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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that cookware is a shit present

88 replies

Shitandhills · 18/01/2022 10:16

37 weeks pregnant, really not enjoyed the whole thing and feeling crap. Partner got me two frying pans, a baking sheet and a bread knife for my birthday. If he was just clueless it wouldn't be so bad but two weeks ago I sent him a list of ideas including a pretty salad bowl and servers, massage/facial, lovely bottle of wine to drink after baby arrives, interesting chutneys, promise to buy me flowers once a month, a fresh fruit tart. But no. Cookware. Direct replacements of the stuff we have that are a bit knackered. No card. Hadn't booked the pub and it was shut when we arrived for lunch. Had to ask him to cook the dinner I'd planned myself (he actually said 'are you sure you can be bothered to cook, you look like you need a nap'), and he hadn't got any pudding in or a cake. Feeling hurt and fucked off. He had made a special trip to the kitchen shop to get them and they're good quality, but it's just so lacking in thought :( We're comfortably off so money wasn't an issue here.

Maybe I'm just being hormonal and over sensitive :(

OP posts:
heathspeedwell · 18/01/2022 10:19

Sounds rubbish, but happy birthday from me and go and buy yourself something lovely!

RedCandyApple · 18/01/2022 10:19

Yes from a partner,
Wouldn’t mind it if it was my mum or someone but partner should know better

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/01/2022 10:21

Yeah that’s not a present, that’s just something the household needs.

Do you think it was the salad bowl suggestion that made him think this was OK?

Presumably- and you should leave him in no doubt- he will use the pans as much as you will.

Suprima · 18/01/2022 10:21

Those are shit presents and scream Amazon specials or picked up at the supermarket homeware sections.

Seemingly, buying some nice gifts for the pregnant woman he apparently loves is too much effort.

Have you previously been ‘low maintenance’ about birthdays? ‘Oh don’t buy me anything’ ‘let’s just go away for the weekend’ ‘it’s ok if you are bad at presents ha ha’. I know you may feel like you have reached a point in your relationship where you want a bit of fuss- being pregnant, being together a long time…however, if you expect or ask for low effort- it is impossible to change this even though your relationship has reached a ‘higher level’ in your eyes.

If he has previously been a bit shit at gifts and organising dates and activities- unfortunately you being pregnant won’t change things. If he was like this and you decided to have a baby with him, he’s going to continue as he was, as your relationship as progressed despite this.

user33323 · 18/01/2022 10:22

From a partner it is never acceptable. That is a present for the house, not you. From other people it's fine (if it's what you want/need). Tell him how you feel, don't let it stew.

TheSpottedZebra · 18/01/2022 10:24

Tbh there isn't THAT much difference between baking trays and salad serving bits, so I can see his train of thought.

However the rest is totally shit. Especially the no card, no cake no pudding. So of course YANBU in the slightest.

Happy birthday. And here is a picture of a cake for you Cake Grin

SamMil · 18/01/2022 10:26

The cookware I could forgive, but no cake?!

I think you need to designate a second birthday and make sure he does better next time!

grey12 · 18/01/2022 10:27

Those kind of presents are fantastic if they are wanted. I would love if my DH gave me a Roomba as a present Wink

I'm sorry you had such a terrible bday Sad get yourself a nice treat! A whole cake for yourself? A facial? (I was refused a massage when pregnant, it depends on the place)

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/01/2022 10:28

Id be livid. He'd be wearing the saucepans as headphones.
Give him a hard time and let him know exactly how pissed off you are.

MintyGreenDream · 18/01/2022 10:29

Dh wouldnt dare.That is a thoughless present and yanbu

Enough4me · 18/01/2022 10:30

He did get you gifts and the mention of salad may have made him think kitchen things, so I would try not to be too negative. Perhaps you could talk about how you were hoping for a pamper day, nice meal next weekend. You get the bakeware and he can set up another nice day/meal?

phishy · 18/01/2022 10:31

Tell him to take it back!

Georgeskitchen · 18/01/2022 10:31

At least he's trying!! I never got a bean from exh

Dixiechickonhols · 18/01/2022 10:33

I like cookware but the rest sounds crap. You are one organising everything and if you don’t nothing gets done or done right eg no lunch. Be very alert to this with the baby there or you’ll be the one sorting everything.
It’s not unreasonable to want a cake and card in your birthday. He’s your boyfriend he should make the effort.
I’d tell him how you felt. You say ok for money but could he be worried about it or providing now a baby is coming. Time for a chat.

TroysMammy · 18/01/2022 10:34

It was my birthday yesterday and my partner bought me a griddle pan, and other things. I was delighted because I've been hating and cursing my old one for ages because it always sets off the smoke alarm.

PattyPan · 18/01/2022 10:34

I don’t think it’s unreasonable since you asked for a salad bowl and servers which are also essentially cookware! As you say that your existing ones are knackered, maybe he thought that it would make your life easier to have new ones. I also don’t really see the point of cards for someone you live with.
But screwing up the pub lunch and not getting a cake is rubbish and I would be annoyed about those.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 18/01/2022 10:36

@grey12
' I would love if my DH gave me a Roomba as a present'

Is that a euphemism? Blush

Original poster
Shitandhills · 18/01/2022 10:37

@suprima he's been pretty good in the past! E.g. prints of a quite specific subject matter I'm into, some really gorgeous cake tins in patterns he knew I'd love etc. He also knows that this whole thing is quite important to me because I was upset to receive a shitty packaway shopping bag from his mum at Christmas while he got all sorts of stuff. Turns out it was a miscommunication and the actual present was a stint of babysitting, but he knew I was hurt before that was resolved. To clarify, it's not about the present itself, we're in a very fortunate position, but about the lack of thought, effort and care, which I guess is heightened because I've been feeling so crap :(

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 18/01/2022 10:40

And they say romance is dead. Confused Has he bothered to try to make you feel a bit special on previous birthdays?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 18/01/2022 10:40

I love cooking and have frequently wanted cookware as a present. But if someone got me a frying pan and a bread-knife for my birthday when I hadn't asked for them/indicated I wanted them, I'd be tempted to put them to an entirely unculinary use.

irishfarmer · 18/01/2022 10:40

I had to laugh a small bit sorry, it's my birthday today too and I'm also pregnant. I asked my DH for cookware! It's a pricey set and I've wanted it for ages.

But no that's pretty shite from your partner if you didn't ask for it and sent him a list of things you would like. I would be telling him straight. I had this a few years ago before we got married and told him straight he needs to do x,y and z. Nothing to extravagant but on my birthday I want a card, cake and flowers other presents are decided yearly. Maybe it is being fussy/ precious but I was upset if he didn't make an effort so I spelt it out.

Tell him exactly how you feel and that he can use the new frying pans for the rest of the week to make you lovely dinners! Also that you do want that wine for after the baby is born!

Sceptre86 · 18/01/2022 10:40

The thing is if he's always been like this and you decided to have a baby with him then yabu to expect better. In that scenario you should have set your standards higher in the first place and he is unlikely to change as there is no need to.

if this is new behaviour, nip it in the bud now. Take to him instead of us and explain that the lack of effort was upsetting and at the very least you expect, cake and a meal out or cooked by him and a present off of your suggested list.

irishfarmer · 18/01/2022 10:41

Also Happy Birthday :)

EishetChayil · 18/01/2022 10:42

I would personally love it!

Dogscanteatonions · 18/01/2022 10:43

Fucking hell yes I would be pissed off - cookware is a present for the house not a person unless you specifically ask for something. And by the way a pretty salad bowl is fucking nothing like baking trays!! Hmm

I'd tell him these 'presents' are simply things the house needs and should come out of the general budget. They are in no way shape or form a treat for you. He doesn't even have the excuse that he didn't know what to get as you gave him a bloody list.

If he doesn't get it all him if he would like get a towel bale for his birthday or some new fitted sheets..

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