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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should an 18 year old male living at home have a curfew?

97 replies

PolkaDot456 · 16/01/2022 01:33

DS has gone to a friends drinking tonight, was coming home at 11.30 but is still there (no concerns there). He's walking home as he thinks i will have gone to sleep, he was offered a lift if not too late but he kniws midnight is my cut off to stay awake to get him. I don't know if he's walking alone or with friends. I don't want to hound him which is why I haven't got much detail, the other friends are all still there too. His walk home is about a mile and I can't switch off to sleep worrying about him getting home safe and not knowing when that will be!

But on the other hand, I'd left home at 18 and would roll into my own house at all hours!

Really unsure how to tackle this one!

OP posts:

LondonQueen · 16/01/2022 11:45

Absolutely not, it's hard enough living at home at that age as it is.

TopTabby · 16/01/2022 11:46

Dd is 18 & at 6th form so there is a curfew of midnight from Sun-Thurs. Weekends have no curfew, they often don't head into the city until 11.30, very different from my day!
Dd 20 has no curfews but would text if not coming back.
4.30am returns aren't uncommon at all. I remember when 2am was a hard-core time to get in!

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/01/2022 11:48

No.

Asking him to keep you updated of drastic plan changes (ie not coming home at all) is reasonable though, so you don’t worry and can lock up.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/01/2022 11:49

No, no curfew, however, I wouldn't tolerate being woken up.

DrCoconut · 16/01/2022 11:50

My oldest DS is 23 (but has additional needs so about 16 developmentally). I worry when he goes out but I realise it's normal for "teenagers" to want to see friends. As mum you just want them to be ok and it's natural to worry. I guess you need a balance between not holding them back and them respecting you and your home (if they live there). Discuss it and come to an agreement.

idiotmagnet · 16/01/2022 11:51

I collect both my teens - boy and girl - at all hours, and quite often their friends too. The risks are too great not to do that, in my opinion. My parents curfewed me that meant I found myself in dangerous situations because I wanted to stay out later. I want them to enjoy themselves; they're good kids and are grateful. And when they pass their tests I will be expecting lifts from the pub myself, although it's unlikely to be at 3am!

Reallycantbesarsed · 16/01/2022 11:53

I M the biggest worrier but I have never given my children a curfew. If they are home and go out I just ask them to text me if they are going to be late late or if not coming home at all.

Siuan · 16/01/2022 11:55

It's a new phase of being a parent and you don't get used to it overnight. I found it easier once they were at uni as out of sight out of mind. At home it's natural that you worry. At 18 there are lessons to learn about taking care of yourself, dangers to young men esp where drink is involved. They make mistakes. This cohort have probably been a bit more sheltered due to covid.

It's not the curfew that matters it's the communication.

When DC lived at home I expected to be told when or whether they were coming home and if plans change. If I was expecting someone back at 11pm and they were hours late I would be worried.

There were a couple of scary incidents. DS1 was 18 and had been out clubbing. Got dropped off at 5am 3 miles away on a country lane (we live in the sticks). It was snowing and he was so drunk he couldn't walk. Managed to make a phone call and we rescued him. I was tortured with "what might have happened" and I still haven't forgiven his friends for leaving him.

idiotmagnet · 16/01/2022 11:56

@Newmumatlast

Tbh I dont think there should be a curfew however I watch a lot of true crime and would worry so would pick up DD. My parents picked me up all hours but they worked in criminal justice so maybe had same worries as I do. I would therefore want communication about how evening is progressing in terms of likely pick up time so I could grab a couple of hours sleep and get up to do pick up. Appreciate most wouldnt do that though - none of my friends' parents did.

This. I pick mine up. I also expect the odd text with an idea of when I will be expected to go. I also have them on an app so I can see where they are - and they're perfectly happy with that. It's not about spoiling their fun, I just don't want them dead in a ditch. They know that, and appreciate the concern and the lifts.

Goldbar · 16/01/2022 12:07

No, of course not.

It's tough because at 16 or 17 you'd expect them at least to keep in touch even if there was no curfew, and of course you'd be worried if they came home late. And 18 isn't that much older.

But at 18 they can be away at uni getting up to all sorts and you wouldn't know about it. The university's not going to contact you just because no one's seen your child for a couple of days or they haven't slept in their own bed.

Just have the conversation about alcohol and personal safety again and make sure they have the money to get a taxi if they need to. And let them know that it would be considerate to send a text if they stay out later than intended so you're not worrying about them.

Hercisback · 16/01/2022 12:13

I think mobile phones have made expectations worse around this.

I used to tell my mum if I was coming home or not and give and approximate time. Eg if I was clubbing I'd say 3am so she knew not to expect midnight, if I was going to a party in a venue I'd usually say around midnight. Then if there was a plan change I'd text and update her. If I was out all night, I'd just say beforehand not to expect me home.

Lots of expectations of dropping pins, texting when arriving /leaving heightens the anxiety and puts pressure on him. Agree a plan before he leaves.

Riverlee · 16/01/2022 12:19

@Hercisback

I agree. I was talking to someone about university life back in the 80s and how we would only phone home once a week. We were wondering whether our parents worried as much as parents today. Having mobile phones makes people more connected, but can increase anxiety as well.

tiredofthisshit21 · 16/01/2022 12:29

No curfew at 18. I understand the worry, and I'm the same with my daughter (also 18). I've trained myself to stop worrying. She's away at uni for a lot of the year and I have no idea what time she gets in when she's not at home. She's sensible and would never walk home alone. When she's at home and on a night out I just ask her to send me a quick text to say she's home when she gets in. That way if I wake in the night I can see that she's safe.

crosstalk · 16/01/2022 14:08

Can I just remind people talking about Uber and taxis that there are many places where they are not available?

Eg you can get a cab from our main city and larger towns but will have to pay oodles if you are going far. But there are no cabs unless prebooked in some of our smaller towns even half way through the afternoon at train stations.

Walking at night on narrow lanes with no pavements or lighting but your own torch - dubious after dark, let alone after midnight.

PinkSyCo · 16/01/2022 15:07

As long as he can handle his drink and he doesn’t come in singing at the top of his voice and start bashing pots and pans about and attempting to deep fry chips you can’t tell him what time to come home no. I remember finding it really difficult to relinquish control with my firstborn though and could never sleep until she was safely home.

ElftonWednesday · 17/01/2022 12:45

It wasn't any better (nearly) 30 years ago. My mum didn't sleep until I got in if I was meant to be coming home and not staying at my friend's house.

londonmummy1966 · 17/01/2022 12:50

We discussed this when we had a single female lodger and agreed with her that it would be a courtesy all round to let others know if we were going to be coming home alone after 11.30pm to avoid concern and that if plans changed we'd text. It worked both ways - ie we'd tell her too. It's been the house rule ever since for all adults (ie me and DH as well as nannies/DC) together with there always being cash in the hall to pay for an emergency last minute taxi (who ever uses it replaces it). Works well for us as it isn't seen as us imposing rules on others but asking that all adults in the house behave with courtesy to each other.

Slingingcontest · 17/01/2022 12:53

That's a great idea about leaving emergency cash in the hall for taxis londonmummy1966 I am going to steal that!

Abraxan · 17/01/2022 12:54

Dd will always send a text if staying out all night and the plans change by a lot.

It's courtesy. It means no one has to worry something might have happened on the way home, especially if any part of a jitney is alone.

If Dd was home and I was out and decided to stay out to early hours or not coming home then I'd send a message to let her know.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 17/01/2022 13:03

It’s tricky at this age.

My mum imposed a let me know curfew. By 11 I had to let her know was I staying out/coming home/going on a night out/was anyone coming back etc otherwise she would get worried and ring/text me until she got hold of me if I wasn’t back when I said.

I’d do the same with my kids. I just need to know they’re safe. I don’t care what they’re doing or who with just that they’re not supposed to be home snd they aren’t.

gogohm · 17/01/2022 13:09

No mine didn't but they were expected to tell me that they were going out, an eta home and to text if plans changed and they were staying out overnight (also if they brought "someone" home they needed to text my phone to warn me knowing I would check it first thing

ElftonWednesday · 17/01/2022 13:14

Also 30 years ago without mobiles I'd still ring my mum if my plans changed, even if it mean finding a call box or ringing from a friend's house. I wouldn't have left her sat wondering where I was.

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