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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to stop and chat?

119 replies

PicklesAndPumpkins · 17/01/2022 22:33

DH and I live in a small village and have a dog who we walk twice a day. As happens in a small village you tend to see the same faces out and about at the same times. We’re friendly with a lot of the villagers as everyone’s lovely.

However, we often see this one man who purposefully blocks the path by bending down in the middle of it to pet our dog, forcing us to stop walking and start a conversation. He gives me the ick and I feel uncomfortable talking to him. Especially if I’m on my own. He doesn’t have a dog, but walks the same route every day summer and winter, rain or shine.

Sometimes I pretend to be on the phone just to avoid having to even saying hi! The other day he shouted at me from over 100 yards and when I ignored him he literally ran to catch up with me!

I don’t want to make things awkward by telling him that I don’t want to stop and chat every day, but he’s making me uncomfortable and sometimes dread what would otherwise be a lovely walk!

Without driving a few miles there’s nowhere else to go! Am also limited by lunch breaks as to when we can walk the dog so moving the timings wouldn’t be ideal. AIBU to not want to stop and chat every day?!

OP posts:

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 17/01/2022 23:37

I may be wrong but it seems to me he thinks you guys like the chat. It's become a routine. obviously you know best as you're there, but is it possible he's not intentionally blocking your path? More just bending to stroke dog and happens to be in the path? He isn't reading social cues.

Be more direct. "I'm sorry Sam, work is busy at the moment, I need to get dog back asap before a meeting."

Next time,

"Sorry Sam, my lunch has been moved by bosses so I can't stop. See you around"

Next time

"Sorry Sam, work is still manic, nice to see you"

Etc. He'll soon taper off. If he doesn't, and he persists and you feel he isn't respecting your boundaries, THEN call the non-emergency police line for advice. You shouldn't be made to feel threatened but it seems you haven't really told him you don't want to talk yet or made it super clear.

burnthur5t · 17/01/2022 23:41

In a situation like this you just need to keep walking. Just say Hello but you've got to keep moving. You may think it's rude but so what. After a few times of you doing this he'll get the message

I've got a neighbour who always wants to talk, in fact I dread going out the house if he's in his garden but the way I handle it is I just say Hello and I don't encourage any conversation, I just carry on with what I'm doing

Kite22 · 17/01/2022 23:44

I don't have any literacy or comprehension issues. She isn't being threatened, and your posts are ridiculous.

Yup, me neither.

He's possibly incredibly lonely.
That doesn't mean you have to stop to chat.
But a friendly 'can't stop, got to keep the dog moving' and then walk around him is my best advice.
If he tries to strike up conversation, you can just say 'sorry, in a rush today'
And repeat everyday until he gets the idea.
This is all you need

Exactly.

Lentil63 · 18/01/2022 00:04

If you think life is all about you, you are not being remotely unreasonable. One day you may be lonely and desperate for some human interaction. I don’t wish that on you.

Ionlydomassiveones · 18/01/2022 00:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Peakypolly · 18/01/2022 00:14

Women should not accept this bullshit.
The op has inferred the problem is for her and her DH we often see this one man.

ilovesooty · 18/01/2022 00:18

Kite22 exactly.

It isn't threatening behaviour. I'd suggest that it can be dealt with assertively as people suggest - and that's just firm and boundaried, not rude. He probably is lonely but if you really don't want to get into conversation you can just acknowledge him and move on.

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 18/01/2022 00:31

OP
I know you feel awkward not being friendly and feel it's polite to stop and chat but he's forcing you to stop and chat and sometimes you are own your own. He gives you the ick and you're thinking of driving to do a different walk so you don't bump into this man anymore.

Ask yourself whether appearing polite is more important than being friendly to a man you don't want to stop and talk to each day. Making excuses only lasts a few times.
Sure you can wave and keep moving on when he isn't blocking your path, but you can't when he does block it.

So the question is how do you assertively ask him to stop blocking your path?

I think the only way to do this is to say "look this is getting a bit much. I don't mind waving in passing, but please don't block my path when I'm walking the dog. Can you please let me and DDog by. It makes me uncomfortable. I just want to walk my dog in peace."

You don't have to explain anymore than that. You don't need to get into a debate nor feel bad if he replies he's "just trying to be friendly". It is making you uncomfortable and negatively affecting your life. You can just repeat "but I don't like it. Please stop coming over to me. I just want to walk my dog in peace and quiets . please step aside and let us pass. Come on DDog..."

If he reacts in anyway other than an apology and letting you pass, then quickly walk away the other way and think about what you do next.

He may be a lonely harmless man. He may be a dog lover who doesn't want his own dog. He may be socially awkward. He may be a predatory man who isn't so harmless. It's the persistence & regularity of his actions that's an issue. I'm sure if he'd said hi on occasion, it wouldn't have registered on your discomfort scale.

Regardless of who he is, it isn't relevant, as you don't want to be friends with him and he's giving you the ick.

Any person with common sense, awareness that he's still a man stopping a woman on her own, will understand -once you've said what you say calmly above- that he may have been coming across differently to his intention with his insistence on stopping you each day.

Keep your phone on you and have it to hand. Maybe ring partner and keep it in pocket if you see him approaching just so you have back up available.

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 18/01/2022 00:35

@Peakypolly
Women should not accept this bullshit.The op has inferred the problem is for her and her DH "we often see this one man"

"We" includes the dog. OP mentions he often stops her when she's on her own (with DDog) as well.

FireMeetGasoline · 18/01/2022 00:38

How old is this man?

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 18/01/2022 00:40

@Kite22

I don't have any literacy or comprehension issues. She isn't being threatened, and your posts are ridiculous.

Yup, me neither.

Exactly.

I kind of agree with this as a first approach. But if it doesn't work, then I'd suggest being more assertive and blunt with him.

It's ok to actually say"I don't want to stop please let is pass" .. then "I don't want to stop and chat with you each day, please let us pass" or eve more assertive if he carries on blocking your path.

milkyaqua · 18/01/2022 00:46

@Lentil63

If you think life is all about you, you are not being remotely unreasonable. One day you may be lonely and desperate for some human interaction. I don’t wish that on you.

OP is not the Samaritans.

We are not required to date/have sex with every man who is interested in us, or befriend every single person we meet. Hi! in a pleasant tone is really enough.

TheDogsMother · 18/01/2022 00:49

@billy1966 Good God really ? Are we are talking axe murderer here.

OP I live in a similar sort of place and as lovely as it is there are times I need to get back for work deadlines so I give a breezy hello how are you but keep walking briskly on.

Shannonz · 18/01/2022 00:51

@billy1966

Tell him "I want to pass".

If he doesn't allow you to pass, ask him calmly"why won't you allow me to pass?".

When you get away, report him to the police.

This is not normal behaviour.
It is threatening.

He needs reporting.
You need to tell the police, his behaviour is threatening, by not allowing you to pass, by blocking your way.

He is preventing you enjoying your walk.
Get a photo of him if possible, or have record the interaction if you can.

Women should not accept this bullshit.

Wow that is over the top 🙄🙄🙄

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 18/01/2022 00:57

It's really natural especially in a small village to feel obliged to stop and chat when someone is so insistent on it!
And To not want to seem unfriendly.

But OP fight that urge if it makes you comfortable about this particular person.

Sometimes its ok to come across as brusk and unwilling to chat. To ignore someone you don't want to talk to. Sometimes it ok to come across as busy and unfriendly! Or to say 'can't (I don't want to) stop and chat', (... I want to walk my dog in peace) or any short version you feel is required eventually to get the message across!

Ps. You're not being unfriendly to everyone, you just don't want to be stopped in an unwelcome way by this man everyday

Flickflak · 18/01/2022 00:58

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

tapastastic · 18/01/2022 01:01

@Kite22

Completely OTT billy1966

My thoughts!

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 18/01/2022 01:16

Life would be so much less stressful for us or we could do what most teenagers do. If they don't want to chat to someone they tap towards their ears to show they have (music) ear pods in, wave and walk on!

ilovesooty · 18/01/2022 01:22

@verytiredofbeingshoutedat

Nothing to stop anyone doing it.

sobercuriouskind · 18/01/2022 01:38

This is why I would never live in a small village, having to deal with this kind of scenario. And chit chat, urgh.

dehyfingdrated · 18/01/2022 01:44

How annoying. I'd be a bit offish with him purposely and maybe even say sorry I can't stop and speak every day.

SkiingIsHeaven · 18/01/2022 01:48

Walk your usual route in the opposite direction or at a slightly different time.

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 18/01/2022 01:51

@ilovesooty
But teenagers do it so much better ! I think we can all learn a bit of occasional selfishness when we go too far being too polite as adults.

On the rare occasion I get stuck with being volunteered or cornered for something I don't want to do (& can't fit in) I think WWMTD? (what would my teenager do?) and occasionally ignore or have said "I could but I really don't want to " instead of the "I'll get back to you/ am so busy...".

It's soooo much easier to be teenager-honest! Or to put earphones in and pretend you haven't seen someone / are very busy listening / when you dont want to talk to someone!

I like to think of it as teenager assertive!

CelestiaNoctis · 18/01/2022 01:59

God I relate so much. But it's the school run. Some people just don't get it. This one woman gives me the ick so bad, she's so cringe. I literally walk the long way to avoid her. Next time just say good morning or good afternoon, you alright and then keep going. If he's persistent, say come on dogs name I have to get back to work sometime today. And walk off. Eventually just try and cut it down to a wave or a simple hello. Try and keep it polite if he weirds you out. Always check your local area there's absolutely nowhere else you could possibly try and walk. Might be fun to change it up anyway.

Allthekittycats · 18/01/2022 02:00

Can you tell him you’re training the dog not to approach strangers or accept strangers fussing him so not to touch the dog? The dog is what he’s using to talk to you so take the opportunity away.

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