To bring this up with the parents - my daughter's cousins told them they were thicker and not as good because they don't go to a private school (or should /I just lol and leave it alone!)

[HacketteofHacks]

We had a family 'get together' around Christmas.
My daughters are 12 and 8, their cousins are 7 and 4.
The 7 year old told my 12 year old that she was 'brighter and better' than her because she went to private school.
She also later said to my 8 year old who was struggling to tie up shoe laces (trainers so they could go out to the park) and say 'I can do that I'm cleverer than you'. I've no reason to think my children are lying - I know these children have said other stuff in the past to me.
Now if my DC said that to another child (in an immediate family) I would want to know.
My DH (it's his DB whose children made the comments) thinks it's 'just people isn't it'. And thinks I should avoid...
And before you flame me.. I haven't really got a problem with private schooling - we are lucky enough to live in an area where all the schools are good. But DH and his brother went to a public school and hated it (in fact DH was surprised with DH sent his children to private school as they too live in an area with some good schools).
There also the issue that DB is paid via a limited company so while DH ( and I)pay tax via PAYE we know DB puts a lot of things through his limited company. So he doesn't pay the same amount of tax and maybe can afford to do the private school thing.
Neither DB or his wife went to university. His wife doesn't work (lucky her as her mum gave her shed loads of cash to buy their house) both DH and I do work long hours and we. both have masters degrees. But I would never think I was better than anyone else.
My question is - should I bring this up?

I don't think it's worth a family row over nonsense that a 7 year old comes out with. Teach your girls to ignore any silliness from much younger kids and move on.

@Sloughsabigplace

My ds has dealt with this shit most of his life.

His father (my ex h) has 5 siblings, all had children around the same time we had ds.

We split when ds was 4, ds went to state school - ex h parents pay for all their other grandchildren to go to prestigious private schools, as they did thier own children, but they hated me so didn’t pay for ds.

Not that I cared actually, never said a word, they can spend their money how they wish and I didn’t want my ds schooling dictated to me anyway.

All cousins are now teens. All in or going to Oxford/Cambridge other prestigious unis.

Ds did okay at school, but decided to do a BTEC and is 19 now and is training to be a paramedic.

He gets a sneered at by his father and his fathers family and it does hurt him. Oh, and obviously it’s all my fault - I’m thick and ds is thick like me/has been dragged up by me and now dh blah blah blah - it’s all a stick to carry on beating me with.

All untrue and pathetic but hey, if it makes them feel good to slag off a person they haven’t clapped eyes on in 15 years, then they can crack on! I must live a happier life than them. My son is wonderful, happy, an amazing big brother to his little siblings and is doing something he cares about in life.

He realised a few years ago that despite the thousands spent on education, his cousins are cunts and all the expensive education in the world doesn’t buy you compassion or class.

A paramedic.

Clearly not thick then.

If covid has taught us nothing then we've learnt that our nhs workers are the essential backbone of this country health wise.

Go you ds for doing something so useful to society .

Do you not see the irony in your initial post op? The dig about sils mother giving cash to buy the home and then not going to university and sil being a sahm. Your being equally judgemental if not more so because your an adult. Your talking about a 7 year old who is still learning.

The child was probably complaining to her mum that she wanted to go to school locally with all her friends and her mum has told her she will get a better education and qualifications in more age appropriate language and DN is probably repeating it with her own interpretation. Just reassure your own kids that it’s not true and they can do equally as well if they try

The only thing I resent is that it's pretty obvious they use a limited company to avoid paying the taxes that most of us pay. It's not envy - more annoyed.

This is plain nasty. My DH had a Ltd company until recently - he paid all the taxes that he had to via his Ltd company. Yes, there are slightly different tax rules to PAYE, but he also paid corporation tax, plus didn’t get sick pay, holiday pay, employer pension contributions etc. No redundancy pay if he didn’t work.

As someone who worked PAYE, I know the differences and there are swings and roundabouts to both. He liked the flexibility of contracting via a LTD company, but he certainly wasn’t avoiding paying taxes. Sorry, but you do sound envious, maybe go self employed via a LTD company yourself if you think you will avoid tax? But I assure you, you won’t!

You sound jealous and are making this about your BIL and SIL working lives (or lack of) rather than the schooling. So what if her mum gave her some money, my kids will be getting some when they are older, we have inherited quite a lot, why shouldn’t we share it?

Comparison is the thief of joy. Enjoy your own life, don’t compare with others.

@Bananarama21

Do you not see the irony in your initial post op? The dig about sils mother giving cash to buy the home and then not going to university and sil being a sahm. Your being equally judgemental if not more so because your an adult. Your talking about a 7 year old who is still learning.

Exactly this.

Don’t rise to a 7 year old op, it’s very petty.

Just be thankful your kids aren't going to grow up to be entitled twats

@itsgettingweird it’s the only time I have ever risen to one of ex h jibes in all these years. He said he was embarrassed that his son was thinking of doing some thing so “uneducated” when his sisters children were all destined for great things.

I told him that I hoped an “uneducated” paramedic never had the need to save his life one day then. At least he had the shame to look embarrassed.

Do you not see the irony in your initial post op? The dig about sils mother giving cash to buy the home and then not going to university and sil being a sahm. Your being equally judgemental if not more so because your an adult. Your talking about a 7 year old who is still learning.

Yep, just one big judgy clan teaching their DC to follow, the only difference is 7 y.o's don't know how to be underhanded, or veil their judgement with fake concern.
Jealousy is one of the worst characteristics in a person, don't bite or teach your DC it.

I used to get this but from my great-uncle. He was in his 40s and I was about 8. He'd make comments about how I might be at private school but he had to work to do well in exams and didn't have it spoonfed to him. He'd put Bamboozle on Teletext whenever we saw him and challenge me to answer the questions faster than him.

I just remember being a bit confused and also feeling bad for him that he felt he had to put down a child in order to feel better about himself.

I think I'd just tell your children to say something non-commital like "that's nice" and then change the subject "race you to the swings" or whatever. Their children have probably heard the parents saying it and haven't thought it through in their heads. Although whether they actually mean it or not, they'll soon lose the superiority complex as they go on in life

@TheHoptimist

In what way do you think using a limited company saves tax? You pay tax in a different way and have more expenses linked to companies house etc but the days when there was a large difference are long since gone.

Yes, this. The actual difference is really small. You still have to pay personal tax on money you receive from the company, too, as well as corporation tax assuming the business is profitable. And there are very clear rules about what you are allowed to claim as expenses.

My kids would've just taken their cousins down. Isn't that what kids are supposed to do to irritating little cousins? Mine cousins certainly did.

@5128gap

In fairness to your in laws, they might have picked this up at school, either from other students or the school itself. Schools after brag about having the 'brightest and best' students. It's supposed to foster pride in being part of the school community.

I think this is true. And I would start from that point to talk to the parents. It's not really very classy, is it? How good can the school that they are paying for be?

In my experience lots of children that attend private schools do have this attitude. Like others have said, it's a shame that private schools don't teach manners!

Tell the kids to reply that their cousins NEEDED a private school because they weren't clever enough for a normal school to teach them. Brats.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

Tell the kids to reply that their cousins NEEDED a private school because they weren't clever enough for a normal school to teach them. Brats.

The kids are 7 and 4

You're a nasty so and so for thinking that's an appropriate response

All that matters here is that you teach your children how to deal with others when they’re rude. No need to dwell on your own resentment at all.

@Sloughsabigplace

My ds has dealt with this shit most of his life.

His father (my ex h) has 5 siblings, all had children around the same time we had ds.

We split when ds was 4, ds went to state school - ex h parents pay for all their other grandchildren to go to prestigious private schools, as they did thier own children, but they hated me so didn’t pay for ds.

Not that I cared actually, never said a word, they can spend their money how they wish and I didn’t want my ds schooling dictated to me anyway.

All cousins are now teens. All in or going to Oxford/Cambridge other prestigious unis.

Ds did okay at school, but decided to do a BTEC and is 19 now and is training to be a paramedic.

He gets a sneered at by his father and his fathers family and it does hurt him. Oh, and obviously it’s all my fault - I’m thick and ds is thick like me/has been dragged up by me and now dh blah blah blah - it’s all a stick to carry on beating me with.

All untrue and pathetic but hey, if it makes them feel good to slag off a person they haven’t clapped eyes on in 15 years, then they can crack on! I must live a happier life than them. My son is wonderful, happy, an amazing big brother to his little siblings and is doing something he cares about in life.

He realised a few years ago that despite the thousands spent on education, his cousins are cunts and all the expensive education in the world doesn’t buy you compassion or class.

Holy fuckballs, your ex and his family sound like major assholes! I'd be forever grateful I got my son out at such a young age! He sounds like a really good egg and you sound super proud - as you should be. I think your closing analysis is spot on, they defo sound like a bunch of rich cunts with zero class!

OP, I would insist on my husband having a word with his brother. His family, their hangups. If you go into it you risk sounding as bitter as you do in your past and making the issue about something it is not...

It may be down to a selective factor- my children certainly didn't know we had to pay for their schooling when they were seven.
And yes, 7yos come out with all sorts of ridiculous, blinkered nonsense- they're 7, and have no idea how the world works for the most part.
If it's your husband's brother and his children, then get DH to speak with him.

All the tax, not working, having masters etc is completely irrelevant to the post.

I'd make sure your kids are confident and know their worth. I'd leave it with the parents for now unless it gets worse or you're there when something is said, in which case you can challenge them in a child appropriate manner.

@KiloWhat

Seperate the two. It's not the kids fault.

This.

My cousins used to do this to us. We weren't very well off and it was quite obvious. My cousins other grandparents paid them to go private. And they lived a lot differently - although above their means. What none of us knew was that one cousin had severe learning difficulties and his other grandfather could not handle this. His parents weren't at all supportive and in fact were and still are absolute arses. They threw money at loads of things. Fancy holidays, satellite TV before people had it Soda stream etc. They ended up divorced too with money problems. Even as kids we knew they weren't a happy home. The private education didn't give my cousins any advantage at all. In fact it totally messed up one of them. He needed support rather than being forced into a round hole.
My parents felt inadequate and didn't support us to deal properly with the wealth disparity that they blatantly shoved down our throats and we knew we didn't have things because we were poorer but this was not discussed properly. They used to make fun of us and I include the adults! But we made fun of them too. Especially when they were teens and we were a lot more trendy and they were dorks. My parents were and still are jealous even though it's not panned out well for my cousins and family. With my children I'm always at pains to point this out to them - that there's no point in jealousy. That everyone is different and how you behave with others is what counts. I also always say that there's plenty of children around the world who would love to go to any school but their parents can't afford it and it's not an option for them. So we should get up and do the best we can with what we have and make the most of every opportunity. I wish my parents had taught me that (it took a while to realise it for myself). They could do with knowing that now! Jealousy is such a waste of emotion.

Let's not demonise a 4 and 7 year old they are young children, still learning.

My point exactly in my OP. The stuff you hear from babes comes from adults around them. You clearly think it matters or you wouldn't be posting this. Otherwise you'd just laugh it off. One of your dc is 12. Do you not have a giggle together about things? Hug your dc and concentrate on making them the best people they can be. You don't need a fancy education for that. Unless you're really just training then up to become wage slave worker bees. Let them find the joys of life. Pity the 7 and 4 year old who have learnt such narrow minded views so young. Be the balance.

I wouldn't say anything to the parents. I'd just talk to your own kids about how they felt about the comments ? At that age they re prob not a bit bothered about private / comp school comparison.That's a parent thing. I d just focus on talking to kids about how to deal with overly competitive comments in general.

My kids have cousins that go to private schools - who brag about stuff here and there. Tbh you can hear in every one of the daft comments, it's just them repeating what their parents have told them about how lucky they are or attributing success they have , to the school they go to ( presumably to justify the eye watering fees ) .

I went to a private school - hated the place. Sent mine to the local school - they re doing fine.