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Original poster

Think my husband has a lovechild

507 replies

Claire14467 · 20/01/2022 13:37

I am in shock and I don’t know what to do. I have just been contacted by a young man who has done an ancestry.com DNA test. He says the site indicates that there is a parental match to my husband. I know we have done these so they have our DNA on the system but I must say my husband was not keen on it at all at the time.
I am absolutely in shock. He is at work right now and I don’t know how I will face him later. Could this be wrong? Could this man be lying to get money?
Has anyone had a similar experience and got to the bottom of this?! I’m literally shaking with worry and anger.

OP posts:
Snorkmaidenn · 20/01/2022 16:10

Also, my daughter was contacted by a young lady claiming to be my husband's daughter
I could see from her photos that she def was his.

He wasn't aware of this and was a complete shock.
It does happen.

m1shap3 · 20/01/2022 16:10

@NatashaBedwouldbenice I can't see any comments from the OP stating why, sorry

MintMatchmaker · 20/01/2022 16:11

Whilst there is certainly inaccuracies in the Ancestry (and other similar sites) ethnicity estimates, the DNA matches are accurate. The amount of centimorgans that you match by gives you an indicator of the likely relationship. For example, a half sibling would match in the same range as an Aunt or Grandparent so you do have to do further research. However, a parental match will often be at a high enough range for it to mean that there is no other possible relationship.

I’m really sorry OP, I would strongly suspect that you husband does have another child (on the assumption the match has been read correctly). You can check this as the match will be on your husband’s account too.

LaughingCat · 20/01/2022 16:14

@MarshmallowFondant

www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-accurate-are-online-dna-tests/

Scientific American must have it all wrong then too.

A "third cousin twice removed" shares 0-166 cM of DNA. A child/parent shares 2376-3720 cM DNA. There is NO WAY that someone who has a tiny percentage of shared DNA will come up as a sibling/child/parent.

I have already gone through the ranges of cM matches and how that (for example) the upper end of the cM range for a first cousin overlaps with the ranges for niece/nephew, half-sibling, grandchild and am not going through it all again.

Yes there are potential explanations other than child/parent. But the OP has not stated the shared cM between her DH and the match.

But coming on and saying that it's probably not a child, it's some very distant third cousin's child IS rubbish and just plain wrong.

Yes, and I was obviously using artistic licence, pointing out that it may not be the straight parent/child match that the reaults indicated. As you, yourself, just said in your response there. I exaggerated but my core point remains true.

Pedantry on other people’s comments doesn’t help the OP. Being reassured that her emotional response is completely valid while advocating for open and honest communication with her other half…that does.

Eightiesfan · 20/01/2022 16:14

The match would not go to OP but to her husband. The question is now how this individual contacted OP as ancestry.com do not give out email or any contact details, all messaging is done via the website.

I’m not 100% sure if they can see family links through a family tree and message the OP that way - if this is the case I think it is likely they are mischief making, as why contact the wife and not their ‘father’?

OP you need to speak to your husband before jumping to conclusions and upsetting yourself.

MarshmallowFondant · 20/01/2022 16:15

The match would not go to OP but to her husband. The question is now how this individual contacted OP as ancestry.com do not give out email or any contact details, all messaging is done via the website.

How many times.... you can manage other people's DNA kits/matches through your own Ancestry account.

SoupDragon · 20/01/2022 16:16

Oh give over - it could have a happy ending

How?

blacksax · 20/01/2022 16:20

@Plantagenous

I suppose if you have had your DNA done too, there is no chance that he is in fact your son? Kids get mixed up in hospitals. It's something to consider.
Well that can't be possible, otherwise the young man would have been contacting the OP to tell her that she was his mother.
iklboo · 20/01/2022 16:22

Oh give over - it could have a happy ending

Married 34 years, bloke is 25, OP was pregnant with thirds child. In what scenario do you envisage this 'happy ending?

Skeumorph · 20/01/2022 16:23

OP I'm sorry, you must be in shock.

I know nothing about all this kind of thing. But it's clear that there are many folk on here who do.

Come back with the info they've spoken about and it looks as if you could get a pretty clear idea of what the likelihood is that this man is your DH's son. It certainly doesn't look as if it is the only option, for a start.

PollyPepper · 20/01/2022 16:24

I'm so sorry OP, both for this and the un sympathetic replies you've been getting.

Have you responded to the message?

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 20/01/2022 16:25

@Hertsgirl10

Do these sites actually say this person has the dna to be your dad, grandad, uncle etc? Never done one but this thread is quite an eye opener, not read it all so I’m sorry if it’s been said already
On Ancestry you get a headline report for each person. In this example (attached photo) this person is definitely my first cousin. I've met him (albeit not for a couple of decades), we are FB friends, etc., so this was not a huge shock!

Further down my list of matches show people with whom I have, say, 50 cM shared DNA in the tested portion, and will suggest that they are likely to be "4th - 6th Cousin", although if you dig into the blurb it's clear that this is just an estimate.

There are other sites where you can upload your detailed DNA report from Ancestry and have it compare that directly against other people's reports so that you can see exactly what matches and what doesn't, if that floats your boat.

In this case there will presumably be a match on Ancestry showing around 3475 cM of shared DNA (in the tested portion) between the OP's DH and the mysterious stranger.

Think my husband has a lovechild
toppkatz · 20/01/2022 16:26

@MintMatchmaker

Whilst there is certainly inaccuracies in the Ancestry (and other similar sites) ethnicity estimates, the DNA matches are accurate. The amount of centimorgans that you match by gives you an indicator of the likely relationship. For example, a half sibling would match in the same range as an Aunt or Grandparent so you do have to do further research. However, a parental match will often be at a high enough range for it to mean that there is no other possible relationship.

I’m really sorry OP, I would strongly suspect that you husband does have another child (on the assumption the match has been read correctly). You can check this as the match will be on your husband’s account too.

Yes, but as has already been pointed out somewhere upthread, it could be that the person read 'paternal' match and has assumed that it meant father/son, rather than it simply being a match somewhere along the paternal side of both their trees. The OP hasn't said what the score was.

We are speculating without being in possession of the facts (MN all over).

Moonamoona · 20/01/2022 16:28

I really hope it’s a mistake and is a paternal connection not a parental one. What a shocking message to receive though, good luck with your DH

MarshmallowFondant · 20/01/2022 16:29

t could be that the person read 'paternal' match and has assumed that it meant father/son, rather than it simply being a match somewhere along the paternal side of both their trees.

Yup, we need the cM numbers. Just reading through the thread shows how little many posters understand about it all so it's easy to see how someone has seen "paternal match" and assumed it's a father.

Cottonfrenzie · 20/01/2022 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

CrabbyAggie · 20/01/2022 16:33

I would ask for further info before you speak to your DH OP. Where was he born, his mothers name, what his mother had told him about his father etc. I’d want all the info before I confronted in case the DH tried to say it was a mistake which is unlikely if the lad contacted the OP directly through Ancestry.

It’s quite possible that if the OP did a test as well as she says all her family did, there a family tree with marriages etc or connections to OP’s own DC with her as their mother. The DH could have opted for no contact with matches. IIRC when I did one you could opt in or out.

RosiePosieDozy · 20/01/2022 16:34

Speak to your DH. Tell him what this man has said and go from there.

It could be a DNA connection rather than a parental one as a pp said.

BitsAndBaubles · 20/01/2022 16:35

Sending a hug

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/01/2022 16:39

Op if you're still reading, I'd suggest asking mnhq to remove this thread, and posting a new one in the Relationships forum, where people are generally less likely to derail or munch popcorn.

@marshmallowfondant seems to have some good advice, so perhaps save her posts first, as a starting point, then do your own research (or consult an expert.)

If you post in relationships I'd suggest explaining how you were contacted to avoid the pointless speculation about how this young man rang your land-line or got your address 🙄

All best wishes 💐

Hertsgirl10 · 20/01/2022 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. We've removed this because it quotes a previously deleted post.

caringcarer · 20/01/2022 16:40

Can you message him back and ask who is his Mum, when is his birthday, where was he born etc so you can tackle DC h tonight. The more information you have the better. How dreadful this must be for you, the shock. Be kind to yourself and don't make any long term decisions until you have had time to fully process the information and check its validity.

Doomscrolling · 20/01/2022 16:42

I can only imagine how distressed you are, @Claire14467. My relationship is of similar vintage and I’d be beside myself. Flowers

Whatever the outcome of your discussion with your husband, make sure you plan some time to yourself to get your head around things. My heart goes out to you.

FreedomFaith · 20/01/2022 16:43

Hope this ends up being false for you op. What a horrible thing to have to find out if it's true, especially in this way.

VainAbigail · 20/01/2022 16:45

I know we have done these so they have our DNA on the system but I must say my husband was not keen on it at all at the time

So why did you make him do it??