To ask what's the etiquette with being fussy about restaurant suggestions?

[negativetesting]

I'm a bit of a fussy eater, I pretty much only eat English, American, Italian or Mexican food. I'm also a vegatarian so don't eat meat or fish.

It's never really been an issue as most of my friends and family are fairly similar, or we'll go somewhere that has diverse options.

However, at work they are always suggesting restaurants I just won't like.

I usually respond saying I'm quite fussy but happy to try or happy to just have some sides. Is that the best response?

I've never met anyone worse than me. It's a problem and gets me down because it does take some of the shine out of looking forward to going to friends' or out for dinner.

Over the years, I've managed to learn to like one Indian dish and one Chinese so when they get suggested, I can manage. If anyone says anything about the Korma corner, I make light of it. When sharing plates are suggested, I just say 'Sorry I'm a bit picky and I'd prefer so order my own'. It rarely raises a second glance.

It sounds like you are managing it well so I'm not really sure what you want from the post. Is it always the same work people suggest in the same restaurant? Is it a work thing which needs to include everyone?

I follow a low-carb (not full-on keto) way of eating, and don't make a song and dance about it. I'd struggle with a burger joint and would probably decline, but anywhere else, you can usually make choices - in my case, I ask not to have the rice but could I have an extra dollop of the main dish, or a side salad instead.

Like others, I'm puzzled by you liking Mexican (can be very fiery!) but apparently not liking Indian. And eating pasta happily in an Italian place, but not liking noodles (essentially the same) in a Chinese. Maybe there is scope to 'feel the fear and do it anyway', OP?

@arethereanyleftatall

The best response is one of...

A. Yes please, sounds great, I'd love to come.

B. No thanks, I can't make it this time.

I'm not sure why you need to tell everyone you're fussy at the accepting stage.

100% this

I don’t think you need to declare you’re only having sides as that draws attention to the fact that this isn’t somewhere you’d pick.

Organising the team meal has fallen on me many times with many of my team being a dick and complaining about where we go. So I introduced a new rule - if nobody offers a suggestion of where to go, then they don’t get to bitch about the final choice. If you had t offered a suggestion of where to go and then comment that you’ll only eat sides I’d see this as a passive aggressive complaint and be pissed off that you weren’t prepared to help with the admin but feel it’s acceptable to complain. So I would probably suggest some options to the person organising it or offer to organise one yourself.

I'm a fussy eater. I always have to "check my diary". I then actually check the menu. If there's something I fancy I go. If there isn't, then I'm already busy.

Lol, I'm definitely not an attention seeker, quite the opposite. I hate standing out and often times I will order something I know I won't like and force myself to eat it, but I'm getting fed up of trying to organise my food on my plate so it looks like I've eaten more than two bites.

It's a small group of colleagues who ask me, they are a social bunch and if I turned down every invite I would never socialise with them which would come off as rude

They know I'm fussy (I never told them this, they just observed it through watching what I go tend to go for when we do go out) and often send me the menu in advance to ask if I would be happy to go there. It's them who brought up my fussiness and who ask me, not the other way around

Surely someone asking for the etiquette rules on something is someone who is definitely not wanting to be 'attention seeking' or a 'drama queen'

@TheChemicalMother

If it's more social than professional when declining say there is nothing on the menu you'd eat and suggest somewhere else instead of just declining

But people often suggest somewhere because they want to try that particular restaurant or food. So expect friends who you eat with a lot to tire of your restricted suggestions and stop asking, or say ‘nope this time it’s Vietnamese, see you next time!’

Well those who are friends with you tend not to be so flippant and would rather your company than to try new food in an obscure restaurant

One of my colleagues is so fussy that we have been to the same place the last 6 or so times we have been for lunch.

It's a minor irritation but I would rather see her and know she's happy than go somewhere else.

You're probably overthinking this, I'm sure no one else minds where you go

I don't really eat indian, chinese etc
I eat plain food eg carvery lunch or italian food.

Most of the time work people go to normal places where we can have salmon/chicken, chips and veg. People who want a curry can have it.

If the group wants to go to a chinese I order boiled rice, veg and the sauce/meat in a separate bowl.

I decline for indian. I decline about 30% of the time and say I have another event on. This means I am social but don't get into a situation where I eat nothing and waiters commenting. I am very quiet and would never say I don't eat it.

A lot of people order indian/chinese as a takeaway at the weekend. I fear it would look odd to say I don't eat it.

If you don't eat anything there, just ask the restaurant to make up chips/veg for you.

@sadpapercourtesan

Sounds OK to me. You're not demanding that they go somewhere else. Even most Indian restaurants do chips these days.

You’re obviously going to some classy Indian restaurants… 😂

You don't need to mention it. Go or don't. I have a friend with coeliac disease, a friend with Crohn's and I can't eat a lot of foods due to stomach issues. Somehow we all manage to eat at different places all the time without having to mention it. We just adapt so we can go out with our friends.

If you really don't like it then say so.

Fussy veggy here - agree to whatever choice they're making. If you want to go, either pre eat and nibble on bread if there's really nothing you want (fake being unexpectedly full when you get there).
Don't be difficult or passive aggressive about it.

I think the approach of gojng and jus trying something/ having some sides is fine. I agree there’s no need to announce it.

I think there does have to be some give and take/ rotation about where you go. The cuisines you’re suggesting would be the most boring ones for me, so if I were a work colleague I’d want there to be some variety - I particularly like Asian food and wouldn’t lkke that to be “off the menu” literally. My ex boss always said “oh Italian is always safe” - yes but I get very bored of Italian - I am part Italian so can have it whenever I want!

@user1471554720

I don't really eat indian, chinese etc I eat plain food eg carvery lunch or italian food.

Most of the time work people go to normal places where we can have salmon/chicken, chips and veg. People who want a curry can have it.

If the group wants to go to a chinese I order boiled rice, veg and the sauce/meat in a separate bowl.

I decline for indian. I decline about 30% of the time and say I have another event on. This means I am social but don't get into a situation where I eat nothing and waiters commenting. I am very quiet and would never say I don't eat it.

A lot of people order indian/chinese as a takeaway at the weekend. I fear it would look odd to say I don't eat it.

If you don't eat anything there, just ask the restaurant to make up chips/veg for you.

Grimacing at “normal places.”

I wouldn't mention you are fussy/will just eat sides as it will just make people feel bad! If it's a place you know you won't eat anything, but the majority like it, then just decline rather than making them eat boring food.

@Newchallenge

I think that sounds unnecessarily negative - if you're prepared to go and just have sides, do that without announcing it first.

I disagree. It's not very polite to choose a restaurant for a group that does not have many options for people. I've just had an email about a meat restaurant when I'm vegetarian. I've been before and the sole veggy option was awful. I don't see why it would be wrong for me to be negative about this. The gathering is important so I will go anyway and then feel like I'm being forced to waste my money.

@FruitMelange

Even my local curry house will do you a cheese omelette and chips. It's on the menu for fussy people.

Not all will do this though. If I go somewhere excessively spicy I often have to just eat bread on its own or be ill the next day.

"The best response is one of...

A. Yes please, sounds great, I'd love to come.

B. No thanks, I can't make it this time.

I'm not sure why you need to tell everyone you're fussy at the accepting stage.

100% this"

Then the same kind of place will be suggested next time won't it? What's wrong with questioning the choice and asking for something more people can enjoy?

Why don’t you do the suggesting next time? Pick a nice Italian, send the email/text with a couple of dates, then offer to book. You suggest, you book, you choose.

"Over the years, I've managed to learn to like one Indian dish and one Chinese so when they get suggested, I can manage."

They don't all do the same dishes. I went to one Indian where I asked for mild and they just told me 'no'.
In others I've been told a dish is extra mild and been served something that, for me, was not mild at all.
I've learnt not to try in those places any more.

I think making it clear you're not keen and will "only eat sides, but don't worry about me" could come across as trying to manipulate everyone into saying that they'll go for your choice.

Is it the same person choosing all the time? Or what about just dropping into the conversation something along the lines of "We went to X place a few weeks ago, really loved it. What about trying there next time we're going out?" and see the reaction.

@Gwenhwyfar

"The best response is one of...

A. Yes please, sounds great, I'd love to come.

B. No thanks, I can't make it this time.

I'm not sure why you need to tell everyone you're fussy at the accepting stage.

100% this"

Then the same kind of place will be suggested next time won't it? What's wrong with questioning the choice and asking for something more people can enjoy?

Nothing wrong with suggesting a place to go. Loads wrong with announcing your pickiness to all and sundry.

"I think making it clear you're not keen and will "only eat sides, but don't worry about me" could come across as trying to manipulate everyone into saying that they'll go for your choice."

Or it just points out that the choice of restaurant is not inclusive.

You are not as fussy as me!

I usually avoid going out for meals unless I’ve checked the menu out and there is something I will eat (usually steak & chips, plain grilled chicken and chips/potatoes or plain fish. ). I don’t eat rice, pasta, anything in a sauce, cheese, the list goes on. Meals out with people I don’t know are very stressful so I Either make an excuse or eat beforehand and say I’ll just go for a drink.

It’s worse if other people make a fuss and try and cajole you to eat food you know you won’t like. That’s why I sometimes say in advance, I’ll come as long as it’s ok not to eat/just order sides etc. It’s not about being a drama Queen, it’s about other people making a fuss.