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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right?

129 replies

Hydratedtoo · 19/01/2022 14:49

Parent A
5 figure salary
Pays own bills & shopping
Works full time
Does drop off and collection of child
Does 99% of things with child due to Partner B's job

Parent B
6 figure salary
Pays own bills & household bills
Works full time (slightly longer hours)

Who should do the general house things such as cleaning, washing etc?

Neither of us are agreeing here.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 20/01/2022 12:37

@Hydratedtoo

*Yes, absolutely.

Regular trips out, daddy daughter days, taking her shopping for some new toys/clothes etc.

It's just on a day to day basis, yes I do more of it because I work slightly less hours than him (albeit I am still full time).*

This is still the fun side - parenting is doing the other stuff as well. This still seems slightly Disney Dad - what of the parenting grunt work does he do?

JeffThePilot · 20/01/2022 12:51

Parent B works 2 extra hours a day.

I’d not call that slightly longer hours tbh, OP. That’s ten hours a week. You can get a fair bit done in ten hours. Equal leisure time being the aim, you’d need to take this into consideration.

Anyway it seems like you’ve resolved it now and a cleaner should make things easier all round.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2022 12:55

@JeffThePilot

Parent B works 2 extra hours a day.

I’d not call that slightly longer hours tbh, OP. That’s ten hours a week. You can get a fair bit done in ten hours. Equal leisure time being the aim, you’d need to take this into consideration.

Anyway it seems like you’ve resolved it now and a cleaner should make things easier all round.

tbf she did already address those 2 hours a day :

The 2 hours without Parent B include collecting child, doing dinner, bath, bed and general tidying. The house still needs a weekly deep clean, dinner cooked and washing done etc.

Original poster
Hydratedtoo · 20/01/2022 13:07

[quote Quartz2208]@Hydratedtoo

*Yes, absolutely.

Regular trips out, daddy daughter days, taking her shopping for some new toys/clothes etc.

It's just on a day to day basis, yes I do more of it because I work slightly less hours than him (albeit I am still full time).*

This is still the fun side - parenting is doing the other stuff as well. This still seems slightly Disney Dad - what of the parenting grunt work does he do?[/quote]
By the time he's home from work, our daughter is in bed so it's only weekends he can do things. Hence why it's more of the fun stuff!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hydratedtoo · 20/01/2022 13:09

@Bluetrews25

Salary is irrelevant. Time spent at the coalface is. Reassure him that simple repetetive tasks (like washing up that you can do with half a brain switched off) are great stress relievers. The parenting you have mentioned that he does sounds very Disney-dad who only sees the DC on a weekend. DCs appreciate and remember more the times Dad sat and read that favourite book with them or they did a jigsaw together. Spending money is not what it takes to be a good Dad. Far from it.
I didn't realise I had to list the play time they have at home too like drawing pictures, reading books, cooking, etc.
OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/01/2022 13:20

@Hydratedtoo

Ps, I'm getting a lovely meal out this weekend too!

Might make more threads in the future for advice haha Smile

I can't think why, on those salaries, you haven't had a cleaner for years.

And I'd highly recommend a gardener too

MananaTomorrow · 20/01/2022 14:23

@JeffThePilot

Parent B works 2 extra hours a day.

I’d not call that slightly longer hours tbh, OP. That’s ten hours a week. You can get a fair bit done in ten hours. Equal leisure time being the aim, you’d need to take this into consideration.

Anyway it seems like you’ve resolved it now and a cleaner should make things easier all round.

Yes is it two hours because they are needed and he doesn’t have any choice in it? Or is two hours because that’s good for his career and actually he could get away earlier? Because as that wage, he will paid the same with or without the two hours per day… it’s not like he is paid overtime.

And why is he able to do that? Because the Op is there to clean, parent p, cook etc…
So yes he works two hours because he has the CHOICE to work two hours more.
Why should the OP have to do her work, not have the opportunity to stay longer because child etc… and also have to do 90% of the work in the house?

So no I’m nit seeing that as a case

MananaTomorrow · 20/01/2022 14:26

And i agree, he is CHOOSING to do all the nice bits of parenting.
He doesn’t do the reading in the evening and the spellings, and the eating well at the time, nit play up etc etcetc…

Nope he has the nice time with his dc doing fun things HE wants to do, whilst you have the drudgery of everyday parenting.

These things are not comparable.

Original poster
Hydratedtoo · 20/01/2022 14:57

@MananaTomorrow because those are his 'contracted' hours, he is senior in his company and cannot leave earlier than that.

Our daughter isn't at an age where she would be doing spellings yet. The weekends are meant for fun times and at the weekends he does do reading, playing with her, taking her to the park, meals.

It's Mon-Fri I do all the parenting because there's not a choice in this. It was always said I'd get a job where the hours work around our child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hydratedtoo · 20/01/2022 14:59

@MananaTomorrow

And i agree, he is CHOOSING to do all the nice bits of parenting. He doesn’t do the reading in the evening and the spellings, and the eating well at the time, nit play up etc etcetc…

Nope he has the nice time with his dc doing fun things HE wants to do, whilst you have the drudgery of everyday parenting.

These things are not comparable.

I do 9-4 and he does 8-6 for comparison.
OP posts:
EmpressCixi · 20/01/2022 15:50

@MananaTomorrow because those are his 'contracted' hours, he is senior in his company and cannot leave earlier than that.

Well done OP. Completely agree with you. Being senior doesn’t mean you can leave work at 4 sharp everyday. It usually means long hours or the sack. And I am sure the weekends hold just as much “drudgery” as weekdays as you still have to entertain, feed, clothe, and wash the mites. Though I found that to be fun. Tiring but fun.

Original poster
Hydratedtoo · 20/01/2022 16:01

@EmpressCixi trust me, if he could leave earlier then he would. On Friday, he's got to work until 9pm for an accounts review!

The weekends are fine because we share the workload then, but it's just the weekly slog. I'm happy I posted as now we've had a good discussion on things but I think some people are reading too into this calling him a Disney dad - far from that!

OP posts:
EmpressCixi · 20/01/2022 16:15

@Hydratedtoo

Absolutely. I held a senior position like that and it included 24/7 on call. Yes had 8am and 10pm meetings because the organisation was world wide and we dealt in many time zones. Yes, I often got home at 7pm, only to turn around and be called back in from 11pm to 2am. Yes, I often worked weekends. I also travelled a lot...Covid has thankfully made this madness go away for the most part. But I completely do trust you and there is nothing wrong with a couple prioritising one career while children are small. We prioritised my career then, but now they are teenagers my DHs career is the priority and I have moved laterally to a less stressful position as I’ve paid my dues so to speak.

Blossomtoes · 20/01/2022 16:18

@1940s

Outsource!!! Why work so hard and tempeh spend your free time arguing over who should scrub the bath!
This.
KatharinaRosalie · 20/01/2022 16:31

Sounds like a regular office based job, can't he do any of it remotely? I work way more than full time, but even pre-pandemic, I was home to do bedtime and finished things after that from home. Especially if we are talking about being on Teams calls with people all around the world - they won't care where exactly you are sitting. Seeing your children only on weekends is not that great.

Hertsgirl10 · 20/01/2022 16:48

Both and does parent b not eat or a thing cos why don’t they pay towards shopping?

MsMeNz · 20/01/2022 16:51

Hire a cleaner.
Get food delivered.
With a good income like that you should buy both back some lesuire time.
Then split chores.. say parent a happy to cook 5 nights a week, 1 night takeaway and parent b cook 1 night. Parent b does dishes 5 nights a week... Parent a takes out rubbish. Etc etc

Trial for a month and adjust. Keep a notice board up with agreement on. Allow for flexibility when someone stuck in traffic or ill etc..

I would say as well if it is an option as we are like this also although it's me who earns the 6 figures and still does most stuff due to the nature of my DH job (long haul drive) so I feel the struggle bug time. I can't be earning ££££ and buggering off every other day to sort kids out. (I do and it's an issue) so we have agreed in 5 months time when we debt free DH will go part time closer to home or a full time stay at home dad. We do the whiteboard thing now and it helps... Better than it use to be but his lower paid job doesn't allow for the flexibility my higher paid one afford me. But it's killing hence the future change.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 20/01/2022 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Hydratedtoo · 20/01/2022 17:37

@KatharinaRosalie

Sounds like a regular office based job, can't he do any of it remotely? I work way more than full time, but even pre-pandemic, I was home to do bedtime and finished things after that from home. Especially if we are talking about being on Teams calls with people all around the world - they won't care where exactly you are sitting. Seeing your children only on weekends is not that great.
It is not a regular office based job, far from it.
OP posts:
Themadcatparade · 20/01/2022 19:04

Both child care and household duties should be equally shared. If you are home and the other is not, get on with what needs doing. When one is up doing household stuff, the other needs to as well.

Salary seems so unimportant in this

MananaTomorrow · 20/01/2022 20:02

I have never heard of people in such senior position having contracted hours tbh…

But as others have said, that’s not the point.

The point is that you are finding too much and he thinks he shouldn’t be doing more than he does, which is very little.
Regardless of your respective wages, the hours you have at work etc… there should be some balance for BOTH of you and he should be taking responsibility in parenting and keeping the house rather than leaving it all to you. Otherwise you are just acting as a housekeeper and a nanny iyswim

Original poster
Hydratedtoo · 20/01/2022 20:14

@MananaTomorrow

I have never heard of people in such senior position having contracted hours tbh…

But as others have said, that’s not the point.

The point is that you are finding too much and he thinks he shouldn’t be doing more than he does, which is very little.
Regardless of your respective wages, the hours you have at work etc… there should be some balance for BOTH of you and he should be taking responsibility in parenting and keeping the house rather than leaving it all to you. Otherwise you are just acting as a housekeeper and a nanny iyswim

I'm trying to be vague because it'll become too obvious otherwise.
OP posts:
Overitallnow · 20/01/2022 20:29

Pool income. Get a cleaner.

Cherrysoup · 20/01/2022 20:35

Cleaner.

Does your dh think you should do all the ‘pink’ jobs because you earn less (having had the dc and supported him, allowing his career to progress)?

kittykat33 · 20/01/2022 20:53

If you both earn that much then stop arguing & get a cleaner.

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