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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found the perfect way to get people out of my house

131 replies

Iwasonline · 16/01/2022 06:05

DS1 had a small, at home birthday party yesterday. The party was almost done and guests were about to have birthday cake.

DS1, just turned five, ran into the room and in a loud and clear voice announces.... "everybody, once you've eaten your cake the party has finished and you have to go."

Amused and mortified. Aibu to actually be kinda proud at his clear boundaries? Grin made me laugh. disclaimer. We are at the very early stages of autism diagnosis

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 16/01/2022 12:21

He sounds great (I have one with asd too, I love these quirks).
I might copy him, ‘Leave now please I don’t want to be near you anymore’ Grin

honeylulu · 16/01/2022 12:38

@aSofaNearYou

I don't think I said it wasn't rude. I meant it was more subtle than that because it's about perceptions of the individual, some of which are based on societal expectations, some of which are based on bare logic. I agree that many people might perceive a statement like "it's time you left" to be rude even if the deliverer perceived it to be factual rather than rude.

My post did explain that I have worked on helping my ND child with what society expects and he no longer slams doors as people are leaving! But similarly I don't think it does any harm to bear in mind that some people might rely on social politeness to get away unchallenged with CF behaviour. From time to time it may be appropriate to set aside social niceties and make clear you aren't a doormat. Also a useful skill to learn!

aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2022 12:58

[quote honeylulu]@aSofaNearYou

I don't think I said it wasn't rude. I meant it was more subtle than that because it's about perceptions of the individual, some of which are based on societal expectations, some of which are based on bare logic. I agree that many people might perceive a statement like "it's time you left" to be rude even if the deliverer perceived it to be factual rather than rude.

My post did explain that I have worked on helping my ND child with what society expects and he no longer slams doors as people are leaving! But similarly I don't think it does any harm to bear in mind that some people might rely on social politeness to get away unchallenged with CF behaviour. From time to time it may be appropriate to set aside social niceties and make clear you aren't a doormat. Also a useful skill to learn![/quote]
I agree that it's good to be aware you shouldn't allow CFery out of politeness, but on here people seem to take that so far they advocate being blatantly rude to people who aren't doing anything wrong, cue everyone patting each other on the back about how much better that is. It's perfectly possible to put your foot down when people are being unreasonable, but still express yourself politely the rest of the time.

onthegrindbaby · 16/01/2022 13:26

The snag is in the word conventional social standards. Conventional as in normal for neurotypical people is deeply uncomfortable for many autistic people. It is a minefield of learning nonsensical and contradictory rules, monitoring what others are expecting from you and keeping your opinion and natural mode of communication suppressed all the time. And then often still having your motives questioned and being labelled rude, because you just do not communicate with the verbal ease that underlies so much of what is considered "conventional".

I hope in the future we will be able to find a modus of communicating across that double empathy divide that accomodates everybody and the way that they communicate, as long as people are kind in their intentions.

aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2022 14:38

@onthegrindbaby

The snag is in the word conventional social standards. Conventional as in normal for neurotypical people is deeply uncomfortable for many autistic people. It is a minefield of learning nonsensical and contradictory rules, monitoring what others are expecting from you and keeping your opinion and natural mode of communication suppressed all the time. And then often still having your motives questioned and being labelled rude, because you just do not communicate with the verbal ease that underlies so much of what is considered "conventional".

I hope in the future we will be able to find a modus of communicating across that double empathy divide that accomodates everybody and the way that they communicate, as long as people are kind in their intentions.

I think for many on this thread the key focus is understanding people that are not NT. That's fair enough but not the point I was focused on. What irks me is the amount of people that always fall over themselves to say that the thing in question is not only not at all rude, but actually a better way to behave. NT or not NT doesn't really come into that.

I don't think there is anything nonsensical about "rules" that dictate you don't phrase things in a manner that makes people aware that you are not enjoying them or their company, especially if you have invited them over and they are not doing anything wrong. I think those are very sensible social standards. I agree that they might be challenging for people that are not NT and NT people could do with being understanding of that, but what I do not think is that those rules are silly and arbitrary and there is absolutely nothing rude about being that blunt with people, which is what many on here suggest.

Imayhaveerred · 16/01/2022 14:39

@CaptainMyCaptain

My daughter was invited to a friend's house for a gathering between 4 and 7. She assumed it meant come and go between those hours and turned up at 4.45 because she had an appointment. The host told her she was late then at 7 stood up and thanked everyone for coming and got their coats. No autism, as far as I know, but from an Eastern European country so maybe its a thing there. Maybe it's just her.
In period movies invitations sometimes say “carriages at Xpm” which is surely just the upper-class way of saying the same thing?

I’ve read the replies from people who find it rude but I’m still Team OP’s Son.

aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2022 15:00

In period movies invitations sometimes say “carriages at Xpm” which is surely just the upper-class way of saying the same thing?

Well no, it's the same as putting it on the invite. The same thing here would be pointedly reminding them of it towards the end of the party.

whysoserious123 · 16/01/2022 15:07

Absolute legend !

PinkSyCo · 16/01/2022 15:17

I love your son! Come, eat cake, go sounds like the perfect visit out to me.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 16/01/2022 15:28

How much do you charge to hire him out and is it too late to book him for 10.00 p.m. tonight?

My father used to say "Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee? Hats and coats?"

One of the last full sentences he said before he died!

Curlyreine · 16/01/2022 15:42

@BigSandyBalls2015

Reminds me of my nephew at that age … blowing the candles out on his cake. Make a wish …. “I wish everyone would go home” Grin
This made me laugh
Lavender24 · 16/01/2022 15:45

Haha I love this so much!

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 16/01/2022 15:48

i have 2 with asd(any many more each)

thy have zero filter and dont give a shit if they offend you

ive had some whoppers with them over the years
especially on their opinion on how schools are prisons(we home educate)when adults poke their noses in when we have been out and about

DustyMaiden · 16/01/2022 15:52

My DS is autistic. I love his bluntness. A bully was mocking him for holding my hand when he was five.
He looked puzzled and asked the bully
“When was it you became deluded enough to think your opinion is of any consequence to me?”

thecatsthecats · 16/01/2022 15:57

I wish it was acceptable to just say that you want people to leave/leave.

My husband worked himself up about the fact that I made an excuse and left a family get together after THREE HOURS. But later admitted that after I'd left half the rest of the people took it as an acceptable cue to make their own polite excuses and go.

I consider myself as a great liberator as a result!

Snowdropsinourforest · 16/01/2022 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

BloodyDamsons · 16/01/2022 16:03

When was it you became deluded enough to think your opinion is of any consequence to me?”

The number of times I’ve thought this and not said it…

FreeFrenchHens · 16/01/2022 16:13

He's 5, it's fine. As he gets older you can work in more flexible thinking - what happens if you're running late so people have to stay after 12 to get their cake, or one of his friends' parents is running late? The last thing they'd need is him telling friends they have to go now when they can't control their parents turning up. You have years ahead for him to develop that, with your help, and it's all part of him learning to cope when things go awry.

I remember my daughter at age 2 would go and put her shoes on when she'd had enough and wanted to leave.

grooveonthemove · 16/01/2022 16:21

I found the perfect way to get people off the phone (when they rang me) and are still rabbiting on when I'm trying to get things done:

'Ohh listen to me waffling on, I'm so sorry - I'll let you go now as I'm sure you've got a busy day... bye!'

Works a treat Wink

Original poster
Iwasonline · 16/01/2022 16:56

Second party today and he tried another strategy. Handing out party bags....Blush we stopped him on this one but the impact was the same and got people moving. Today was his brothers party

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 16/01/2022 17:21

@grooveonthemove

I found the perfect way to get people off the phone (when they rang me) and are still rabbiting on when I'm trying to get things done:

'Ohh listen to me waffling on, I'm so sorry - I'll let you go now as I'm sure you've got a busy day... bye!'

Works a treat Wink

I use this when the cleaner arrives. She doesn't seem to get that I'm wfh, and can't just chat.

When I have guests who've outstayed their welcome, I do a variation of getting up and doing something whilst saying, "I do apologise but I must get this done before dinner". (then stop immediately when they leave)

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/01/2022 17:58

@DustyMaiden

My DS is autistic. I love his bluntness. A bully was mocking him for holding my hand when he was five. He looked puzzled and asked the bully “When was it you became deluded enough to think your opinion is of any consequence to me?”
Brilliant!

I must memorise this phrase.

mustlovegin · 16/01/2022 18:31

I would love to do what your DS did sometimes OP Grin

Mucky1 · 16/01/2022 23:21

Made me think of this

vm.tiktok.com/ZMLehoTgv/

TylluanBach · 16/01/2022 23:30

It's not a 'filter' if you're used to your own space. It's basic truth.