Mother's posting photos breastfeeding on social media?

[hardlythecinderellastory]

I understand it's natural and it should be normalised etc. But when I see it on my social media.. people who purposely post selfie's of themselves breastfeeding it makes me feel like shit as I failed both times at breastfeeding, the most recent times due to PND. I find it a bit "triggering" as it reminds me that I failed or didn't try hard enough. I think sometimes people feel so proud of BF'd that they don't think these photos might make other women feel a bit inferior. I don't post a bottle feeding photo as a) no one ever takes photos of me when I'm feeling her and b) I'd feel like it would be judged.
Is this an unreasonable opinion?

We all fail at something or other during our lives.
If we avoid failure & any difficult feelings, then we cease to develop ourselves or build resilience.

So, you couldn’t breast feed as you hoped?
You say that you were unwell with PND
You have brought lovely children in the world & overcome a difficult condition. You have done very well

Some people cannot process their difficult feelings & progress, so they dump their shit, knowingly or not, on other people. This is not who you are.

Just because your babies are close in age, this does not make you natural allies after maternity. If you feel less after contact with this person, it is because she is feeding off your self doubt which is a remnant or ashes of your PND.

I’ve also seen loads of pix of people ff on Facebook. I don’t think it’s that’s rare given that so many people do it.

Sending you photos isn’t on, but sharing on her SM is entirely her prerogative. All social media is about is people posting things they are proud of to simply show off or to share with others so they can be proud / happy for them - it’s why people post photos of graduation days, their children getting good scores in tests, the cutest photos of their kids and pets, photos that show their home in the best light. People rarely show unflattering photos or share that their child got a mediocre 7/10 on a spelling test or whatever. Even if they are posting a seemingly negative post eg about how tired they are - it’s always going to be competitive - I’m more tired that you are, my child wakes up more than yours, I win and you can comment “I don’t know how you do it!” …

I think it’s pretty outrageous that it’s always breastfeeding that can’t be shared in case it upsets others. You could extrapolate this to basically anything but somehow it’s ok to be proud of anything other than breastfeeding. I’ve breastfed for years with both children and I’m allowed to be proud of that. It’s been a huge part of my life and taken a monumental m effort. I have never posted a breastfeeding photo online because I don’t like sharing much but I’m allowed to be proud and me being proud isn’t a slight on Jane Doe down the road who didn’t.

In general YABU and I'm sorry you feel like you failed. Another person's positive journey is not a slight on you.

In relation to this friend, you need to be honest with her about her comments about being superwoman, etc.. Her reaction will determine if you should drop her.

I feel triggered when friends posts pics of them getting engaged as I’m single, see how ridiculous that sounds 🙄

And people do post pics of their babies being fed with bottles? I see it all the time?! Not sure why you said they don’t?

OP if you had started the thread with am I unreasonable to feel upset that my friend is sending me pictures of her breastfeeding then your responses would of been different.

I'm actually a bit confused why that wouldnt of been the point of your thread tbh and has only come up after most said yabu.

@Sedai Very wise words.

I feel triggered when I hear
People passing their driving lessons as I failed and don’t drive? I mean where do you draw the line, yes YABU.

Generally I don’t think there is anything wrong with people sharing BF pictures on social media. Can it sometimes feel a bit performative? Yes, but doesn’t anything else on social media….isn’t that why anyone shares any photo on SM?

Why does your friend specifically send you photos of her BF?
Do you think she realises it upsets you?

YABU - we are struggling to conceive after multiple losses and IVF isn't going well and I feel absolutely awful when I see:
pregnancy announcements,
bump pics,
scans,
baby pics or
pictures of people’s kids.

But that doesn’t mean I think they shouldn’t post them! I just know I need to avoid them!

I hope you find peace op. Counselling will help as will coming off social media. Please don't ruin what could be a good support system in your friend but be honest with her that you are taking a step back from FB and whatsApp and that you have found her posts hard even though you know it's irrational and you are getting help. Best of luck.

Not unreasonable to feel but a bit unreasonable to expect others to keep bf off social media for this reason as the reasons for doing it probably carry more weight. I don't think you should feel remotely bothered as anyone who keeps babies alive and vaguely clean is heroic

I once thought friends shouldn't post pictures of their babies because it hurt my feelings ... A bit ridiculous looking back. I'm glad I didn't say anything

I didn’t manage to BF my babies. Yeah, I felt a bit crap at the time and I too had PND which frankly doesn’t help either. But my children are now at the teen/tween stages. The baby stage is so small compared to the rest of their lives including their childhoods. How they are fed (breast or formula) is an even smaller part of that. Mine give zero shits about how they were fed as babies.

[quote hardlythecinderellastory]@HardbackWriter I don't know but she knows how badly I suffered with PND. I was admitted to a mother and baby unit. And she knows how I wanted to BF but it was just another stress and then I couldn't as I wouldn't have been able to take the medication I needed.
She's always telling me how she's a superwoman breastfeeding all day and night and having her partners tea on the table - while I've recently separated from my partner and back at my parents. It's like she goes out of her way to make me feel like shit.[/quote]
I BF day and night and generally get tea made, I think what you've been through is more super woman worthy. Your friend is a dick.

Quite like my csection scar though, it's where my baby was born and hardly obvious

A county with statistically higher breastfeeding rates needs to be the aim: in terms of general benefits. Too often it's presented as something of a niche choice, to be practiced by earth mothers or rigid adherents to attachment parenting, whereas in fact it needs to be normalized as the standard human method of feeding our young. In this instance, I would not see BF as something to be particularly 'proud' of (and yes, I did BF for 18 months), rather as a perfectly ordinary activity that humans have been doing since time immemorial. There's also a taboo which sees breasts as objects of sexual fetishization - and this is something that urgently needs redressing.

If for whatever reason a mother has taken the choice to formula feed because that's what was best for that family at that particular time, that's fine, too. Formula isn't poison. Plenty of babies can and do thrive on it: the vast majority, in fact, as BF rates in the UK are so woefully low.

It's the latter that is the issue, IMO: for some reason it isn't working out for the majority and we need to tackle the problem of WHY it isn't working out for the majority. This isn't an indictment of any particular individual.

From that perspective, YABU.

In the gentlest possible way, you are comparing yourself to her and making yourself feel like shit. She feels like superwoman for doing those things, because it's not her normal. She's after a pat on the back and clearly thinks of you as a friend who will understand this isn't a normal thing to accomplish. Have you tried bragging to her about your achievements and seeing what her response is?

You need to focus on where you want your own life to be instead of grading yourself against a criteria that you can't succeed in because you can't change the past.

To some people my life would be a fail (my grandmother for example has told me many times how disappointed she is in me). I am a divorced, single mum who lives in an ex council house and works every hour of every day. On the flip side, I was homeless and worked solidly to buy my own home. I have 2 postgraduate degrees and I'm running up the promotion ladder. To some people, I am a failure, to some people I am success. I can't amend being a survivor of domestic abuse, but it doesn't stop me being happy for other people on their engagements, weddings and anniversaries. I'm sad for myself but then I remind myself that I don't have to think about dinner for someone else, I get a double bed to myself, I don't have to compromise on decorating my home and I don't pick wet towels and undies off the floor. To my grandma I am a failure, to myself, I'm winning.

I hadn't seen your update before posting, to the tune that a particular friend seems deliberately to be rubbing your face in it by sending you DMs and constantly boasting about BF, especially when she knows you've suffered with PND.

That is spectacularly insensitive and of course it's unreasonable. In that particular circumstance I think I would lose the 'friend'.

OP there is a book by Amy Brown called why breastfeeding grief and trauma matter. It might help you process some of your feelings.

In short people should be able to post whatever they want on their in social media pages. Breastfeeding has not been normalised yet in this country and so more work is needed on this. However if I were you I would unfollow that friend. I would also never send breastfeeding selfies or congratulatory messages about myself feeding to a friend who struggled to feed.

Also, I'm sorry you are giving such a difficult time. At this early stage feeding seems like such a big deal but in years to come it will be less important. Take care of yourself.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks that makes no sense. If you’re pro-choice, as you say you are, then there is no ‘woeful’ breastfeeding rate - that’s your own projection, you deciding what should work best for everyone. I really think people trotting out the ‘woeful breast-feeding rate’ stuff need to mind their own business if I’m honest.

You don't need to feel bad about not breastfeeding. Billions of people that were bottle-fed have thrived in life.

You are unreasonable to expect people not to post on social media. Lots of people aren't able to do lots of things - they can't expect others not to live their lives. I'm sure the Olympics coverage makes lots of athletes that didn't make it a bit sad but nobody would expect the Olympics to be held behind closed doors.

I'm sorry but you are being U.

Other people shouldn't have to hide from feeding a baby. It's quite extreme that you are triggered by this. Perhaps you need to talk to your gp.

This sounds like a you problem. When my lo was tiny I posted a few pics on fb feeding him because I missed doing so when I was at work. It wasn't to put down mum's who bottle feed

YABU it's like saying thin people posting photos on a night out is fat shaming.