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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at this comment from dh

46 replies

Broodymomma · 26/12/2007 15:15

After a rotten xmas morning where dh did not even get me a little gift from our 9 month old son let alone anything from him he sat at the dinner table infront of all our family and said that "new year's eve has been crap since i met H (me!!). It really upset and embarrased me. He says I took it the wrong way but if im honest he has been a pig for 3 days and he knew fine that would upset me. AIBU??

OP posts:

juuule · 26/12/2007 17:26

Oooh absolutely HG instructions are the order of the day, right down to giving of a map in some cases.

HappyChristmasWalrusIsOver · 26/12/2007 17:40

Agree with PPs

talk it through - spell it out

But don;t do anything without calling him Nob rot for not getting you a pressie fro Xmas

cheshirekitty · 26/12/2007 18:22

Sorry, the man is a jerk. Smack him over the head with a dead kipper, raid the bank and get yourself something gorgeous for a belated Christmas pressie.

Also, arrange to go out with girlfriends for New Years Eve and let him babysit.

HonoriaGlossop · 26/12/2007 18:22

We are clearly singing from the same hymn sheet juule I did have some moments of feeling very hard done by when friends' husbands bought them this that or the other but if you probe into it at all, you invariably find that it's the women who seem all pink and fluffy and bubbly and seem to just GET stuff, who actually have a core of steel and have let their men know that they will cut off their balls and eat them unless they get a 'surprise' diamond for each baby etc.

I guess there may be the odd man out there who will do this stuff unbidden - but I've not met him personally yet!

TheMNPeacekeepingForce · 26/12/2007 19:20

Broody - the IVF will have been hard (i started that thread about AIBU because I've just started again and dh wasn't being that supportive) and I definitely think if you've gone through all that to have a baby the reality of having one can be quite hard/ unexpected.

I know people who've had infertility issues often feel they can't complain about the tough stuff involved in being a new parent because they feel they should just be so damn grateful for having that longed for baby. Might he feel like this?

That said the comment re NYE was terrible. I do think it is unreasonable to be annoyed he didn't get a pressie from your dc as frankly only a few dhs think of that sort of thing.

I think you need a good sit down with him where you can ask him if he is happy so he has a channel to get anything bothering him out in the open instead of making nasty comments.

slng · 26/12/2007 19:21

Honestly I would never expect anyone to get me a gift "from" my children on their behalf! Not until they can either demand it or go and buy it themselves. I might even feel insulted (it's all hypothetical) if someone (other than me) presumes to act on behalf of the little dears without their consent ... Am I odd!?

Elasticwoman · 26/12/2007 20:00

YANBU to expect a Christmas present from dh. YABU to expect one from a 9 month old baby. Embarrassing remark made in public at the dining table - yes he was out of order to say it but he probably didn't plan it and the more you demand an apology, the less likely you are to get one.

CrushWithEyeliner · 26/12/2007 20:41

er sing that is a bit odd, it is a sweet thing to do, not obgliatory but a really caring gesture. I honestly think he could have got her a gift from both himself and the LO - she wasn't expecting Tiffany earings - just a little something to show he is thinking of her.

ninedragons · 27/12/2007 02:08

Agree with Honoria. It simply doesn't occur to most men.

When a close friend of mine was pregnant, I said to her husband (also an excellent friend of mine, so I wasn't overstepping any boundaries) right, I know she really likes my antique watch and here are some links to ones just like it. When the baby comes you can have its name and date of birth engraved on the back of the case.

It hadn't occurred to him to get her a present, but when he gave her the watch he was so overwhelmed by her reaction that he cried, so he was thrilled that I'd taken him in hand. Now, of course, he thinks I am Present Guru and gets me to send him a detailed list of links to things she'd like each birthday and Christmas. Everybody is happy - his stock has risen with her and she is one of the few women on earth who is married to a heterosexual man yet unwraps a pair of Jimmy Choos on Christmas morning.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/12/2007 08:15

slng, I don't think you are odd at all! I also have never expected a gift to be brought for me by DH 'from' my child. Truth be told it strikes me as deeply naff. I'd rather he just told me how much he appreciates what I do as mother to his child.

ninedragons what an excellent friend you are. I do approve of presents being given by your man when you have a baby Tis the least they can do, really, isn't it.

FlamesparodyOfAChristmasName · 27/12/2007 08:24

Ninedragons - does your friend know you are the one telling her DH what to buy?

andfranksentthis · 27/12/2007 08:51

Yes the comment was unpleasant and YANBU to feel hurt by it...but the best thing is to let it go now and leave it be. He says he did not intend to hurt you. I am sure that is right. The more you niggle at this the bigger it is going to get and you are going to end up remembering your first christmas with your new lo only for this hurt. Talk to him about it later at another time when you feel he is more approachable. And forgive him now for not getting you anything for all the reasons given above but mostly bacause he is a man and they DO NOT THINK LIKE THAT.

ninedragons · 27/12/2007 16:57

She knows I am involved on a consultancy basis, but that the final choice is his (obviously). I usually give him about 15 things I am sure she would love and he chooses one or two.

I pretended to have had nothing to do with the watch but in his emotional state he blubbered that I'd actually bought it for him because he didn't know how to use eBay. To his credit, he did pick the nicest of the 20 or so watches I sent him, so it's not like he just handed me his Visa card and told me to get on with it.

So my advice for the OP would be either be blunt next year, or conscript a friend to be blunt on your behalf.

Quattrocento · 27/12/2007 17:06

YANBU

I am sorry you have been made to feel wretched. I think you should both go to relationship counselling.

yULeYSEES · 27/12/2007 17:13

YANBU he needs to grow up

ninedragons, that's a nice relationship you all have Better than him wasting his money too.

tinky4 · 27/12/2007 19:45

Hey, Ive just read your messages and as a mum who has not understood her man either, just be reassured that it is nothing to do with you. My ex husband has taken years to try and get over his dad dying. I found out i was pregnant thro infertility treatment too and i really thought it would change everything. Sadly it didnt and if you really love this man and want to be with him then try and get out together and just spend quality time with just you. Having a baby is a very big thing for a couple and it is very tiring. Try and get someone to look after the baby that you trust and try and catch up on as much sleep as you can and i promise everything looks better after a nights sleep and a good meal. Little steps and everything takes time..

FlamesparodyOfAChristmasName · 28/12/2007 18:33

that's ok then Dragons! I was all concerned that she thought she had this fab DH and had no idea it was you

Original poster

Broodymomma · 28/12/2007 19:37

Thanks everyone. Been another rotten day - ds has a ear infection so has been screaming his little head off all day. DH has decided he is chirpy enough to go out with the boys tonight - shame he couldnt make the same effort with me. Am now sat in on my own with a unhappy baby whilst he goes out yet again with the lads and will be no use tomorrow as he will have a hangover. Im so peed off!

OP posts:

KIMIfullofhopefor2008 · 28/12/2007 19:53

Lock the door and let the fucker sleep on the doorstep.

Quattrocento · 28/12/2007 21:50

I'm getting fed up with this.

Why does he get to go out time and again while you stay in?

How did that happen?

Original poster

Broodymomma · 28/12/2007 22:21

He got a text off a mate at work to see if he wanted to go out and as I was in anyway he decided to accept. I think I am past the point of caring. He works in the Brewery business so he says it is "trade visits" - he is on 2 weeks binkin holiday though.

OP posts:

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