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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I selfish?

117 replies

sploshsplash · 21/01/2022 14:36

H has decided that Jan- March Sundays are his to do practice runs for a marathon he has in April.
He has said no late nights out for me and none for us a couple on a Saturday so he can sleep well for Sunday and no Nights out with him on a Friday because he has work Saturday mornings... but it's ok to go out for dinner on a Sunday evening if we want as he can have a drink.
I don't drink Sundays as work is in the morning.
We had a big argument (instigated by me) before Christmas about lack of couple time together away from the home. It was because I have said many times he doesn't see us doing things as a couple as being important to him... not much came from the argument.
He's called me unsupportive and selfish for being annoyed at claiming the first 3 months of the year to himself.... am I selfish and unsupportive? I just don't feel important to him.
2 children... been together nearly 20 years.
Thanks

OP posts:

Alonelonelyloner · 21/01/2022 16:51

He's being a moron. And selfish.
I used to go out at like 4/5 am on Sundays to do my morning long run so that I was back when family were getting up.

He can choose to do a marathon, but he can also choose for it not to impinge too much on his family.

pinkyredrose · 21/01/2022 16:52

He's a selfish cunt.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/01/2022 16:52

He sounds like a grade A twat.

He is being so completely unreasonable. He wants you to agree to
Curtailing socialising with your friends
Have your bedtime dictated to you
Agree to no socialising with him
Look after the kids more

For a quarter of a bloodu year. For a hobby.

That's insane. As is the not going out with you if he can't drink. I think that's what would hurt me the most, he is making a decision not to drink then making a decision that its 'not worth' going out with you because he is not drinking. Most people spending that much time away from their family bend over backwards to fit their hobby into family life. He is trying to do it the other way round and change his family life to fit in his hobby

harriethoyle · 21/01/2022 16:53

I literally cannot imagine a stance more likely to ensure I went out on massive 12 hour benders, finishing at 4am with a house party back at mine to be honest. He's a cock. It's not you!

TheOrigRights · 21/01/2022 16:53

Anyway, it's not proper character building marathon training unless you're broken on the back door step in mid Feb trying to undo your shoe laces with your frozen/dead fingers and can hear "I'm hungry Mummy" filtering through the door.

Toucan123 · 21/01/2022 17:02

This is ridiculous. I'm running at least two marathons and several halfs this year (at a reasonable pace) and I do my long run on Sunday mornings too. Doesn't stop me going out on a Saturday night! Your DP is being ridiculous to try to stop you going out.

namechangedlikeeveryone · 21/01/2022 17:05

I’m a marathon runner too.

If he needs all this extra rest he really, really shouldn’t be running a marathon! He’s being selfish.

MintyGreenDream · 21/01/2022 17:09

Hes being a self absorbed nobhead

MintyGreenDream · 21/01/2022 17:09

@KO91 pmsl

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 21/01/2022 17:16

He wants supportive? How about a pair of nice supportive crutches to use after I break his fucking legs for telling me what I can and can't do!

...aaaand breathe.

In seriousness though, I would not have that. He doesn't get to dictate to you when you can and can't have a late night. He could get to fuck!

You aren't a priority to him so it's up to you whether or not you can live with this pattern of selfish behaviour.

Personally I couldn't. It would be shape up or ship out but that's me.

I've lived with controlling behaviour before and now I just won't tolerate it. I have no patience for it whatsoever, if they don't give me the respect and consideration I give them then off you pop.

You have to figure out where your limit is and how much you're prepared to put up with.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 21/01/2022 17:22

He's a twat. You have young children who have needs and you have needs as well. he doesn't come first every fucking weekend.

Tell him to get over himself.

knittingaddict · 21/01/2022 17:23

I don't sleep well if my husband is out, although that is incredibly rare these days.

What I absolutely wouldn't do is dictate what he can and can't do and definitely not for such a long period of time. It's far too controlling.

knittingaddict · 21/01/2022 17:25

@rookiemere

Why does he need all of Sunday for his training runs ? Is he particularly slow ?

For some reason this really made me laugh.

My daughter is going out with an international runner and as far as I can tell it doesn't impact their social life one little bit.

3luckystars · 21/01/2022 17:34

What I have noticed is that people are talking about themselves when they do this.
He is saying ‘you are being unsupportive’ because HE IS. Say it back to him, ‘I think YOU are being unsupportive’

He is. He is not ‘supporting’ your marriage or spending time together.

Muchmorethan · 21/01/2022 17:49

Which Marathon is he

Original poster

sploshsplash · 21/01/2022 17:57

@Muchmorethan

Which Marathon is he

Manchester I think

OP posts:

Original poster

sploshsplash · 21/01/2022 17:58

@3luckystars

What I have noticed is that people are talking about themselves when they do this. He is saying ‘you are being unsupportive’ because HE IS. Say it back to him, ‘I think YOU are being unsupportive’

He is. He is not ‘supporting’ your marriage or spending time together.

Thank you!

OP posts:

candycane222 · 21/01/2022 18:07

He has CHOSEN to do this marathon which benefits you not one bit I imagine, and inconveninces you more than somewhat, and HE thinks he is entitled to supprot from YOU. How does he work that out eh? Will him running the marathon increase the value of your house? Make his cock bigger? Guarantee that the children will get better exam results?

Wanker.

People can expect support from thier spouse if they are:
-Suffering something inflicted from outside (ilness, redundancy, bereavement)
-Working towards a shared goal (whoch might include agreed programme of study to improve earnings, say)
-Working towards a goal important to them, WITH MUTUAL AGREEMENT AND WITH EQUAL SUPPORT OFFERED THE OTHER WAY FOR A SIMILAR GOAL
-not being a nob

I rest my case.

Coronawireless · 21/01/2022 18:09

What age are your DC? If they are young enough to need supervision then he’s being selfish. But if they’re mostly doing their own thing then I think the problem is something else. It’s not that he’s cutting down on a social life due to training. Nor even that he stops you going out (I doubt he literally does this). It’s, as you’ve said, that he is distancing himself from you and this 3 months isn’t the beginning or end of it. Am I right?

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/01/2022 18:11

He is fun sponge and a dickhead.

I ran a marathon and never did any of this bollocks. I ran home from work and few nights a week and did a couple of afternoon runs on the weekend.

Why can’t he do Saturday am if he wants to be that much of a little princeling about it.

I also don’t think neglecting your marriage for 4 months is cool

mumofone2019 · 21/01/2022 18:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster

sploshsplash · 21/01/2022 18:30

@Coronawireless

Spot on

OP posts:

mrsbyers · 21/01/2022 18:44

Tell him to run Saturday afternoons

WonderfulYou · 21/01/2022 18:46

I have no issue with him doing a marathon and training for it but he can't dictate what YOU can and can't do on Friday and Saturday evenings! Fuck that

I completely agree.

He can do whatever he wants but you’re an adult and shouldn’t be told what you can and can’t do!

The marathon - absolutely fine and I’ll be there supporting him all of the way.

Telling me what I can and can’t do - is my line and I would tell him if he tries telling me what to do again the relationship will be over.

billy1966 · 21/01/2022 18:55

OP,

He will be around to mind his children on fridays and Saturdays.

Faced with such selfish bullshit, I would focus on seeing friends every weekend and have a good hard look at the selfish loser you are with.

Reconnect with friends and with yourself without him.

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