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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend hasn't invited DP to her wedding

98 replies

sophiebecky · 21/01/2022 09:55

Friend, Muslim, getting married next month.
Friend has invited me to her wedding but not DP. I won't know anyone at the wedding apart from the friend who is getting married. Wedding is also on a weeknight, after working hours and is a good 1.5 hours away. I will also need to get ready after work. WIBU not to attend?

I don't know if it's a cultural reason why she hasn't invited DP as we are not married yet. I'm quite sad she hasn't invited DP, as friend and I are good friends.

DP and I are getting married at the end of the year. Would I be unreasonable to invite friend but not her then husband as she hasn't invited DP?

OP posts:

thewhatsit · 21/01/2022 10:33

Ask her!!! If you’re good enough friends you should be able to have that conversation.

username1293948 · 21/01/2022 10:44

If she’s your friend you should respect her religious beliefs, has nothing to do with culture. She has no connection to your dp (isn’t related to him) and so therefore would be inappropriate for her to invite him. Plus most Islamic weddings are segregated men and women so even if he was invited, you wouldn’t be seated with him.

Fink · 21/01/2022 10:45

As pp have said, if it's a traditional Muslim wedding it will be gender segregated, so you wouldn't have been with your fiancé anyway except for the journey. On that basis, YWBU to not invite her (then) husband to your wedding in a tit for tat if your wedding is going to be a British style mixed gathering because it's a totally different event. Don't invite her husband if numbers are limited and you're not inviting partners, but don't exclude him just because your partner wasn't invited to something not comparable.

Pinkbrush · 21/01/2022 10:48

Ask her. I had a similar situation happen to me and what annoyed me was the fact that the bride never mentioned it. I didn’t mind that my DP wasn’t invited, but it would’ve been nice for it to be acknowledged as other people’s DPs were invited while 3 of us friends’ DPs weren’t.

At my wedding, if i can’t invite partners, i’ll just explain why because even though I don’t have to, i think it’s just a polite thing to do. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Chiochan · 21/01/2022 10:48

Are you sure she hasen't. I mean maybe she just exspects partners to come with out haveing to say so?

Otherwise its probably that they are over full with relatives but she really wants you to be there/is worried youd feel offended if she did not invite you.

Fink · 21/01/2022 10:48

Sorry, I got called away in the middle of typing and didn't come back to finish the message for half an hour. I see in the meantime there are quite a lot more relevant responses about Muslim wedding traditions (the only ones I've ever been invited to are traditional segregated ones) so ignore my previous post!

Flocon · 21/01/2022 10:49

Invite who you want to yours.
Presumably you and DP aren't joined at the hip.

Pinkbrush · 21/01/2022 10:49

@SleepingStandingUp

DP and I are getting married at the end of the year. Would I be unreasonable to invite friend but not her then husband as she hasn't invited DP? you don't really sound mature enough to be getting married..

You could express about travelling so far alone and not knowing anyone. Or just politely decline. A week night 3 he round trip with work the next day sounds like a niggtmsrer

Ignore this PP. The first part of this comment is just rude and uncalled for.

Flocon · 21/01/2022 10:50

Maybe she doesn't know your DP that well

Reallycantbesarsed · 21/01/2022 10:53

Just ask your friend if there has been a misunderstanding?
If you invite her to your wedding then you most definitely should invite her husband if that was what you had intended to do.

NoSquirrels · 21/01/2022 10:53

Don’t play tit for tat with your wedding invites - that’s childish. If you’d otherwise have invited her and her partner, invite them.

It’s OK to feel daunted about going alone, but if you can push through the discomfort then go and show support. As others have said Muslim celebrations come in all sorts of different forms so if you’re imagining the usual formal sit-down and stuffy reception you’re probably off the mark.

Equally, if you are going to decline do so in a polite too-far-for-a-weekday I have to work the next day sort of thing.

Flocon · 21/01/2022 10:54

@Reallycantbesarsed

Just ask your friend if there has been a misunderstanding? If you invite her to your wedding then you most definitely should invite her husband if that was what you had intended to do.

Don't do that. There isn't a misunderstanding. She doesn't want OP to bring a partner. It's fine. No big deal.

Frymetothemoon · 21/01/2022 10:54

I've only been to one Muslim wedding (Berber) and the men were completely separate from the women the whole time. If it's going to be like this, then you may as well go by yourself anyway

JolieJ · 21/01/2022 10:57

It's hard to say why she didn't invite him but I just wanted to say that Muslim weddings cover a wide variety of cultures; so it's hard to say what kind of wedding it would be without more information. Generally in Asian weddings these days, the segregation would only be at the ceremony (if that) but not at the reception.

ConnectedToSandsview · 21/01/2022 10:58

Likely because of the men/women being separated? If you don’t know anyone else, then your DP definitely won’t and will be alone in the men’s party.

DwightShrutesgirlfriend · 21/01/2022 10:59

@Frymetothemoon

I've only been to one Muslim wedding (Berber) and the men were completely separate from the women the whole time. If it's going to be like this, then you may as well go by yourself anyway

Same here, I went by myself, DP wasn't invited. I would say go for the experience @sophiebecky, it is definitely the most memorable of all the weddings I have attended.

emmathedilemma · 21/01/2022 11:06

I wouldn't be petty and not invite her husband just because your DP isn't invited to hers, that's primary school level of who got invited to who's birthday party.
But I wouldn't want to go to a wedding where i didn't know anyone. I did it once, I only knew the bride and her sister who was a bridesmaid, didn't get a plus 1 on the invite and it was awful. So boring and trying to make polite conversation with people you don't know a thing about is hard work all that time. I couldn't find an excuse not to go as I lived literally down the road!

ScribblingPixie · 21/01/2022 11:08

I would either go or not go to her wedding depending on whether you think you would enjoy yourself going on your own. Then invite her and her husband to your wedding. Just plough your own furrow, no need to go too deeply into this.

Jacaranda75 · 21/01/2022 11:08

Completely normal for a Muslim wedding. Please don’t be offended.

ChargingBuck · 21/01/2022 11:13

If you can't ask her if it's a cultural reason why she hasn't invited DP, don't know enough about her culture to know that you & DP would not be spending much time together anyway, or enough about her wedding to understand which part of it you are being invited to, you maybe are not as good friends as you think you are.

As you are already dreaming up a scenario where you don't invite her DH to your wedding out of spite, instead of talking to her to understand her reasons, I'd hazard that it's more than a maybe.

Muthalucka · 21/01/2022 11:17

I’m going to a wedding without my husband as my friend can’t afford to invite partners yabu

LindaEllen · 21/01/2022 11:21

Be honest with her. You don't really want to go to an event where you don't know anyone apart from her - and she obviously won't be able to sit with you all the time as she will need to talk to everyone. She might change her mind and then invite DP as well. She will have been given a certain number of people to invite, and getting rid of partners means she can invite more of the people who are closer to her. I don't really see that as an issue - but you don't have to go if you don't want to. Chances are someone else will drop out and DP will then be able to go. Ask her!

With regards to your wedding, unless you have similar issues with numbers, of course you'd be unreasonable not to invite her husband. Weddings should be nice, happy occasions - and starting the whole process off with tit for tat isn't great.

Bitzandbobsbitzandbobs · 21/01/2022 11:25

@ShirleyPhallus

I’ll save you some time from the next 309 comments:

“a wedding is an invitation not a summons”

If it doesn’t suit you to go, due to time / location / not knowing anyone then don’t go. No drama.

Don’t invite her husband to your wedding if you don’t want to.

Well it didn't save the comments, but it's probably the response that was needed!

iamnlhfss · 21/01/2022 11:26

If the wedding invite doesn't work for you then you don't have to go.
Just decline politely.

However, it would be petty not to invite her DH to your wedding just because she didn't invite your DP. There could be all sorts of reasons why she didn't.
If you'd previously planned to invite him, have the capacity for him to be there etcetc then just invite him.

Frymetothemoon · 21/01/2022 11:27

If you haven't been to a Muslim wedding, do consider going. It was totally different to anything I'd ever been to, but really interesting. The bride's sisters and cousins explained the whole thing to those of us who were new to the proceedings - and the bride wore 5 gorgeous dresses

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