Can't leave DH

[Coastalsad]

He's depressed, doesn't work, no hobbies, no friends. I'm his whole world, he's very co dependent and needy. I'm at fault really, in an effort to shield him from stress I just take on responsibility.

I feel so lonely. We have no intimacy because I don't fancy him anymore, he doesn't look after his hygiene regularly. Brushes teeth once every few days, showers every few etc.

He'd kill himself if I left him. I tried to gently break up with him last month but he broke down and begged me to stay.

He's a very decent guy, loyal, generous, kind, not a bad bone in his body, it's just, over the years not addressing his depression he's slowly morphed into this sad, low, non-person. I've given up hope of it getting better.

I just needed to rant, thanks for reading.

I have been there OP. I left a few months ago and its like a weight has been lifted. Honestly, if you stay he'll drag you down. Your mental health is important too.

I've had mental health issues my whole life with a supportive partner.

Its so easy to get into a fug and not realise what state you have let yourself get into. If your leaving pushes him to breaking point, he may well seek support.

Anything you can both afford in the meantime for support by way of therapy or a residential facility is better than death. Shoving him off to a doctor and telling him to follow steps for better mental health even if he doesnt feel happy. Go out and be miserable at the cinema, go for a walk every day and hate it every day. Volunteer your time to help other people. Eat well, drink well.

The guidelines for good mental health are there and very clear.

You cannot be all he lives for, its not living.

Your life is your own. His needs, health or happiness is not more important than yours. I would leave. You have wasted so many years putting up with this, why waste any more?

It's not your job to make him feel better. He is absolutely not entitled to rely on you like this. You have every right to leave and pursue your own happiness.

He's admitted he's entirely codependant upon me and feels he's lost himself.

I still feel the best option is to separate but he's begged me to stay. GP appointment is booked.

I've turned down invites out and a new job offer because I have nothing left for myself.

I want him to get better so I can breathe again. If I left, he really wouldn't eat or drink. The last time I asked for some time to myself he drove to a lay-by 2 miles away for 6 hours. Looked like hell when he came home.

I think he has undiagnosed autism, he can't help not being able to function. Thanks for the replies here and for listening to me vent, it has helped, just being heard.

Sorry if you’ve already answered this but where are his family in all of this?

So yiu ask for alone time and he drives off coming back looking a state. So you had alone time. But it was all based around him again. You worried for him. He came back and needed you to look after him even more because he was in a state.

Whether he has autism or not isn't the point. He is killing you and manages to make everything all about him everytime you try and talk about your needs?

@Divebar2021

Sorry if you’ve already answered this but where are his family in all of this?

His mum has learning difficulties and is no support, and he isn't in touch with anyone else.

I'm all he has.

You cannot waste your life propping him up. He needs professional help and he needs to invest in getting better and staying well himself.

I know its difficult for you both but something has to give or you will be sick.

You can stay in his home but for the love of god dont let it stop you in your friendships, interests and your work.

The best thing you can do for him is to show him how to live a vibrant life. There is more than being stuck and moping at home.

If you don't leave, at least live.

He would eat and drink. He’d die very quickly otherwise.

Your wasting your life.

What at @PigeonLittle said

Absolutely great advice

Does he do anything?

Cool, clean, laundry, shop?

*cook

You can leave.

Only you're letting the guilt rule your head and putting his needs before your own. So you stay for all the wrong reasons.

He's not your problem to solve.

Why are you infantilising this man? He won't deal with his depression and won't talk to his GP. You can take a horse to water... Have enough self worth to leave.

I think the way to do it is what I did eventually with my ex is that you have to manage the move out - I found a bedsit for him, I moved all his stuff, he still comes round to see the children and is involved and just lives on benifits but is quite stable and is not worse. He still talks about suicide but it never quite materialised.
I wish I had done it sooner I was in my late 40's when he moved out and I regret letting it drag on so long.

It seems like most posters are in agreement with me. You need to leave him. You cannot fix him and you are not responsible for anything he does or does not do. I used to work with suicidal people and one of the first things we were taught is that you as an outsider are not responsible for someone else's actions. Save yourself OP.

Firstly, I'm sorry things aren't going great for you. I want to be really careful in what I say as I'm not in your situation and never have been. So take this with a grain of salt.
To me it appears the main point of importance is whether you're likely to regain romantic feelings for him if he sorts himself out. I've always found that once they're gone they're gone. If you think you could, then doing as others have suggested and giving him an ultimatum may work out in time. If not then your really don't have any choice but to leave him. It's not your fault that he's depressed and it's not your job to stay and support him.
Ultimately we are all only responsible for ourselves.
You could always leave him and gradually reduce the amount of support you provide. Although your under no obligation to do that and it might confuse things.
I hope you work it all out. All the best!

My ex kept moaning about killing himself, then he started moaning at me to kill myself, then he started talking about killing me.

he refused to set foot near a doctor, he convinced himself they would force him to take anti depressents and that they turn you into a zombie, then he convinced himself he would be locked up in a loony bin.

he was abusive, threatening, paranoid and rapey, he blamed me for everything and was mad as hell at me or he switched a full 180 and declared he was a horrible person who doesnt deserve me boo hoo woe is me sob sob.

the constant blame and the fact my opinion thoughts and feelings meant jack shit and were completely ignored or ridiculed meant I ended up getting brainwashed into being trapped and feeling responsible for all of it and resigned myself to death, if he was going to kill me he was going to kill me, my fault for dating him in the first place.

needless to say he is still alive and so am I, 5 years after breaking up and he refuses to acknowledge doing anything wrong, denies his threats of suicide etc, strangely he does admit the death threats but claims they were just words and I am stupid for taking it all so seriously.

he immediately got a new girlfriend but seeing as he still lives in a shard house with strangers and is a lonely sad sack I assume she spotted the red flags and ran and he hasnt managed to catch any other idiot since.

just go op, set an ultimatum either he goes to the doctor or you are walking and he can look after himself.

as my ex's mother said to me once, if he kills himself he kills himself its nothing to do with you and theres nothing you can do about it.

The sitting in a layby and coming back 'looking like hell' sounds very manipulative to me.

Only he can sort himself out. If he wants to do it, he will. Help is available at the end of a phone . If he can talk to you he can talk to a doctor.

If he doesn't want to help himself, then you can't help him even if you want to. So wanting to help him, trying to help him is completely pointless.

What you need to do is to help yourself. Noone else is going to do that, least of all your husband. He doesn't even see you as a person, he only sees you as a service. Reclaim energies, and sort your own life out.

What you're saying could end up amounting to 'I am willing to sacrifice my own life and happiness for him, because I believe I am less important than him, and I will be guilty if I leave him'. You should think about this, because that is what will happen if you stay.

Sacrifice - what would you say to another woman in the same situation?

He is not your responsibility, it won't be your doing if he does not thrive without you. All one human being can really do is support someone else, nobody can live their life for someone else.

I think drawing up a plan, with a time frame, and presenting it to him as non negotiable is the only way to go.

1. GP appointment. He is to take what is offered.
2. Contact Mind or Sane to see if there is a local support group. If there is he is to go x times ( he might hate it so if you write in 3,4 or 5 times that limits it but also gives it a chance)
3. Self care. He agrees to shower, shave, clean teeth daily.
4. Exercise plan. Walk for 20 minutes per day ( can be extended)

I hope things improve, he does sound poorly.

I would be giving him a timetable for his day.

Cooking, laundry, housework all to be done independently.

Sounds like he brings nothing but worry and misery to your life.

Your mental health matters too. You need to leave him if he won't help himself

@PigeonLittle

You can stay in his home but for the love of god dont let it stop you in your friendships, interests and your work.

The best thing you can do for him is to show him how to live a vibrant life. There is more than being stuck and moping at home.

If you don't leave, at least live.

I do appreciate the replies and advice, I'm listening to it all - if a friend was in the same situation, I would be gently suggesting to leave too - I just feel I can't. I can't make things harder for him, he's so sad. He's never grumpy as such, just sad. And lost.

PigeonLittle your post really resonated with me. If I feel I can't leave, I should still live. I've made some plans with friends, booked a movie, an exhibition trip and a day hiking - maybe I've sunk down alongside him and me living more will help both of us.

The GP appointment is this week; I think anxiety medication would be a life changer for him. He also has a mental health assessment booked after I sent a self-referral on his behalf late last night. Their phone call back was very quick, he's said he will try anything to feel better and save us. Time will tell. This thread has been so helpful, thank you.