Life passing me by every evening

[Hottubtimemachine]

I work long hours, mainly from home, in a stressful job but one that I generally enjoy. I’m well paid.
However, I am wasting my life away as I’m so exhausted every evening I can barely move off the sofa.
I finish work around 6/7 (start 7.30am), sometimes I carry on even later with my laptop on the sofa. All I have the energy for is a glass of wine and netflix.
What a waste. I see people going to the theatre, the gym, out with friends. How do I break this cycle? I have one day off a week and I crash and barely get out of bed.
So far..I’ve created a separate office I can shut the door on each evening and have knocked the wine on the head in the hope of more energy. I need to look at my working day so it doesn’t leave me so drained (for example there wasn’t a single break in my diary today from meetings from 8am- 5pm and then there’s all the actual work to do after that!)
AIBU to want to have a life in the evening? How do I change things and break this cycle? Any tips?

How old are you? Do you have any chronic conditions? Can you list your top 3 things that you love doing?

whats your diet like?

Make sure you take a lunch break and relax. Or have a walk if you've got the energy.

With those hours and one day off a week, you are living to work.

Why does your job require so much effort? Is it workloads, are you doing the work of 2 people, or is it time management, or getting dragged into things that you shouldn't?

Who manages your diary, you or someone else?

I totally get you. I don't go out much in the evenings any more (baby and toddler) but I do remember feeling the same as you and working similar hours. I found it easier to go somewhere directly FROM work, as if I went home first thr temptation of staying in was too much especially in winter.

Thank you for the replies.
My top 3 things are walking, being outdoors and seeing friends. I do them rarely.
My diet is awful. I would like to have the time and energy to change this.
I have a PA but also other people can book into my diary, there’s no consideration for the fact I need a break or to do actual work. Blocked off time just gets booked in to. I need to have another conversation don’t I…!
I work long hours for all of the reasons you suggest @YoBeaches. It’s a senior leadership role so the work never ends and I’m working on having the right team around me (I’m new). I’m probably also a bit inefficient at times I think.

Assuming you can get to bed by 11-12 then on your day off get up and out by 10. You won’t benefit any further from more sleep and will get more sluggish.

Make plans for that day. Join a class, meet friends, whatever.

OK, I’ve been there. Work can eat your life if you let it and particularly if you have a high-pressure job. What are you contracted to do? How does your boss work?

First, get on top of the meetings. So many organisations will fill your days with meetings and GLEEFULLY grab your last half hour without wondering when you’re going to eat or wee, let alone get anything done.

In orgs like that ‘keep free’ or ‘no meetings’ blocks won’t work. In a previous role I found myself inventing external meetings so that I could keep a diary slot clear. Ridiculously, I’d set up Teams links and everything. Right now you may be the person where everyone feels like they need - and are entitled to - just a little bit of your time. You are also entitled to that time. Take it back, and give it to Dan Morris or Alice Wetherley or whomever. (Actual people are quite useful for this.) Also useful is ‘mentoring session’ or similar.

And I’d have a really honest chat with your boss. In the current labour landscape retention is a massive issue and they should be thinking about how to avoid losing you to another org or burnout. If they’re not thinking that, get out if you can, and let them continue to burn through people with someone else.

Is this your own business? If so, working 22 hour shifts for 5/6 days, whilst tiring, is just what’s needed sometimes, but if it wasn’t my own business I wouldn’t be working like that for someone else!!
No meeting for a lunch break and take the full hour!!

I'd get a different job.

This isn't sustainable.

Personally I don't see the point.

What are you hoping to achieve- does work provide fulfillment, so you don't mind all those hours?
Are you earning shedloads? So this is only short term and you can retire earlier?

Are you in a relationship? Are you hoping for kids? do you think it would be possible in this job?

From your op it just seems like you're on a treadmill and you're being made to run as fast as you can all the time, but you don't really know why you are running.

@Hottubtimemachine you have a PA but others can just book time into your diary? Why?
Change your calendar settings so nobody but you and your PA can see what is in your diary. Then it will be controlled. Set specific boundaries with your PA about time that can be eaten into and time that can't without checking with you first. Put blocks of 'catch up time in your diary each week and stick to them. Have regular catch ups with your PA ( daily, weekly, whatever works for you ) so everything that needs to be queried or gone through is saved for that time. Or ask your PA to put together a 'wash up' email that is sent to you at the end of every day with things you need to be aware of, issues that have raised their head or reminders from your inbox .

It’s not your business and just seen you are in senior management….we’ll then manage!! Delegate your work load out to your team better, that’s what they are there for.

Could you a leisure activity for either 7 or 7. 30pm one evening a week? A fitness class, personal trainer, pottery, painting, music lesson, anything you would be interested in. Preferably something that is paid for upfront or in advance then you are already invested in it and more likely to go.
I think once you are out you will enjoy it and find you have enough energy. It's just getting energised and motivated to leave. It's hard in winter when it is so dark and cold.

Just saw you have a PA. Part of their job is to be the guard dog over your diary. Someone books something in? they challenge it. Asks for papers, and agenda and if it’s not a priority, they shunt it to next week. Declines anything that goes into your ‘keep free’ time as a point of principle. Your PA is there to enable you to do your job more efficiently, not to make other people’s working lives at the expense of yours.

If not, she’s not performing the way you need her to and it needs addressing. A good PA is worth their weight in gold but I’ve also had those where they actively made my job more difficult because they hated to disappoint people.

In a senior leadership role there is always, always more work. The trick is to filter it into the things that really need doing now, what can be delegated with check in points, and how to make the most of the people around you - both in how you can support them to do their jobs, but also how they’re able to support you in doing yours.

Some tips I can recommend. Get your PA to block out half an hour for lunch. Senior managers in our organisation do this and it just becomes the norm as everyone realises they work long hrs and can’t work through without any kind of break. When you or your PA receive an invite ask if a meeting needs to be an hour or could it be 45 mins. I frequently ask people this to shave 15 mins off and create short diary breaks. Start and finish half an hour earlier each day. Aim to work 8-6 rather than 7.30 to 7 and force yourself to shut the laptop. You need to commit to this and actually want to do it. It is possible. 8-6 s still a long day. Good luck

I have absolutely been there!

You basic problem - as you know - is your hours are way too long, I am fairly impressed you have the energy for Netflix. I am sure you also know this, but you do need to get a grip or you will burn out/get ill if you don’t.

If it’s a new role of course you cannot slam your foot down tomorrow morning, but you need a strategy to reduce quite sharply over 3 months.
If you aren’t great at this (I’m not) I’d really consider getting a coach to help you. They can also help you dig in to what’s core work, what’s busy work, what’s politics etc.

But as a start, you need to lock that diary. Fake meetings as PP suggests are a great idea, but anyway if you are in a senior role you should absolutely not have a diary anyone can book into.

Your PA is shit. She needs to be ruthless with your calendar and force you to clear your diary from non-value meetings.
You two need to have a Monday morning and Friday afternoon sessions to plan diary ahead.
Book lunch time, thinking time, admin etc so that no one can take the slots.
Keep pruning - urgent is not the same as important.
You can’t be as strategic and effective if you are meeting hopping so much.

We just had a chat about this at work today, and it's internal stakeholders that are the worst for sticking in back to backs. We now got a protocol coming in that all internal meetings must be at xx. And finish on the hour or before so at least you can go for a wee, have a stretch, grab a drink.

I'm also blocking out an hour in my diary every day and showing as ooo so I can actually get a break and go for a walk.

That didn't make much sense did it! All internal meetings are scheduled at ten last the hour and need to finish on the hour, if not before...

You need to get your PA to block off two whole days every week (presumably the weekend) and all meetings go through them.

You will get burn out if you carry on like this. Eat well, take vitamins, exercise and take lunch breaks and delegate!

You work too hard, you need to set some boundaries. Take some time off, reassess and re evaluate and make changes.

Some good tips on here. I second creating ‘false’ meetings/ appointments to block out time.
If you are a manager then you’re partly responsible for the creation of the work culture at your organisation and you have an opportunity to model good practice here. I really, really respect my managers who take holidays, finish on time (ish), take lunch etc. I’m not sure how they do it…,.. that’s a different issue (sorry!)

The only thing you can change is your work. There is no point in booking stuff in for weekday evenings that are supposed to be fun, you will be too knackered to enjoy them and they will end up causing you more stress. You have to just be firm with your hours, 9 hours a day including an hour for lunch where you spend 30 minutes outside walking. What doesn’t get done gets pushed to the next day. You will soon learn how much you can do, and how much of your current workload should be delegated to others.

Is your job really worth you having no life? How long will you be able to sustain this mentally and physically?

You need at least 2 days off a week and you need to rethink your priorities.

If your current company can't give your a decent work-life balance, get a new job.

Nobody is going to be on their deathbed and look back thinking 'I wish I spent more time having meetings and doing spreadsheets'...

If you spend your day in meetings, I wonder whether you actually are doing anything productive at all....

why do you start so early? What time do you get up? No wonder you're tired if you working 11 hour days with no breaks. You either need to delegate more, say no more often or speak to your boss about workload/getting more support. (and if you are the boss, get more support).

But I am in a similar position and blocking out doesn't really work for me either, although I try. So I block out lunch every day - and make sure I go out for a dog walk then if it does remain meeting free. I leave my phone at home when I do that.

I mark Fridays as meeting free. (and told everyone this is what I was doing). People then ask before they put meetings in on Friday - and actually most Fridays I am (mostly) meeting free.

I also find it helpful to demarcate work and the evening by doing some exercise. This gives me some energy as well as making me step away from the desk.

And what's to stop you going out? I find I am energised by going out, even if I feel really tired before then.