AIBU is my husband the slowest moving man to have ever existed?

[Kanfuzed123]

Light hearted but dear god does anyone else’s husband move at a glacial pace?

20 minutes on the toilet
25 minutes to peel potatoes for dinner which will make our toddlers dinner late. I was feeding our newborn and had to take over because it was taking an eternity. When I get to the potatoes they’re all cut in different sizes so will cook at different speeds and the over hasn’t been preheated either. Anything food related takes 6 times the amount of time it would take a normal person.

I know it’s a meme but I’ve had 2 kids in the same amount of time my husband spends on the loo. He’s always done this pre kids too, it’s the same if we’re in a rush.

I’m venting a bit now but does anyone else have to lay out detailed instructions for the most simple tasks for their husband.

I pre made lunch the other day for us and our toddler (omelette and wedges) it was in the fridge, i again feeding baby, asked him to sort it out and put lunch out, he puts out stone cold omelettes and potato wedges. Who the f eats stone cold potato wedges. I came in and was like ‘name… this is cold, didn’t you reheat it’ to which he responded ‘ you never said, I didn’t know I had to’ Jesus Christ… think man.

In labour, I started feeling sick about to vomit at home on our lovely new carpet, couldn’t move due to contractions. Asked him to get me a sick bag..: 10 minutes later, he shouts upstairs ‘what kind of bag’ ‘a poly bag no holes’ he meanders back upstairs, I’m wretching at this point swallowing sick, and chucks at me a closed poly bag with fucking holes in it, in that time I’m sick on the carpet. He proceeds to try and clean it up with baby blankets.

Am I the only one?
Aibu this is infuriating right?

Very outing but yes, very simple things confound him.

I asked him to go and buy a lettuce. I knew by the weight of the bag something was amiss. He’s got a whole white cabbage.

Asked for laundry liquid. He came back with washing up liquid.

Asked for bread for the DC lunchboxes for the week ahead, he comes back with bread with a sell by date of tomorrow.

Never checks dates on shopping. Walks past appliances that are full and need emptying. Washer, dishwasher, dryer etc.

Washes a few dishes by hand then plays Jenga balancing them on the things already very very dry that are on the drainer.

Swears I’ve not said things when I have. I’ve had a total entire 10 minute conversation about soft plastic recycling, where to take it, how the thing is full, etc etc he can’t recall any of it.

And just stupid stupid things.

I do feel like I have 3 kids most of the time not 2. He is well aware I feel like this.

Husband is the slowest salad chopper in the world. 25 minutes to chop enough cucumber, tomatoes, spring onions,radishes and mini peppers to go with pizza for 4 people. I thought I was being unreasonable until my son and DIL came to stay . They couldn't believe how long it took.

@Aquamarine1029

I couldn't tolerate that. It's just pure laziness and selfishness.

This.

You poor women. It all sounds like strategic incompetence - good at things they are OK with but fucks up anything they don't want to do. Please read Fair Play and stop putting up with this rubbish. Or am I being too harsh on men who just may have genuine issues of some sort?

Do men who takes ages having a shit always have phones with them? Just wondering if mobile phones have made sitting on the lav for ages a nice event, a bit of me time for them looking at porn

Some of this is just strengths and weaknesses - I am slow at many things you describe. Never diagnosed as dysprasic but definite traits of it. I've got roasties on now and I know that I'm way slower at peeling and then turning them than my husband is, likewise if I chopped veg at the speed he does them, we'd waste a lot more time at A&E. He is therefore the main cook during the week. The flip side is if he cleans he will do one part of one room to perfection in the time it takes me to make the whole house look - not perfect - but at least respectable. Consequently it's easier and more time effective for me to do most of the cleaning.

I will say though that neither of us take 20mins to poo

@ufucoffee

Do men who takes ages having a shit always have phones with them? Just wondering if mobile phones have made sitting on the lav for ages a nice event, a bit of me time for them looking at porn

What's the point in looking at porn sitting on the toilet?

DP sends his best memes when he's on the toilet.

@Notgotanyidea

We have a smallish car DH will take 2 hours to vacuums dust the inside, 4 hours to mow an average sized garden lawn and at least an hour to clean an average bathroom. I could go on. Each job requires a similar amount of time for pondering, explaining and preparation. It drives me nuts.

He does housework !!! Count your blessings. I wish mine would clean the bathroom - don't care how long it would take.

He does housework !!! Count your blessings.
I wish mine would clean the bathroom - don't care how long it would take.

Raise your bar. Why do people put up with this shit?

So on the one hand I feel a bit sorry for you and this is funny. But surely you work this stuff out in early dates? I think my BF could be better at organising / being pro-active and I detected this early on but took the view that he has other qualities and its a balance. Reading this I feel lucky. I can't help wondering is the problem that you do do everything or tell him what to do and so he doesn't think for himself? Like the heating up example - if he does something you haven't told him to do - when is he right to do what he thinks and when is he wrong? Why not just make lunch for all of us? Leave it more open ended - he has to eat this too, he needs to learn

@Kanfuzed123

The crazy part is he doesn’t like being told what to do, yet simultaneously needs to be handheld through every god damn thing

I feel you here.

Wants help through cooking a meal, what settings, what heat, when should he turn it over...

But if I come to the kitchen to even mildly speed up dinner making, then I'm "telling him he's doing it wrong"... Well, fucking yeah.

He cooks himself lovely meals when I'm away.

My FIL is like this. Whenever we visit he potters off to make lunch; an hour and a half to make sandwiches for 5 people.

I've told DH if he starts following in FILs footsteps I'll divorce him.

I have to wait for him to go out so I can do some laundry

This sounds very odd. Controlling. Like you are forbidden from doing things in your own home and have to wait for him to leave to do it behind his back.

DP does this sort of tomfoolery. He’ll make, say, lasagne – a ready-meal, not something from scratch – and only when it comes out of the oven will he put the garlic bread in. And only when that’s out will he make a salad. And only then start laying the table.

The other day he batch-cooked a massive bolognese from scratch during the day. At dinner time he made the spaghetti, then just dumped cold bolognese on top instead of heating a portion. WHY?!

And yes, the nine-hour poos, after which he’ll forget to do the thing he said he’d do “but I just need the loo first”.

He’s very good in lots of ways but the cooking drives me absolutely bonkers.

Why do women put up with this shit? Just why? And worse, think it's funny? Each to their own I guess.

Lose your shit at him everytime. My husband would be like this at the kids bathtime. If he's bathing the kids I have toys tidied, kitchen sorted, hoovered etc by the time he'd come back down. If I did bath time the place was still a shit tip when we came down. It took a long time and a lot of losing my rag for him to move faster!

I'm your DH with cooking. I take absolutely forever to peel anything, usually take at least 30 mins longer than the recipe supposes, and a very messy cook at that. Always in awe of people who can do a stir fry and keep everything in the pan...

Does he have algae growing on his fur - if so, it explains a good deal since he is clearly descended from a long line of Sloths rather than Homo sapiens

You are nit picking , way too much.. People are all different,in the way they do things and the way they tackle things.., best that you remember this, and stay calm instead.

Yep. Have one of these. I tell you it gets worse! I have wondered if it's a type of OCD or some type of ritualistic behaviour. DP will tie his shoe laces and has to measure each lace to ensure they are exactly the same length. Lots of rearranging if they are not exactly the same length.

Ages in bathroom - I mean ages 1.5 hours. Ages to cook a meal etc....

If he actually loved you he wouldn't treat you like this.

This had me laughing OP. I can so relate. What I did in the end was delegate getting him to be in charge of taking kids to swimming lessons on a Sunday, then I took a job doing Saturdays and Sundays. That’s nearly 4-5yeara he did that and I’m now back to working weekdays. I can report he has better sense of urgency now 😂😂😂 and I still leave him to sort out getting to swimming on time on Sundays.

I was feeling sorry for you not then you listed the things he is good at. We're all different. It would never occur to dh to clean a bathroom but he shops and cooks and cleans the kitchen before it has even crossed my mind that even if I can survive off a bag of crisps and the contents of the biscuit tin the dc might need feeding.

I'm with you on the toilet thing though... what is it with men and super long shits? Dh was spectacularly good at going in for his shit just as I was finishing breakfast and therefore needed to brush my teeth and leave for work. He now uses the dc's bathroom for such purposes (dc leave just before me so he isn't in their way).

"The other day he batch-cooked a massive bolognese from scratch during the day. At dinner time he made the spaghetti, then just dumped cold bolognese on top instead of heating a portion. WHY?!"

He's punishing you for him having to cook. It's all strategic.

My DD has moderate LD's, she went to a SN school. The school and the after school clubs taught life skills. All of the young people, most who would never live fully independently, didn't do the things I read on these types of threads. If someone genuinely struggles with something, they find ways to overcome them, so they have greater independence. The DPs on these threads don't want to do that. Posters seem proud that their DPs would happily neglect their children and have had children with men who wouldn't retain residency if they died.

In my experience (useless ex and watching women in my family etc deal with their useless men) they do this kind of thing so you think “fuck it, might as well do it myself” and they get to sit around doing fuck all. Fucking infuriating.