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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's nothing wrong with giving my 17yr old daughter a bit of wine

78 replies

quaser14 · 15/01/2022 03:06

So I'm a mother married to a black Irish guy. He was born here but still maintains a lot of his culture.

Our relationship is lovely and thankfully we've had few issues however one of the few things we clash on is what we allow our daughter to do. She's a good girl and doesn't have many friends but got envious of seeing her other classmates go out to parties and have fun. I was okay with this (even knowing there was alcohol). I told her that if there was, that she should drink in moderation. This was when she was 16.

My husband thinks it's not acceptable as it could distract her from her studies. He's not really a big drinker (as well as his family). Even though she's almost a few months from 18, he's still not comfortable with her having a glass of wine during her birthday which is coming up at the start of February.

I think he's being a bit extreme. I remember when I was at that age, I went out with my friends, partied, and drank a bit. Even smoked a bit of weed. My parents maintained a 'harm reduction' approach. They never encouraged me to take drugs/alcohol and told me too much could substantially impact my life but they allowed me to have drinks once in a while to remove the taboo aspect that draws many teens into substances.

I got good grades and went to a good college and drink a lot more then while still focusing on my studies. My husband and I really doesn't see eye to eye on this. Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:
gogohm · 15/01/2022 13:48

Mine drank wine with meals from 16, which is in line with licensing laws in the U.K. they have turned out fine. Not allowing any freedoms is more likely to result in young people going off the rails at 18/freshers in my experience. Gradually being allowed to make decisions works

PinkSyCo · 15/01/2022 14:23

It doesn’t matter whether your DH is uncomfortable with your DD having a drink on her birthday or not. She will be 18 and it’d be her choice, not yours or his. Confused

Ljmumun · 15/01/2022 14:55

I'm with the let her try it with you in a safe environment side. 18 yr old son was allowed 1 glass of wine with a meal from about 16, very occasional 1/2 glass before this on special occasions ie Christmas , grandparents 50th anniversary form about 14 . I was brought up the same way . He knows his limits feels no need to drink to excess and drinks only at weekends. He's a student now but just been home for a month. No evidence of excess drinking. His friend stopped from drinking by his parents has been regularly returned home by my DS and another friend very drunk over the same period. To quote son WHY does he think its so clever.

Broblem · 15/01/2022 18:41

@hugr
What's the point in picking apart the OP? Perhaps she changed some details and got mixed up.
Because whether or not the OP’s daughter will be 17 or 18 at the time is relevant.

AllKindsOfWrong · 15/01/2022 19:04

I don't see the problem with her having wine, or alcohol of any variety at that age.
We always had a glass of wine with water with our evening meal when growing up, and the same with my children.
We all turned out fine.
What is he going to do when she's eighteen and wanting to go pubbing and clubbing with her friends and drinking alcohol, lock her in her room?

Original poster
quaser14 · 15/01/2022 21:03

Getting back to the culture point, is it a cultural issue that he looks down on it.

I think alcohol is just so intertwined in European culture that it's second nature to give children alcohol.

OP posts:
Broblem · 15/01/2022 21:35

I think people might have got confused by you calling him ‘black Irish’, because that term usually refers to white, Irish people with dark features.

But, if this is a thread about your daughter wanting to drink when she turns 18, can you explain the issue a bit more? Obviously she’ll be an adult and legally allowed to drink; do you think he will physically try and prevent it, or just disapprove? Will he be angry at you if you drink with her?

If he doesn’t like alcohol, you’re not going to convert him, but is the issue that he won’t respect yours and your daughter’s choices?

WhyYesYABU · 15/01/2022 21:38

I'm half Irish and half African and believe me the cultural thing is relevant. I spent a lot of my teens with my mum sneaking me out to school discos unbeknownst to my dad.

elelel · 15/01/2022 21:41

Even though she's almost a few months from 18, he's still not comfortable with her having a glass of wine during her birthday which is coming up at the start of February.

I can't wrap my head around this at all.

secular39 · 15/01/2022 22:29

Op, I think you are better off moving this thread to Black Mumsnetters.

My mum was African (dad white) but growing up, the thought of Alcohol wasn't entertained. To be honest, we didn't grow up around Alcohol and the 6 of us, all in our 20s, 30's and 40's, none of us drink alcohol till this day. It is very much a cultural thing, particularly among the Africans and Asians (not all families) but drinking is very much frowned upon unless you are attending a wedding or a party.

My ex and I had issues with the whole alcohol. He is from the Caribbean and is take on Alcohol was very laxed. I didn't allow him to bring Alcohol to the house as I didn't want my DC's to grow up around Alcohol and normalise it. To be he isn't, at 16, I wouldn't have given my eldest DS and not something I would have actively encouraged.

secular39 · 15/01/2022 22:31

@IamtheDevilsAvocado

It sounds utter overkill... Essentially banning her from alcohol is a sure fire way of making it a very attractive prospect.

Does he realise by Feb he will jave no legal say, and in all chances, your daughter will jave been exposed to alcohol outside the house.

I had many pals growing up in these type of situations... They ALL (at points) , went off the rails with alcohol... As no one had shown them how to drink responsibly.

Then studying thing is daft... Is he sure that everyone who got very good degrees didn't touch alcohol? Ever?

I didn't. You are your company.

If I had friends who drank (heavily) and didn't mock my choices of not drinking, then yes I would have likely drank.

However, the majority of my friends were Muslim and even though some drank (behind their parents back!) most did not do it excessively and none of them mocked or found it odd that I wouldn't drink.

secular39 · 15/01/2022 22:35

@WhyYesYABU

I'm half Irish and half African and believe me the cultural thing is relevant. I spent a lot of my teens with my mum sneaking me out to school discos unbeknownst to my dad.
Ha! My mum did the same! Oh what joy!
Mossstitch · 15/01/2022 22:48

I'm in the camp of allowing them to drink in the safety of home first so they know how it feels and discourages them having too much when out with friends. It's worked with my three sons who were allowed from about 14 to have a small beer or glass of cava/prosecco, one doesn't like it at all and never drinks and the other two drink in a controlled fashion.

Broblem · 15/01/2022 22:50

@Mossstitch

But I think we’re talking about an adult here.

PenelopePitstop79 · 16/01/2022 00:04

As an Irish youngster, I was coerced at school to take "the pledge" not to drink alcohol til I was 18. My teacher stood over me til I signed it.

This was the case with all my peers. Consequently, alcohol was a major draw for many of our generation.

A number of people had parents who offered them a glass of wine. Those people couldn't give a flying shite about getting drunk at the weekend on the 15th century walls. It had taken all the excitement out.

I will be doing this with my kids. Offering them a glass of something at home so they are less likely to be vulnerable to crime etc.

PenelopePitstop79 · 16/01/2022 00:09

Sorry I meant a very tiny number of parents offered their kids a drink. The majority of local parents were in the highly conservative camp and would have gone off their head. Obviously as a teenager, this meant the whole drinking thing developed a sense of rebellion, serious glamour and mystique. The kids whose parents had offered them a drink just looked bored by any discussions of illicit drinking.

SantaClawsServiette · 16/01/2022 00:18

I don't think the occasional drink with a meal at home with parents is a problem. I would avoid it outside the home, unless it's a similar kind of situation with a meal and trusted adults.

But it's also ok to wait until the legal drinking age.

Usually in these kinds of disagreements, if both approaches are basically ok, I think it's better to go with the more conservative person's preference.

Broblem · 16/01/2022 02:34

Usually in these kinds of disagreements, if both approaches are basically ok, I think it's better to go with the more conservative person's preference.
And the 18 year old doesn’t get a say?

Colouringaddict · 16/01/2022 03:36

@Broblem

baby ham mixed with lemonade EnvyGrin
Admittedly it’s tough to get up a straw 😂😂
user1478172746 · 16/01/2022 03:57

"Regardless, the NIAAA researchers conclude that prevention programs and public health policies should be targeted at children under age 15 and underage drinking, in general, to try to delay the onset of drinking alcohol as long as possible." www.verywellmind.com/early-drinking-age-and-the-risk-of-alcoholism-69521 To those that give that glass to their youngsters. It's not that simple. Alcocholism is biochemical reaction.

AlDanvers · 16/01/2022 05:03

@user1478172746

"Regardless, the NIAAA researchers conclude that prevention programs and public health policies should be targeted at children under age 15 and underage drinking, in general, to try to delay the onset of drinking alcohol as long as possible." www.verywellmind.com/early-drinking-age-and-the-risk-of-alcoholism-69521 To those that give that glass to their youngsters. It's not that simple. Alcocholism is biochemical reaction.
Did you actually read that link?
RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 16/01/2022 05:18

@secular39

Op, I think you are better off moving this thread to Black Mumsnetters.

My mum was African (dad white) but growing up, the thought of Alcohol wasn't entertained. To be honest, we didn't grow up around Alcohol and the 6 of us, all in our 20s, 30's and 40's, none of us drink alcohol till this day. It is very much a cultural thing, particularly among the Africans and Asians (not all families) but drinking is very much frowned upon unless you are attending a wedding or a party.

My ex and I had issues with the whole alcohol. He is from the Caribbean and is take on Alcohol was very laxed. I didn't allow him to bring Alcohol to the house as I didn't want my DC's to grow up around Alcohol and normalise it. To be he isn't, at 16, I wouldn't have given my eldest DS and not something I would have actively encouraged.

But the OP is in Ireland though, and is raising her DD there, within the cultural norms of Ireland, so I’m not sure why moving the discussion to another forum might help.

In Ireland, alcohol is part of most social functions - that’s not a good or bad thing, it just is what it is.

So her DH effectively banning it, is going against the social norms of the country they’re in.

The best possible thing they can do is encourage their DD to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, use it responsibly, and definitely don’t see it as some sort of forbidden fruit.

I’m bemused that the DH has got the age he has, and not realised how social events function in the country he calls home.

tryagaintonot · 16/01/2022 07:54

Interestingly my DH, who is Irish, has the same opinion - his parents were Pioneers (abstinence from alcohol) so alcohol for him in the home growing up was not a thing.

My DH himself was just a much a drinker in college as everyone else, but now with our kids he is very puritan. I personally lean towards the introduce at home as it is what I experienced.

DinosaurDuvet · 16/01/2022 08:16

I was forbidden from drinking, even when over 18. In turn I didn’t know how to drink and then went a bit mad when at uni. Wouldn’t recommend that route (I understand why they did it, having grown up with alcoholism in their family).

DinosaurDuvet · 16/01/2022 08:17

Also Irish, if relevant

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