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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't leave DH

102 replies

Coastalsad · 16/01/2022 06:31

He's depressed, doesn't work, no hobbies, no friends. I'm his whole world, he's very co dependent and needy. I'm at fault really, in an effort to shield him from stress I just take on responsibility.

I feel so lonely. We have no intimacy because I don't fancy him anymore, he doesn't look after his hygiene regularly. Brushes teeth once every few days, showers every few etc.

He'd kill himself if I left him. I tried to gently break up with him last month but he broke down and begged me to stay.

He's a very decent guy, loyal, generous, kind, not a bad bone in his body, it's just, over the years not addressing his depression he's slowly morphed into this sad, low, non-person. I've given up hope of it getting better.

I just needed to rant, thanks for reading.

OP posts:
whymewhyme · 16/01/2022 06:34

You really need to leave him, you can't stay with him if you done fancy him anymore, has he said he will kill himself? If so thats really manipulative. He need to get a job and stand on his own two feet and get a purpose.

WhalesTales · 16/01/2022 06:42

I stayed with someone who I was told would likely kill themselves if I left. Well eventually I did. He got himself a new gf in a matter of weeks. Obviously I didn't want him to kill himself but the whole thing made me so cross that I'd let that stop me for a year.

wildseas · 16/01/2022 06:42

Is he accessing support for his depression ? Medication, talking therapy? Is he doing gentle exercise, eating well, good sleep habits ?

If not i think that you could reasonably expect him to do those things if he doesn’t want you to leave. You might find that things improve.

MrsPotatoHead22 · 16/01/2022 06:47

You need to give him an ultimatum and a time frame. If he wants to keep you, he'll work towards that.

Gardenfish · 16/01/2022 06:47

Op really sorry I've been there. I ended up leaving. It was the only way. I carried on paying the mortgage and bills until we sold the flat. Whilst I rented a room before moving back with my parents.

You don't owe your happiness to that person. Life's too short. And, you will only lose more and more respect for them.

Totally moved on now. Husband and daughter.

Original poster
Coastalsad · 16/01/2022 06:51

He hasn't threatened it at all, it's my belief - he's so unhappy and lost.

He doesn't leave the house unless I'm with him, I try and go for walks with him so he gets out but I can't do this every day. He has a good sleep routine, goes to bed when I go, gets up when I get up. He has to be in the same room as me.

He's always said no to Doctors but last month he said he would go. He still hasn't made an appointment, ...should I make it for him?

OP posts:
YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators · 16/01/2022 07:02
Flowers I hear you. I've no real advice as I'm sure you know it inside out already, a groundhog day of turning it all over in your mind. Such a stuck, sad place. A massive burden of assumed responsibility for his wellbeing. It really isn't yours to carry; you know this. But how on earth do you put it down? I'm assuming you've already been down the avenue of seeking help and that this has not, for whatever reason, worked. Do your friends and family know how things are? Do you have any points of reference and anchorage in your life that can consistently reflect back to you, with clarity and kindness, that this is not your battle, despite your concern and good intentions? Is he close to his family? Would a family member be able to offer support in the event of you leaving? Do you have somewhere to go, were you to leave? Or would an announcement to leave just be the start of a long process of house sale, splitting of assets and securing new accommodation (all of which would give you so many opportunities to question your decision)? Wishing you clarity and courage, OP.
WonderWomansBoobs · 16/01/2022 07:02

This was me a few years back, and I like your description "a non-person" We have 3 dcs and I just felt so bad breaking up with him. Eventually I just told him it's over. This was the January. I met a few guys in between just for hookups (sex was non existent with ex) and when he found out (don't think he actually believed I'd broken up with him-he liked to Bury his head in the sand a lot) he actually found himself a gf! The was July. I made him move out in the September. Honestly if I'd known he'd find someone so quick I'd have done it years ago. I think some men are self preserving and will do what they need to make sure they're fine in the event of a break up. Just wish I'd known this sooner. Good luck x

camperqueen54 · 16/01/2022 07:04

My husband was depressed too but I gave him an ultimatum to start antidepressants or that would be it. He did and things are much better.

Livebythecoast · 16/01/2022 07:05

That sounds really difficult OP.

I agree with others, he has to help himself. Could you sit down with him and do an econsult (if your GP surgery offers them). They ask specific questions but you can free text too. That way he's giving the GP all the information before he speaks to the GP.
You can't live like this indefinitely as your mental health will suffer too.
It's so hard when someone you live with is depressed but if he actively seeks some help, things can improve.
As horrible as it is, an altimatum is the only way things will change - then its up to him what path he takes.
Flowers

AlDanvers · 16/01/2022 07:07

He isn't kind and generous. He has out all the responsibility for everything on to you and won't even get help. He has quite a nice life, doesn't work doesn't have to do anything really. And watches you do it all.

Pre-depression he may have been lovely. But he isn't now. And he is emotionally abusing you.

When we love someone with depression its so hard and we want to support them. But doing it to the point its impacting your own well being is counter productive for both you and them.

Gingerninja4 · 16/01/2022 07:23

This was me many years ago ,we split other reasons to .He could not be arsed with our DC either

Within a year he had remarried had more children and from what I know he is similar if not worse

Sometimes enough is enough especially if starting to drag you down to

Mindymomo · 16/01/2022 07:26

Please make a call to GP, they will probably phone first before actually seeing him in person.

NotTheGrinchAgain · 16/01/2022 07:34

This is a dreadful situation, I'm sorry OP. If he is that depressed, and won't seek help, then he will sink further EVEN IF you stay. He may then kill himself anyway, as he obviously needs more help than a partner can give.

I really wouldnt stay with him. I don't think it is doing either of you any favours. Tell him kindly but firmly, that things arent working out and it's over. Make definite plans to leave and don't waver.

His depression may be worse because he thinks things are headed towards you splitting up with him, and he's not helping himself deliberately to try and trap you into staying longer. That's cruel, and manipulative, and unfair on you. It is also not helping him move on.

This situation will not improve, I promise you.

GoodnightGrandma · 16/01/2022 07:40

He is not your responsibility. He will suck the life out of you if you stay.
My DH threatened to kill himself, and even told me how he’d do it, but I wasn’t going to be blackmailed.
He didn’t do it, and I didn’t capitulate to his threats.

Weenurse · 16/01/2022 07:41

One school Mum struggled with her mental health, and was able to lock herself away as her DH did everything..
Best thing for her when they split as she had to function 50% of the time for the DC. Was the beginning of her recovery.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/01/2022 07:49

You absolutely need to leave.

Is this what you want your whole life to be?

cherrypie66 · 16/01/2022 07:59

The only way to help him is to leave him. You are no good for him you are enabling this and stopping him getting the proper help. See it that way. Time to go separate ways.

Caterinasballerinas · 16/01/2022 08:01

I’d be tempted to make the appointment with him not for him. Issue the ultimatum that things have got to change, set out the life you want for you, what you’d love to see for him and ask what he wants. If you want the same there may be a chance of working together towards that. But if you don’t, at least you have tried.

TheAverageUser · 16/01/2022 08:02

He's the only one who can take responsibility for his mental health.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/01/2022 08:04

You only get one life OP- don’t let him dictate yours and drag it down. He’s a grown up it’s his responsibility

MintMatchmaker · 16/01/2022 08:06

If he considered the impact he was having on you at all then minimally he would book himself a GP appointment and at least try to make things better.

I would not subject myself to a life of misery when he chooses to not make even a tiny bit of effort to help himself.

KO81 · 16/01/2022 08:18

I think an ultimatum might be in order, just to get him to the doctors. He’s said he’d go, and he owes it to you to go through with it.

Both of your lives are being wasted currently.

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/01/2022 08:28

If he kills himself that wouldn’t be your fault though. It sounds disgusting to have to sleep next to someone with such poor hygiene.

girlmom21 · 16/01/2022 08:30

Make him the appointment and tell him it's the dealbreaker.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves.