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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you stay in bed?

114 replies

Starynight282 · 18/01/2022 10:08

If you started work at 12 noon and DH started work at 9am. One DS age 13 who DH gives a lift to school. Everything prepped the night before DS obviously gets himself washed, dressed and DH will make him eggs or porridge. Would you get up to see them both off or stay in bed until you needed to get up yourself? This happens 3 times a week.

YABU-get up with them
YANBU-enjoy the lie in, they can sort themselves out.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 18/01/2022 12:13

[quote cultkid]@aryastarkwolf

She wrote the update when i was writing my response get off your pony [/quote]
Your post was so judgy and sexist regardless, sounded like you were on your own pony

Caspianberg · 18/01/2022 12:13

I think it’s fine, he isn’t getting up alone as your dh is there, and it’s only half the week.

However, I would talk to him about being unwell, even if you don’t say full extent. It’s far easier for them to understand why your in bed that extra hour then, otherwise he might think it’s that you don’t want to spend time with them. That way your managing expectations.
He then knows movie nights at home with pizza delivery might be on the cards as a treat, but going to cinema with him not as tired, rather than just not wanting to.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2022 12:15

It depends in the rest of the day.
Work 12-12 so get home 1am, eat and in bed for 2? No I wouldn't be getting up at 8 to wave them off.

Work 12-6 so have same dinner and bed routine as everyone else? I'd probably keep the same rough sleep times as the rest of the house so would at least be UP when they left

Anything that involves poor sleep like twin toddlers, you get all the sleep you can

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2022 12:17

The twin thing was projection. Your illness would come under my last point too. Sleep.

MedusasBadHairDay · 18/01/2022 12:18

My parents tried to protect me when I was a teen by not telling me about their health issues, I wish they had though because I knew something was up and it was far more worrying to know there was something going on and that it was being kept from me. If he's a worrier anyway you're better off giving him facts rather than letting his imagination run riot.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 18/01/2022 12:20

I can't stay in bed and let the kids leave for school without saying goodbye. I just can't. So I vote YABU.

Laiste · 18/01/2022 12:21

@SleepingStandingUp

The twin thing was projection. Your illness would come under my last point too. Sleep.
Grin

I was wondering where the twin toddlers came into it ...

CA0932017 · 18/01/2022 12:23

I'd get up. I couldn't still be in bed at 9am though, we are early birds.

Dp is working til 2-10-11pm all week and is always up by 6-7am still. He likes his morning and helping to get the kids ready for school!

NYnewstart · 18/01/2022 12:24

I’d just say that it’s helpful to get more rest and ask him to pop his head round the door to say goodbye.
Semi truth and you get a goodbye.

BrutusMcDogface · 18/01/2022 12:26

I voted yanbu but actually, I do always get up to see my kids/partner off. Up to you, though!

rainyskylight · 18/01/2022 12:27

you need to stay in bed longer.

OrangeShark27 · 18/01/2022 12:28

It's 3 days a week. Have a lie in. Can you get up with him one day a week perhaps?

He's got a parent with him. He's getting eggs made and getting taken to school. There's no need for you to get up with him. Most children don't have 2 parents around the breakfast table!

Could he pop his head around the door to say goodbye to you?

OrangeShark27 · 18/01/2022 12:28

Both my above suggestions are only if you want to though. There's no requirement and it's going to do no harm to him for his mum to stay in bed if needs be.

SilverGlassHare · 18/01/2022 12:29

I don't think you should have to get up and "help" but I'd wave them off. I can't let DS(7) leave the house without a kiss and a hug. But I couldn't physically sleep through them being up and moving around, I naturally wake quite early and find it difficult to go back to sleep, so even if I'm still in bed I'd be awake and reading.

lborgia · 18/01/2022 12:31

OP, I think, even if he is anxious, you could tell him that you're trying to look after yourself better.

You can say that you get a better rest from your"tummy symptoms" if you stay in bed and snooze for a bit.

By giving him some carefully selected information, you are giving him a proper context.

You're treating him in an age appropriate way, rather than protecting him to an extent that there's all this unknown/ slightly odd behaviour by his mum with no real reasoning.

Do you think it would be possible to have a grown up-ish chat so he feels included and as so he sees what you are doing is sensible?

My experience of being kept at arms length in a similar situation would make me more anxious when I was young.

Otherwise, as you know, yanbu!!

SilverGlassHare · 18/01/2022 12:31

Ok, so I posted that without reading all your posts - in that case, definitely not unreasonable to want to rest and not to worry DS.

Alondra · 18/01/2022 12:32

I don't get why you need to get up for your DH and 13 y.o son when they are old enough to have a shower and make breakfast specially if lunches have been sorted the day before.

One is an adult, one is a teen. Just enjoy the lie in

lborgia · 18/01/2022 12:33

@MedusasBadHairDay - x-post, agree!

ConstanceL · 18/01/2022 12:37

@SilverGlassHare

I don't think you should have to get up and "help" but I'd wave them off. I can't let DS(7) leave the house without a kiss and a hug. But I couldn't physically sleep through them being up and moving around, I naturally wake quite early and find it difficult to go back to sleep, so even if I'm still in bed I'd be awake and reading.
Seeing your 7 year old off with a kiss and a hug isn't really comparable with the OP's 13 year old son spending the morning with his own father so the OP can get a rest once or twice a week!
HGC2 · 18/01/2022 12:37

@Starynight282

cultkid sorry to hear you're struggling too. I have crohns and colitis, it settles during the night but as soon as I'm up it all kicks in, by lunchtime I'm really struggling so on the days I work, delaying getting up helps me through the shift.

I dont really know why I've asked this, I know the answer, I know I'm not being unreasonable, I'm always so hard on myself, never want to admit defeat or accept help. It just feels like another step back.

Anyway, I got to go now, thanks again for all the replies, they've been very helpful.

I have had a horrific 2 years with my chrons and I found it easier just to explain to my kids that I was going through a bad spell and lying in some mornings and going to be early (and all the other things I had to do) were me trying to work towards feeling better. I actually had surgery this year and the difference is immense, just to give you a glimmer of hope that you hopefully won't feel this way forever. You rest when you can, your body needs it
guffaux · 18/01/2022 12:44

have you considered that your son and his dad might relish having their morning routine together without you? do you get other 1:1 time to enjoy with your son and the three of spend other time together ?

AndItDoesntSeemToMatter · 18/01/2022 12:44

See them off? Say goodbye? They're going to school / work not a 6 month tour of Africa. Presumably you all see each other the very same evening. Stay in bed.

Toanewstart22 · 18/01/2022 12:47

Op

You say your son is a worrier
You say he doesn’t know you are I’ll

He will know something is up
I think it’s time oh talk to him about your illness

RowanAlong · 18/01/2022 12:48

I’d come down and be ‘present’ for your DS fifteen mins before he leaves. Absolutely.

NotTheGrinchAgain · 18/01/2022 12:51

I really think you should mention to your DS you are not feeling well.

DH and I work full time and start work at 9am. We get up at 6am so that we can get the day started. This is fairly normal behaviour in working households, when there are chores to be done around the working day. We both like to shower in the morning, if there's time. I will often prep dinner while the kids are eating breakfast, and DH will sort out laundry.

So it would seem really weird to my kids if didnt get up and wave them off by 9am and instead was lying in bed. Especially as they know you only work part time three days a week. My dd would definitely be interrogating me and DH to know why I had "taken to my bed"!

It's 100% reasonable to have a lie in, and to expect your 13 year old to be independent enough to get ready for school with dad to help keep him on track.

But it is unreasonable to protect him from the truth that sometimes your chronic conditions mean you don't feel well. He will have picked up something isnt normal or right and is probably worrying about it anyway. It should be an easy enough conversation to explain the causes of colitis and chrons flare ups, the impact on you, and the reasonable adjustments to family life to allow you to work and cope with the pain. I think it is helpful for children to understand that life isnt always easy and that families help support when someone needs that help. Surely that's what you want him to do as an adult too, be just like your lovely DH and support his partner when they need it?