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AIBU?

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Original poster

Found the perfect way to get people out of my house

131 replies

Iwasonline · 16/01/2022 06:05

DS1 had a small, at home birthday party yesterday. The party was almost done and guests were about to have birthday cake.

DS1, just turned five, ran into the room and in a loud and clear voice announces.... "everybody, once you've eaten your cake the party has finished and you have to go."

Amused and mortified. Aibu to actually be kinda proud at his clear boundaries? Grin made me laugh. disclaimer. We are at the very early stages of autism diagnosis

OP posts:
Restart10 · 16/01/2022 09:51

@EishetChayil

I don't find rude children amusing, personally.
Same here. Or I would have thought he repeated this after hearing his parents. Not amusing or cute.
itsgettingweird · 16/01/2022 09:55

@aSofaNearYou

It is funny OP but I always find these threads a bit painful as so many people wade in trying to argue that it isn't a rude thing to do.

It definitely is a rude thing to do. Not shocking for a 5yo but yes, rude. I hate the trend of trying to excuse everything like this as "boundaries", there are ways to have boundaries without being rude.

Can you explain why it's rude to set the expectation to guests of when it's time for them to leave your house?

Why do they get to decide the ending of a party they are invited to?

I would have thought it rude once in a while but raising an autistic kid has taught me that social norms allow others to dictate your happiness at times. It's ok to dictate to others in your space what you'll accept from them.

SavBbunny · 16/01/2022 09:55

@honeylulu
Very funny.
I have a number of ND relatives and we get on splendid. I'm blunt (not ASD).
My daughter (18) comes into the sitting room, looks at the house guest then bogs off if she doesn't like them. I find it ok as long as she says hello.

Shodan · 16/01/2022 09:56

My friend's son (late teens) is autistic and prefaces every initial conversation with "I'm autistic and don't pick up social cues. If I'm talking too long or you need to go and do something else, please just tell me. I won't mind and my feelings won't get hurt." He's amazing (and I've never had to tell him to stop- his knowledge on some topics is fascinating)

My dad used to have a set time and routine for our Boxing Day visits. 2.5 hours from start to finish. One cup of tea and a mince pie after lunch and present opening. Any requests for a further cuppa were met with a look of incredulity and "ANOTHER one?? But you're leaving soon, won't you need the loo on the way home?" Grin. I miss him.

aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2022 09:59

*Can you explain why it's rude to set the expectation to guests of when it's time for them to leave your house?

Why do they get to decide the ending of a party they are invited to?

I would have thought it rude once in a while but raising an autistic kid has taught me that social norms allow others to dictate your happiness at times. It's ok to dictate to others in your space what you'll accept from them.*

They don't get to decide when they leave, but good manners means saying things nicely. It's not black and white like the simplistic response of "he's just setting boundaries" implies.

I'm not saying it isn't understandable that he doesn't have that skill yet, but it is frustrating when people try and claim that objectively it isn't rude to be that blunt with people.

MintyGreenDream · 16/01/2022 10:00

Do you take bookings? I'm v interested pm me

aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2022 10:01

I wouldn't invite someone to my house and bluntly tell them "but I want you gone by x". Because it would be rude.

I would phrase it more politely.

Restart10 · 16/01/2022 10:05

It's rude because they were about to have cake, not that they stayed 30 minutes after cake. It probably made people feel awkward. It wasn't funny or cute.

RampantIvy · 16/01/2022 10:06

When DD was a primary school she used to go and play at a friend's house. She was always given a specific start and end time, so her friend would say "you can come to my house between 2pm and 4pm".

I live next door to this girl's grandparents, and her grandmother has told me that she thinks that her daughter is on the spectrum. The girl's brother is on the spectrum, and has had a proper diagnosis.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 16/01/2022 10:07

[quote MondayYogurt]Reminds me of this twitter.com/asiankopite/status/1480124203449954304?s=21[/quote]
Thank you! That clip is a joy. The father's expressions, the amazing spread of food, and how much the boy cares for his mother.

KindleAndCake · 16/01/2022 10:12

@EishetChayil but they're not rude children!

MrsLargeEmbodied · 16/01/2022 10:28

lovely boy in that twitter clip

Ffsmakeitstop · 16/01/2022 10:43

At secondary school my DD had a friend with Asperger's (sorry if it's not called that any more) I was once waiting outside the classroom to see the teacher and the kids came past. She shouted at the top of her voice "oh Mary's mum you haven't shaved your legs they look awful" I just said "thank you Jill I'll deal with it later but I was mortified.

Original poster
Iwasonline · 16/01/2022 11:27

Reading this discussion has really made me think. Since having him, I've wondered if I am also autistic. I gave him a cuddle and said in front of everyone "you're right. Parties often finish after cake. And if you look at the clock it's 11.55. We put on the invites that the party ends at 12" Blush I have a feeling I was rude! Didn't even realise it until I read this thread.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2022 11:51

@Iwasonline

Reading this discussion has really made me think. Since having him, I've wondered if I am also autistic. I gave him a cuddle and said in front of everyone "you're right. Parties often finish after cake. And if you look at the clock it's 11.55. We put on the invites that the party ends at 12" Blush I have a feeling I was rude! Didn't even realise it until I read this thread.
I don't think there was anything rude about your response OP, it would have just come across like you were trying to rationalise his words and make it sound like he wasn't just wishing they would leave.
MrsSkylerWhite · 16/01/2022 11:52

Brilliant Smile

honeylulu · 16/01/2022 11:55

I think the people saying "rude" are those who aren't ND and/or don't have an ND child. Those of us who do can also see it from that perspective and that it's more nuanced than rude/not rude.

With my son we had to teach and explain to him that there is a social rubric in place and it helps things flow more smoothly (not just for others but for you) if you apply at least some of it.

So, when the visit is over you might think saying goodbye and shutting the door is appropriate but over the centuries there is a learned expectation that you will stay at the open door until your guest reaches the end of the path and have a final wave. Its meaning is supposed to signify that you have enjoyed their company. Slamming the door might indicate that you are angry or dislike the person. When this was explained my son then "got it".

It also made me think that so many of society's little ways are a bit fake! The pointlessness of small talk and yes sometimes you are glad when a guest leaves your house! It's not a bad thing to appreciate that in order to consider what boundaries you might want to set for yourself, politely of course lol!

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2022 11:56

Aww bless him, he's only just turned 5 and no matter what the eventual diagnosis is, lots of 4 and 5 year olds are still learning you shouldn't always say out loud, what you're thinking in your head.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/01/2022 12:01

My daughter was invited to a friend's house for a gathering between 4 and 7. She assumed it meant come and go between those hours and turned up at 4.45 because she had an appointment. The host told her she was late then at 7 stood up and thanked everyone for coming and got their coats. No autism, as far as I know, but from an Eastern European country so maybe its a thing there. Maybe it's just her.

persephone19 · 16/01/2022 12:12

@honeylulu

I think the people saying "rude" are those who aren't ND and/or don't have an ND child. Those of us who do can also see it from that perspective and that it's more nuanced than rude/not rude.

With my son we had to teach and explain to him that there is a social rubric in place and it helps things flow more smoothly (not just for others but for you) if you apply at least some of it.

So, when the visit is over you might think saying goodbye and shutting the door is appropriate but over the centuries there is a learned expectation that you will stay at the open door until your guest reaches the end of the path and have a final wave. Its meaning is supposed to signify that you have enjoyed their company. Slamming the door might indicate that you are angry or dislike the person. When this was explained my son then "got it".

It also made me think that so many of society's little ways are a bit fake! The pointlessness of small talk and yes sometimes you are glad when a guest leaves your house! It's not a bad thing to appreciate that in order to consider what boundaries you might want to set for yourself, politely of course lol!

Thank for saying that. It's really upsetting to remember that so many people think of my son as rude when in reality he's being more true to himself and honest with people than most; and crucially, he hasn't overtly learned or been taught that particular social cue yet. It's a work in progress and he works very hard not to upset people and yet frequently he's told he's rude.
2022success · 16/01/2022 12:13

My friend has a DS who has Aspergers.

When he was younger and was fed up with guests, he would go and collect their shoes and give them to people saying "Here's your shoes, you can out them on because it's time to go now." Grin

Mummy1608 · 16/01/2022 12:13

@HailAdrian

*I work with autistic kids and they’re so funny. Sometimes they say what everyone is thinking but are too ‘polite’ to say.*

My son is autistic and though he's non-verbal, if you try and give him a hug/kiss and he doesn't want one he will literally keep you at arm's length and I think it's great!

Depending on the age I think many young children do this!

I do feel that it's important that kids know they don't have to put up with kissing/hugging/tickling just to be polite. There are other things we have to put up with to be polite but never things involving our bodies being touched

aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2022 12:18

@honeylulu

I don't think anyone's saying that his behaviour was intentionally or unacceptably rude for a 5 year old with autism, but I don't think it's helpful to try and go as far as to say it wasn't rude by conventional social standards, as many have done on here. I also don't think it's helpful to act like only people with autistic kids have a gauge on what is socially rude and what is not.

It is rude to bluntly point out that people need to leave your house, even if it's how you feel. In the same way it would be rude if someone was rambling somewhat and I said "you need to stop talking/I'm glad you've stopped". Some ways of expressing your true thoughts and feelings are rude and there is a reason it insults people.

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2022 12:18

I once popped round my friend's house and her 3 year old grandson ran towards me and said, "Hi Worra, I'll hug you after my lunch because I don't want to get my hands all dirty from you" 😲 🤣

Newestname002 · 16/01/2022 12:19

@Imayhaveerred

I would love it if people were this clear all the time! “Yes, do pop round for a drink but please fuck off by 9.30 as I like to have my PJs on by then.”

Actually I'm very like this - though I might not be quite as sweary . 🙂 I'm much less tolerant of people who are grossly overstayers and make sure I'm also not in that overstayer group when I visit others.

Doesn't put people off coming to see me so win/win I think. 🌹