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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Found the perfect way to get people out of my house

131 replies

Iwasonline · 16/01/2022 06:05

DS1 had a small, at home birthday party yesterday. The party was almost done and guests were about to have birthday cake.

DS1, just turned five, ran into the room and in a loud and clear voice announces.... "everybody, once you've eaten your cake the party has finished and you have to go."

Amused and mortified. Aibu to actually be kinda proud at his clear boundaries? made me laugh. disclaimer. We are at the very early stages of autism diagnosis

OP posts:

dworky · 16/01/2022 08:53

@FindingMeno

I know someone ( an adult) who just says " OK time to go. You're boring me now"

I know someone who says " Ok, lovely to see you, come back when you have less time."

Lysianthus · 16/01/2022 08:54

@FindingMeno

I know someone ( an adult) who just says " OK time to go. You're boring me now"

I have a good friend who, when at ours, will stand up and say «right, bored now, we’re off». I love him dearly as his timing is always brilliant and the others will follow suit.

UserBot314159 · 16/01/2022 09:04

My friend who has a lovely big house and used to host a few kids parties/coffees for Mums used to organise with me in advance that I would stand up to go at xx.xxhrs, get everybody moving. Because after I put on my coat, then she could start busying tidying u and a few others would follow me out the door.

LadyPropane · 16/01/2022 09:05

I've never had an official diagnosis of anything but I do know that I'm dreadful at picking up on social cues.

I would absolutely love such clear instructions from my host. It's exhausting trying to figure out if you've stayed too long or not long enough. Being told that the party finishes after X has happened suits me very well.

onthegrindbaby · 16/01/2022 09:11

@LemonLimelight What exactly is rude about it can someone explain?

I think people would consider this rude mostly because it was a child, and they think children shouldn't tell adults what to do.

But it's also the explicit "and you have to go". Giving a warning to children that it's almost time to leave is considered fine, but people would assume that stating that the party is ending in 10 min would be enough for the guests to understand they are expected to leave then. So they say it as well, just not explicitely.

FWIW, for one of my autistic DC this statement would definitely mean: "I am reaching my social interaction limit. Please make sure these people leave soon, or I might have a meltdown". So from my perspective, it is actually a very considerate statement because in my experience, guests find meltdowns much more mortifying than a cheeky sentence from a little child.

Also, for both my autistic DC, keeping the "and then we're leaving" implicit would have been very confusing at that age. So from their perspective as guests, the sentence would have actually been very helpful.

IlonaRN · 16/01/2022 09:13

@Riddo

When DS was a toddler, he would wave and say bye bye to guests when he'd had enough. It was surprisingly effective 😂

My DS did this too when a toddler :)

Missey85 · 16/01/2022 09:14

I did this when I was a kid ☺ I got bored at my party so left to play cricket with my brothers 💞

bordermidgebite · 16/01/2022 09:14

It's quite clear that many people don't pick up on social clues

Why is it ruder to tell someone to go than if is for the person to stay too long ?

UsernameInTheTown · 16/01/2022 09:17

I do this and am early 40s. Clear boundaries and good communication saves so much bother and upset.

BloodyDamsons · 16/01/2022 09:25

I have a friend staying at the moment. I love her dearly but she hasn’t stopped talking since 7 this morning. We are currently sitting around the breakfast table reading Sunday papers in what should be blissful lazy silence but she insists on reading out most of an article on Novak Djokovic. God, I hate people reading things out to me in this way.

May I borrow your son?

Ellavoday · 16/01/2022 09:25

The announcement was polite, he said they could have their cake first!

Reminds me of the poster who offers her guests a ‘fucoffee’ to get them to leave.

NameChanged15729 · 16/01/2022 09:30

Your son sounds like my five year old
Christmas Eve he shut the door in a chatty neighbours face after they came to collect a parcel. I was mortified! He just saw it as there purpose for coming round was met so therefore door shut
He is also autistic.

WonderfulYou · 16/01/2022 09:31

I work with autistic kids and they’re so funny.
Sometimes they say what everyone is thinking but are too ‘polite’ to say.

We do have to try and teach them to say things in a way that come across as more polite but we would never punish them as it’s mot they’re fault they’re just stating the obvious.

Bethany7 · 16/01/2022 09:31

I love this! Great boy :)
It is interesting because people with autism live in a very logical world. It is those of us who don't have autism whose world is actually very illogical.
I would love to say that to get people to leave my house but people would think I was rude etc! But really I'm not being rude technically! The party is over after cake and that is the time to leave!

onthegrindbaby · 16/01/2022 09:32

@Iwasonline Yes, it is very hard to teach - and if it turns out he's autistic, it'll likely continue to be a disconnect. But I think it's worth reading about the Double Empathy problem. The stereotype is that autistic people don't understand others or themselves, but we actually tend to understand fine, just communicate differently than NTs. We spend most of our social interaction wondering what the rules are, so are constantly 'on' when it comes to analying people and situations. In my experience, it's therefore more about finding a common language/translation tools than about teaching him what's going on.

Also, as a PP said, learning from cause and effect is usually strong in autistic children. I think because they're constantly looking for predictability in a world that doesn't make sense on so many levels. So in this situation, or maybe when he's a bit older, I might have said something like: "Yes, the party is almost over and soon people will leave. But some of them might want to stay a little longer after the party and not leave right after we've had cake. I wonder if you're tired from having so many people in the house. Do you want to [go to your room, go together to the kitchen/garden for a bit] to have a bit of quiet time?" And then take it from there. It's surprising how often my DC would know what they needed - I'd say more than NT children their age, they just didn't express it as expected.

MrsTimRiggins · 16/01/2022 09:38

Bless him made me smile this morning, as have a few replies!
My nephew was king of either asking ‘when are you leaving?’ or simply saying ‘bye’ when he was little, 3ish maybe. So cute… but did work quite well 😂

Just10moreminutesplease · 16/01/2022 09:39

He sounds fantastic, can I borrow him?

My dog tries to tell people they have overstayed their welcome by barking slowly by the door. He’s perfected an incredulous look for when I tell him to stop too.

DontTellThemYourNamePike · 16/01/2022 09:42

Oh God, I love him!!

HailAdrian · 16/01/2022 09:43

I don't think that's impolite, it's literally saying it how it is.

honeylulu · 16/01/2022 09:44

My son is now 16 (was eventually diagnosed with ASD at nearly 14). This is the sort of thing he'd say when he was younger. One time we had some friends coming around for dinner. He asked when they'd arrive and I said "around 7" . When they arrived he marched to the door and announced "you are seventeen minutes late" before even saying hello.

When we went to see people off at the door he would say a cheerful "bye! " and slam the door while they were still on the step. Except one occasion where there was some dog poo on the pavement and he added "mind the crap, bye!" ... slam!

To be fair some people just don't know when to leave! My late FIL would go and get guests' coats out of the cupboard and hand them round - " here you are, you'll be off now". I thought that was rather splendid.

HailAdrian · 16/01/2022 09:46

I work with autistic kids and they’re so funny.
Sometimes they say what everyone is thinking but are too ‘polite’ to say.

My son is autistic and though he's non-verbal, if you try and give him a hug/kiss and he doesn't want one he will literally keep you at arm's length and I think it's great!

itsgettingweird · 16/01/2022 09:46

@SuperSleepyBaby

I teach my son - who has autism - about the socially acceptable way to behave - but i often find it hard to explain the logic.

Ever since he heard about God he is a committed atheist. He goes to a catholic school as we are in Ireland and all the nearby schools are religious. When the teacher is teaching religion he used to point out that he thought it was all made up and the school shouldn’t be forcing beliefs on people!

He has learnt now to keep quiet - and think whatever he likes in his head. He knows the teacher doesn’t expect him to agree with it and doesn’t mind if he is an atheist.

He asks why should he stay quiet about his beliefs so as not to upset other people - while those same people are teaching him their beliefs

That reminds me of when da was about 6 and the priest in church asked if anyone had any questions.

DS 🙋‍♂️"why do you keep saying god created the world when we all know it was the Big Bang"

Holidaypls2022 · 16/01/2022 09:48

OP we needed your DS at about 8.30 one evening before Christmas when our neighbours had come over for a Christmas 'drink' at 7. They left 4 hours later after literally talking at us the whole time. Never again

aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2022 09:49

It is funny OP but I always find these threads a bit painful as so many people wade in trying to argue that it isn't a rude thing to do.

It definitely is a rude thing to do. Not shocking for a 5yo but yes, rude. I hate the trend of trying to excuse everything like this as "boundaries", there are ways to have boundaries without being rude.

aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2022 09:51

@HailAdrian

I don't think that's impolite, it's literally saying it how it is.

Which is generally the foundation of being impolite.

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