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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there's nothing wrong with giving my 17yr old daughter a bit of wine

78 replies

quaser14 · 15/01/2022 03:06

So I'm a mother married to a black Irish guy. He was born here but still maintains a lot of his culture.

Our relationship is lovely and thankfully we've had few issues however one of the few things we clash on is what we allow our daughter to do. She's a good girl and doesn't have many friends but got envious of seeing her other classmates go out to parties and have fun. I was okay with this (even knowing there was alcohol). I told her that if there was, that she should drink in moderation. This was when she was 16.

My husband thinks it's not acceptable as it could distract her from her studies. He's not really a big drinker (as well as his family). Even though she's almost a few months from 18, he's still not comfortable with her having a glass of wine during her birthday which is coming up at the start of February.

I think he's being a bit extreme. I remember when I was at that age, I went out with my friends, partied, and drank a bit. Even smoked a bit of weed. My parents maintained a 'harm reduction' approach. They never encouraged me to take drugs/alcohol and told me too much could substantially impact my life but they allowed me to have drinks once in a while to remove the taboo aspect that draws many teens into substances.

I got good grades and went to a good college and drink a lot more then while still focusing on my studies. My husband and I really doesn't see eye to eye on this. Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Colouringaddict · 15/01/2022 03:21

No one is going to win this battle. Like you my parents practised an “all things in moderation” method. My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic and although we were protected from it for most of our growing up, by the time I was about 15 there was no hiding it. My parents would have a couple of drinks on a Saturday evening, and on really special occasions we were allowed a very weak snowball or a baby ham mixed with lemonade. Whilst my friends were sneakily drinking in the park on a Friday night, it held no appeal, because drink was something we could have at home.

I raised my children in a very similar way. The first time they were tipsy it was at home with me, I think they were about 16 at the time. I was able to monitor what they drank and how much. We live near a big grassy area and it was common for a crowd of youngsters to sit up there on a weekend evening in the summer. I always provided my DC with the alcohol they would drink, and made sure that they knew this was an exercise in trust, if they broke that trust the consequences would be that they would no longer be allowed to congregate with friends on a summers evening.

My eldest is not a great drinker, maybe has a couple on a very special occasion but can take it or leave it. My youngest is in a relationship where the in laws really don’t have a healthy regard to alcohol and they’ve been sucked into it, although they are an adult and well able to make their own decision.

I think making anything taboo or banned is likely to arouse curiosity even more. If your DD is going to be 18 at the end of next month, there is very little your DH can do to stop her, she is an adult.

Lucia23 · 15/01/2022 03:22

He sounds overkill. It is totally normal for kids younger than that to have wine at dinner in various countries in Europe.

I think if you hold the reigns too tightly you'll face a backlash or crazier phase later on.

Broblem · 15/01/2022 03:23

I’m a bit confused; how can she be a ‘almost a few months’ from 18 if it’s her birthday at the start of February? Do you mean she’ll be 18 in a couple of weeks but he still isn’t happy with her having a glass of wine on her birthday?

And how is his black Irish culture relevant? (My own ignorance might be showing here).

Broblem · 15/01/2022 03:32

baby ham mixed with lemonade

ThinWomansBrain · 15/01/2022 03:56

was amused by baby ham & lemonade too.

Bussinbussin · 15/01/2022 04:23

I can't figure out how old this girl is supposed to be. She's 17 in the title, she 'was 16', she has a birthday in a couple of weeks yet she's 'almost a few months away' from 18?

Anyway, a bit of wine in that age range wouldn't bother me.

AlDanvers · 15/01/2022 04:55

As someone who is Irish. I am not sure how him being black Irish is relevant? Where are you from?

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to have drink on occasion. My 17 year old also drinks on occasion. She had a baileys and hot milk with me last night.

Original poster

quaser14 · 15/01/2022 05:56

@AlDanvers

As someone who is Irish. I am not sure how him being black Irish is relevant? Where are you from?

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to have drink on occasion. My 17 year old also drinks on occasion. She had a baileys and hot milk with me last night.

I specified that because I realise it's most likely a cultural issue. My husband is ethnically African but grew up here.

I have a few African friends who don't drink for religious reasons but he isn't religious by any means and yet doesn't drink. He says it doesn't suit him. In general, he'd be very critical of people who use drugs and alcohol.

OP posts:

anotherbrewplease · 15/01/2022 06:10

I'm with your husband on this one. Why are people so keen to encourage drinking alcohol?

anotherbrewplease · 15/01/2022 06:11

And yes - I'm critical of people who use drugs. It's illegal and unnecessary to have fun.

Emily199034 · 15/01/2022 06:25

I remember going to parties at 16 and having a few drinks. I used to think my parents was really cool for allowing me too. They made it clear where my boundaries was though and when I had to stop.

SunshineOnKeith · 15/01/2022 06:33

@anotherbrewplease

I'm with your husband on this one. Why are people so keen to encourage drinking alcohol?

It's not about encouraging drinking. It's about policing the behaviour of another adult.

@quaser14 your husband is teaching your DD to obey the wishes of men and you're enabling this. At 18 she'll be an autonomous adult and it's not up to your husband to police her choices.

Do you really want to raise a woman that constantly seeks approval/permission from the men in her life? That's a very dangerous behavioural pattern for women.

GlitterSquid · 15/01/2022 06:34

Certainly I'd let her have a little drink in the safety and security of your home. It sounds like she's generally a good, responsible girl (I was being irresponsible with drink much younger 🙄)
At 17 (nearly 18!) she can choose a career, own a car, drive to work, become a mother....

I would frown upon her drinking outside the home, unless legally allowed with a meal or a measured amount at a closed, good friend's party (where I knew the parents would be)

I do think your DH is being a bit U. He has to start giving her a little bit of autonomy at some point, but seeing as she's 18 very soon I'd be inclined to keep my powder dry and raise the argument once she's legally allowed to do so.

refraction · 15/01/2022 07:18

@Bussinbussin

I can't figure out how old this girl is supposed to be. She's 17 in the title, she 'was 16', she has a birthday in a couple of weeks yet she's 'almost a few months away' from 18?

Anyway, a bit of wine in that age range wouldn't bother me.

It literally says in the op. The example was from when her dd was 16. She is 18 in Feb so currently 17.

I think you are not unreasonable. He is being ridiculous.

refraction · 15/01/2022 07:21

In a few weeks she could go out and get absolutely palatic and he would have no say. Moderation is the key not making it a forbidden fruit.

AlDanvers · 15/01/2022 07:21

I specified that because I realise it's most likely a cultural issue. My husband is ethnically African but grew up here.

Ah right. I see that point. But black doesn't equal African. So people won't make a cultural connection based on skin colour.

Also, my extend family still use 'black irish' to mean white but with dark eyes and hair. My understanding is that its a very old term. So I was also a little confused.

@anotherbrewplease how is it encouraging drinking?

LovelyMoans · 15/01/2022 07:27

I think forbidding things entirely does mean a) making them enticing and b)encouraging teens towards sweet alcopop type drinks where you can hardly taste the alcohol, because these are often what they/friends buy when its them choosing.

By allowing her a small, controlled amount of a drink that they may not even like initially (lots of teens don't really like taste of wine or beer) the whole thing is less exciting all round.

ApolloandDaphne · 15/01/2022 07:42

He won't have a say in whether she drinks or not once she turns 18. She will be able to choose for herself.

AnxiousPixie · 15/01/2022 07:46

We teach our kids to grow up and be safe in the hope they will go out into the world and be safe happy adults.

Alcohol is a big part of uni/college/young person culture. I think helping our young adults experience it safely at home, with us, as well as telling them about the dangers is responsible parenting.

Rather than letting them go/move out to uni/college/where ever having never experienced it and suddenly going mad without knowing what to expect.

We help prepare our young people for every other aspect of adulthood. Why not this one? I'm with you OP.

And horribly in this world at the moment absolutely our girls need to know how alcohol affects then before they start going out and someone takes advantage of their vulnerability.

I very much wish my parents had done that for me OP.

DSGR · 15/01/2022 07:49

Of course you’re not unreasonable

Clarinet1 · 15/01/2022 07:51

I barely touch alcohol myself but I think that at nearly 18 a moderate intake is entirely reasonable. As PP have said, at some point she will be making these decisions on her own so it’s better she has some experience of drink and its effects before then. Also, I’m with those who suggest that removing the thrill of drinking illicitly makes sense.

sashh · 15/01/2022 07:56

Talk your DH through this.

If she goes to a party and either drinks too much or has her drink spiked would he want her to come home or to sit in a park trying to sober up because her dad will be angry with her? Or going to a 'friend's' to sober up, a friend she has just met?

Drunk teens make poor decisions. They should always be able to ask for help.

We teach children things in an age appropriate manner, when they are little we teach them to cross the road, even if they live on an island with only 100 people.

It's the same with alcohol, you teach drinking in a responsible way, whether she drinks or not it is part of the society she lives in, she will encounter it she needs to be fully informed of her choices.

Diditreallylookawful · 15/01/2022 07:58

Our DC is 16. They've never shown any interest in alcohol, but I certainly wouldn't mind them having a taste of it. When they have tried it they haven't liked it. I grew up having wine with water, or cider, with Sunday lunch. I don't see a problem with that as it was never 'forbidden fruit'.

Bussinbussin · 15/01/2022 07:58

It literally says in the op. The example was from when her dd was 16. She is 18 in Feb so currently 17.

If she's 18 in early Feb she's not 'almost a few months away from 18' is she?

dworky · 15/01/2022 07:59

I think yabu to allow him to severely limit your daughter's life.

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