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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend hasn't invited DP to her wedding

98 replies

sophiebecky · 21/01/2022 09:55

Friend, Muslim, getting married next month.
Friend has invited me to her wedding but not DP. I won't know anyone at the wedding apart from the friend who is getting married. Wedding is also on a weeknight, after working hours and is a good 1.5 hours away. I will also need to get ready after work. WIBU not to attend?

I don't know if it's a cultural reason why she hasn't invited DP as we are not married yet. I'm quite sad she hasn't invited DP, as friend and I are good friends.

DP and I are getting married at the end of the year. Would I be unreasonable to invite friend but not her then husband as she hasn't invited DP?

OP posts:
Derbee · 21/01/2022 11:28

It’s fine not to go. I wouldn’t. On your own, and on a weeknight? Nope.

HOWEVER, not inviting her DH to yours as a little “revenge” is petty and embarrassing

Original poster
sophiebecky · 21/01/2022 11:32

Just to clarify some points:

  • the wedding is definitely NOT segregated.
  • there is no issue re numbers, she's inviting a few hundred people.
OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 21/01/2022 11:32

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

If you won’t know anyone else then don’t go- and be as petty as you like back
But why, just why (the tit for tat)?
Pyewhacket · 21/01/2022 11:36

If it were me I'd politely decline but you couldn't invite her and not her husband so I'd probably just leave her off the guest list. And it wouldn't worry me what other ppl might think, none of their business.

lurker101 · 21/01/2022 11:37

Despite having hundreds invited - it’s possible the bride’s invite numbers are more limited than you realise. I know people who have had hundreds of people invited, but had a small number “allocated” for their friends, with the remainder of invites going to bride/grooms parents business associates/friends/neighbours etc. - this is particularly common if the couple are getting financial assistance with the wedding.

Fairylightsongs · 21/01/2022 11:39

Gosh, you can’t be good friends if you can’t ask her and want to extract revenge by doing the same thing back.

Thehop · 21/01/2022 11:40

The hundreds of people may well be parents contacts that have to be invited. She may only have a very small number of seats to give to her own friends. Especially if parents are paying

NNmumma6349 · 21/01/2022 11:46

If it’s in the evening & on a weeknight it’s more likely to be an invite to the brides mehndi (our version of a hen) these are often segregated so the women and girls can enjoy dancing and one final hoohar before the big day! The only mehndi I’ve been to recently that was mixed was family only. Ask the bride to be sure :-)

Original poster
sophiebecky · 21/01/2022 11:50

@NNmumma6349

If it’s in the evening & on a weeknight it’s more likely to be an invite to the brides mehndi (our version of a hen) these are often segregated so the women and girls can enjoy dancing and one final hoohar before the big day! The only mehndi I’ve been to recently that was mixed was family only. Ask the bride to be sure :-)
She's invited me to the mendhi too- that is on a weekend.
OP posts:
AlDanvers · 21/01/2022 11:51

@sophiebecky

Just to clarify some points:
  • the wedding is definitely NOT segregated.
  • there is no issue re numbers, she's inviting a few hundred people.
But which day/part of the wedding is it?

I don't think this is unusual. Many reasons hundreds are invited.

FacebookPhotos · 21/01/2022 11:51

there is no issue re numbers, she's inviting a few hundred people

A few hundred people does not in any way mean there is no issue re numbers. It could easily be that if she invited partners it would exceed the capacity of the venue. She may have big numbers because of people feels obligated to invite (aunts, uncles, cousins) rather than her inviting any random acquaintance and deliberately missing out your DP. But you need to speak to her to find out, or decline the invite.

Does she know your DP well?

Pedalpushers · 21/01/2022 11:52

If anything, having a few hundred people makes it more likely that it's about numbers...

MarineBlue33 · 21/01/2022 11:54

I would honestly ask her about it and then you will know. I did it to a friend - same situation as you - and she had a cancellation, someone couldn't make her wedding- and so could jnvlude my boyfriend (who is now my DH).
Her and her dh both came to out wedding.
But I think OP is only asking about not inviting her friends DH due to querying about rules.

Sceptre86 · 21/01/2022 11:56

If you are good friends just ask. I would. The mehndhi most likely is an invite just for you, on mine the only other males were my cousins. Very few weddings are segregated anymore at least in the Pakistani culture that I'm from. You've not mentioned what her background is. Could be that she is struggling for numbers and extended family twice removed are still more important than a friends partner! My parents were hugely involved in the guest list composition for my wedding since they paid for it, I did cut down the numbers dramatically though. I would ask and if you are not happy don't go. Its a lot to ask for anyone to travel so much after work on a weekday and of course it is an invitation not a summons!

As for nor inviting her husband to your wedding, you aren't obliged to but it is petty.

TheOccupier · 21/01/2022 11:59

@sophiebecky

Just to clarify some points:
  • the wedding is definitely NOT segregated.
  • there is no issue re numbers, she's inviting a few hundred people.
If she's really invited a few hundred people isn't it more likely that she is expecting you to bring your DP even if he's not named on the invitation? I'd just take him along, with those numbers the catering's most likely buffet-style without a seating plan and they'll never notice one more Grin
Original poster
sophiebecky · 21/01/2022 12:01

@Sceptre86

If you are good friends just ask. I would. The mehndhi most likely is an invite just for you, on mine the only other males were my cousins. Very few weddings are segregated anymore at least in the Pakistani culture that I'm from. You've not mentioned what her background is. Could be that she is struggling for numbers and extended family twice removed are still more important than a friends partner! My parents were hugely involved in the guest list composition for my wedding since they paid for it, I did cut down the numbers dramatically though. I would ask and if you are not happy don't go. Its a lot to ask for anyone to travel so much after work on a weekday and of course it is an invitation not a summons!

As for nor inviting her husband to your wedding, you aren't obliged to but it is petty.

She is Pakistani. Unfortunately I said I couldn't attend due to the travel etc and she is unhappy with me now as said I could take leave.
OP posts:
Nomoreporridge872 · 21/01/2022 12:03

Might it be that whoever is paying for the wedding has had to draw a line somewhere for plus ones and has said that married partners are invited but unmarried ones can’t, just to sift out eg those who are in very short term relationships?

Thirtytimesround · 21/01/2022 12:05

Yanbu to not go because she hasn’t invited dp. If she asks why just her that you go to social events as a team. Sure I get it may be part of her culture not to recognise unmarried relationships. But it is part of your culture that people live together before marrying and also that wedding invites are always plus one. If she doesn’t respect your cultural norms I wouldn’t worry too much about hers.

Yabu to not invite her husband to your wedding that would be v v petty.

Thirtytimesround · 21/01/2022 12:06

Ps I have been to two Muslim weddings, one of a family that is as traditional (and wealthy) as you can get, both overseas in the Muslim country, and both invited me as the long term girlfriend of my then biyfriend (now dh). We weren’t even very close friends. So this isn’t just a culture thing.

sweetbutapshyco · 21/01/2022 12:10

1- You said she is a Muslim. How religious is she? Is she a strictly hijab wearing girl who covers herself infront of other men? If that is the case then she might be planning to not wear hijab on her big day and hence only inviting women friends and family members. And even the men who will be there might be segregated so you wont even be with your husband.

2- She is friends with you, not your husband. Does she normally socialise with you when your husband is around? In our culture we normally invite our friends, not their husbands. It might not even have occurred to her to invite your husband tbh as it is quite common not to.

3- Mehndi is a women's function. It's like a hen do. Sometimes the grooms side joins as well but it will mainly be women with just the groom who will come to women's side. Your husband will feel very out of place if he did have to go.

Just go, we all have invited our friends on our weddings, married on not and been to such weddings as well. We try to include them in all the activities and keep them entertained. So don't worry about not knowing any one else. They will include you and you wont even have time to sit and feel bored.

HedgehogintheFog · 21/01/2022 12:11

As others have said, I think it's more about whether she knows/gets on with your partner or not. I am getting married next month, and we have not invited partners we haven't met, even when they have been together a relatively long time. As far as I know, nobody is insulted by this - certainly no-one has declined for this reason.

It would not be unreasonable to not invite her husband to your wedding because you don't know him very well/ only ever hang out with her one to one. It would be unreasonable to not invite him as 'payback' for your partner not being invited to their wedding.

That's my opinion anyway.

sweetbutapshyco · 21/01/2022 12:15

And you said that she is inviting a few hundred people. It wont be her inviting them, it will be her parents. Her invites went to her friends and you are one of them. My family only invites close relatives and family members to weddings with 5/10 friends and even then our numbers are around 200. But she should be understanding if you can't make it and not get passive aggressive about it. Whilst I agree she is being rude I can also understand how she might be feeling. She might be nervous and feel out of place and might have wanted her friend to be there to help and support her on her big day. Most of the time friends are the ones who sit with the bride to keep her company when she is waiting in the room and later on the seat as her sisters and family members will be too busy with the guests

ChargingBuck · 21/01/2022 12:22

Unfortunately I said I couldn't attend due to the travel etc and she is unhappy with me now as said I could take leave.

So you were not able to have an honest conversation about it with your so-called good friend?

It's not surprising she's upset. You told her you could take leave, i.e. you were attending. Now you are backtracking with a bullshit reason, & she can smell that you are bullshitting.

Why could you not tell her the truth - that you don't want to go without your DP? It's shame you can't bring yourself to travel solo, the wedding's likely to be an amazing spectacle & experience.

NotAGirl · 21/01/2022 12:23

@sophiebecky

Just to clarify some points:
  • the wedding is definitely NOT segregated.
  • there is no issue re numbers, she's inviting a few hundred people.
Inviting a few hundred people may feel to you like that means there’s no issue re numbers but if you’re part of a culture/family where inviting everyone you’re expected to for a wedding amounts to a few hundred you will be very keen to not add on partners you don’t know well.

I had a cousin of my dh throw a hissy fit that we didn’t invite her partner who we didn’t know to a family event and even though I explained she didn’t seem to grasp that with only 100 guest slots I wasn’t able to invite all my cousins (almost all of whom I saw more often than she saw my dh)

BungleandGeorge · 21/01/2022 12:25

I think it’s very well accepted to not invite partners if the partner isn’t known to you and it’s a specific group e.g. group of work friends. If you don’t know anyone else I’d agree it’s a bit off.