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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't leave DH

102 replies

Coastalsad · 16/01/2022 06:31

He's depressed, doesn't work, no hobbies, no friends. I'm his whole world, he's very co dependent and needy. I'm at fault really, in an effort to shield him from stress I just take on responsibility.

I feel so lonely. We have no intimacy because I don't fancy him anymore, he doesn't look after his hygiene regularly. Brushes teeth once every few days, showers every few etc.

He'd kill himself if I left him. I tried to gently break up with him last month but he broke down and begged me to stay.

He's a very decent guy, loyal, generous, kind, not a bad bone in his body, it's just, over the years not addressing his depression he's slowly morphed into this sad, low, non-person. I've given up hope of it getting better.

I just needed to rant, thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/01/2022 08:33

You can’t heal him. You can’t save him. He MUST go to the GP. Make the appointment and take him if you want.
But you can leave. You may choose to stay but his mental health is not your responsibility and you can’t fix this.

RampantIvy · 16/01/2022 08:36

This is something I read on mumsnet recently : You are his wife not his social worker

You can't fix him. He needs to fix himself. Insist that he talks to his GP. I agree that you need to give him an ultimatum, but say that you will support him if he seeks help. This is no life for you.

felulageller · 16/01/2022 08:39

Take him to the doctor.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/01/2022 08:44

It sounds the lack of treatment for his depression is the deal breaker here?

So would you be happy with him, if the depression disappeared permanently?

Divebar2021 · 16/01/2022 08:44

I wouldn’t make the appointment for him but I’d give him the ultimatum and a timescale.

devildeepbluesea · 16/01/2022 08:47

This was me a few yea ago. DH was very depressed, had been for years and refused to get help.
When he eventually did, any love or respect I had for him had long since disappeared. So we split up and it was the best thing I did.
You’re not responsible for his mental health, however much you might think you are. If he won’t get help that would be it for me.

ElectraBlue · 16/01/2022 08:52

Yes you can leave him.

It is not your responsibility to make someone else happy.

He is not doing anything to address his depression. He is the only one who can take the right step to get help and sort his life out.

Don't waste your life with this man any longer.

Also, leaving him might give him the final push to actually do something about his issues.

Kooksadooks · 16/01/2022 08:56

Hey OP, I have been in a similar situation and send you love Flowers. You really have to put yourself and your mental health first, use that as a starting point and then make decisions from there.

dworky · 16/01/2022 08:57

You can & should leave him.

Taking on his adult responsibility is not helping him, I'm afraid.

Wiredforsound · 16/01/2022 09:11

This may be hard to hear, but you may be enabling him to stay like this because he has let you do the heavy lifting for so long that you’re used to shouldering this burden, and you’ve now found yourself in a very controlling relationship. Leaving might actually break the cycle and be the kick he needs to pick up the reins of his life again.

MimiDaisy11 · 16/01/2022 09:15

Breaking the co dependency could be good for both of you. Please leave. You really think in 5,10 years you’re still going to be like this? It’s not living. It’s existing.

GoodnightGrandma · 16/01/2022 09:30

When my `DH had MH problems I didn’t see how bad things were, because it slowly creeps up on you, you don’t see how bad it is and you always think that this isn’t bad enough to leave.
When I look back now I see that me and my kids shouldn’t have seen what we did, I should have told him to leave and sort himself out.

gunnersgold · 16/01/2022 09:35

Dragged him to thr doctors and get him some anti depressants! Get him well then you can leave !

gunnersgold · 16/01/2022 09:35

Tell him you will leave if he doesn't get some medication so he has no choice .

SarahBop · 16/01/2022 09:37

Maybe worth sitting him down, explaining how unhappy you are....and making it clear that he needs to get some help for his depression, because it is making you ill too. Obviously try not to guilt him, but make it clear it is important he gets help for himself because you have had enough.

Could you go to the doctors with him? Get some support in place?

I know it's difficult not to 'caretake' someone; we are all responsible for our own selves, but if he is genuinely so low with his mental health, that he is not brushing teeth etc...then yes, that is a big concern.

Once he is stronger, you can work on leaving. But at the moment I think you'll have to ride it out a bit with firm boundaries that he needs to try and get better.

Does he realise how unwell he is?

maddening · 16/01/2022 09:42

He does need to work on it, agree a plan on the basis that you will stay with him and work through it, and that if he does not do it you are out of there.

Mischance · 16/01/2022 09:48

My OH was depressed and anxious and I lived with it the whole of my life. It is very draining, so I am just sending you my sympathy.

Most women who were ill in this way would seek treatment - men seem to find that very hard.

Whybot · 16/01/2022 10:06

Yes I suggest make appointment for him , ask for face to face if possible. If not , accept phone consultation first , then after that’s achieved , book follow on face to face .

Keep doing this til he goes , maybe you ll need to do this a few times .
Offer to take him there , and even go in with him if nec .

Invite one or two friends round sometimes and leave him alone with them while you deal with something so they can see what he’s like and hopefully speak to him about getting help .

I booked first appointment, and 5 different people including Drs advised counselling and anti depressants. 5 years it took before he started help . Marriage saver, and he was a good Dad by the time the kids were teenagers .thank God .
Thinking of you .. hugs xx

pointythings · 16/01/2022 10:06

He has to take responsibility for his own health and wellbeing. You have to take responsibility for your own. That means you tell him to make a GP appointment and act on what comes out of that, you set a timescale for him to do that and if he doesn't, you initiate divorce proceedings. And you have to mean it.

You don't mention if you have DC, but if you do - how do you think they are affected by having their father around in that state and you carrying everything? What is that teaching them?

Nomoreporridge872 · 16/01/2022 10:20

My cousin stayed for years with her depressed partner with whom she had no healthy relationship because she was worried how he’d cope without her. She finally left and a few months on he’s lost lots of weight, is much happier, and is finally taking a bit of responsibility for himself. He’s off his medication too. For everyone’s sake she should have left years ago

BootsScootsAndToots · 16/01/2022 10:28

@girlmom21

Make him the appointment and tell him it's the dealbreaker.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves.

This.

Make the appointment for him, then it's up to him to walk through the door.

sst1234 · 16/01/2022 10:38

Leaving him might be your only option.

But it’s telling how if a man had written this, the replies would be to support the woman or else he is cruel.

Bluetrews25 · 16/01/2022 11:32

You can only put up with this for so long before it starts to drag you down too.
Flowers

ChristmasFluff · 16/01/2022 12:14

OP, he is an adult - he is responsible for his own self.

You are codependent. You do not know where you end and he begins. You think you are responsible for him. But he is not a child.

You are not helping him by enabling him - and mumsnetters are notoriously codependent and will tell you to make his appointment, and take him there and make sure he takes his meds and and and. But he's not 10 years old!

Yes, if you end it, he may choose to kill himself. His choice. Not an inevitable consquence of your leaving.

Bananalanacake · 16/01/2022 12:23

When did he last work, is he going to look for work? does he expect you to pay for everything.