To not want to stop and chat?

[PicklesAndPumpkins]

DH and I live in a small village and have a dog who we walk twice a day. As happens in a small village you tend to see the same faces out and about at the same times. We’re friendly with a lot of the villagers as everyone’s lovely.

However, we often see this one man who purposefully blocks the path by bending down in the middle of it to pet our dog, forcing us to stop walking and start a conversation. He gives me the ick and I feel uncomfortable talking to him. Especially if I’m on my own. He doesn’t have a dog, but walks the same route every day summer and winter, rain or shine.

Sometimes I pretend to be on the phone just to avoid having to even saying hi! The other day he shouted at me from over 100 yards and when I ignored him he literally ran to catch up with me!

I don’t want to make things awkward by telling him that I don’t want to stop and chat every day, but he’s making me uncomfortable and sometimes dread what would otherwise be a lovely walk!

Without driving a few miles there’s nowhere else to go! Am also limited by lunch breaks as to when we can walk the dog so moving the timings wouldn’t be ideal. AIBU to not want to stop and chat every day?!

@billy1966 i hear you.
4 DDS here.

It is important to keep away from this historical habit of teaching young women that they have to be 'nice'. Nice to strangers, men or women. Nice to everyone.

First instinct should be to remain calm and neutral and look after them self first and that you don't owe anyone anything of yourself just because someone wants it and are asking for it.

@Lavender24

Some of these comments are really OTT. He just sounds lonely and a bit socially inept. Just say "Anyway I'm in a hurry, bye!" No need to be unpleasant or waste police time.

I was wondering how long it would be until someone commented that he might just be lonely and that she should be polite

You can be assertive without being rude, just walk quickly past and say can't stop or cross over the road to avoid him.

@Mamamia7962

You can be assertive without being rude, just walk quickly past and say can't stop or cross over the road to avoid him.

People any form of being assertive is a kin to being a rude ass bitch. So now, you can’t always assume that your assertiveness or will not be perceived as rude by people. Especially when it’s an older man who thinks everyone should just be nice to him. Especially when women are telling other women to just suck it up and have a heart because he might be lonely

He sounds horrible. Good luck OP. Obviously you already know the polite ways to avoid someone and the problem is that these don’t work. This is the way creepy men work: they force women into situations where they feel unable to object.

Try being ruder eg “sorry I don’t feel like talking.” If that doesn’t work try wearing a mobile phone headset and when he speaks to you just shake your head, point to the headset and talk into it “uh huh, and then what happened?” and push past him.

If the above doesn’t work then I’m not sure what you can do other than drive somewhere else to walk, ridiculous I know.

I was bought up to be nice and smiley. My parents thought they were doing the right thing.

Kiss auntie this or what will she think?!
Hug uncle that or what will he think?!
Smile and be polite to adults.
We don't want people thinking we're rude.
Put others first.
Put the family rep first - everyone knows your dad.
Everyone always says how lovely and smiley and friendly you are compared to those other grumpy children.

Then there's me at 15 on the tube in London getting my arse felt again by some pervert and i'm politely taking it until i can get off at the wrong stop rather than say something!

There is no need to be rude. But equally there is no need to feel actually guilty about not complying with what a stranger wants.

I'm also with @billy1966

The main thing, the only thing that matters is that he makes OP uncomfortable. That's it. That tells you everything you need to know. He might be an axe murderer-rapist or (much more likely) just an ordinary bloke who's not picking up her social cues and being a nuisance - either way, op is uncomfortable. She does not have to put up with being uncomfortable. Billy's suggestion of a gradually escalation is the right one, in short:

1. Subtle hints "sorry can't chat today!" Repeat for a couple of days

1. Direct, polite rebuttal: "please don't stop to chat with me, when I walk I like to be alone"

1. Less polite Direct rebuttal: "you are making me uncomfortable"

1. Seek third party advice/intervention eg police advice etc.

This isn't ott. You only go to the next stage if the current one isn't working.

Pretty sure op would have tried breezy polite "can't stop" before posting here.

@Laiste

I was bought up to be nice and smiley. My parents thought they were doing the right thing.

Kiss auntie this or what will she think?!
Hug uncle that or what will he think?!
Smile and be polite to adults.
We don't want people thinking we're rude.
Put others first.
Put the family rep first - everyone knows your dad.
Everyone always says how lovely and smiley and friendly you are compared to those other grumpy children.

Then there's me at 15 on the tube in London getting my arse felt again by some pervert and i'm politely taking it until i can get off at the wrong stop rather than say something!

There is no need to be rude. But equally there is no need to feel actually guilty about not complying with what a stranger wants.

You are so, so right and I never make my dd put up with kissing, tickling etc if she doesn't like it.

but he’s making me uncomfortable and sometimes dread what would otherwise be a lovely walk!

This is the bottom line IMO.

That some posters response to this is to call it OTT/ridiculous
or nasty, to me advising ,very clearly ,NOT to accept it, tells you just how difficult it is for SOME young women to have bodily autonomy and boundaries.

I'm so glad that my daughters and their friends are being raised to know they do not need permission to feel what they feel, and make choices based on what THEY want.

People any form of being assertive is a kin to being a rude ass bitch. So now, you can’t always assume that your assertiveness or will not be perceived as rude by people. Especially when it’s an older man who thinks everyone should just be nice to him. Especially when women are telling other women to just suck it up and have a heart because he might be lonely

This! It’s sad that some women are making excuses for this guy and thinking OP should be nice to someone who makes her uncomfortable. Countless threads on here about women ignoring red flags and being told it was their fault or they would be ridiculous to deal with such and such behaviour but a woman who says her male neighbour makes her uncomfortable, she should ignore such feelings and be nice because he may be lonely, insane. I will point out nowhere does it say in her first post his age and why does he get a pass if he was old?

@billy1966

Did you read my post? Did you NOT understand it?

He stops and blocks the path.

IF she asks to pass and he doesn't allow her to, and continues to block her path, THAT is threatening behaviour.

So it is perfectly reasonable to report someone whom you have ASKED to let you pass and they have NOT allowed you to do so?

I thought my post was very clear.

She does NOT have to tolerate his company being forced on her.🤷‍♀️

Good luck reporting that. Petting a dog, even when the owner doesn’t want to engage with you is not threatening behaviour. No wonder the Police aren’t attending crimes if they’re busy dealing with absolute shite like this.

There’s plenty of sensible advice on here OP, hopefully he’ll get the message and you can walk without being disturbed.

@phoenixrosehere
''I will point out nowhere does it say in her first post his age and why does he get a pass if he was old?''

You know you're right! I have been picturing an old guy right through this. And so have a lot of others i think.

We only know:

• lone male

and

• might be socially awkward as opposed to knowingly being a pest. But only might.

@billy1966

Tell him "I want to pass".

If he doesn't allow you to pass, ask him calmly"why won't you allow me to pass?".

When you get away, report him to the police.

This is not normal behaviour.
It is threatening.

He needs reporting.
You need to tell the police, his behaviour is threatening, by not allowing you to pass, by blocking your way.

He is preventing you enjoying your walk.
Get a photo of him if possible, or have record the interaction if you can.

Women should not accept this bullshit.

Goodness me. Flowers too

Dear god, why are so many replies telling OP to be a people-pleaser and be nice to this annoying man? Why does his desire to talk to her trump her desire not to talk to him?
He makes her feel uncomfortable.
He actually blocks her path, forcing her to stop.
He shouted to her and ran 100 yards to catch up when she didn’t respond. That’s weird.
We do not have to put up with feeling uncomfortable to please strangers. And we don’t have to make up excuses not to talk to them.

Actually, him running 100 yards info. should have dispelled the 'frail doddery old man'' image from my head!

Oh god, I had similar on dog walks but from a woman. She just wouldn't leave me alone and would talk and talk 'at' me for ages if I was being kind that day and chatted to her for a few minutes.

I just started blanking her in the end and walking past her as if I'd never seen her before. Harsh but I'd tried absolutely everything else such as being in a hurry, saying a quick 'hello' etc

You can be firm and assertive without reporting him to the police.
It's the latter suggestion that I found so ridiculous.

YANBU. You don’t need to speak to anyone, particularly men who give you the ick.

@ilovesooty

You can be firm and assertive without reporting him to the police. It's the latter suggestion that I found so ridiculous.

Totally agree. It’s hardly being an assertive woman to go to the police over an awkward interaction. It’s more like a Penelope Pitstop reaction: “Hey-alp!!!”