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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right?

129 replies

Hydratedtoo · 19/01/2022 14:49

Parent A
5 figure salary
Pays own bills & shopping
Works full time
Does drop off and collection of child
Does 99% of things with child due to Partner B's job

Parent B
6 figure salary
Pays own bills & household bills
Works full time (slightly longer hours)

Who should do the general house things such as cleaning, washing etc?

Neither of us are agreeing here.

OP posts:
MananaTomorrow · 20/01/2022 10:41

You know what.
Seeing that parent A (aka you) are doing 99% of the childcare then I think it's only fair that parent B does much more tha 50% of all the other housework chores.
I am assuming there that we are not even going into all the other stuff such as buying prsents, dealing with electricity/gas, holidyas, cars MOT etc etc etc which Im pretty sure falls into you too.

Great to have a cleaner. HOWEVER, imo, this will only mask the issue. That your partner thinks earning more money than you also equates him being above doing all the work in the house, parenting etc....
I's say you STILL need a word on shring the load, incl the fcat HE shouod be dealing with finding a cleaner. Not you.

MananaTomorrow · 20/01/2022 10:44

I'm very grateful for not having to put into the household bills so I guess in that respect it balances out that I do more.

No it doesn't. Financially arrangemnets are separate from the housework/parenting arrangements as you are both working full time.
As he is earning 5x more tha you, he shoud be paying 5x more than you (And thats if you consider that all finances are supposed to be totally separated...).
It shouyd NOT mean that he can also stop having any responsibility running the house or parenting his child.

The 'doing more' works with a SAHP because they are there all the time. You're not.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/01/2022 10:49

Be kind to each other. Does parent b genuinely have a more stressful job? That should be taken in to consideration.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/01/2022 10:50

Salary is irrelevant, if the higher earner is counting this then they are basically saying that their contribution is more important than the contribution of looking after their child, and / or feel like they are 'paying for' their lower earning partner to do more housework. Unless the lower or non earner is a parent of school age children and works short hours so they have substantial free time then they are not being subsidised, the higher earner doesn't get to get out of things just because their hours happen to bring more money to the table.

Picking up and sorting out kids after nursery/ school is 'work' and this should be taken into account when thinking about equal splits of other chores so everyone gets the same time off

Original poster
Hydratedtoo · 20/01/2022 10:51

@arethereanyleftatall

Be kind to each other. Does parent b genuinely have a more stressful job? That should be taken in to consideration.
100% more stressful. Mine is very relaxed and easy, his it not.
OP posts:
Original poster
Hydratedtoo · 20/01/2022 10:53

Thank you everyone for your perspectives, it's really appreciated.

I'd just like to point out that our relationship is wonderful and he is a very good father.

We're both just trying to find the right balance to make sure we've both got fair downtime and time to enjoy each other's company.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2022 11:05

Parent B's theory is that they have a more stressful job and spend more on the household so they should get a little more down time.

If he wants more down time then he needs to pay a cleaner/laundry service or whoever to pick up his slack, not expect his wife who also works full time to do more than her fair share of the housework. If my DH made these comments to me I'd be really pissed off and thinking he see's me as inferior to him/not an actual partner

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2022 11:09

Great to have a cleaner. HOWEVER, imo, this will only mask the issue. That your partner thinks earning more money than you also equates him being above doing all the work in the house, parenting etc....

Yep exactly how I see it too, that attitude would really put me off

CheltenhamLady · 20/01/2022 11:16

@1940s

Outsource!!! Why work so hard and tempeh spend your free time arguing over who should scrub the bath!
Absolutely this. No doubt. Why is it even an issue?
CheltenhamLady · 20/01/2022 11:19

Although, I do agree that the higher earner believing that means they warrant less household input is a red flag.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2022 11:21

100% more stressful. Mine is very relaxed and easy, his it not.

Just because his job is more stressful doesn't mean that you don't deserve your free time too. Work is still work and not time off

crazyjinglist · 20/01/2022 11:26

Salary is totally irrelevant to chores. The only relevant thing is time available. Time spent picking up and dropping off children etc should be factored in. Earning more money and paying more towards household bills does not entitle him to more leisure time!

Quartz2208 · 20/01/2022 11:29

Has Parent B actually done much parenting - it sounds like he hasnt and therefore considers it to be less stressful.

Good parenting and a good father is an involved one. It is all well and good (and correct) to outsource cleaning etc but he does need to get time with his child otherwise he wont have a connection. And to appreciate how hard it is so downtime is equal

mugoftea456 · 20/01/2022 11:32

With those wages, outsorce it all. Life if too short to argue about who is going to wash up

Socialcarenope · 20/01/2022 11:33

@PurplePikachu

You should have equal leisure time. FWIW my husband earns several times more than I do, and we still have equal leisure time and broadly equal responsibilities.
Same.

From a logistical perspective I do 80% of school pick ups, tea and get them ready for bed and 60% of bed times but the rest is evenly split. We do have a cleaner though.

KatharinaRosalie · 20/01/2022 11:40

Getting a cleaner is great but this doesn't in any way mean that you have now outsourced all the work that needs to be done around the house. Most cleaners clean, they do not declutter, sort or tidy. They won't take over the mental load. So parent B should not think that by hiring a cleaner, there is nothing else to do now.

Original poster
Hydratedtoo · 20/01/2022 11:42

@Quartz2208

Has Parent B actually done much parenting - it sounds like he hasnt and therefore considers it to be less stressful.

Good parenting and a good father is an involved one. It is all well and good (and correct) to outsource cleaning etc but he does need to get time with his child otherwise he wont have a connection. And to appreciate how hard it is so downtime is equal

Yes, absolutely.

Regular trips out, daddy daughter days, taking her shopping for some new toys/clothes etc.

It's just on a day to day basis, yes I do more of it because I work slightly less hours than him (albeit I am still full time).

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbes · 20/01/2022 11:45

Outsource. Get a cleaner.

Original poster
Hydratedtoo · 20/01/2022 11:53

I've showed him this thread and wow, what a difference it's going to be at home now.

He didn't realise his mentality wasn't right and will be making more of an effort with housework so I can have more evenings to put my feet up.

Thank you all for your help Thanks

OP posts:
NewPapaGuinea · 20/01/2022 11:53

It’s not all or nothing, the work gets divided however you agree, but one person shouldn’t be handling it all or you delegate it to a paid third-party.

Original poster
Hydratedtoo · 20/01/2022 11:56

Ps, I'm getting a lovely meal out this weekend too!

Might make more threads in the future for advice haha Smile

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2022 12:05

@Hydratedtoo

I've showed him this thread and wow, what a difference it's going to be at home now.

He didn't realise his mentality wasn't right and will be making more of an effort with housework so I can have more evenings to put my feet up.

Thank you all for your help Thanks

Me and my DH usually do housework at the same time (and the kids too if they're around (older teen/adult children) ) That way you can both put your feet up together
Bluetrews25 · 20/01/2022 12:12

Salary is irrelevant. Time spent at the coalface is.
Reassure him that simple repetetive tasks (like washing up that you can do with half a brain switched off) are great stress relievers.
The parenting you have mentioned that he does sounds very Disney-dad who only sees the DC on a weekend. DCs appreciate and remember more the times Dad sat and read that favourite book with them or they did a jigsaw together. Spending money is not what it takes to be a good Dad. Far from it.

OniferousWasp · 20/01/2022 12:18

@girlmom21

A 5 figure salary could be £20,000 or £70,000.

It depends on the jobs etc.
If one of you is a brain surgeon and one of you is a librarian the brain surgeon needs more rest.

If one of you is a head teacher and one's a head of department you can easily balance the load between you.

Generally speaking, though, salary shouldn't be relevant. Especially if A is doing most of the childcare to accommodate B's high earning potential.

This
deathofastrawberry · 20/01/2022 12:22

I'd say it should be equal as you both have a lot of responsibilities. I've got a 7mo baby and have just enquired about getting a cleaner every 2 weeks, really can't wait to have the weight off my shoulders and to have a clean house! It's not as expensive as I though it would be as well.