Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend hasn't invited DP to her wedding

98 replies

sophiebecky · 21/01/2022 09:55

Friend, Muslim, getting married next month.
Friend has invited me to her wedding but not DP. I won't know anyone at the wedding apart from the friend who is getting married. Wedding is also on a weeknight, after working hours and is a good 1.5 hours away. I will also need to get ready after work. WIBU not to attend?

I don't know if it's a cultural reason why she hasn't invited DP as we are not married yet. I'm quite sad she hasn't invited DP, as friend and I are good friends.

DP and I are getting married at the end of the year. Would I be unreasonable to invite friend but not her then husband as she hasn't invited DP?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 21/01/2022 09:57

I’ll save you some time from the next 309 comments:

“a wedding is an invitation not a summons”

If it doesn’t suit you to go, due to time / location / not knowing anyone then don’t go. No drama.

Don’t invite her husband to your wedding if you don’t want to.

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 21/01/2022 09:58

I don't think you can leap to the conclusion of because of her religion that's why she hasn't extended an invite to your dp. There could be hundreds of reasons!

  1. She doesn't have the numbers, and has gone with longer term partners / husbands first
  2. she doesn't like him
  3. her soon to be husband has 400 aunts who take precedent over "partners"
  4. she doesn't want to! 5).... etc etc

Seems a bit spiteful to not invite her husband in a tit for tat to your wedding if she's meant to be friend of yours

Xmassprout · 21/01/2022 09:59

She can invite whoever she wants to her wedding. You mention you and her being good friends but no mention of whether her and your partner are good friends?

On the other hand you're not unreasonable to not want to go.

Not inviting her partner seems tit for tat if you would have otherwise invited her partner. But again, your wedding you invite who you want

SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2022 10:00

DP and I are getting married at the end of the year. Would I be unreasonable to invite friend but not her then husband as she hasn't invited DP? you don't really sound mature enough to be getting married..

You could express about travelling so far alone and not knowing anyone. Or just politely decline. A week night 3 he round trip with work the next day sounds like a niggtmsrer

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2022 10:04

Would I be unreasonable to invite friend but not her then husband as she hasn't invited DP?

Yes, that's just pathetic and petty.

Sounds as if her wedding would be a massive inconvenince for you to attend anyway. You can say 'No!' (Politely and with grace.)

greenlynx · 21/01/2022 10:06

Her wedding sounds like a smaller more “practical” affair being on a weekday so I would ask her politely why your DP is not invited. it could be combination of numbers and you being unmarried. Is it religious ceremony?
I wouldn’t go to her wedding if it’s very inconvenient for you ( and it does sound inconvenient) but I still would invite her with her DH, if it’s ok with your plans/ numbers/ etc.

roses2 · 21/01/2022 10:08

Men and women will be separated and in different rooms if it's a traditional Muslim wedding. I wouldn't read too much into it. If it's not convenient then don't go. Don't go tit for tat if you're good friends.

PinkMoon22 · 21/01/2022 10:08

DP and I are getting married at the end of the year. Would I be unreasonable to invite friend but not her then husband as she hasn't invited DP?

Massively, don't play tit for tat.

Wedding is also on a weeknight, after working hours and is a good 1.5 hours away. I will also need to get ready after work. WIBU not to attend?

If you really wanted to attend you would use AL. You don't want to go, say no.

Woodlandarchitect · 21/01/2022 10:08

OP don’t get drawn into tit for tat behaviour. You’re an adult.

LittleOwl153 · 21/01/2022 10:12

As I recall Muslim weddings are gender separated so even if your dp went you wouldn't be with him...
Also is the weekday thing part of the build up? I remember from last friend many years ago there were wedding 'bits' all week culminating in the actual marriage on a friday/Saturday? Are you being invited to a womens/bride earlier bit?

Dustyroad63 · 21/01/2022 10:13

I would just not go. I wouldn’t be interested in travelling miles away alone and knowing no one else at the wedding.
Whenever I’ve had parties weddings etc I always invite the partner even if I’m not keen on them. I think it’s rude not to.

Skeumorph · 21/01/2022 10:16

It is relevant that it's a Muslim wedding! - not quite the same patterns of activity.

Ask her what the plan for the afternoon/evening would be. As others say, it's likely that you'll be with other women. Ask if the thing you're invited to is actually the whole wedding.

Definitely go, unless the distance is a real issue - could you eg get a train back later in the evening?

And yes invite them both to yours, I would.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/01/2022 10:16

If you won’t know anyone else then don’t go- and be as petty as you like back

grapewine · 21/01/2022 10:17

I wouldn't go on a weeknight. But you're unreasonable for the tit for tat.

NorthernSoul55 · 21/01/2022 10:18

Are you sure you are invited to the wedding itself and not the pre wedding celebration, not a hen party as such but women only? As others have said, women and men may sit separately at the wedding. I've been a guest at two Muslim weddings, one enormous do where we sat apart from the men and a smaller one where we mixed. Partners were not invited to either wedding... Both were work mates.

BadLad · 21/01/2022 10:19

Does your DP actually want to go to your friend's wedding?

LightDrizzle · 21/01/2022 10:19

I drove 5 hours to attend the wedding of a friend and 5 hours back.

My partner, now DH, wasn’t invited because of numbers. I didn’t know anyone else at the wedding.

For me it was worth to see her happily married, practically galloping down the aisle grinning from ear to ear. It sounds like it wouldn’t be worth it to you so I’d politely decline so someone else can attend in your place in the right spirit.

Per head costs for weddings are often huge and the pressure on the guest list massive, particularly if bride or groom have a big family. Unless your bf is also a close friend I don’t think it strange. If there is a wedding breakfast involved you will be sat at a table with people and you will get talking even though you’ve never met them before.

Marimaur · 21/01/2022 10:19

Is it just the reception you’re invited to (since it’s in the evening?)
The reception isn’t gender separated. I would probably not go if I was attending alone and didn’t know anyone.

TheSnowyOwl · 21/01/2022 10:22

Lots of people don’t invite unmarried/engaged partners (it’s called no ring, no bring).

It’s her wedding and she is entitled to invite who she likes, as are you for your wedding. But, honestly, are you always so petty to do tit for tat?

Shiningpath · 21/01/2022 10:22

The separation element depends how traditional. I’ve been to a number of Muslim weddings and never seen separation, so it’s only for very traditional ones. Though of course this one may be traditional. How are we to know?

Doesn’t sound like a good friend if you’re thinking of a spiteful tit for tat action against this woman for your own wedding. Very sad.

Tdcp · 21/01/2022 10:26

It really depends, if it's separated then are dp and her fiancé friends or do they socialise? If not then there's the answer. Absolutely do not play tit for tat though, that's a sure fire way to kill your friendship.

You could always ask her though, I mean, I would. You might even agree on her reasoning rather than carry around resentment for however long.

HerbivorousRex · 21/01/2022 10:29

It might be because it’s a Muslim wedding. In more traditional weddings the men and women will sit separately during the ceremony and might even have separate receptions (there are also sometimes gender separated parties in the days beforehand e.g. henna parties etc).
It’s less common now in the UK but depending on her cultural background and how conservative her family are that might be the reason.
I also know people who had a very short ceremony in the UK for their legal marriage but then had a much bigger celebration after having a religious ceremony in their family’s home country.
I’d have a quick chat with her and ask what the wedding will actually look like before jumping to any conclusions (I work in the UAE and my students did an assignment to compare their wedding traditions to other countries and the differences were really interesting- there’s a massive amount of variation even between different Muslim countries).

Or it might be for all the usual reasons that people don’t invite plus ones or children (i.e. cost, restricted numbers etc).

Womencanlift · 21/01/2022 10:29

Based on it being a mid week evening I would assume it is one of the pre wedding celebrations (which from my understanding are gender specific events) so my questions would be

  1. Have you asked/confirmed if any other partners are being excluded or just yours?
  2. Are you invited to any other events, as others said they are usually at the weekend?

On your other question YABU to play tit for tat. I have been to weddings without a partner and it didn’t occur to me to be annoyed about it

Landof · 21/01/2022 10:31

I think you're being really immature r.e uninviting her husband 🤣

RampantIvy · 21/01/2022 10:31

A weeknight an hour and a half away. That would be a no from me.