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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish?

117 replies

sploshsplash · 21/01/2022 14:36

H has decided that Jan- March Sundays are his to do practice runs for a marathon he has in April.
He has said no late nights out for me and none for us a couple on a Saturday so he can sleep well for Sunday and no Nights out with him on a Friday because he has work Saturday mornings... but it's ok to go out for dinner on a Sunday evening if we want as he can have a drink.
I don't drink Sundays as work is in the morning.
We had a big argument (instigated by me) before Christmas about lack of couple time together away from the home. It was because I have said many times he doesn't see us doing things as a couple as being important to him... not much came from the argument.
He's called me unsupportive and selfish for being annoyed at claiming the first 3 months of the year to himself.... am I selfish and unsupportive? I just don't feel important to him.
2 children... been together nearly 20 years.
Thanks

OP posts:
BillMasheen · 21/01/2022 18:56

There was a poster on here around Christmas who's husband complained that she was playing jungle music and setting off an airhorn when a particularly good tune 'dropped'

I remember this. Absolutely classic.

Totally think you should do this OP.

PAAAAAAARRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

IncompleteSenten · 21/01/2022 18:57

He can fuck right off with his curfews!

No way would I agree to that.

Tell him to sleep on the sofa and you'll stay out of the living room when you come back.

LittleOwl153 · 21/01/2022 18:58

I'd be setting him up a spare bed elsewhere... what a shame if there is no rom in the house...

Szyz2020 · 21/01/2022 19:01

Why doesn’t he do his long run on Saturdays after his morning at work?

He’s also a selfish idiot by the way.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 21/01/2022 19:08

What a total and utter fucking cock.

There aren't enough words to describe this arrogant, up himself, complete arsehole.

Tell him to eat shit and you go out!

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 21/01/2022 19:09

enough swear* words

Original poster
sploshsplash · 21/01/2022 19:10

You have no idea how much confidence you lot have given me to talk about this again with him this evening. Thank you

OP posts:
FFSFFSFFS · 21/01/2022 19:16

Can you see that both he and you are just taking it as assumed that he needs to be ‘supported’ and your job is to be supportive. Why is that the dynamic??

And Christ he’s running a marathon - not working for something that will benefit the family or curing covid…. Is it’s just an ego trip for him to run for a very long time and then stop.

Boood · 21/01/2022 19:25

Go out without him, stay out as late as you want, sleep in the spare room afterwards so he can’t moan.

BatFaceGirl · 21/01/2022 19:29

My OH has done loads of marathons and is training for an ultra-marathon (40+ miles). He does his long run v early Sunday so is back home and showered by 10:30, and ready to do family stuff.

He only ever suggests not going out/getting an early night the actual night before an actual race. Because it’s just a hobby, that he chooses to do. And he’s not a twat.

Coronawireless · 21/01/2022 19:30

spot on

So what do you think is happening?
Two possibilities jump out:

  1. He’s lost interest full stop and nothing you do will help.
  2. Now that the DC are older he is looking to find himself again. He may be bored with life and looking for something to throw himself into before he gets old. You may not be thinking the same way so there is a disconnect between you. Do you have a life outside of DC? Or were you hoping to stay a cozy couple with no need to branch outside the family? Admit it, do things need a leetle shake-up?

I say this because I posted with a similar issue a while ago. I was quite unhappy and resentful at the time. I had spoken to DH about how I felt and he told me I needed to find my own thing to do, which I took to mean he wanted us to lead separate lives. I was seriously thinking of leaving him!
I got varying advice - some saying what a twat, others saying he had a point - but one poster really resonated when she said something like, I think of myself as pretty fabulous! And if people appreciate me, great! And if not, fuck em, they can step aside.

For some reason this really struck me. I did start to do more outside the home - while also being a lot less resentful of DH for doing his own thing. I gave him a lot more space and was cheerful about it. Genuinely cheerful! See you around buddy, if you’re here, great, be lovely to see you. But if not I’ll increasingly make my own plans.
It was almost like I saw my life a different way and just didn’t need him as much. That “fabulous” comment was so so helpful. I thought, if things continue to slide despite me cheerfully giving him space I’ll just start to travel more, maybe even move out for a while when the DC are older - initially under the pretence of work or a long holiday but really to test whether life would be as bad as all that without him.
And it actually did work! I must have developed some inner steely glow of confidence because nowadays DH is much more appreciative and engaged.
I don’t know if your circumstances match mine. Financial independence can clearly be very helpful and give you confidence. This point in a marriage - when the DC develop their own lives - can be tricky. Ask yourself what you want long term. You are fabulous, OP. Don’t let yourself forget it. Good luck!

Coronawireless · 21/01/2022 19:37

PS
I don’t mean ignore him either. Do suggest a night away somewhere lovely, just the two of you, eg to celebrate him doing the marathon. So the celebration of it involves both of you, not just him.

MargosKaftan · 21/01/2022 20:24

Did he ask your opinion on his marathon plan? Before he agreed to do it, did he ask you if you were on board with the training plans before hand? If not, they say no, if the only way he can do the marathon is by controlling your life and restricting your social life (even when it doesn't include him) and make you solo parent every single Sunday, then no, he can't do it. Tough. If he can dictate to you your life, then why can't you dictate to him that the marathon training the way he wants to do it is not compatatable with someone who is married with young children. So no, he can't do it for another 10+ years, or he finds a more family (and relationship) friendly way.

ChastainsMisery · 21/01/2022 23:08

He's a dickhead.

I'm currently training for an Ironman which involves considerably more hours than a Sunday long run, I've also given up alcohol because of how groggy it makes me feel the next day.

I would NEVER refuse to go out with DH or dream of telling him he couldn't have a late night either Confused

Your H is behaving like a spoilt princess and just needs to suck it up.

Shoemadlady · 21/01/2022 23:26

If he doesn't want to be disturbed by you going out and waking him on return tell I him to sleep in the spare room or in a hotel!

Original poster
sploshsplash · 22/01/2022 08:23

So, after another conversation which I started off as a conversation but it turned into an argument because of the 'selfish and unsupportive' points agin... Ended up being called a C which is normally reserved for joking but this was used in a nasty way.... I've just said to see where we are after this because nothing will change, we still won't do anything together and I refuse to beg for attention.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 22/01/2022 09:48

What are you waiting for OP? Not in a goady way - genuinely curious.

This man shows his contempt for you at every opportunity. Why do you think he’ll change?

Original poster
sploshsplash · 22/01/2022 09:57

@Merryoldgoat

What are you waiting for OP? Not in a goady way - genuinely curious.

This man shows his contempt for you at every opportunity. Why do you think he’ll change?

I suppose for him to realise he wants to spend time with me on his own. I don't want him to do things with me just because I want to. I don't know
OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 22/01/2022 10:05

The thing is OP, he clearly doesn’t. If he did he would.

My DH and I have two kids with SEN, both have senior responsibilities jobs and largely life gets in the way a lot.

The second we have a chance to spend time together we grab it.

PIL ask to take the kids for the day? DH is getting ready to take me to brunch. Kids in bed early? We put on something to watch and cuddle in the sofa.

He sounds thoroughly selfish.

Santahasjoinedww · 22/01/2022 10:07

Ultimately he has checked out op... Time you made plans.
Get the upper hand while he is tied up with trainers and jock straps...

rookiemere · 22/01/2022 10:14

What age are the DC? Apologies if you've put that somewhere, as I guess it also depends how much hands on parenting his "Sunday is my Runday not your Funday" leaves you with.

Original poster
sploshsplash · 22/01/2022 10:17

@rookiemere

What age are the DC? Apologies if you've put that somewhere, as I guess it also depends how much hands on parenting his "Sunday is my Runday not your Funday" leaves you with.
It's not about parenting I'm upset about, he's a very good involved Dad and always has been. It's Us a couple that's the problem and how he is with me.
OP posts:
Original poster
sploshsplash · 22/01/2022 10:18

@rookiemere

What age are the DC? Apologies if you've put that somewhere, as I guess it also depends how much hands on parenting his "Sunday is my Runday not your Funday" leaves you with.
Ages are mid teen and pre teen
OP posts:
Doomscrolling · 22/01/2022 10:22

Would you consider going to Relate? I’ve known it to make a big difference in a few relationships. If ‘discussing’ it results in him slinging insults, a bit of outside perspective might help.

Otherwise I am not sure what you are getting from this marriage.

Original poster
sploshsplash · 22/01/2022 10:31

@Doomscrolling

Would you consider going to Relate? I’ve known it to make a big difference in a few relationships. If ‘discussing’ it results in him slinging insults, a bit of outside perspective might help.

Otherwise I am not sure what you are getting from this marriage.

It has crossed my mind. I think that's a good idea. What I get is a stable home... what I get as a wife isn't much to be honest
OP posts: