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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there's nothing wrong with giving my 17yr old daughter a bit of wine

78 replies

quaser14 · 15/01/2022 03:06

So I'm a mother married to a black Irish guy. He was born here but still maintains a lot of his culture.

Our relationship is lovely and thankfully we've had few issues however one of the few things we clash on is what we allow our daughter to do. She's a good girl and doesn't have many friends but got envious of seeing her other classmates go out to parties and have fun. I was okay with this (even knowing there was alcohol). I told her that if there was, that she should drink in moderation. This was when she was 16.

My husband thinks it's not acceptable as it could distract her from her studies. He's not really a big drinker (as well as his family). Even though she's almost a few months from 18, he's still not comfortable with her having a glass of wine during her birthday which is coming up at the start of February.

I think he's being a bit extreme. I remember when I was at that age, I went out with my friends, partied, and drank a bit. Even smoked a bit of weed. My parents maintained a 'harm reduction' approach. They never encouraged me to take drugs/alcohol and told me too much could substantially impact my life but they allowed me to have drinks once in a while to remove the taboo aspect that draws many teens into substances.

I got good grades and went to a good college and drink a lot more then while still focusing on my studies. My husband and I really doesn't see eye to eye on this. Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 15/01/2022 08:32

Safety at home no problem out of the house with friends nope

saraclara · 15/01/2022 08:33

My husband thinks it's not acceptable as it could distract her from her studies

I don't get this. Is she supposed to study 24/7? This sounds like he didn't want her to go out and socialise at all.
If she's out with friends, it doesn't make any difference to her studies whether she has a glass of wine or a glass of orange juice. She's not studying either way.

He sounds very controlling. Is that why she doesn't have many friends? Does he not like her going out?

Alternatively he's scared of alcohol and thinks she's going to turn into a lush. Which is also unreasonable and he needs to have more respect for her (and for those of us who enjoy a glass of wine with our dinner).

hugr · 15/01/2022 08:41

@Bussinbussin

It literally says in the op. The example was from when her dd was 16. She is 18 in Feb so currently 17.

If she's 18 in early Feb she's not 'almost a few months away from 18' is she?

What's the point in picking apart the OP? Perhaps she changed some details and got mixed up.

Limer · 15/01/2022 08:42

YANBU. Your daughter should be allowed a drink on her 18th birthday, if she wants one.

Ridiculous that your DH is attempting to ban something that's legal.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/01/2022 08:43

It sounds utter overkill... Essentially banning her from alcohol is a sure fire way of making it a very attractive prospect.

Does he realise by Feb he will jave no legal say, and in all chances, your daughter will jave been exposed to alcohol outside the house.

I had many pals growing up in these type of situations... They ALL (at points) , went off the rails with alcohol... As no one had shown them how to drink responsibly.

Then studying thing is daft... Is he sure that everyone who got very good degrees didn't touch alcohol? Ever?

Lex345 · 15/01/2022 08:45

Yes I would absolutely allow her to have drinks at home. Its not about encouraging drinking, it is being realistic that she will in all likelihood try alcohol at some stage and it is highly preferable she does that in a safe environment and learns where her limit is. If she is going to drink, she will whether you allow her to try at home first or not. When we were young, we were sat on the park drinking and there was no moderation. Luckily, we looked after the one that had too much (there was always one) but looking back, it was pretty risky. I would much rather my children try a few drinks at home and know their limit than letting them find out the way I did. I am only surprised you have got to 17 without this being an issue before to be honest.

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 15/01/2022 08:51

My mum wasnt a drinker but we were allowed alcohol from a very young age, with a meal or at Christmas. It was just never a big thing.

All four of us have a very take it or leave it attitude towards alcohol, ive never been drunk. I'm happy to have a couple and that's it. I do think being taught sensible limits at home is the reason why....... So many of my friends had a blanket ban and were off drinking themselves half to death in a field somewhere whereas we just didn't see the appeal.

HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat · 15/01/2022 08:51

My eldest was allowed to drink with me and / or dh throughout his teenage years. We had zero episodes of him drinking too much at parties, if anything he would get fed up with the other 15/16 year olds getting their hands on alcohol and going wild because they weren't allowed it normally.
My youngest will be allowed to do the same, he's almost a teenager now.
It's sensible to teach them the effects / consequences of different drinks. Educate them about units, the risks of large quantities of spirits, what to do if they feel they or a friend have drunk too much.

EmmaPaella · 15/01/2022 08:55

Yes I think this is complete overkill. And very controlling which could massively backfire.

liveforsummer · 15/01/2022 09:06

Presumably her birthday drink will be when she's 18 anyway? Of course it's ok to let her have wine it's not really anyone else's decision at that point except hers

middleager · 15/01/2022 09:16

I don't know about this one.

My parents were relaxed about me drinking from 14 onwards. As a result, I got into some pretty hairy situations with booze.

I have two nearly 16 year olds who aren't interested in going out or drinking yet.
Their friend drinks regularly as their mother doesn't want to make it taboo. When we went over, she practically threw booze at my DS. Making them feel odd for never having had a drink.

We have a culture of celebrating alcohol. As I say, I was a heavy drinker when younger. I'm not teetotal now either, have a couple each weekend, but I can moderate this now I'm older.

I am not convinced by encouraging it/not making it 'taboo' helps, as their friend only drinks regularly as the mom introduced it! Has normalised this, that at 15 he was enjoying a few drinks every weekend with the family.

But at 17 turning to 18, the choice will soon be your daughter's.

RobotValkyrie · 15/01/2022 09:17

He sounds overbearing. Almost controlling. Yuck.

Erictheavocado · 15/01/2022 09:28

My family had a very easy attitude towards alcohol - it was not forbidden, we were allowed a very watered down taste of wine on special occasions, a babycham at Christmas etc. Both my sibling and me grew up with a take it or leave it attitude to it. DH and I took the same approach with our dcs. One just doesn't like the taste, so doesn't drink and the other drinks rarely and not to excess. Otoh, my bils are very alcohol orientated and actively encouraged their dcs to drink from (to me) a young age. It is very sad to see my nieces and nephews at a social gathering when the only objective for them is to get as drunk as possible.
OP, I honestly don't know who is right - your approach worked for me and my sibling as well as for my own dcs, but clearly dh's parent's approach wasn't right for his dB's, so I expect it is also down to the personality of the DC. I do think though, that an outright ban only serves to make them all the more curious and likely to try on the sly, and that is when problems can occur.

saraclara · 15/01/2022 09:35

She will be 18 so she can do what she likes. Him saying that she can't is simply going to result in her having to defy him. He might as well have said she's not allowed to get her driving license at 17 or any other age related right.

She will be an adult, and denying her a right that she has is only going to end in a division between them, and secrecy on her part.

He clearly can't handle her growing up, and is looking to control her.

pilates · 15/01/2022 09:35

YANBU
I would allow it. She’s nearly an adult.

Staryflight445 · 15/01/2022 09:54

‘ anotherbrewplease

I'm with your husband on this one. Why are people so keen to encourage drinking alcohol?’

Because many parents realise it’s far safer to introduce them to it and be around whilst they learn about it.

Memyselfandfood · 15/01/2022 09:57

She’s nearly 18. My parents were extremely strict but at 16 nearly 17 even i was out at the pub and clubs ( the ones that would let me in!) and drinking!

TheTeenageYears · 15/01/2022 11:29

DC's boarding school allows beer/wine for sixth form pupils in a controlled way. Social events and Saturday evenings. It's not illegal to drink, it's illegal to sell it to someone under 18. A 16/17year old can go to a pub/restaurant with someone 18 and older and legally drink beer or wine providing it accompanies a meal. Making it a taboo opens up the possibilities of huge issues. Everything in moderation and I would much rather my DC felt they could come to me if they hit a problem while drinking than not and I barely drink.

Piggyk2 · 15/01/2022 11:32

Have you explained that your DD can leave home if she wants? Travel the world and do whatever she would like?

I suspect she won't be a big wine fan anyway that young. If your DD wants to party its her life. That's what the young years are for!

mbosnz · 15/01/2022 11:39

I do not agree with the 'teach kids to use alcohol safely by allowing them to drink from an early age'. My family did this with a history of alcoholism on both sides - it was totally irresponsible, and more to do with normalising their alcohol usage than teaching us to use it responsibly, and has done untold harm for a number of generations.

Having said that - in a couple of months, she's going to be able to legally drink with or without her parents' permission. The other thing I don't agree with, is not allowing a young person to learn how to socialise, party, self regulate and balance social life and work (so study) until they leave home to go to university or whatever, because yet again, from personal experience, that can backfire abysmally!

It's a matter of discussion and negotiation, setting agreed boundaries. Your husband needs to be aware that his own personal prejudices and desires are not the primary concern or driver here.

FinallyHere · 15/01/2022 13:06

@anotherbrewplease

I'm with your husband on this one. Why are people so keen to encourage drinking alcohol?

DH grew up in Bristol. His first taste of alcohol was a pint, bought for him by his father on his 18th birthday.

I grew up in continental Europe. My parents also Irish, are not big drinkers but there would be wine on the table for special meals. I don't remember how old I was when I was first given a glass of 'wine', a teaspoon of wine in a glass of water.

DH regularly drinks a lot, I can take or leave alcohol. Occasionally have a glass with a meal but as often as not don't finish it.

I think stopping access to alcohol til adult hood gives it a glamour and encourages the culture of drinking heavily. Having access to alcohol in moderation removes that 'forbidden' glamour and leads to no special urge to drink

BertieQueen · 15/01/2022 13:10

Your husband is going to end up pushing your daughter away. She will be 18 and a adult she can even get married if she wanted to.

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 15/01/2022 13:14

mbosnz there's a difference between alcoholics drinking excessively round kids and making the connect it with getting paralytic to have a good time and teaching healthy drinking habits.
In my family adults would get tipsy at the most, alcohol wasnt the centrepoint to a good time. Adults having one or two cans was the norm.... We were allowed alcohol from a very young age. Certainly a snowball at Christmas from junior school age. If my mums friend came round to share a bottle of wine I'd be given a glass with lemonade. But I never saw drunken behavior, all of us as adults can take it or leave it. My dc were brought up the same, even my dd who has Autism and learning disabilities knows her limits and sticks to no more than two drinks.

Piggyk2 · 15/01/2022 13:25

@mbosnz

It's a matter of discussion and negotiation, setting agreed boundaries. Your husband needs to be aware that his own personal prejudices and desires are not the primary concern or driver here.

What are you discussing at 18?

mbosnz · 15/01/2022 13:27

@TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil

mbosnz there's a difference between alcoholics drinking excessively round kids and making the connect it with getting paralytic to have a good time and teaching healthy drinking habits. In my family adults would get tipsy at the most, alcohol wasnt the centrepoint to a good time. Adults having one or two cans was the norm.... We were allowed alcohol from a very young age. Certainly a snowball at Christmas from junior school age. If my mums friend came round to share a bottle of wine I'd be given a glass with lemonade. But I never saw drunken behavior, all of us as adults can take it or leave it. My dc were brought up the same, even my dd who has Autism and learning disabilities knows her limits and sticks to no more than two drinks.

I totally agree. By that, I was meaning more, be aware of your family's relationship and history with alcohol. There's no one good way of ensuring people have a less negative relationship with alcohol, for some, the occasional glass from a relatively young age is a good way to go, for others - not so much! '

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