to think that it's more socially acceptable

[Flutterflybutterby]

in the UK to be a functioning alcoholic than to be entirely sober?

As someone who has been both (and is now the latter) I have found this to be the case. Being a functional alcoholic is almost considered funny, a quirk, even a positive thing in certain situations! Whereas being sober is met with eye rolls. Just wondering your thoughts and experiences of this?

I think the culture is changing though. Slowly.

@Comedycook

It's a class thing I think too

My friend who I consider a functioning alcoholic is very middle class. It's all absolutely hilarious and jolly japes when you're drinking expensive wine and whiskey in your huge 100k kitchen extension.

Sitting in your council flat knocking back strong lager and cider...you're just scum

The double standards of the British class system in a fucking nutshell.

YANBU I can't drink, it's a slippery slope for me but certain behaviours that I shown in hindsight where signs of a problem starting but it was deemed completely acceptable by those around me.

I'm now considered boring, because I'm not a barely functioning alcoholic anymore.

When I was younger I used to be a social drinker but in my 40s I developed an allergy to all alcohol - my face would get red and itchy and start to swell which is why I stopped drinking.

I find that because I tell people that I can’t drink because of the allergy I am not pushed to have one drink. Maybe that could be a reason to stop people pushing you to have a drink

My dd has never drunk any alcohol as she doesn’t like the smell but because she has told friends that she doesn’t like the smell they have accepted that she doesn’t drink.

@Yesthatscorrect

I think it's a cultural thing. Alcohol is a huge thing in the UK, it bonds people. I never feel like I know my colleagues as well until I have a night out with them. I'm in my early 40s and from NE England though so it may be different in other areas. Alcohol in the NE has been seen as a way to relax and unwind after a hard day at work. Not saying it's a bad thing not to drink and I can see it changing in the generation after me. I have a sister who is early 20s and drinks maybe once a year and my younger sister in law in her 20s rarely drinks.

I work with people under 25 though and a lot of them don't drink but take drugs instead.

I can imagine it would be really hard going against the grain and not drinking in this country.

I agree with this, also from the NE and mid 40's and I'm treated with suspicion, disbelief and amusement if I drink a soft drink at a pub or gathering. Thing is I do drink sometimes, and was right in the culture when I was younger and if I feel like a good drink then I'll have one, but I've become a real martyr to hangovers and I don't like it, there's absolutely no way I could drink and get up next day for a shift at work, and even a couple leave me feeling woozy and crap the next day. It affects my sleep and I get the 'beer fear' far worse than I ever used to. I choose when I know I can recover, and when I feel like it, if I am already tired then I'll just end up with a headache if I drink and it takes any enjoyment out of it. If I feel like that I will have a better time not drinking because I won't feel tired, ratty and headachey. I don't announce it like I'm some kind of hero or anything, I will ask for a coke if offered a drink or it's obvious I've got a soft drink when I buy one.

Though the "Are you pregnant" questions because I'm not drinking are getting less as I get older!

I'm not judging other people but it's assumed I am simply because I choose not to drink on that occasion and some people go ahead and get defensive anyway, like I am judging them.
That's their issue, not mine though, when there's the inevitable "Why come if you're not going to drink" or "That's just weird" comments I just say I don't feel like it. Sometimes though I don't go if there'll be a few people who have form for this, because it just ruins the night because instead of just getting on and having a laugh, the focus becomes about why I'm not drinking and judgement of that.
Shame really.

I think someone who has recovered from alcoholism may be more prone to describe themselves as sober, as they will have a sense of pride in having overcome it. I think that's ok and may well now form part of their identity. I don't think I'd describe it as a smugness though.

@LittleWingSoul

I think someone who has recovered from alcoholism may be more prone to describe themselves as sober, as they will have a sense of pride in having overcome it. I think that's ok and may well now form part of their identity. I don't think I'd describe it as a smugness though.

That's entirely understandable, but when used with those outside the recovery culture, "sober" might carry unintended connotations. In general usage, the opposite of "sober" is basically "drunk", so if you describe yourself as "sober" it can seem like you're describing others by implication as drunks. I know that's not what's meant, but it does mean that describing yourself as "sober" can come over as subtly judgemental to those not conversant in recovery language. Whereas the opposite of "I don't drink" is just "I do drink", so saying "I don't drink" comes across like less of a value judgement. People are sensitive about their own drinking, so any implied judgement in your words can provide an outsize reaction.

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

I don't disagree with you at all. Conversely, any time I tried to tell people, sometimes in a jokey 'many a truth told in jest way', or sometimes even in a more serious context, that I had a problem with drink, it would get brushed off or minimised. I generally assume that is because it forces some people to hold a mirror to themselves (as you say, they are sensitive about their own drinking). Its not easy to admit it's a problem, especially when the threshold is so high in this country (at least amongst a lot of people I know). For example, sister-in-law doing dry January who took a "day off" from it to drink prosecco at her 5 year old son's bday party, and then again for another family event. In the one month of the year she was going to attempt not having a drink.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble, but I feel the judgement is there whether you have chosen to go tee-total or are a functioning alcoholic. In terms of it imposing uncomfortable self-reflection.

I am proud of the fact I have achieved what I thought was insurmountable a couple of years ago, and quite frankly, I don't give a damn if that makes me look smug in anyone else's eyes! I'd hope the people who love and care about me are proud and happy for me. And if it makes people think twice about how much they are drinking because they know that really it is a bit too much and that makes them squirm a little... Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

I will add... Unlike PPs on this thread I have not had anyone really question me at all when I have said 'no thanks' to a drink. Maybe slight surprise the very first time, but it quickly became totally normal and no one has mentioned it or tried to press it onto me since. It must be really draining being on a night out or at an event and being constantly questioned on it. This would probably be the point I would get tired and snap back "because I was an alcoholic, ok?!"

Should have been "provoke" not provide in my last line. I hate my phone 😒

So many people use drink as a way to unwind and enjoy themselves after a hard day or week at work.
If you don't drink, there's probably a presumption that you don't do it because you're a bit of a 'goody two-shoes' or just a bit uptight.
This isn't my opinion, just the impression I get.

Or in fact not so uptight that you need alcohol to help unwind...! Because you are already there, man!

YANBU, much better not to drink than to drink too much. I think you are right about attitudes.

I think people sometimes feel a bit weird drinking in the presence of people who are not drinking.

Even if the non drinking people are not actually judgmental the drinker may assume they are being judged (or may feel bad about their own drinking, if it's a lot).

It's also quite hard to find an evening out that isn't based on having a drink.

For me, alcohol is a bit of a take it or leave it. If there is no beer in the house, I don't go shopping for it. When out socially, I sometimes choose not to drink alcohol in bars because I have a deadline the next day or other commitment requiring no hangover. I don't have a sweet tooth so cannot drink juice or cola all night. I like non-alcoholic beer but find many bars stock such a limited selection. It reflects demand by customers I suppose, and tells you a lot about the typical British night out in a bar in terms of consumption.

@Aria999 I think it’s this, I just feel weird drinking when someone else isn’t drinking. Just like I’d feel weird doing any drug when someone was standing there sober. I have friends who have one drink and then just subtly stop/nurse their second forever and that’s fine but I am very uncomfortable around anyone completely sober if I’ve had even one glass of wine because I become extremely self conscious that they think I’m drunk or annoying. I’m fine obviously in something like a work situation where someone isn't drinking and I’ve had a glass of wine, as in that situation I’m already not relaxed. But if I’m sitting around in a social situation and someone is fully sober then I’m on edge.

The exception would be a close friend who has drunk with me in the past who I absolutely know wouldn’t mind if I got a bit tiddly. The awkward feeling would fade then.

I think it depends on who you are friends with/socialising with.
I almost never ever drink alcohol. Socially I havent in 20 years. No one I know ever raises an eyebrow. They drink alcohol, I dont. Simples

It depends on the circles you mix in. Mt DP is teetotal, no one says anything about this.
I know at least one functional alcoholic. No one says anything to him as there is no point. But I certainly don't think it is quirky or fun. He is an alcoholic.

People are weird if someone isn't drinking. I've been told that 'it's boring' and that I need to let my hair down etc.

The truth is that I don't need alcohol to relax and let my hair down. I don't judge people if they drink alcohol although I think that's really where the pressure stems from.

However I would not describe myself as 'sober'. I'd just say I'll have a Diet Coke,

Definitely. It's a huge problem in the UK. I only drink on special occasions (my excuse as I always feel like I have to justify it: I have family history of alcoholism so know what could happen and I have a tendency to feel depressed the next day after small amounts of alcohol) and know that a lot of people would find that really weird!

@merrygoround23

YANBU I can't drink, it's a slippery slope for me but certain behaviours that I shown in hindsight where signs of a problem starting but it was deemed completely acceptable by those around me.

I'm now considered boring, because I'm not a barely functioning alcoholic anymore.

Well done for noticing and stopping drinking.

Completely agree. I had my DD young and so grew up very quickly and going out drinking was virtually non existent for me. I didn’t drink when I had my DD with me because I was a single mum and felt like it was the responsible thing to do and would drive to most events we were both invited to however I became in some peoples eyes ‘the boring one’. Whereas, my family members are heavy drinkers and will have a good old knees up wherever and whenever with their DC’s present and are seen as a barrel of laughs.

@OwlinaTree

Drinking alcohol is part of the social bonding between people.

If you don't drink you are seen as not participating.

This. Drinking is a social activity. Not drinking and therefore not joining in is perceived (unconsciously) as a slight or snub, hence the reactions.

Yanbu

But, the reason is pretty dismal.

I've been both btw.

Functional alcoholics (FA I'll use) make others feel better about themselves.

Things like-

• Not feel as bad for drinking when had said to self not tonight. Because FA badgered me

• OK I had more than meant to/got smashed but bloody hell heard what FA did! Not as bad as them. So that's good! Everyone talking about FA antics instead of me.

-Shit just realised been out 3 nights in row. FFS. Mind you. FA out every night after work and I was with them. They instigated, insisted shots, and I left at 9! That's real willpower.

-Not drinking? One in group not drinking? The fuck?! That's not right. Oh go on just one. No? >>> Not drinking is sensible, healthy, get to bed early, not end up dodgy bar 3am....
They make others feel BAD. Guilty. Lack self control. Feel good tomorrow. I'll be in bed ignoring family till noon....
Oh go on just one!!!

I have been sober over 18years,nobody could care less has been my experience.

I do judge people who drink to much,think they are complete idiots.

@WendyYourExcellency

I get pressure and sometimes narky comments from others, and lots of ‘how do you manage it?!’ from others. Brush this off tbh and see it as their problem not mine.

Was at a huge party the other day, was the only person not pissed and taking class A drugs - age range 20-60 and from all different social backgrounds. I always get up and get everyone dancing, and have loads of fun with only aching feet to show the next day, whereas everyone else is hanging for days.

Think we as a society in the UK rely on drink and drugs to loosen up as a bit repressed. I find drunk people a bit boring and have left parties as a result.

Re not trusting people who don’t drink, I understand this. I know I don’t drink much as I like to have total control of myself and not say things I’ll regret. This might put other people’s backs up a bit.

If I’m with new people I often offer to get the round and get myself a tonic water etc.

I agree with this. When I was in the UK - and perhaps I lived in a rather boozy town, as most of our town events involved alcohol - the excessive drinking would involve people of all ages and classes!

However, I do agree with a PP that in terms of actual functional alcoholism, it is generally more socially acceptable/seen as less harmful/more of an eccentric quirk than a problem when the person in question is more wealthy.