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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should an 18 year old male living at home have a curfew?

97 replies

PolkaDot456 · 16/01/2022 01:33

DS has gone to a friends drinking tonight, was coming home at 11.30 but is still there (no concerns there). He's walking home as he thinks i will have gone to sleep, he was offered a lift if not too late but he kniws midnight is my cut off to stay awake to get him. I don't know if he's walking alone or with friends. I don't want to hound him which is why I haven't got much detail, the other friends are all still there too. His walk home is about a mile and I can't switch off to sleep worrying about him getting home safe and not knowing when that will be!

But on the other hand, I'd left home at 18 and would roll into my own house at all hours!

Really unsure how to tackle this one!

OP posts:

Echobelly · 16/01/2022 08:29

I think no need for a curfew, but just say you want a message if he's going to be extra late/is staying over at someone else's etc. As others say, just about keeping in touch.

CrackerGal · 16/01/2022 08:30

I have an 18 year old too, I'd be worried about her getting home too. A girl so wouldn't want her walking home in the dark. I'd either have her staying over with the said friend, or make sure she was able to book a cab home I think if she was late for a lift.
Hope he got back OK.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 16/01/2022 08:34

I agree with pp, no curfew but a rough idea of timings - before/after midnight and ideally a text to say you're on your way home. Those are the rules for dh anyway. I used to wake up and get the fright of my life if he'd just appeared in the bedroom so the 'on the way home' text disturbs me first and I'm ready for the hall door to open. And I go mad if he says it's an early one, or texts 'heading for taxi' and doesn't appear for hours later. I keep imaging my chat with the police saying "but he regularly says he's on his last pint and I don't see him for hours why would tonight be any different" - cue the true crime podcast voiceover... but tonight was different.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 16/01/2022 08:46

Not a curfew at all. But a check in. My DD1 is now 20 and lives at home. DD2 is17. They both are very good at keeping in touch and letting us know they are ok. And what their plans are for getting home. It’s about mutual love and care, not treating someone as a child.

We live very centrally, so most places they go are only 10 mins by car from us. DH is a night owl and he will usually pick them up though; even as late as 2am (not suggesting you should do that; I couldn’t either, as I would be too tired at that time of night to drive safely).

It’s hard for you as it’s somehow less acceptable to worry so much about a young man as a young woman in these circumstances (the fact that we would not want either of our daughters walking home on their own late at night seems reasonable to most people).

Could you agree in future that he messages you when he leaves wherever he is, so you know when to expect him home? In your position I would likely stay awake to check he gets in. In bed, but awake until he comes home. Largely to avoid that panicked clammy 4am waking wondering where he is!

I assume this is a fairly new development? Over time, if he remains at home for a few more years, you will get accustomed to his coming and going and hopefully grow in confidence in his ability to keep safe.

Creativemojo · 16/01/2022 08:48

Yeah there's a balance to be struck here.

A friend and her DH put up with their DS coming home at 2am, banging the doors, banging about the kitchen which they sleep above, making pizza, and waking up the entire household, when his dad has to be up at 5 am for work! He makes absolutely no attempt at all to be quiet at all and you can hear everything. He also leaves the kitchen in a right state. It's madness! No surprise that this lad is still living at home and has just given up work and education. His parents have allowed him to walk all over them.

Personally I don't think you do your offspring any favours by teaching them to be inconsiderate. I have an eighteen year old DD and they have to send a text at midnight to say what they are doing, and another two word text when she gets in, her dad will pick her up if she sends one before 11.30 pm, and he doesn't mind dropping friends off too. She knows that she has to get an Uber back if she is not with her friends, and she has to be quiet and she has to put her bag on the chair in the hall that I can see easily when I get up or if I go to the loo during the night. Despite all of this, I can't help myself lying awake and being anxious until she gets in, but she doesn't have to know that, as long as she complies with the rules! And bless her, she is really, really quiet, so much so that sometimes I haven't heard her come in and got up to check!

She also has to be up at a reasonable time during the week and roughly fit in with family meal times if she is eating with us. That doesn't apply at weekends but we do ask her to let us know if she and any of her friends will be joining us for Sunday lunch or not and if they are, to pitch in a bit.

3teens2cats · 16/01/2022 08:51

No curfew, he's an adult. However not unreasonable to ask for a rough time he thinks he might be home. That's just courtesy between adults who care about each other. For example our 19 Yr old is home at the moment and he says if he's just popping to the pub (will be back before midnight) or if it's a bigger night out( could be 5am). If his plans change that's 100% fine but i would expect a text if he was just popping out for a couple and they decided to go to a club in the next city.

SarahBop · 16/01/2022 08:56

I think some posters have been a bit harsh here; regardless of 18 being a legal adult, it is still very young in the grand scheme of life.

A mother isn't going to just stop worrying/caring, once a child turns 18. Especially that nowadays things are different re crimes, knife crime is higher/muggings etc because people carry high value items like phones and airpods etc.

I have teenagers and I worry when they are out too. It is horrible sometimes; especially in my town, there's been a lot of stabbings...it's hard to relax and know they're okay.

Hope you're having a lay-in, but I totally understand you not being able to relax fully until your Son is home

ElectraBlue · 16/01/2022 08:56

He is 18 and an adult...at this age many young people will be at university and living life as they wish.

A curfew sounds a bit ridiculous.

You can however speak to him and say that you are still worrying about him and that you want to make sure he is careful with his safety and that you always appreciate him letting you know that is OK and will be really late when he is on a night out.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 16/01/2022 09:27

It's hard!
Logic doesn't come into it. Much easier when they are living elsewhere and you don't know where they are at all.

Tdcp · 16/01/2022 09:30

I agree on the courtesy call thing. I was always allowed to do whatever I wanted as a teen but I always texted or called my mum to tell her if I wasn't coming back or was going to be late etc. It was freedom without the worry for her

NYnewstart · 16/01/2022 09:32

It’s hard to let go but you’ve got to. They are adults and shouldn’t have to be worrying about mum worrying, aside from a courtesy text if plans change dramatically.

PonyPatter44 · 16/01/2022 09:44

My DD is 19 but has had pub jobs since last year, which don't finish until1 or 2am, sometimes later depending on cleaning. I have just had to accept that I won't be awake when she comes in.

iolaus · 16/01/2022 09:48

I ask that if they aren't going to be home at the time they said they were going to be (by the way the time may be 'It's going to be late/early hours but I'm getting a taxi') can they message to let me know they are ok (or if they are staying out the same

When they get home I ask they text me, so if I wake up I can just check my phone and go back to sleep rather than lie awake listening for them to come home

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 16/01/2022 10:17

DS is 25 and the only rule is if you get in late stay as quiet as you can, i leave the door to his room open when i go to bed so if i get up in the night and its closed i know he’s in. I do ask that if he plans to stay out overnight as in not coming home till after breakfast next day rather than getting in in the early hours he texts so i know he's safe.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 16/01/2022 10:31

I have an 18 year old, he's very good at letting me know where he is and what sort of time he'll be home even though I don't always ask. He's also good at answering messages if I do text

He's older brother was awful at it although did get better with age.

You don't stop worrying about them when they hit 18 or even 20. As the older one now realises, he often picks the 18 year old up in the early hours if he knows he's outeven though he doesn't live with us anymore

AllKindsOfWrong · 16/01/2022 10:37

He's 18, an adult. You can't expect him to be still tied to your apron strings.

WinnersDinner · 16/01/2022 10:38

He definitely shouldn't have a curfew at 18

But that said I can see how difficult it is for parents to switch off with kids out, I remember rolling home at 4 am when I was 18 and my dad was conveniently just making a cup of tea - trying to disguise the fact he had stayed up all night until I came home safely

Branleuse · 16/01/2022 10:38

It really does depend. I think unless its prior arranged then families living in the same house should have a certain basic respect for others sleep and the lock up of the house at night. Otherwise the parents can feel like theyre in student digs or a houseshare rather than their home. I have a 20 year old at home and whilst he doesnt have a specific curfew, i would feel so anxious if i didnt know when he was getting in and if i was going to get woken up, but if its just occasional and i knew in advance i think it would be different.
Young adults living at home still need to live by house rules, otherwise its shit for everyone else and also no incentive for them to leave home

melj1213 · 16/01/2022 11:03

My DD is still a preteen so hopefully not something I have to worry about for a few years yet.

When I was 18 I was already at Uni but if I came home for the holidays etc then the general rule was, before I went out, I would let them know a general idea of what I was doing and when I'd be home eg "Going to Sarah's for dinner and a catch up, planning to get the last bus so should be home around midnight", "Going to meet the girls at the pub and then probably going into town, won't be back till late so no need to wait up", "Going to a concert, won't finish till late and we're probably going to go out for a few drinks so Sarah said I can crash at hers since it's closer to town so I'll see you in the morning" etc

If those plans changed for any reason then I would text asap ("Missed the last bus and no taxis for ages so Sarah said I can crash at hers") even if it was after my parents usually went to bed because it meant they had the information. If they were still up then they got the info straight away, if they were asleep then they got the info when they woke up and before they saw my bed hadn't been slept in when I was supposed to be home on the last bus/train.

titchy · 16/01/2022 11:12

@Plump82

Why are you even offering him a lift before midnight if he's only a mile away. That's a 15 min walk!

This for goodness sake! Mine were walking more than that to and from primary school! Unless there's a big dripfeed about mobility issues...?

Original poster

PolkaDot456 · 16/01/2022 11:16

Thank you everyone, he was in at 2.15 so not as bad as I'd feared, for last night at least and yes I've had a wonderful lie in and he is already up and about.

I always dreaded this stage, I know eventually it will be easier but yes due to the pandemic his evening socialising was only just taking off and so has been stunted, he's not much of a drinker either but I knew last night's goal was to get drunk.

I think the come home with friends or in a taxi is a good rule but I can't imagine if he's like me when I've had a drink he will necessarily remember to text when he's on his way home! He's happy enough, for now, to drop me a pin so I can see where he is which is a fair compromise. I have an unspoken rule to myself that I will not quiz him about 'why he went there' if something peaks my curiosity, though usually he tells me all about it after.

Thanks again, this was generally a really supportive thread. As an anxious parent, I second guess myself and wonder if I'm being too lenient just to not put my anxiety on him(like a PP, I recognise it's MY problem not his) and I was genuinely wondering if I should have put a curfew in place as part of being a parent.

I also.love a PP 'it's not a parent/child thing it's just common courtesy'!!!

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 16/01/2022 11:26

The problem with always sending a text is if you break your phone or run out of battery, the other person is panicking and it's stressful. As said, no-one should live according to other people's anxiety. There should only be a curfew if it's a small house and coming in is waking everyone up. You can't put conditions on another adult getting home, such as taxi etc. They have full autonomy. You will just drive him away. Thinking of them as adults is a process, though, it takes time.

FinallyFluid · 16/01/2022 11:36

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

We expect a text if ds is staying out all night.

This.

If there is no text forthcoming, I send a text around 11.00, I then leave it about 45 and text again, saying ....................or I could call.

Usually get an answer fairly sharpish.

Ljmumun · 16/01/2022 11:37

If he's dropped u a.pin and said he's walking with friends I think you have to leave well alone. Mine was back from uni stayed out till 730 on NYE . DH was the one panicking even though we had a txt at 3 saying he was fine and chilling with friends. We had a chat when he woke up and I explained about DH worrying. He has said he will txt in future if.its an all nighters or send a txt woth an ETA home. Its what I would do as well if I was out so not treating him as a child

StationaryMagpie · 16/01/2022 11:40

im a bit older than that, but i house share with a parent, obvs being a very much adult (and mother myself) i dont have a curfew, but the deal is that they leave the downstairs hall light on and lock the front door when they go to bed (and take the key out ) and i turn it off when i get back in at whatever time i wander home.

When i was younger and living at home, we had the same rules. At that time someone was usually up until about 2am, so it wasn't often i was home after that, but if i were, again they'd leave the hall light on for me.

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