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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Found the perfect way to get people out of my house

131 replies

Iwasonline · 16/01/2022 06:05

DS1 had a small, at home birthday party yesterday. The party was almost done and guests were about to have birthday cake.

DS1, just turned five, ran into the room and in a loud and clear voice announces.... "everybody, once you've eaten your cake the party has finished and you have to go."

Amused and mortified. Aibu to actually be kinda proud at his clear boundaries? made me laugh. disclaimer. We are at the very early stages of autism diagnosis

OP posts:

Laiste · 16/01/2022 08:01

ha! I remember when BIL and his wife bought our niece to our house for the first time. She about 3 iirc.

Adults all settled down with coffee, DN mooched about the house exploring. About 10 minutes she later came into the room with her shoes and coat back on and announced she'd seen everything and it was time to go

OiYouGetOffMyCloud · 16/01/2022 08:02

@Goldandguns

I love this 😁 my in laws video call from abroad regularly and when my 2 year old has had enough she just shouts "BYEEEE" and the call ends soon after that. I adore them but I find video calls quite draining!

This! My 2.5DD states ‘time to go now, bye!’ And walks off from zoom calls when she’s done. I only wish I could get her to do it earlier…

EishetChayil · 16/01/2022 08:03

I don't find rude children amusing, personally.

onthegrindbaby · 16/01/2022 08:04

My 11yo autistic DS has learned to be a bit more subtle. Yesterday he said to his friend: "You've been here since 11 - that's a very long time, isn't it?"

I agree to let the boy be and not teach him too many rules by rote. It can get very overwhelming having to remember what to you seem illogical rules and as many autistic people tend to take thinks literally sometimes quite confusing when rules contradict or aren't meant to be applied in each situation.

Focussing on teaching him about his own and other people's boundaries and feelings is I think more productive. Then he learns to do the right thing starting from his own emotional and analytical process, rather than some random superimposed rules.

TheVanguardSix · 16/01/2022 08:05

Good on your boy! He'd had a great day but it was finished and he let everyone know. He needed to just put the day away and decompress and he called it! Brilliant! It's really important to allow our autistic children to say, "I've had my fill." Otherwise they get stressed and overwhelmed.

Let's face it. The majority of society is broken and wobbly because we don't know when to say, "It's too much. I've reached maximum level." We're not allowed to. Raising an autistic child has taught me, a total people pleaser, how to draw lines in the sand. We spend so much time teaching our children manners (really important) but boundary setting is just as important. People are the spectrum are good at boundary setting.
Happy birthday to your boy!

itsgettingweird · 16/01/2022 08:08

My ds is autistic.

He's 17 now but his clear boundaries and sticking to the rules has certainly had its benefits over the years!

itsgettingweird · 16/01/2022 08:13

All the threads on here hand wrangling over how to get guests who outstay their welcome to leave.

A child has the confidence to set clear boundaries about when the party ends and they are rude.

Sometimes this place is so contradictory.

Obviously you want to refine how it's said but is certainly think cake was the ending of a party.

AFingerofFudge · 16/01/2022 08:15

@Iwasonline

Unfortunately he has very strong personal boundaries but zero respect for other peoples boundaries. We are holding his boundaries strong - which is a huge weakness in my family - whilst teaching him that he needs to listen to others.

You'll always know what he is thinking. Good and bad. Apparently my bottom is also getting bigger

This sounds like my DS2, who is now 19. At birthday parties when he was younger, he'd open his presents and say loudly, "I'm going to make 2 piles, ones I want, and ones I don't want" and pick up each present, consider it, then put it on an allocated pile

And yes, he also used to poke me in the stomach and say "ah mummy, you are losing some of your fatness"

SuperSleepyBaby · 16/01/2022 08:15

I teach my son - who has autism - about the socially acceptable way to behave - but i often find it hard to explain the logic.

Ever since he heard about God he is a committed atheist. He goes to a catholic school as we are in Ireland and all the nearby schools are religious. When the teacher is teaching religion he used to point out that he thought it was all made up and the school shouldn’t be forcing beliefs on people!

He has learnt now to keep quiet - and think whatever he likes in his head. He knows the teacher doesn’t expect him to agree with it and doesn’t mind if he is an atheist.

He asks why should he stay quiet about his beliefs so as not to upset other people - while those same people are teaching him their beliefs

TheVanguardSix · 16/01/2022 08:15

I just wanted to add...

What I did to help DS 'soften' his verbal boundary setting was to teach him the results of his actions. ASD people are so good at understanding consequences, i.e. "If I do X, then Y can happen and Z might become sad if I do X. So I'll do W instead because W is a kinder approach. I don't want to sadden my friend Z."

So when he started school and was out there in the world socialising, he learned that it was still totally ok to be himself and say, "It's time to go (inside his brain is telling him 'ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY')." But he learned that HOW he said things affected his friends' feelings. So, now, at 7, he'll say, "I'd like to go home now. I'm really tired. I had a really great time, Fred, but I'm going to go now. I really loved your guinea pigs." It's really kind and honest! Fred doesn't mind.

School is brilliant because they really learn how other children react to what they say and do and they learn to tailor their responses accordingly without losing the essence of what they need to express, if that makes sense.

ANameChangeAgain · 16/01/2022 08:16

From the mouths of babes 🙂
When I was a similar age we had elderly relatives smoking in the living room. No one dared say anything (it was the 70s). Apparently I went up to them and told them we don't allow smoking in this house. They spluttered, apologised and put out their cigarettes.

Original poster

Iwasonline · 16/01/2022 08:17

@EishetChayil hard to explain without you seeing it, but he was polite in his announcement. His usual response would be hiding under a chair. And in truth, he was correct, it was the end of the allocated party time

@onthegrindbaby yes a major challenge. He struggles to identify his emotions and goes from over the top happy to rage. Sometimes he is also sad and nervous. He struggles to identify those feelings in others and also finds it hard to manage his own.

OP posts:

UserBot314159 · 16/01/2022 08:19

Ha ha, what a public service!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 16/01/2022 08:21

Reminds me of my nephew at that age … blowing the candles out on his cake. Make a wish …. “I wish everyone would go home”

RampantIvy · 16/01/2022 08:22

If more people were as straight talking mumsnet would be very boring. There would be no posts from people trying to second guess other people's motives, no posts from parents complaining that they have been invited to a child free wedding in a remote destination or abroad because they would have said "no, we aren't coming", no posts from people trying to get rid of guests who have outstayed their welcome etc.

😁

EIIa · 16/01/2022 08:27

Rude kids are a pain and mine were too shy to be rude when they were younger.

But The thing is ..... autistic people can be really Vulnerable just through gullibility- so if anything, it’s actually more important for them (us😂) to have firm boundaries.

My son is also autistic but he has absolutely internalised the behaviour around not hurting people’s feelings so he’s gone from
Saying things like “you’re getting kind of fat mummy” aged 5 to “how dare you! You’re not fat! You are perfect” etc.

He used to be The Best critic of an outfit but he has refined his manners and just isn’t as
Honest any more 😭😭😭

TeddySteady · 16/01/2022 08:28

When I was a student, my flatmate and I had a small party and her brother was going to be staying the night with us. Looking back, he possibly had ASD or another condition as he seemed to struggle in social situations, but I don’t think I even knew what that was then.
He was going to be bedding down on a sofa and around 11pm, just when the party was starting to take off, he suddenly announced to the guests crowded into our living room, ‘Right, I want to get to bed so I’ll need you to be on your way soon’. How to kill a party, I was fuming at his cheek!

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 16/01/2022 08:29

Sorry @Iwasonline, I am not meaning to have a go at you, but you say he is DS1, is he your first born, or have you got an older daughter? I ask because the things he has said so far are things that any reasonably bright 5 year old would come out with.

One of mine when he was 4, and NT, said on stage at a holiday resort "I didn't expect to see so many ordinary people". I must have gone bright red in the audience, but I wasn't brave enough to stand up and tell them that what he meant was that he hadn't expected to see so many people not in fancy dress, as the children on stage were in fancy dress, but the audience weren't.

Up until the ages of about 8 to 10 year olds, you can expect any child to come out with very funny things, that can make us parents squirm with embarrassment, and most of the things that really embarrass us are things that they have overheard us say previously!

CrackerGal · 16/01/2022 08:31

That's hilarious, good boy 😂

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 16/01/2022 08:31

When my niece was about 4 we had a 60th bday party for my mum . After the speeches and present giving etc the cake came out
" yay now we can eat the cake at last!" She hollered
Let's face it , we were all thinking it !

MrsLargeEmbodied · 16/01/2022 08:38

the day after we got married we were in dm house with the family and dd (18 months) kept putting on her coat

Autismandgin · 16/01/2022 08:41

I wish I was like this. Autistic and a people pleaser

Original poster

Iwasonline · 16/01/2022 08:44

@TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek ask away. I appreciate it.

The jury is out on whether is autism currently. To balance it out, he has kicked his occupational therapist and was biting and headbutting me in the doctors room last week. He can be violent and flits between sensory seeking and over stimulated. I agree, he is very bright though.

I have the two boys. He is my eldest. The other is twelve months younger

OP posts:

LemonLimelight · 16/01/2022 08:46

I don't get why it's rude. I'm worried I may have said something similar now. (I do score borderline on autism tests I've done online but took that to mean I'm NT). What exactly is rude about it can someone explain? Can the same message be conveyed but in softer language? Or is it because a child said it? As an adult I've definitely said similar things at my children's birthday parties, I've thought of it as warning them how long is left but I'm also saying it with relief and the hope they'll prepare to leave.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/01/2022 08:50

I think it is quite normal for 5 year olds to be blunt like that and not necessarily an indication of autism. My grandchildren all came out with things like that at one time but developed filters eventually.

Good for him, I say. We should all be a little more like that.

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