Can't leave DH

[Coastalsad]

He's depressed, doesn't work, no hobbies, no friends. I'm his whole world, he's very co dependent and needy. I'm at fault really, in an effort to shield him from stress I just take on responsibility.

I feel so lonely. We have no intimacy because I don't fancy him anymore, he doesn't look after his hygiene regularly. Brushes teeth once every few days, showers every few etc.

He'd kill himself if I left him. I tried to gently break up with him last month but he broke down and begged me to stay.

He's a very decent guy, loyal, generous, kind, not a bad bone in his body, it's just, over the years not addressing his depression he's slowly morphed into this sad, low, non-person. I've given up hope of it getting better.

I just needed to rant, thanks for reading.

Give him the ultimatum of getting help.

Drs appointment, medication and therapy.

If he doesn't do that then it's all on him.

Funnily enough once I gave DH a similar ultimatum he got a therapist and sorted himself out. Took me a long time to forgive him and also to undo the damage his behaviour had done to me.

@Coastalsad

He hasn't threatened it at all, it's my belief - he's so unhappy and lost.

He doesn't leave the house unless I'm with him, I try and go for walks with him so he gets out but I can't do this every day. He has a good sleep routine, goes to bed when I go, gets up when I get up. He has to be in the same room as me.

He's always said no to Doctors but last month he said he would go. He still hasn't made an appointment, ...should I make it for him?

If you want the chance (tiny) of things improving, yes make the appt and make him go

I feel so trapped.

No children, I was waiting until things got better - but he's just got worse. Years have passed and now I'm too old.

I've just mentioned to him about getting help, he said can I make a GP appointment for him and go with him. He's very upset now, saying he feels pathetic and weak.

I feel for him, even though I don't want to be with him - I don't know if that makes sense.

Are you happy to spend the rest of your life being his carer?

Can you afford for him to have therapy privately whilst on the NHS waiting list?

Make the appointment and go with him but if he doesn't then engage with therapy and meds then I'd leave.

If he did kill himself it wouldn't be your fault.
Is this how you see your future? Imagine the rest of your life with this person. What regrets would you have when you look back in 20 or 30 years?

"You can make the appointment, you can go with him." Hate to say he sounds like my ex. Totally abdicated from life, responsibility, everything. Manipulative and emotionally blackmailed me for years. Sorry OP but as long as you are there to take every burden, you will do so until he has wasted your life. HE needs to start taking responsibility.

How old are you OP?

@Coastalsad

I feel so trapped.

No children, I was waiting until things got better - but he's just got worse. Years have passed and now I'm too old.

I've just mentioned to him about getting help, he said can I make a GP appointment for him and go with him. He's very upset now, saying he feels pathetic and weak.

I feel for him, even though I don't want to be with him - I don't know if that makes sense.

Of course it makes sense. You've spent a lot of time waiting for him because you care about him. Not fancying him or seeing a long term future doesn't mean you'll stop caring about him.

This is very sad, but you need to give him an ultimatum now. Tell him he either goes to the doctor or you leave. Make the appointment with him, go to it with him if he wishes, support him all the way while he’s bothering to help himself, but nothing otherwise. Good luck to you both.

You are not helping him by staying with him. You are enabling him. Get out of this dead marriage as quickly as possible. Your husband has to learn to help himself. Don't waste another day.

Has he not worked for year?

Fucking hell if OP was a man posting that he wanted to leave his deeply depressed wife, I’m pretty sure that the replies would be quite different!

@PinkSyCo

Fucking hell if OP was a man posting that he wanted to leave his deeply depressed wife, I’m pretty sure that the replies would be quite different!

Not from me, they wouldn't be. Everyone, male or female, has to take responsibility in getting help for themselves. They can't just drag down everyone around them and expect their spouse to carry them through life.

Aquamarine1029 the man is seriously depressed. It’s an mental illness. He needs support. What are people not getting about that?

@PinkSyCo

Aquamarine1029 the man is seriously depressed. It’s an mental illness. He needs support. What are people not getting about that?

Why do you not get that the op is extremely unhappy in her marriage? She is not required to destroy her own mental health for someone, anyone, who refuses to help themselves.

Sorry to be blunt but you've already wasted the best years of your life on this man - he's not going to change and unless you go you'll waste the rest of your life being his Mummy stand-in.

How long has this been going on? Has he ever worked at all? Has he always been like this or did it come on suddenly and if so, why?

Why do you not get that the op is extremely unhappy in her marriage? She is not required to destroy her own mental health for someone, anyone, who refuses to help themselves.

I do get that, hence my first post.

OP has been supporting him for years and he has done nothing. That isn't acceptable. I have a DD who suffers from depression - she's nearly 19. She is working her arse off to be as well as she can be and live life as much as she can. She pushes herself and doesn't depend on other people to do everything for her. OP has done enough of the heavy lifting - it's time for her husband to step up or ship out.

@PinkSyCo

Aquamarine1029 the man is seriously depressed. It’s an mental illness. He needs support. What are people not getting about that?

This is Mumsnet. This is where women tell other women to leave their husbands if he farts because he's got IBS or because he played his PlayStation for an extra hour last night

Hi OP,

I'm in exactly the same situation, we have an 8 month old.

DP has not a single friend, no job, just sits and games, he is really depressed and would either harm himself or go back to drinking and drugs if I left so I can't leave but I want to, I'm utterly miserable, I've tried helping him and it doesn't work. I've checked out the relationship but I just can't leave

Sorry it's not advice but just wanted you to know I'm the same.

Coastalsad Often, a person with depression either cannot recognise the problem, or they're so low they can't imagine being better. Please make a doctor's appointment - tell them it's a matter of urgency that your husband is seen - and go with him, tell the GP exactly what has been doing on, how your husband has been neglecting himself, how everything is affecting you, etc. He can and will get better, with the correct and prompt help. Meanwhile, get support for your own sake, from friends and family. x

@Chuchali

Hi OP,

I'm in exactly the same situation, we have an 8 month old.

DP has not a single friend, no job, just sits and games, he is really depressed and would either harm himself or go back to drinking and drugs if I left so I can't leave but I want to, I'm utterly miserable, I've tried helping him and it doesn't work. I've checked out the relationship but I just can't leave

Sorry it's not advice but just wanted you to know I'm the same.

Of course you can leave, and having a child means you absolutely must leave. It is pure negligence to raise a child around that kind of horrible influence. Don't subject your child to this, it will taint their life forever.

His mental health doesn't trump yours.

He's making you anxious, unhappy, frightened he might hurt himself, scared to make a decision that is best for you just because it isn't one he will be happy with.

He won't proactively do one single thing just because it will make you happy. He wants you to facilitate both his misery and some very minor attempts at recovery, just enough that he can say he's trying. You cannot live like this.

You have decades and decades ahead of you. Is this the life you want to look back on at the end of it? Decades of this?

Please put yourself first.

And if you feel guilty remember that few people change while they have enablers around them and that's essentially what you've become now. That's the role he's cast you in and he's ground you down so much you're now just doing it.

Why is his mental health, happiness and wellbeing more important to you than your own is? I don't mean that in a snarky way, I genuinely think you need to think about why that is.

Oh bloody hell, op, he's been like this for years and hasn't even gone to the GP to get help? Why on earth not?

The relationship sounds restrictive and co-dependent. You can't fix him. You clearly aren't making him happy at the moment, even with everything you do for him.

I'd have separate counselling and make plans to leave. This half-life is no good to either of you.

@Coastalsad

I feel so trapped.

No children, I was waiting until things got better - but he's just got worse. Years have passed and now I'm too old.

I've just mentioned to him about getting help, he said can I make a GP appointment for him and go with him. He's very upset now, saying he feels pathetic and weak.

I feel for him, even though I don't want to be with him - I don't know if that makes sense.

It does make sense.

But sometimes it's too little too late.

He knows you want kids and we're waiting. But did nothing.

He saw you carry the mental and physical load. But did nothing.

He is only doing something now that his quite easy and comfortable life will be removed.

He isn't doing it to try and improve life for you. He is engaging is manipulative behaviour to try and make you stay. Despite him knowing the things he has taken from you. He wants to continue to do take.