Life passing me by every evening

[Hottubtimemachine]

I work long hours, mainly from home, in a stressful job but one that I generally enjoy. I’m well paid.
However, I am wasting my life away as I’m so exhausted every evening I can barely move off the sofa.
I finish work around 6/7 (start 7.30am), sometimes I carry on even later with my laptop on the sofa. All I have the energy for is a glass of wine and netflix.
What a waste. I see people going to the theatre, the gym, out with friends. How do I break this cycle? I have one day off a week and I crash and barely get out of bed.
So far..I’ve created a separate office I can shut the door on each evening and have knocked the wine on the head in the hope of more energy. I need to look at my working day so it doesn’t leave me so drained (for example there wasn’t a single break in my diary today from meetings from 8am- 5pm and then there’s all the actual work to do after that!)
AIBU to want to have a life in the evening? How do I change things and break this cycle? Any tips?

@Hottubtimemachine

Thank you for the replies. My top 3 things are walking, being outdoors and seeing friends. I do them rarely. My diet is awful. I would like to have the time and energy to change this. I have a PA but also other people can book into my diary, there’s no consideration for the fact I need a break or to do actual work. Blocked off time just gets booked in to. I need to have another conversation don’t I…! I work long hours for all of the reasons you suggest *@YoBeaches*. It’s a senior leadership role so the work never ends and I’m working on having the right team around me (I’m new). I’m probably also a bit inefficient at times I think.

Are you thinking like a senior leader, or are you doing all the transactional work too because you are new?

I was in your position 18 months ago and it was terrible for my health. I got an second in command so suddenly got 32 hours a week back (her working hours).

You clearly have too much to do. If you are struggling with a business case you need to get those who have the ear of the budget holder on side. In my case I knew the CEO ran everything past the People Leader so I explained my issues to her and she got me the budget.

I work similar and longer hours very frequently. I still go and do all of my usual things, meeting friends, singing in a choir, seeing my family, running, eating out. I find if it's organised I just go and do, and don't think about it. If I stopped to think I would probably just decide to curl up on the sofa every night. I find I have more energy when I keep going. Don't get me wrong, I do have evenings where I just lie on the sofa with a glass of wine, but not every day. I eat well and have a set bed time routine.

Get a different job with fewer hours. You need time

I work one rung below senior management.

I think the suggestion you block your diary to everyone except you and your PA is a good start, and agreed on declining keep free time.

You definitely need to have two meeting free days a week at the very minimum, and I wouldn't be working on them even for non meetings as a standard. I would say I end up having actual meetings maybe 5 weekends per year and then working another 2, but usually only one day of those.

Can you set meeting hours to e.g. 9-4 so you can work 7;30-9 and 4-5:30? Then you'd have 3 full hours a day of meeting free time and hopefully a more sane finishing time?

If you're SMT do you have any capacity to delegate more - sometimes a good PA can be an excellent filter? If you have to be reviewing things but not writing things can you put the reviews in as meetings so you're not trying to do it outside working hours? Also worth thinking if you can have a second screen to enable you to get through basic stuff while meetings are ongoing if you need to be there but it doesn't need your full attention?

@Hottubtimemachine

Thank you for the replies. My top 3 things are walking, being outdoors and seeing friends. I do them rarely. My diet is awful. I would like to have the time and energy to change this. I have a PA but also other people can book into my diary, there’s no consideration for the fact I need a break or to do actual work. Blocked off time just gets booked in to. I need to have another conversation don’t I…! I work long hours for all of the reasons you suggest *@YoBeaches*. It’s a senior leadership role so the work never ends and I’m working on having the right team around me (I’m new). I’m probably also a bit inefficient at times I think.

is it a standard thing that people can book things into your diary without your agreement? I had that facility turned off on my diary, people could view but not book. What precisely is your PA doing? I get that senior management sometimes can't expect to keep regular hours, but it sounds to me as though you are partially doing this to yourself? How many more hours are you working than you are being paid for?

You need to learn to deligate more.

You need a new job one that gives you work life balance, the penny dropped for me at recent funeral, they talked about how hard he worked, early mornings late evenings…..he had since but retired early but also died far to young but where were his previous colleagues? Where were his customers he worked so hard to take care of? Work to live, make those connections with the people who actually matter

Sounds awful! 12-13 hours a day, 6 days a week. Hideous. Not good for anyone. That's twice the amount of hours that a normal full time job is for most people. Crazy. Your company clearly doesn't understand the amount of work required for your roll. You're doing the work of 2 people. They're taking the pis$. No way are you inefficient enough to stretch 37.5 hours a week (normal full time) to double that.
Sounds like you really need to look at your work seriously.

if your diets awful you can start there you dont need to cook or anything, just eat more fruit and nuts that'll help with energy

I'm an academic and work similarly. I tend to put the DC to bed and get back to work in the evenings. Then flop out for about 10 mins and then go to bed. It's not a great life but there is little I can do about it bar quitting.

My DH has the meeting problem so I started sending him calendar invites for 45- 60 minutes per day. It helps that nobody has full access to who has sent them (it shows as external) but I vary the times so he has some time to get on top of work or have a break without people assuming he's booking in his own lunch break. His boss knows about it and thought it was a genius idea so has had his wife do the same.

One thing to think about is the salary of people more junior to you. It sounds like you're doing two full time jobs. Are you actually receiving twice what they do? I'd guess not.

Every PA I've ever known has been pretty good at guarding time for the boss. They write stuff like "DO NOT BOOK" and then decline immediately if anyone tries to, in a way I've never dare to if it was my own calendar. Set your boundaries with your PA and get them to manage your diary. You need focus time in your diary or you'll be less productive, not more.

You need to learn to work 9-5, with a lunch break and two days off.
You are replaceable at work, but your life isn’t.

It sounds like you have allowed your job to become your life.

Do you have a Partner or children?

Is it in your contract you have to work excessive hours?

Your PA needs to monitor your diary for breaks and maybe end your working day at 5.30pm?

Don’t start so early and create boundaries.

Work generally fills the time available.

Why do you have a day off? Just get paid 20% more and work on the 5th day? It’s not like you’re using for anything other than recovering from doing a full time job in 4 days.

Put things just as dinners/exercise classes in your diary.

Sounds like you need to delegate and tell your boss you have too much.

Agree with everyone saying your PA needs to get on top of your diary - give her permission to say no

Block out at least 30 mins for lunch and if you can’t get out, you could try downloading a 10 min yoga or relaxation session to your phone.

If you can afford it get those fresh meals delivered that you can assemble quickly like Hello Fresh

Only you can take control of this and you need to give yourself permission to do it

You could be me! Work is mentally exhausting and with working from home I rarely leave the house during the week. I make my evening meal at around seven then answer some emails, watch tv and then bed. If it’s any comfort most people in her senior roles in my work have similar routines - don’t feel guilty for being tired after 10-12 hours of frantic work!

I do try a make the most of weekends - always see friends or family - leats for our fur a ping walk and treat myself.

Tonight I haven’t watched tv but started a book in bed which feels like a better use of the evening.

It will get easier on the summer evenings.

Sorry lots of typos there but you get the gist hopefully

Your PA is not doing their job. You as a senior leader with a PA should not be a position of having back to back meetings with no break and no actual work time.

If you are new it could be people feel everything needs to be ran past you.

Do meetings have actual agendas with them?

It's your PA job to manage your diary. Switch of the ability to book into your calendar. Anything that is not critical is declined in your actual admin, break, lunch and working time. Any regular meetings should be reassessed to see are they needed as frequently and for as long. One of the biggest drain on companies time and resources are unnecessary meetings. Make it one of your priorities to create efficiencies in saving both.

If blocked off time is being booked into, I’d ignore that meeting.
If someone is asking why, point out there was a reason why it was blocked off.

You need to draw boundaries for your own sake there.

I have 4 kids and work ft and when they go to bed and anything that needs to be done is done I'm straight to bed. This has only started since I started back work. I probably can't help you in terms of turning you into one of your friends that goes to theatre etc but I would recommend you grab a book and switch on some of your favourite music and alternate that with watching tv being on the internet etc, I weirdly find it feels then like I was somehow productive (it sounds really silly but just in case)

Right - no-one and I mean No-ONE needs to be in meetings all day everyday. It’s counterproductive. You need time between calls and meetings to action stuff that has come up in those meetings. And if you don’t have anything that needs doing from them then you shouldn’t be in them in the first place probably!

You need to block out time in your diary to 1) do some actual work
2)
Give yourself an hour or more if you can in the middle of the day to get out of the hse. Go for a walk, run, swim, whatever. Esp if you’re working evenings.

I don’t know what email/calendar you’re using but ours allows others to see if we’re free or not - so no one should be booking you for a meeting when you aren’t free.
You need to make it clear that you just won’t accept those meetings and get your PA to do his/her job properly! You’ve created an expectation that you will attend everything - that needs to be addressed.

Give yourself an hour in the mornings to catch up on emails. Pick a day when you stop at 5pm -
Doesn’t have to be the same day every week but pick one.
That being said - having a regular class, night out, plan for a day a week is a good excuse to stop.
I go to play a sport 6pm every Monday. So Mondays I shut my laptop down at 5.30 -
My colleagues know this, my assistant knows this.
On Weds I go for a run with a friend 7am for an hour or so. Usually online by 8.30am,
Sometimes 9am. So I make myself unavailable those mornings before 9am. ( unless it’s an actual emergency which rarely happens)

You need to take control. But most importantly GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Can’t emphasis that enough. Every day. Every single day.
And maybe think about a standing desk? Or one of those mini desks that turn yours into a standing desk.

Been there, seen it, got the T Shirt

To paraphrase my doctor when she gave me the shot across the bow

“What part of death, through stress and over work, do we not understand”

Light bulb moment and now do my contracted hours as don’t get paid overtime and I go home

Works for me 👍👍

Love the general assumption the PA must be female!

But seriously, beyond all the excellent work advice here, OP, I can see no reason why you don’t have the time to set up a weekly veg box. All you have to do is sign up - the provider will do the rest. And once the food is in your house, demanding to be eaten, you’ll feel less and less inclined to eat crap. Particularly when you notice the improvement in your skin and sense of well-being.

My most demanding boss ever told me that only I can control my work life balance so I needed to draw the line on time/ accessibility/ delegation etc

I designed a week which has some short days and then two really long days and my husband has the same and we keep our weekends free.