Life passing me by every evening

[Hottubtimemachine]

I work long hours, mainly from home, in a stressful job but one that I generally enjoy. I’m well paid.
However, I am wasting my life away as I’m so exhausted every evening I can barely move off the sofa.
I finish work around 6/7 (start 7.30am), sometimes I carry on even later with my laptop on the sofa. All I have the energy for is a glass of wine and netflix.
What a waste. I see people going to the theatre, the gym, out with friends. How do I break this cycle? I have one day off a week and I crash and barely get out of bed.
So far..I’ve created a separate office I can shut the door on each evening and have knocked the wine on the head in the hope of more energy. I need to look at my working day so it doesn’t leave me so drained (for example there wasn’t a single break in my diary today from meetings from 8am- 5pm and then there’s all the actual work to do after that!)
AIBU to want to have a life in the evening? How do I change things and break this cycle? Any tips?

None of us lives forever, this is how you're choosing to spend your life. Will the memories of this phase of your life be rewarding to look back on? Is want with to be immensely satisfying to justify it eclipsing everything else.

You will burn out like this. Take the tips on here about delegating and protecting your time.

You could also introduce simple goals to improve your health - five minute walk before you start. Five minutes of stretching at midday. Drink six glasses of water through the day. Five minute walk before you collapse onto the sofa. Eat some fruit, raw carrots, nuts etc through the day.

The sad truth is, if you can't buy back your health. If you burn out, your employer won't be eternally grateful, they'll just move on to the next person.

As a senior leader you are setting a poor example with your presenteeism! You’re setting an expectation of long hours, attending endless meetings, and I’m willing to bet that half of the meetings are set up by people
Around you who think that’s what YOU want them to do.
My current BIG boss has a footer on her emails saying that she’s working flexible hours so she may send emails outside of ‘normal’ working hours ( 9-5 basically) and that there is no expectation that anyone reply to her until they’re in their own working hours.
So basically, she doesn’t want anyone checking emails all evening long and replying. She’s also asked that meetings be held during core’ times of 10-4pm only where possible ( time zones allowing)
and for internal meetings to last no more than 45 mins.
Now, that might make her sound like she’s workshy but she is one of the most brilliant, hardworking, practical, successful managers I’ve ever met. And our department is absolutely flying because we actually have time to do what we need to do, and we aren’t all bogged down in endless bloody Teams Meetings that aren’t actually that helpful to us.
You want to be a good leader - free your people, and yourself up a little.

@Hottubtimemachine

Thank you for the replies. My top 3 things are walking, being outdoors and seeing friends. I do them rarely. My diet is awful. I would like to have the time and energy to change this. I have a PA but also other people can book into my diary, there’s no consideration for the fact I need a break or to do actual work. Blocked off time just gets booked in to. I need to have another conversation don’t I…! I work long hours for all of the reasons you suggest *@YoBeaches*. It’s a senior leadership role so the work never ends and I’m working on having the right team around me (I’m new). I’m probably also a bit inefficient at times I think.

I left my job that was like that. I now work 4 days a week in my own business, swim weekly, walk my dog twice a day and earn 50% less. My migraines have gone, I sleep really well and cook nice things. Life is for living. Whats stopping you???

I’m a PA and you sound like the bosses I manage diaries for OP. I’m willing to haze a guess that you work in banking/finances.

You need your PA to be more efficient for you- to give them permission to push back on your behalf. Give them steer on what is considered priority - usually whoever is higher in the hierarchy of your position is allowed to overrule your blocked out time, under you needs to wait unless you specify it’s urgent.

A good PA relationship will change things for you. Being authoritative with your diary is your responsibility. Put hard blocks in weds evenings are your social midweeks to go to the gym or on that walk, you don’t work past 6:30 on a Friday etc. You won’t always win them but reinforcing them will get others to get to know your non-negotiable time for your life.

My bosses are as full on as you and it’s only because I control and have the steer of their diary that they get out of this situation. You can’t change your diary to strip back to easy going but it’s down to you to command that you have a balance and now to reinforce it. If you’re in a respectful company then they will encourage this ( they do at my work place) if you’re not or you’re so high up the chain that you are compensated by a vast salary, perks and job security and your job is taking you on a satisfying journey - which it doesn’t sound like it is, then you need to ask yourself how long you’re willing to accept this lift style choice or make amends to change it.

My DP spent too many years like this, albeit at the office and with travel thrown in, before finally realising that the job was never going to love her back. Her biggest regret was missing so much of our kids early years because of work - you can’t ever get that file back. Ever.
Now we have more balance,
and health and family are really the only things that matter when it comes down to it.

Speak to your employer about taking on new staff/an assistant?
Review your workstack, estimate effort needed and identify priorities to provide employer basis for above.

Go through your diary and really ask if you are needed at the meeting? Would being provided with an exec summary, key observations next steps and actions be sufficient?

Have meetings that are 15 mins/ 45 mins to allow you to use the remaining 15 mins to tie up whatever was agreed at the meeting.

Block out time for doing "the actual work"

There's great advice for your work life here. With regards to your diet, don't beat yourself up - it's hard to eat well when you are exhausted. But you also know that if you eat better, you will feel better. My initial advice would be slow cooked meals. Something you can pop in quickly like chilli or curry etc. And then freeze into portions. Initially you will have to spend 20 mins in the morning prepping the cooker. But then you have lots of portions to freeze etc. It's not easy but you will feel so so much better. Fruit is a good snack. Good luck.

Speak to your line manager about your workload. You'll burn out working hours like that.

If nothing can be done to reduce the hours then honestly I would look for another job. However much you are being paid, there is no money that anyone could give me to sacrifice my entire life to a job.

Do you have a partner, DC? How old are you?

Think about the impact on your mental and physical health, working like this. It could shorten your life.

I’ve worked as a PA. There’s no way I’d book in back to back meetings all day for someone unless they’ve specifically requested it. You need to sit down with your PA and discuss your expectations. A good PA will help you run your time management like clockwork and make sure you don’t burn out.

I could’ve written this last year (in fact, I think I did).

I started making small changes to my way of life, from fitting in exercise to eating proper food, scheduling in breaks, delegating more, being less of a people pleaser and setting boundaries.

I had had a similar chat with my doctor as PP who basically said I was killing myself for work. Problem was that I loved the job, but not the stress. She recommended seeing a therapist to help me put boundaries in place (lifesaver), a site aptly called anti burnout club for things like exercise and self care stuff, and also to have a proper conversation with my employer about what was going on. All three things have made monumental changes in my life. I started to feel like a different human by making these small changes a little bit at a time.

Don’t stress yourself out trying to fix it all at once OP, one small step at a time.

Not just a PA ... but an EA here
Your PA is not doing a good job here, but has she had direction from you.

I manage at c suite level. One of mine is happier to start 8.30-5.30 every day, bar one day where he has no meetings till after lunch. He does not take meetings after 4pm on a Friday... other than that he takes all meetings.

The other likes blocks and holds and if someone books in it's instantly declined. Rare is it to find someone putting an advocate meeting in that's that urgent without the directors prior knowledge. If you try it, it gets long grassed.

But you need to drive this. Be fair to them and commit to getting back the time and sticking too it. Remove repetitive meetings - are they all with the same people each week?1hr becomes 40mins, weekly becomes bi weekly etc etc. delegate some of these meetings.

Utilise work comms - slack/Skype/teams. If these meetings are sharing ideas and info put them in a channel where all can be reviewed. No one should be back to back for 12hours

That's adhoc meeting not advocate

OP, I honetsly think it's fine for week nights to descend into netflix and wine at least during winter months.

You need to focus on making the most of weekends and days off.

Book a fitness class on your day off - if your energy is low try yoga or pilates. If you think it could do with a kick start go for bootcamp or HIIT or running club. Pay in advance for a set of sessions or hire a PT who comes to your house.

Book theatre tickets or a gig once every two months. That's not too much to cope with but by the end of the year you'll have seen a handful of shows or favourite artists live. Day tickets to nearby music festivals are worth looking at too.

And in between times, just invite friends over. If you are too shattered to cook, suggest a lazy pub lunch and a stroll afterwards. Not every weekend, maybe once a month for now. The more you do this sort of thing, the more energy you find for it.

And also - take iron supplements and Vitamin D spray. Both massively help with fatigue.

I completely agree with all the other comments about your diary. Your PA should be the only person booking appointments for you and she should be managing it in a way that you aren't run ragged!

It sounds like you need some coaching on how to use your PA and she needs some coaching on how to actually do her job!!!

I don't have a particularly taxing job and I'm conked out in the evening too - just want to watch tv ad early night. Doesn't hugely bother me though.

12 hours a day, 6 days a week… 72 hours a week is A LOT! No wonder you have no life! Do you get paid for all those hours?

Do you enjoy the actual work?

I'm struggling with a similar situation and have found blocking out time can work but you have to be super strict and say NO.

Leave meetings on time if they are over running.
Don't let people eat into your only 10min break for "a quick word".

The worst culprits I find are those who have very free diaries and quite happily book yours back to back. I get agonising back pain if I sit still in meetings for hours on end, but they don't care about this. Therefore I no longer care about annoying them by saying no!!

My friend started a new job and like you she found all her time just blocked with meetings. So between 12.30-1.15 she had a meeting every day, it was blocked on teams.

While she got into the right frame of mind, got to know the team for 45 minutes a day, she was either chatting to me, or my cat, I think one time I put on a tv programme for her to watch, it only lasted a wee while, but it was worth it for her to get a bit of break while she sorted her team and timetable out

@Hottubtimemachine

Thank you for the replies. My top 3 things are walking, being outdoors and seeing friends. I do them rarely. My diet is awful. I would like to have the time and energy to change this. I have a PA but also other people can book into my diary, there’s no consideration for the fact I need a break or to do actual work. Blocked off time just gets booked in to. I need to have another conversation don’t I…! I work long hours for all of the reasons you suggest *@YoBeaches*. It’s a senior leadership role so the work never ends and I’m working on having the right team around me (I’m new). I’m probably also a bit inefficient at times I think.

Can you put in your own made up meetings with Mr Dejeuner (40 mins for lunch) and Ms Ineeda15mincoffeebreak - probably chose less obvious made up names! - or specifically labelled planning time so they do not get filled in like they have been? 30 minute resource planning - that kind of thing -

Or (more straightforwardly) Tell your PA she needs to put in breaks and that she cannot just fill them in without checking with you. Agree specific times.

And get away from your desk at those times.

Go out for a walk - I find I have better thoughts when walking than just sitting if I'm planning a new course / project for example

You do need and deserve breaks!

Where did the OP say she works 6 days a week? I read that as being she has one day off, ie she works 4 days a week. Can you clarify, OP?

Also the people saying - get another job - really unhelpful. The OP has said she’s in a new job so she’s clearly finding her feet, enjoys it and is well paid. She’s doing the right thing by asking for advice to address her balance and workload before it gets too much. She presumably has bills to pay and possibly a family to support so telling her to quit is not helpful.

There are 7 days in a week so one day off is 6 days surely?

Get your iron levels checked. Lack of iron makes you too tired to do anything.

@Snoopsnoggysnog

Where did the OP say she works 6 days a week? I read that as being she has one day off, ie she works 4 days a week. Can you clarify, OP?

Also the people saying - get another job - really unhelpful. The OP has said she’s in a new job so she’s clearly finding her feet, enjoys it and is well paid. She’s doing the right thing by asking for advice to address her balance and workload before it gets too much. She presumably has bills to pay and possibly a family to support so telling her to quit is not helpful.

I have one day off a week...

One day off a week so she works six days.

I have a PA but also other people can book into my diary, there’s no consideration for the fact I need a break or to do actual work. Blocked off time just gets booked in to. I need to have another conversation don’t I…!

No one other than you and your PA should have permission to put anything in your diary. Get your permissions altered. That will be a start.

I don't understand why you only have one day off a week? Agree with everyone else to block out times in your diary. I block out an hour each day for 'admin catch up do not book' for example. Cant you do more of this? Also do you personally have to attend every single meeting? Can't you just skim read the minutes of the less important ones?