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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that cookware is a shit present

88 replies

Shitandhills · 18/01/2022 10:16

37 weeks pregnant, really not enjoyed the whole thing and feeling crap. Partner got me two frying pans, a baking sheet and a bread knife for my birthday. If he was just clueless it wouldn't be so bad but two weeks ago I sent him a list of ideas including a pretty salad bowl and servers, massage/facial, lovely bottle of wine to drink after baby arrives, interesting chutneys, promise to buy me flowers once a month, a fresh fruit tart. But no. Cookware. Direct replacements of the stuff we have that are a bit knackered. No card. Hadn't booked the pub and it was shut when we arrived for lunch. Had to ask him to cook the dinner I'd planned myself (he actually said 'are you sure you can be bothered to cook, you look like you need a nap'), and he hadn't got any pudding in or a cake. Feeling hurt and fucked off. He had made a special trip to the kitchen shop to get them and they're good quality, but it's just so lacking in thought :( We're comfortably off so money wasn't an issue here.

Maybe I'm just being hormonal and over sensitive :(

OP posts:
OverByYer · 18/01/2022 10:44

You did ask him for a salad bowl and chutney though, so I can see his train of thought.
I do sympathise, my husband bought me cutlery one Christmas. He is spectacularly crap at buying presents. I just buy my own now.

Original poster
Shitandhills · 18/01/2022 10:44

Yes I can see how the salad bowl might have confused things, but I suppose in my head i had covered that base by talking about how I wanted it to be really pretty because I hate the ugly bamboo one I have to use when friends come over. Can see how that might have gone over his head - to me there is an obvious distinction in thought and care between a pretty salad bowl you have to make an effort to find and consider, and a direct replacement for a frying pan (same brand and everything!) Also, he had been talking about frying pans and asking me what I looked for in a pan and I had specifically said 'I don't want frying pans for my birthday though' and sent him the list the next day (well over a week before he bought the pans). He claims he must have misunderstood.

OP posts:
grey12 · 18/01/2022 10:46

[quote TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]@grey12
' I would love if my DH gave me a Roomba as a present'

Is that a euphemism? Blush[/quote]
Grin honestly a real one would be great! I HATE vaccuming! Angry is there a roomba that cleans the floor after it vaccums as well?

sanbeiji · 18/01/2022 10:48

Jesus the bar’s ankle high.
He has NO excuse for fucking up. None. He has the money, he had a list. What more does he want?

Tell him off and he’s better make good within 5 days

GrumpyPanda · 18/01/2022 10:49

Get him a roll of toilet paper all wrapped up nicely for his birthday Wink.

Although his mother sounds just as bad. How come babysitting isn't a present for both of you?

Zombiemum1946 · 18/01/2022 10:50

If he's normally very good, a gentle chat may be useful.

sanbeiji · 18/01/2022 10:51

Also OP it’s very disrespectful to go and buy something else after you went to all the trouble of making a list.
I don’t know why people are saying ‘well his train of thought’ it doesn’t matter what he thought. He had a list follow it

IntermittentParps · 18/01/2022 10:51

@PattyPan

I don’t think it’s unreasonable since you asked for a salad bowl and servers which are also essentially cookware! As you say that your existing ones are knackered, maybe he thought that it would make your life easier to have new ones. I also don’t really see the point of cards for someone you live with. But screwing up the pub lunch and not getting a cake is rubbish and I would be annoyed about those.
I really don't get the logic here. So what if they're 'essentially cookware'? The OP asked for specific things. And the rest of the stuff on her list is NOT cookware, so a tiny bit of applied common sense would suggest that pots and pans were not what she wanted. Have you asked him, OP, what happened to your list?
heyitsthistle · 18/01/2022 10:51

Oh dear, I've given my DH pots, pans and knives as his main present for the past two birthdays and Christmas. They are bloody fancy though and he loves them.

That said, YANBU. It is pretty disappointing as you specifically asked for things other than cookware! You should steal his card and buy yourself a nice bottle case of wine and a flower subscription. Happy birthday to you!

PandorasMailbox · 18/01/2022 10:53

A friend got me a cordless drill for my birthday, and I was thrilled as I really wanted one. But if it had come from a partner I would've been seriously pissed off.

toastofthetown · 18/01/2022 10:56

Any kind of utility gift really depends on what recipient thinks would be a treat. For a general rule it has to be for something which they enjoy and either make that process better/easier or upgrade something they already have. If someone loves bread making, makes it regularly but has been struggling with an old, blunt bread knife then then a high end bread knife might be a good gift. For me (and you) it would miss the mark.

Ponoka7 · 18/01/2022 10:56

Brave, Brave man, that hands his heavily pregnant wife a bread knife for her birthday. That's what I'd have said.

PinkArt · 18/01/2022 11:00

while he got all sorts of stuff. Turns out it was a miscommunication and the actual present was a stint of babysitting
Why do you got a shit bag and babysitting your child and he get nice gifts AND babysitting his child? The babysitting benefits you both equally, doesn't it? Between that & the house gifts, I'd keep an eye on the role you might be being nudged into in your partner and MILs eyes.

irishfarmer · 18/01/2022 11:03

If you specifically told him "do not get me a frying pan for my birthday" I would be super annoyed!!! Yes tell him you are not happy and he can go again. The frying pans are for both of you. Tell him it's making you feel crappy and that you would like him to fix it by getting you something thoughtful.

And yes, why was your Christmas present from your MIL babysitting for you and not him! That would annoy me

thepastisanothercountry · 18/01/2022 11:09

Buy him an nice dustpan and brush and a new chopping board for his birthday - see what he says :)

Suprima · 18/01/2022 11:12

[quote Shitandhills]@suprima he's been pretty good in the past! E.g. prints of a quite specific subject matter I'm into, some really gorgeous cake tins in patterns he knew I'd love etc. He also knows that this whole thing is quite important to me because I was upset to receive a shitty packaway shopping bag from his mum at Christmas while he got all sorts of stuff. Turns out it was a miscommunication and the actual present was a stint of babysitting, but he knew I was hurt before that was resolved. To clarify, it's not about the present itself, we're in a very fortunate position, but about the lack of thought, effort and care, which I guess is heightened because I've been feeling so crap :([/quote]
Good to hear he has been good at sorting out stuff in the past..

But does he organise your dates?
Book your holidays?
Sort out things for you to do?

Or would you usually book the meal, and get the pudding in for your birthday if you weren’t feeling so dire?

Your MIL’s present is shit too despite the ‘miscommunication’. Babysitting for you?!? Excuse me? It’s his child as well? Here you are, have a shitty shopping bag and I’ll look after your baby whilst you go out and buy food to cook my son!

Suprima · 18/01/2022 11:14

@Shitandhills

Yes I can see how the salad bowl might have confused things, but I suppose in my head i had covered that base by talking about how I wanted it to be really pretty because I hate the ugly bamboo one I have to use when friends come over. Can see how that might have gone over his head - to me there is an obvious distinction in thought and care between a pretty salad bowl you have to make an effort to find and consider, and a direct replacement for a frying pan (same brand and everything!) Also, he had been talking about frying pans and asking me what I looked for in a pan and I had specifically said 'I don't want frying pans for my birthday though' and sent him the list the next day (well over a week before he bought the pans). He claims he must have misunderstood.
Just saw this- no he didn’t misunderstand, he wasn’t listening and didn’t really care because pans are widely available on Amazon

I literally don’t know how you go from lovely serving bowl to frying pan but a lot of posters standards are on the floor as usual when it comes to the men we love doing nice things for us.

Thegoodandbadlife · 18/01/2022 11:18

In this case it is a great present. I have had cookware many a times but that is because I have asked for it and means I am in a position to get cookware I wouldn’t by myself everyday such as Zwilling knifes and Le Creuset. However, these aren’t replacement items but nice upgrades as I love cooking but if someone bought me cookware as a present to replace old stuff I would be really upset too especially if that was all I got. What I think makes it really upsetting is the fact that no effort was put in with making the day nice and you feel loved and appreciated. It takes two seconds to book a table online or say I’ll order your favourite takeaway and we can watch a movie of your choice whilst eating it or make it a romantic takeaway for two. It doesn’t have to be big but something to make you feel appreciated and loved. Also the present situation is upsetting as you have a list of suggestions and this was totally ignored - if money was an issue with the gifts they should have said can you think of a few other options that aren’t as much. Yes surprise gifts can be lovely for a birthday but they need to mean something to the recipient and show you care about them because time and thought and effort will have gone in which didn’t happen here! Sorry your birthday was rubbish for you.

Ninkanink · 18/01/2022 11:22

How on earth does/did the salad bowl muddle things?? If he got hung up on the salad bowl then why didn’t he just..uh...buy the bloody salad bowl & servers and you know, actually get his wife the things he knew she wanted and had asked for??

Thoughtless, and selfish too. He wanted those things, so he got them. Wasn’t about you and making you happy at all!

He couldn’t have misunderstood unless he’s very thick. Is he? Is that what he’s saying, that he’s too thick to have understood you perfectly well when you told him you did not want a frying pan for your birthday, and gave him specific suggestions of what you actually would have loved and appreciated?

As pp said, the bar is set so ridiculously low for men. I’d be embarrassed to be a man making myself out to be so absolutely thick, and I’d be embarrassed to be a woman making excuses for it too.

Flowers Happy Birthday. You have official permission from me (in case you have some mental, block about doing so) to buy the salad bowl and the servers!

Ninkanink · 18/01/2022 11:25

Sorry just realised you said partner. But my point still stands!

Goldbar · 18/01/2022 11:27

When is his birthday?

I would:

  1. put them in the loft and re-gift them back to him, and
  2. use the money you would have spent on his birthday present to buy yourself the things that you wanted.

Since cookware is a joint, household item, if it's supposedly a great gift for you, it will be a great gift for him too.

Aderyn21 · 18/01/2022 11:42

I think you need to have this out with him now. Or this is going to be your life going forward - a series of disappointments from a man who doesn't listen!

FilledSoda · 18/01/2022 11:46

The babysitting present is a bit shit . I'd be more likely to start a thread about that !

Enough4me · 18/01/2022 11:49

Definitely, his DM should have said babysitting was his present if anything, not yours!

PattyPan · 18/01/2022 11:53

I really don't get the logic here. So what if they're 'essentially cookware'? The OP asked for specific things. And the rest of the stuff on her list is NOT cookware, so a tiny bit of applied common sense would suggest that pots and pans were not what she wanted.
Have you asked him, OP, what happened to your list?

I mean, a salad bowl is roughly as exciting as a frying pan and you probably use a frying pan more often so he might have thought the pan might lead to a bigger overall increase in utility. He probably thought the list was suggestions of the kind of thing she would like rather than her saying she wanted those exact items.

So maybe better to be clearer on that next time i.e. saying these are the specific things that I want, rather than I don't want a frying pan? Verbally and in writing to be sure he can't misunderstand Grin