To be fed up with OH & BIL sickly relationship

[isitjustthehormones]

I have done a thread about BIL before but here I am again giving him too much thought.

I don't know how to explain it I just find him terribly annoying and him & OH together is my idea of hell.

He rings OH soon as he finishes work then they will talk the whole entire drive back. Constantly texting and sending each other videos. They talk about crap aswell. If I ever try and have an opinion on something BIL will just right it off and tell me that I am wrong. OH won't say anything to him then the atmosphere after that is just awkward.

To top it off he has just moved 5 minutes round the corner from us so I am now obliged to have dinner with him 2 times a week because they organised a "cook off".

I've just had enough I feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them!

AIBU? I'm not that close with my siblings so I don't know if it's just me but I just find the whole situation suffocating.

[quote Roselilly36]@HaveringWavering. 😂 I will be an awesome MIL, I have learnt from the best.[/quote]
I presume your husband has no siblings then?

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken and your responses to OP, and me, aren't doing exactly the same?

Or is it advice and obviously right when you agree and negative and controlling when you don't?

This is Mumsnet, after all. All opinions are equally valid. You don't have to internalise them, take them personally. Just put them out there for any OP to ponder!

@headunderthewater yep came right home!

Agree with you on your honeymoon however there will be some people who will say that their wives' sister or mother comes with them on their holidays/. Two friends of mine come in to mind. One she lives in a cul de sac with all our family loving in the other houses, there is not a day where her sister or mother are not in her house. They all go out together, go on holiday together etc. I feel sorry for husband as they never get their own time. Another is currently renovating her house, her mother and sister was also included in the design went looking for builders. They are there every eve ( also live near them) she is on the phone to them back and forth discussing kitchens tiles etc . Again the husband has no say or look in. To some people this is ok and not at all weird. I think if you were talking as a man and this was your partner and her sister, people wouldn't think a close relationship is weird .

Don’t send DH to BIL’s for tea without you unless he also takes the DC.

We often holiday with family as well. But the first conversation about that is with DH and I.

He definitely shouldn’t be chatting on the phone to him while you’re driving him home every night, so rude! I couldn’t stand this either OP, I’m amazed you’ve stuck around for so long tbh. Even worse now he lives around the corner and keeps coming to your house. I think I’d have to serve up an ultimatum tbh. He can see his brother maybe once a week but the constant calls and weird obsessive shit like ‘cook offs’ needs to end.

So what do you plan to do, OP?

This bromance would send me barmy tbh.

Omg I can’t believe what you’re saying, you don’t ever get a break from the man, do you?! Holidays together, chatting shit every evening when you pick him up, cooking for him once a week, going there for dinner once a week. It sounds as if your oh is not often present physically, emotionally or forth. You must feel as if there are 3 people in this relationship.

Things definitely need to change. What about what you want in life? Has he ever thought about your wants and needs?! Or those of the kids?

forth = both

I imagine your brother in law looks up to his older brother who has probably always been a stable influence in his life. Your husband obviously loves his little brother and always has his back.

The intensity will die down somewhat when bil has a significant other.

It's nice for two brothers to be close. You do need to set boundaries though, eg the chap doesn't have to go on all your holidays and you don't have to be involved in all the cook ups.

Sounds like you have the ‘ick’ with the BIL, & soon will with your OH.

As others have suggested, you need to ‘work to rule’ with your OH to have the time & space with him you both need to look after your relationship. You will soon have three children, so maintaining a healthy adult relationship is a priority for you both & this includes boundaries to support the family.

So that’s no more picks up from work - your doing the school run is enough.
If pick ups must continue, then you take turns driving & the drive home is a phone free & BIL free zone. If he’s ignoring you when he speaks to BIL in the car, does that mean that he is ignoring the DC as well? That really is not on.

Belittling you in your own home or when you are at his as a guest? Just not on. But bear in mind that BiL may have feelings of misplaced resentment that you are the one providing OH with a great family life.

However, that does not excuse him being rude of patronising towards you. Speak with your OH, outline how & when it happens, how this is affecting you & ask him why does he think his brother does that, after all he knows him so well? How will OH help his bro’ to understand that this has to change? Ask him how & what HE is going to do about his bro’ upsetting his wife, the mother of his three children & affecting his happy marriage. If there is no shift in OH’s thinking & routine, then you know where you stand.

You are due another child, you are going to be even busier than ever, & have less emotional energy to compensate for the OH/BiL routine, you are best off tackling this now.

@girlmom21

Oh if you're running him around tell him you're not a taxi driver and if he wants picking up he can do you the courtesy of actually talking to you...

This 100%.

Was this happening when you dated?
If yes, how did you form a union?
If no...
Has your husband probably disengaged from you/your marriage and is using his brother as a buffer between you?

Beside the point of the thread but I dont think an 18 year old and 20 year old living at home it at all unusual, Havering Wavering.
Thats not enabling, its normal!

YABU it’s nice they’re so close and I don’t think it’s fair you’re trying to stop it.

I’ve read some threads on here and seen in RL times when siblings don’t get on so be thankful you don’t have that drama.

As you say it’s probably just because you’re on maternity leave and you don’t have much going on to occupy your mind so everything is heightened.

I pick OH up from work everyday

Can he not drive?

Oh if you're running him around tell him you're not a taxi driver and if he wants picking up he can do you the courtesy of actually talking to you...

They only have one car though.
The reason OP picks him up is so she can use the car during the day.

You won't be able to pick him up once you have the baby, so how will he get home then?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I pick OH up from work everyday

Can he not drive?

Can you not read?

I see why the calls are annoying, how rude. You're like a taxi driver! Get DH to make his own way home if he doesn't want to talk to you. Maybe bake off would be fine without the daily calls. Perhaps suggest they speak when you all get home so you can go and do something else for 30mins... whatever you do avoid getting in between them though for your own sake x

If push comes to shove and you give him an ultimatum, what will be his choice?

Are you sure it will be you?

@Whitecushion

Beside the point of the thread but I dont think an 18 year old and 20 year old living at home it at all unusual, Havering Wavering. Thats not enabling, its normal!

I agree. It was quite a pathetic swipe at @HaveringWavering

Oh. It’s nice when siblings are this close

I’m this close to my mum. I speak every single car journey. My husband doesn’t have a problem with it.