Think my husband has a lovechild

[Claire14467]

I am in shock and I don’t know what to do. I have just been contacted by a young man who has done an ancestry.com DNA test. He says the site indicates that there is a parental match to my husband. I know we have done these so they have our DNA on the system but I must say my husband was not keen on it at all at the time.
I am absolutely in shock. He is at work right now and I don’t know how I will face him later. Could this be wrong? Could this man be lying to get money?
Has anyone had a similar experience and got to the bottom of this?! I’m literally shaking with worry and anger.

Not sure if you've had much actual advice.

But for now waiting and speaking to your husband is the best bet.

Depending on his explanation he needs to do a DNA test to check if he is the father or not.

Before you speak to DH I'd order a DNA test. Then I'd tell him he either does it now or the relationship is over. So that would be my advice.

If it was positive I'd probably then LTB and facilitate a relationship with the kids, if mine wanted it. However I appreciate a load of LTBs right now may not be helpful to you now xx

Dh found his biological family this way. Took a lot of obsessive digging, the electoral role and fb, but we found one side of them. Still no idea about the other, apart from a potential cousin/ half uncle, who cut all contact after a few messages.

I can see both sides. Dh did think long and hard about being a potential bomb going off. On the other hand, it was not his fault that he was someone's regret. And being able to photos of his family affected him more than he thought. He knows his roots now.

I’ll hold tight and speak to him later. I’m hoping there’s an explanation for all of this

Good luck @Claire14467 It must be a terrible shock, particularly given the young man's age & the length of your marriage.

That's a huge betrayal of you, and your children.

However, I'd be optimistic through my scepticism about DNA tests done for genealogical purposes - could this be really solid proof? It could all be a huge mistake - for your sake, I hope it is.

@fairycakes1234

At this stage I'm wondering what is worse, me making a cunt of myself then apologising, or the absolute pile on and derail because everyone needs to stick their boot in

Yes I made a mistake. I got it wrong. I was an arsehole. I also said sorry.

Do speak to your husband about this, op.

A timely reminder that it is always best to read terms and conditions before committing to something and the need for an 'open mind' if you go ahead regardless.

It states the following in Ancestry's terms and conditions:

Unexpected Results: When using our Services, you may discover unexpected facts about yourself, or your family (e.g. you may discover an unknown genetic sibling or parent, surprising facts about your ethnicity, unanticipated genetic test results, or unexpected information in public records). Once discoveries are made, we can’t undo them.

Ooof. There appear to be red 'angry' faces on my recent post? This was not deliberate . I rarely use MN from my phone so I think I need to practice more before inadvertently putting 'emotion' symbols on a post !
OP, I hope you & your husband are able to calmly talk this through tonight & if the young man is who he claims to be that you are able to welcome him into your lives (or at least your Hs life) x

We had a relative turn up connected to my mother. The dna said either sister or niece so i did a test and it confirmed niece. If this turns out to be your husbands son I am sorry because it is hard and you dont deserve the hurt. My cousin is in contact with my mother but nobody else . Her father died many years back and the sheer hurt it would cause my aunt would be unreal. This girl has siblings who dont know about her. One of them only a month older than her. My mother has told her two remaining brothers but not her sisters due to the family rejection of another aunt my grandmother had given up for adoption. Its hard to manage this situation the falloutis obviously hard.

On 23 and me people can only contact you if you have a decent amount of dna matching

not sure if ancestry works the same but either way your dh will be able to log in and see the match if it there, and the likely relation. If its there it's there.

There are some really offensive comments on this thread.

There's also a lot of misunderstanding about how Ancestry DNA and the site works.

My guess is that OP is the Manger of her husband's DNA and this match has thus contacted her via the messaging function. This is what people sign up to do, there's nothing scammy about it. Unless OP doesn't know much about what accounts she's managing or how centimorgans work, I'm afraid it's very likely that this man is her husband's biological son.

@GemmaRuby

No advice to offer, shameless placemarking.

Do you know that you can Watch threads you want to follow?

Just above the OP

I hope everything goes well, OP. If he does have a child, I feel sorry for the child who's grown up without knowing his father, as well as for you, of course.

@2022success

Why has he contacted you rather than your DH?

This

I suppose if you have had your DNA done too, there is no chance that he is in fact your son? Kids get mixed up in hospitals. It's something to consider.

Obvious question... how and why did this person contact you instead of your husband? Whether true or not, it's put you in a very tricky position and resulted in understandable worry.

@elelel

A love child?

You mean 'a child' ?

OP means a love child. It's hardly vulgar.

@GemmaRuby

No advice to offer, shameless placemarking.

This is someone's real life you know, @GemmaRuby do you realise how crass and insensitive you are?

If you want to rubberneck for your own purient interest use the watch function

@SafferUpNorth

Obvious question... how and why did this person contact you instead of your husband? Whether true or not, it's put you in a very tricky position and resulted in understandable worry.

It's been explained by several posters above how the contact via these type of sites works

@m1shap3 This Well, it's been explained multiple times.

This is someone's real life you know, @GemmaRuby do you realise how crass and insensitive you are? If you want to rubberneck for your own purient interest use the watch function

Well said.

Obvious question... how and why did this person contact you instead of your husband? Whether true or not, it's put you in a very tricky position and resulted in understandable worry

I believe that a number of us have explained how one person can 'manage' another's DNA trace on Ancestry. I have access to my own, DH, and even BIL.