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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that cookware is a shit present

88 replies

Shitandhills · 18/01/2022 10:16

37 weeks pregnant, really not enjoyed the whole thing and feeling crap. Partner got me two frying pans, a baking sheet and a bread knife for my birthday. If he was just clueless it wouldn't be so bad but two weeks ago I sent him a list of ideas including a pretty salad bowl and servers, massage/facial, lovely bottle of wine to drink after baby arrives, interesting chutneys, promise to buy me flowers once a month, a fresh fruit tart. But no. Cookware. Direct replacements of the stuff we have that are a bit knackered. No card. Hadn't booked the pub and it was shut when we arrived for lunch. Had to ask him to cook the dinner I'd planned myself (he actually said 'are you sure you can be bothered to cook, you look like you need a nap'), and he hadn't got any pudding in or a cake. Feeling hurt and fucked off. He had made a special trip to the kitchen shop to get them and they're good quality, but it's just so lacking in thought :( We're comfortably off so money wasn't an issue here.

Maybe I'm just being hormonal and over sensitive :(

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 18/01/2022 11:57

@PattyPan

*I really don't get the logic here. So what if they're 'essentially cookware'? The OP asked for specific things. And the rest of the stuff on her list is NOT cookware, so a tiny bit of applied common sense would suggest that pots and pans were not what she wanted. Have you asked him, OP, what happened to your list?*

I mean, a salad bowl is roughly as exciting as a frying pan and you probably use a frying pan more often so he might have thought the pan might lead to a bigger overall increase in utility. He probably thought the list was suggestions of the kind of thing she would like rather than her saying she wanted those exact items.

So maybe better to be clearer on that next time i.e. saying these are the specific things that I want, rather than I don't want a frying pan? Verbally and in writing to be sure he can't misunderstand Grin

That's a real reach.

It's not for us to say which is more 'exciting' ie which the OP wanted more. Plus, she told him why she wanted a salad bowl. You'd have to do some active anti-listening/anti-comprehending to hear that and then think 'She's probably just suggesting something to do with food.'

MrsToothyBitch · 18/01/2022 11:59

Not a bad present per-se (if my relatives offered to buy me decent new pans as replacements, it would be v handy) but definitely a crap present from your partner when you've given him lots of other suggestions.

Similarly, can't fault his logic in taking the initiative and buying the items- just not as a present.

Original poster
Shitandhills · 18/01/2022 12:40

@PattyPan I specifically said I didn't want a frying pan and sent him a list the next day specifying what i would love to receive and why. Short of sending him links to specific items, which negates the whole point that I feel hurt at the lack of thought and effort, I'm not sure how much clearer I could have been.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shitandhills · 18/01/2022 12:45

Yeah the babysitting present was pretty wank. It turned out it was actually for both of us but there had been a miscommunication between mil and fil and he had bought for my partner without realising that and she had bought a token thing for me, but you can see why I was fucked off before that became clear. Partner knew I was upset about it and broached it with fil so he can't say that he thinks this kind of thing isn't important to me. Can't believe he ballsed up so badly a mere three weeks later :(

OP posts:
OnceUponAThread · 18/01/2022 12:46

I don't think cookware is a terrible present necessarily.

My DH has bought me nice Le Creuset bits in the past, which I adore and couldn't justify myself. Equally I got him a (stupidly expensive for what it was) fruit bowl that he'd admired in the local kitchen shop.

In fact, I consider cookware an excellent present if he's researched, got me something specific to things I like cooking, and got me super fancy versions we probably wouldn't usually justify on the house budget.

And they are for me, not the house. I have a real thing for fancy, posh, high quality cookware. I love it.

HOWEVER

In this instance your DH has been crap.

  1. they were exact replacements for things (no thought and not improvements)
  2. the existing things were worn, I.e. they would need to have been replaced out of household budget anyway. So not really a present for you.
  3. you explicitly said you didn't want pans for your birthday.
  4. you gave him a bloody list.

0/10 for effort. Send him out to try again.

ElftonWednesday · 18/01/2022 12:48

I love cookware, so per se cookware is not a shit present, but your husband had largely ignored what you had asked for, and that's what made it a rubbish present.

OnceUponAThread · 18/01/2022 12:56

@ElftonWednesday

I love cookware, so per se cookware is not a shit present, but your husband had largely ignored what you had asked for, and that's what made it a rubbish present.
Say what the person ahead of you said - but ten times more concisely and without all the waffle! 😂

Excellent TLDR for my nonsense. 😂😂

sanbeiji · 18/01/2022 14:18

You know what OP?
He may have made an effort in the past.
But he doesn’t see a need for that anymore… now that’s he’s tied you down, pregnant.

Please be very careful and don’t put up with nonsense. So many men change after having children

grey12 · 18/01/2022 14:39

@sanbeiji

You know what OP? He may have made an effort in the past. But he doesn’t see a need for that anymore… now that’s he’s tied you down, pregnant.

Please be very careful and don’t put up with nonsense. So many men change after having children

Unfortunately OP they msy have a point Sad is this something that you could have had a slight worry about happening?
PattyPan · 18/01/2022 14:49

[quote Shitandhills]@PattyPan I specifically said I didn't want a frying pan and sent him a list the next day specifying what i would love to receive and why. Short of sending him links to specific items, which negates the whole point that I feel hurt at the lack of thought and effort, I'm not sure how much clearer I could have been.[/quote]
Yes there's no excuse for the frying pan when you specifically said you didn't want one. You need to sit down with him and explain how you feel because he probably thinks that eg the bread knife was a thoughtful present, because it will make it easier for you to cut your bread so you're not hacking at it while looking after the baby. Do you normally do lists and has he done this before?

OneTimeThrowAway · 18/01/2022 15:05

You kicked off because someone got more Christmas presents than you?

Your birthday sounds shit, the effort that went into making it a special event would jar me. I'd personally love frying pans but I love and do all the cooking so know I'd use them a lot. If this is a recent change in behaviour then address it

Honeyroar · 18/01/2022 15:06

Omg I skim read the title and thought it said cock wear!!

NCforsafety · 18/01/2022 15:07

I bloody love cookware. And tupperware.

God I'm old.

OnceUponAThread · 18/01/2022 15:10

@Honeyroar

Omg I skim read the title and thought it said cock wear!!
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Dentistlakes · 18/01/2022 15:15

For some people it would be a great present if they were requested but they weren’t. You even gave him a list! He should have made an effort op and chose true lazy/shit way out.

Original poster
Shitandhills · 18/01/2022 15:21

@OneTimeThrowAway no I kicked off because I entertained the whole of his side of the family on Christmas eve and cooked a lovely lunch and three course evening meal etc and received a £3 shopping bag while he received a whole host of thoughtful gifts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shitandhills · 18/01/2022 15:25

@PattyPan he was excited about the knife because he's into his bread and actually commented after he gave it to me that cutting sourdough with our old rusty knife detracted from his enjoyment.

Re lists, previously I've definitely listed some things I would like, not sure I've ever sent anything in writing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shitandhills · 18/01/2022 15:29

@sanbeiji it's our second child. I have really been working hard to get him to do his 50% of house stuff and life admin recently, it's caused lots of arguments but I thought I was getting through to him. This just makes me feel so angry though - replacing the pans is something I would just do as basic house admin, it's just another sign of how this shit just doesn't feature in his consciousness despite me hammering it home that he needs to pull his weight.

OP posts:
Aderyn21 · 18/01/2022 15:36

He's basically bought himself what he values having and passed it off as your present. If his birthday is soon I suggest you buy him a pretty salad bowl!
This is really shit behaviour on his part.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 18/01/2022 15:38

If you already have the same frying pan, I'd tell him he either returns it or he'll be wearing it he does all the cooking from now on.

When's his birthday, OP?
I guess he'll need a nice new expensive hair dryer? Wink

MananaTomorrow · 18/01/2022 15:50

Seeing that he loves his bread and wanted the bread knife and also thought pans were the best idea, despite you telling him it was NOT a good idea, then I’d tell him you are delighted to learn that, for your birthday, he is now taking the responsibility to all the cooking as well as all the shopping (easier to do the shopping when you are the one cooking).

And then let him get in with it.

It would solve two issues. One he will have to step up re his part of the housework etc… and two you’ll get a nice present for yourself.

1forAll74 · 18/01/2022 15:50

The gifts sound good, and i would always appreciate any presents, I would never ever make a list of things for someone to buy for me for a birthday, or Christmas etc.

LadyinRead · 18/01/2022 15:52

Get on Deliveroo and order yourself a magnificent cake and consume it in front of him.

billy1966 · 18/01/2022 16:00

@Aderyn21

He's basically bought himself what he values having and passed it off as your present. If his birthday is soon I suggest you buy him a pretty salad bowl! This is really shit behaviour on his part.
This.

Poor you.

He sounds pretty selfish and thoughtless.

You deserve better.

The gift from his mother is awful.

I'd leave him to organise any further entertaining.

Flowers
Ninkanink · 18/01/2022 16:11

@billy1966 yes, quite. People say this on threads like this and often I think the OP thinks they’re joking or just making a point. But in OP’s circumstances I absolutely 100% would do this! Why is what’s good for the goose not just as good for the gander??

Unless of course his birthday is far away...in which case @Shitandhills should buy herself her birthday bowl now and choose another gift for herself/the household (important to choose one that he’d have no interest in) when his birthday rolls around.

@Shitandhills I hope you’re on souschef, or other similar website, right now choosing your perfect bowl!