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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with OH & BIL sickly relationship

133 replies

isitjustthehormones · 19/01/2022 14:44

I have done a thread about BIL before but here I am again giving him too much thought.

I don't know how to explain it I just find him terribly annoying and him & OH together is my idea of hell.

He rings OH soon as he finishes work then they will talk the whole entire drive back. Constantly texting and sending each other videos. They talk about crap aswell. If I ever try and have an opinion on something BIL will just right it off and tell me that I am wrong. OH won't say anything to him then the atmosphere after that is just awkward.

To top it off he has just moved 5 minutes round the corner from us so I am now obliged to have dinner with him 2 times a week because they organised a "cook off".

I've just had enough I feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them!

AIBU? I'm not that close with my siblings so I don't know if it's just me but I just find the whole situation suffocating.

OP posts:
MrsSchrute · 19/01/2022 15:46

Stop picking him up
Stop going with him when he goes to his brother's for dinner
Stop cooking when his brother comes over.
Leave them to it.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 19/01/2022 15:46

Does he know how you feel?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/01/2022 15:48

Calls to his brother need to stop happening on the drive home. That's so rude!

MooPointCowsOpinion · 19/01/2022 15:49

He can have that relationship with his brother without dragging you into it, you don’t need to cook for them, or go over there, or be involved at all.
Remove yourself from their relationship (I know you didn’t choose to be so involved) and leave them to it.
Deal with your partner’s lack of support around the home separately. He needs to be pulling his weight and more, you’re heavily pregnant so he has to do over 50% of the jobs!

Suzanne999 · 19/01/2022 15:49

It does sound OTT.
BIL needs a girlfriend ( or Boyfriend) in his life.

2YearsOfWastedTime · 19/01/2022 15:51

I talk to my brother and sister on and off all day

Whats the big deal?

KatherineJaneway · 19/01/2022 15:52

You do not need to go to BIL's for dinner, DH can go by himself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2022 15:54

@2YearsOfWastedTime

I talk to my brother and sister on and off all day

Whats the big deal?

The big deal is OP being used as a chauffeur/chef while he conducts his actual relationship, which isn't with her.

It's rude to ignore the person in the car while they're driving you.

Ellavoday · 19/01/2022 15:55

@Suzanne999

It does sound OTT. BIL needs a girlfriend ( or Boyfriend) in his life.
It’s excluding OP and treating her like a taxi driver.
beetr00 · 19/01/2022 16:05

@isitjustthehormones, could OH drive home from work?

He'd be unable to be on phone then Wink

Ricksteinsfishwife · 19/01/2022 16:08

Is it you can’t afford another car? I guess you’ve all evening to talk to each other so this is the time he talks to his brother? I’d find it weird too but the answer is find another transport solution.

Wexone · 19/01/2022 16:14

As someone has said
Stop picking him up
Stop going with him when he goes to his brother's for dinner
Stop cooking when his brother comes over.
You are not a taxi or chef
Deal with you partner separately on the housework etc and support as you are pregnant
However their very close relationship doesn't bother me . I have female friends that are like this with their mother or sister who have very close relationships as you describe and people don't think that's weird. so why should it be weird because its two brothers

TheOccupier · 19/01/2022 16:14

@girlmom21

Oh if you're running him around tell him you're not a taxi driver and if he wants picking up he can do you the courtesy of actually talking to you...
Definitely this. I'd just stop picking him up, are you loading 2 kids into the car to be his taxi driver? You surely won't be able to do that when the third one arrives so might as well knock the lifts on the head now. Let his fellow bus passengers be the ones to listen to his annoying conversations.
CharityDingle · 19/01/2022 16:16

I know someone whose marriage broke down because of something similar. In her case the brother was living with them, and her husband basically wanted to be able to live the single life, plus behaving like he was the brother's age. They had kids also.

Sorry if that sounds like a prophecy of doom.

Roselilly36 · 19/01/2022 16:18

My DS’ are really close friends as well as brothers, they are 20 and nearly 19. Neither of them would let a GF come between them, particularly my younger son, the first person he wants to see in the morning is his brother. I really wish I had that sort of closeness to a sibling.

Tsuni · 19/01/2022 16:19

Is it trauma bonding? Did something bad happen to them when they were younger eg abusive parents? Or maybe they’re orphaned?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2022 16:25

@Roselilly36

My DS’ are really close friends as well as brothers, they are 20 and nearly 19. Neither of them would let a GF come between them, particularly my younger son, the first person he wants to see in the morning is his brother. I really wish I had that sort of closeness to a sibling.
Which is fine when you're young.

But this is a partner and father. I hope your boys will mature and grow and change when they marry and have children. And have enough manners not to stay on the phone when they are with someone else in person.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2022 16:29

I don't think their relationship is 'sickly' or abnormally close, but some things need to change for sure.

It's very rude to for him chat away to his brother in the car, especially since he's being 'chauffeured' around. My DH had a BFF he used to do this with when we were on long drives (we RV), although he was usually driving. I finally told him it was a bit hurtful that he apparently didn't consider me 'worth talking to' and he stopped or he'd ask if I minded.

It's also very rude to expect you to do the cooking in a 'cook off' that he and his brother have apparently organized. Having dinner with each other twice a week, meh, no big deal IF everyone is in agreement. It would means one less meal to cook (two, really since DH should be cooking for the 'cook off').

Have you actually spoken to him about this? Just don't approach it saying that he and his brother are 'too close' or have a 'sickly relationship'. Tell him that you enjoy talking to him too and want to share your days on the drive home. Tell him that he will need to cook for his DB since it's 'their' cook off' and that you plan to stay home to give them 'brother time' when it's DB's turn to cook.

EskSmith · 19/01/2022 16:29

I do think valuing family relationships is important, it's not odd that he wants to speak to his brother so much or even that they want to spend time together multiple times a week.

The issue is when he is doing this is getting in the way. You need to move that phonecall, now bil has moved closer could he pick dh up sometimes? ,Or could he use public transport? These solutions mean that you wouldn't have to drag DC & soon a new baby out to meet him so you could dress it up this way...

Or could Dh walk part of the way home and have his chat then, ending the call as he meets you. I'd change the meals Dh goes to bil once a week so they can have some catch up time. Dh cooks on the night bil comes to you.

I'd also be clear to dh that it is not on for bil to dismiss your opinions like that dh needs to step up here.

CustardySergeant · 19/01/2022 16:30

[quote beetr00]@isitjustthehormones, could OH drive home from work?

He'd be unable to be on phone then Wink[/quote]
Well, he should be unable to be on the phone then, but I wouldn't be surprised if he used the phone while he was driving, he seems addicted to speaking to BIL as soon as he leaves work. It's a risk I wouldn't want to take as he could cause an accident.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2022 16:31

[quote beetr00]@isitjustthehormones, could OH drive home from work?

He'd be unable to be on phone then Wink[/quote]
Not necessarily, unless simply talking whilst driving is illegal. There are plenty of handsfree devices if your car doesn't have bluetooth.

Brainstorm21 · 19/01/2022 16:33

I think for people who are not close to their family it's actually quite hard to understand. I will talk to my mum once a week or so unless she wants something and to my brothers never. Once she passes away I doubt we'll see each other ever again!

My ex talked to their mum and sister all the bloody time. Even on honeymoon they called then every damn day.

It's just how some people are. Keeping in touch, chatting, sending rubbish videos etc. is fine.

Treating you like a stranger in your own home and ignoring you on car journey home from work. Not on.

LethargicActress · 19/01/2022 16:34

It’s nice that he has a close relationship with his brother, and it would be you that was in the wrong if you tried to change that.

But this

I pick OH up from work everyday before he even gets in the car he's on the phone to his brother

is just plain fucking rude. No way would I be driving around for someone that treated me like that.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 19/01/2022 16:34

@Roselilly36

My DS’ are really close friends as well as brothers, they are 20 and nearly 19. Neither of them would let a GF come between them, particularly my younger son, the first person he wants to see in the morning is his brother. I really wish I had that sort of closeness to a sibling.
I agree. I think it’s lovely. Op should just tell him to make his own way home from work if she’s feeling overwhelmed.

As for the PP insinuating that a daily phone call to his brother is equivalent to an emotional affair HAHAHA

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/01/2022 16:38

Start saying no.

No, you don't want to cook for his DB or go to his DB for dinner every week.

No , you don't want to pick him up to listen to him and his DBtalk about whatever every day.

No, you don't want to be coping with 2, one on the way, whsilt hie and his DB have a nice chat

No, you won't be polite next time, or any other time DB cuts you off, is rude to you.

No, he cannot simply ignore you, you won't allow it. Start talking to DH when he gets in the car, ask him questions, no, you can't wait, this needs to be discussed now!

And do tell him to choose between his brother and his wife and kids. Because he is going to lose you if this carries on.