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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should an 18 year old male living at home have a curfew?

97 replies

PolkaDot456 · 16/01/2022 01:33

DS has gone to a friends drinking tonight, was coming home at 11.30 but is still there (no concerns there). He's walking home as he thinks i will have gone to sleep, he was offered a lift if not too late but he kniws midnight is my cut off to stay awake to get him. I don't know if he's walking alone or with friends. I don't want to hound him which is why I haven't got much detail, the other friends are all still there too. His walk home is about a mile and I can't switch off to sleep worrying about him getting home safe and not knowing when that will be!

But on the other hand, I'd left home at 18 and would roll into my own house at all hours!

Really unsure how to tackle this one!

OP posts:
2YearsOfWastedTime · 16/01/2022 01:36

His 18

Leave him to enjoy himself

Skye85 · 16/01/2022 01:38

No, but I'd maybe agree a check in so I knew he was OK

piney07 · 16/01/2022 01:40

Definitely no curfew!

Catflapkitkat · 16/01/2022 01:45

I think a courtesy text call to let you know he's okay is fine.

Ijustreallywantacat · 16/01/2022 01:45

Absolutely he shouldn't. Detach. I know its hard, but he's now an adult. He may have decided to stay until 4 and get bladdered, and there's nothing you can do. Might as well take care of yourself in the meantime and get some sleep.

user313213521 · 16/01/2022 01:46

No curfew for an 18 year old, and not going to collect him after midnight is entirely reasonable. If you live in an area that's a bit rough, or a very rural area where there's no pavements, I might insist on a taxi, but the jury is out on who would pay

HeddaGarbled · 16/01/2022 01:48

No, but I completely understand. When mine were away at Uni, I had no idea what they were up to, but when they were home for the holidays, I couldn’t relax until I knew they were home and safe.

Original poster
PolkaDot456 · 16/01/2022 01:48

@Ijustreallywantacat good advice, it's hard but you're right. I'll try and get some sleep.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/01/2022 01:48

I don’t think an 18 can have a curfew, no. They’re an adult.

Original poster
PolkaDot456 · 16/01/2022 01:50

@HeddaGarbled yes it's the awareness isn't it, the feeling of responsibility to know they're home fir the night

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 16/01/2022 02:00

No

CheeseMmmm · 16/01/2022 02:07

Oh this is so hard OP.

I was out all night from 16 when weekend etc.

So on title was going to say no.

BUT you're worried can't sleep and that's important as well.

Needs to be a way meet in middle.

Sit down talk to him. Just be honest. I like that you have friends and go out have fun etc. And you're 18. No problem with going out late etc.
Thing is I worry and prob you think silly. But I do and can't sleep etc.
What things are there that would give you freedom and me feel reassured ok.

I mean it's your family none of us know you. Anon responses net on this stuff are personal to posters, and that's fine. But they don't know you iyswim!

If got Uber home direct from where at would that help?

CheeseMmmm · 16/01/2022 02:11

And I mean

It's sat night.
He's 18.
1130 is early. So is 12 tbh.
18 offering lifts 1130 unless you love driving and night owl. Why do that?
It's only a mile.
Sounds like prob with friends.
Even if not. A mile.

OTOH

If my DDs aren't going out late yet! I do think turning out for 18yo lift home after piss up is... He should get himself home.

CheeseMmmm · 16/01/2022 02:12

Is he home?

Hope you're snuggled in bed.

If he accepts lifts from you at 18, then you're well within rights to text and see where at. No question.

CakesOfVersailles · 16/01/2022 02:13

Is he still at school or has he finished school and working/uni/polytech/apprenticeship etc?

If he was still at school I would have a curfew.

If he has finished school I would treat him as a young adult and leave him to it. He might go flatting soon and you will not know where he is any time of day or night!

Bringonsummer19 · 16/01/2022 02:21

If still at school doing a levels then Sunday through to Thursday I would have one

Original poster
PolkaDot456 · 16/01/2022 02:22

He's on an extended college course so he's still at college but could also have been in Uni so I have to keep that in mind. He dropped me a pin so I can follow his location, he text me saying mates were walking together and he wasn't the last drop off. I'm going to nonchalantly pretend to be asleep when he gets in Grin

OP posts:
CheeseMmmm · 16/01/2022 03:04

18 is 18.

Personally don't see the relevance of school uni working etc.

Esp as the OPs problem is her worry when out later.

That would be same whatever he was doing study work etc.

CheeseMmmm · 16/01/2022 03:05

OP why pretend?

Why not discuss?

Tell him you worry. But obv 18 fine to go out.

What can you come up with between you about it?

KimikosNightmare · 16/01/2022 03:19

Tell him you worry; fair enough to ask him to text you if he expects to be very late or out all night but you cannot impose a curfew on an 18 year old.

KimikosNightmare · 16/01/2022 03:20

@PolkaDot456

He's on an extended college course so he's still at college but could also have been in Uni so I have to keep that in mind. He dropped me a pin so I can follow his location, he text me saying mates were walking together and he wasn't the last drop off. I'm going to nonchalantly pretend to be asleep when he gets in Grin
Sorry but staying up until 2 in the morning waiting for an 18 year old is OTT.
CheeseMmmm · 16/01/2022 03:33

Talk to him!

Why are you pretending you all ok?
But OTOH giving him lifts?

No reason to hide how you feel.

18, obv fine to do whatever.

Talk to him! Meet in middle.

Before that you do need to think and understand what your biggest worry things are. To focus on.

If getting home.
Say always Uber. Text me when get in.

If not knowing where is if ok.
Then hardly out of order to say when I worry will text. You must reply in 10 mins or something. Or will worry more. If you don't reply I'm going to ring. Don't need to answer. Cut off if you like and text me back say where are ETA etc.

I mean I don't know.

He's 18yo restricting freedom not on.

But he also living with mum and you know not back and worry.

Get it sorted between you. Don't sit there worrying thinking better not text, will pretend asleep when in!

LoveFall · 16/01/2022 03:36

I would say no. Our youngest DS lived with us all through his undergrad at uni. He had a fairly separate area where he could come and go without disturbing us. I am sure he got up to things we would rather he didn't but that's how they grow up.

You can't control an 18 year old unless you really want to stifle their growth as a person and ruin your relationship.

Zoflorabore · 16/01/2022 04:10

My 18 year old son came in at 3.30am but the deal has always been that he stays in touch. He doesn't drink which I'm secretly pleased about unless he's at a house party and has a great group of friends who all look after each other. I don't settle properly until he's home though but I do have chronic insomnia!

Ds is very sensible and has never had a curfew. Unlike me at his age who was away at university and a bit of a party animal...

CheeseMmmm · 16/01/2022 04:24

How things have changed eh!

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