Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that it's more socially acceptable

110 replies

Flutterflybutterby · 15/01/2022 15:44

in the UK to be a functioning alcoholic than to be entirely sober?

As someone who has been both (and is now the latter) I have found this to be the case. Being a functional alcoholic is almost considered funny, a quirk, even a positive thing in certain situations! Whereas being sober is met with eye rolls. Just wondering your thoughts and experiences of this?

OP posts:
FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 15/01/2022 17:26

YANBU.

I don't really drink at all apart from the odd glass a few times a year.

If anyone rolled their eyes or tried to make me feel stupid I'd cut them out instantly. Most people aren't funny, cute or interesting when drunk. If they were the kind of people who think I'd be better drunk, they're probably idiots imo.

Carinattheliqorstore1 · 15/01/2022 17:29

My mum gave up drinking in her 20s. In her 50s she was at a party and an aggressive drunk woman gave her so much abuse for not drinking: saying she was stuck up and a snob. I was livid. My mum is very much live and let live: and doesn’t care what anyone else does

goawaystormy · 15/01/2022 17:36

I am treated like a bit of an outcast because I haven't drank for years. Nights out, weekends away - all evolve around booze- let's gin tasting, let's go cocktail making ! (for example). If I was a vegan would they arrange a night in a steakhouse for dinner!? Also still expected to pay equal share on nights out when i've been on water. Winds me right up! So yes, I think more socially acceptable to be a boozer than not!

The thing is if all your friends want to do these things why shouldn't they just because you choose not to drink? If the rest of a group wants to do something and 1 person doesn't like that thing why should the rest of the group miss out on doing it? If they didn't invite you you'd start thinking you're being ostracised from the friendship group for not drinking when the reality is they all want to do they thing they want, they'd love to have you there, but they're not willing never to do the fun thing just because you won't do it. These are the non-drinkers who get on peoples nerves because they expect other people to change plans to fit them.

Although you are right to be annoyed about the price thing, that they should be taking on as it's their thing that cost more (the same as if one persons food cost significantly more/less despite the fact that you're still all eating).

gorseinonn22 · 15/01/2022 17:36

Unfortunately you may be true OP, though perhaps that depends on how you define functioning alcoholic. It should not be so, and says a lot about the UK and its relationship with alcohol.

LillyBugg · 15/01/2022 17:38

I don't drink and like many previous posters here, no one cares. I'm not sure who said it but I very much think it's how you present yourself. I don't drink but still go on a night out, still dance, still relax and have fun and don't judge anyone who wants to drink.

Echobelly · 15/01/2022 17:40

The British definitely have some unhealthy attitudes. I do drink, but very moderately, and I remember once at university someone asking me 'How can you stop drinking?' Which seemed an easy thing to me, but obviously not for some others

Laiste · 15/01/2022 17:43

My dear DH was struggling with being alcohol dependant when i met him. He managed to keep it quiet in the early months but admitted it all to me out of a wish for clarity in case i didn't want to go forward with him.

Jumping forward a couple of years to when i met his parents his DM (now my MIL) told me how happy she was at how he was now and repeated all same the awful horror stories about his behaviour years ago which he'd told me (except from her own perspective obvs).

It was a truly awful few years for the whole family - so what i don't understand is why DHs past problems are treated as a family joke when everyone is together. They even ply him with drink. MIL included! AngryHmm When me and MIL are alone she's back to being honest that it was god awful. I mean what's that about?!

rambleonplease · 15/01/2022 18:01

I am not so sure, I hardly drink but would never describe myself as sober. I just drink what I want, that is generally never alcohol. No one bats an eyelid at me.

Had I not drunk alcohol when I was younger, so in my 20's that may have been different.

Kite22 · 15/01/2022 18:22

Do you mean teetotal, when you say sober ? As they are two different things for me.

However, I totally disagree with your suggestion that Being a functional alcoholic is almost considered funny, a quirk, even a positive thing in certain situations!
I can't think of any situation, ever, where being an alcoholic is funny.

I know lots of situations where "being a bit tipsy on that occasion" has been considered amusing by lots of people, but that is a massive distance from being an alcoholic, functioning or not.

DysmalRadius · 15/01/2022 18:32

Given that the OP says that she has been an alcoholic, I imagine her use of the word sober is deliberate as it implies an ongoing process of recovery.

HollowTalk · 15/01/2022 18:37

@Laiste I would have to speak to my MIL about that. They are tempting him to fall off the wagon, knowing that when he was drinking his life and theirs was terrible. You need to confront her on this. She and the others are making life so much harder for your husband.

Kite22 · 15/01/2022 18:45

But in the context of general discussion, most people who are sober are not necessarily alcoholics.

Maybe this all depends who you socialise with.

00deed1988 · 15/01/2022 18:50

Yep. I was a binge drinker. Once I had one I struggled to stop and I did very silly things. Nearly 2 years ago I gave up altogether. I don't miss it at all. But I get lots of "Oh my God. You don't drink" lots of questions. Lots of funny looks. My PIL even 'accidently' bought me a 5% version of my alcohol free drink I have on holiday and I didn't realise until they bought my 2nd one and I was about to drink it and I felt a bit of a 'buzz' I was so angry with them. They couldn't see the issue...was only 1 drink. I will never trust them with buying my drinks again!

MrsAntonioConte · 15/01/2022 18:52

I don’t drink much at all. Maybe a gin every 6 months or so.

And whenever I see my GP they ask your weight, alcohol consumption, and smoking status.

I always write 0 units per week. And they always seem quite shocked!

Westerman · 15/01/2022 18:56

Bit of a gulf between your 2 options, OP!
YABU. Alcoholism is Alcoholism, functioning or not. It shows poor judgement and lack of self control.

ThePinkTeapot · 15/01/2022 18:56

Not sure this is true. I’ve worked with a number of people who don’t drink, both for religious and personal reasons, and I’m not aware that anyone judged them. They didn’t make a big deal of it, still attended social events and parties, but just drank soft drinks.

elliejjtiny · 15/01/2022 18:56

Yanbu. I don't drink because with a combination of my disability and the meds I'm on, even a tiny bit of alcohol just makes everything 10 times harder to stand upright and think clearly. And with my autistic 8 year old I need a properly functioning brain and X-Ray vision

Huntswomanonthemove · 15/01/2022 18:58

We rarely drink and I can confirm that you are spot on @Flutterflybutterby. We met up with another couple, who share our hobby. She said we were quite good company, even though we don't drink. Roll eyes.......

MiddleAgedKick · 15/01/2022 18:59

Sadly, I think yanbu. My mum was a (non functioning Sad) alcoholic. She did recover, but when she told friends she didn't drink anymore and tried to explain why, they were all "chortle...what really? Chuckle chuckle..YOU don't drink wine anymore"? Not so hilarious when she died of a suspected alcoholic cardiomyopothy shortly after recovering.

Don't mean to be all po faced or a buzz kill, but it does annoy me.

I don't drink at all at the minute and I don't see myself wanting to go back to it again tbh

surreygirl1987 · 15/01/2022 19:00

I hardly drink. Maybe 3 drinks a year. Nobody cares. But my circle doesn't centre their lives on alcohol.

CoalCraft · 15/01/2022 19:01

Depends on your social circle I suppose. In my main circle of eight friends, one is quite a heavy drinker, three are social / occasional drinkers and four are completely teetotal. One of the four is a former alcoholic, but the other three either have never been drinkers or used to drink socially.

We are all aged 27-31.

Reallycantbesarsed · 15/01/2022 19:03

It depends what you mean by functioning alcoholic ( this is MN ) and what you mean by sober .

InFiveMins · 15/01/2022 19:09

I haven't read the full thread but I agree with you OP. People sneer at those who are teetotal. It's odd.

I enjoy a drink but respect those who don't.

Didiusfalco · 15/01/2022 19:16

Yes, it’s really weird. I stopped drinking for medical reasons and I’ve had some properly strange reactions, like people being sceptical and a bit eye-rolly. I’m really low-key about it but It’s really odd because I can’t imagine anything else that was entirely affecting no-one but me that other people would feel so invested in.

2bazookas · 15/01/2022 19:33

@firstimemamma

I've been teetotal for over 5 years and nobody cares. Yabu.
We've spent decades living in very rural areas where people really depend on their driving license. In Scotland, the drink-drive limit is lower that RUK . So it's just routine now that at any social occasion, most arrive by car, the designated drivers decline any alcohol at all, and hosts don't turn a hair when asked for soft drinks. Definitely no eye-rolling or "just one" persuasion.