Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp doesnt actually like me

80 replies

Ann46 · 14/01/2022 23:21

For ages now we have had issues. He promises to resolve things and never does. He says he will seek counselling or change his ways and he doesnt. He is emotionally unavailable towards me. He says he cares but he doesnt show it. We dont have sex, we dont kiss. We cuddle and can be playful and that is about it.

I dont like kissing but ive even asked him to kiss me again and he hasnt. He has admitted to living complacent even though he knows it upsets and hurts me. It makes me thinks he just wants me around because we have a child together but he doesnt want to actually bother with me as a person or address or work on my needs.

Today we just had an argument as his parents had recently got involved with his lack of can do atittude towards our relationship and he said he loves me and wants to work on things but doesnt know why he cant. He blames our money situation alot which is abunch of bs.

Since he parents spoke to him he had a kick up his ass but now its been a week since and nothing has changed. He has booked counselling (which i had to coach him to do) but i challenged him and asked why he hasnt even asked me out yet as we rarely spend quality time together and recognised that was part of the problem. He admitted it doesnt come naturally to him to ask me out even if its just for a drink or a walk. I mean what the hell???? Surely if you love someone asking them out isnt rocket science and doesnt require brain power.

Im at a loss with it all. He is good pratically wise but anyone could do the things he does, its just like he is in the swing of things but it requires minimal effort. I think he just doesnt like me at all. In fact i dont even know if he truely likes women all that much. I am his first partner and my instincts are telling me something is majorly wrong here. I have made all the excuses under the sun for his behaviour (and lack of) but im starting to think there isnt much to it other than he doesnt genuinely like me.

Aibu? I feel like i should just leave tomorrow. I have no where to go and no money but i cant take this fakeness and false promises of change anymore. Im only 24

OP posts:
Original poster
Ann46 · 14/01/2022 23:23

This has been going on for nearly 3 years but has gotten worse more so

OP posts:
ClemDanFango · 14/01/2022 23:25

I think you’re right. He’s not in to you but sounds like he just wants ‘someone’ around so he isn’t lonely.
Move on, there’s someone out there who will be in to you.
What’s the finances situation? Why haven’t you got any money?

BloomingTrees · 14/01/2022 23:27

You're only 24! Your post reads like a 40 something who's been married for 20 years.

Why have you got no money ? You need a job to support yourself and your child.

There's so much better out there for you.

Original poster
Ann46 · 14/01/2022 23:27

I left a job then found out i was pregnant. Pandemic hit and havent been able to get a job since. Dc is only 1. When ever i accuse dp of not liking me he gets really angry and aggresive in nature. I just confronted him with the idea and he threw a pillow at me and told me it hurt him that im lying

OP posts:
Codswallop20 · 14/01/2022 23:29

You are 24. Go, live life. Don't bear him a thought or bat an eyelid.

He needs to mature, as do you. Parent well together and try not to put any of your relationship crap on your child.

This part is difficult but very important.

Work on your own needs and those of DC. You can't change other people, only how you respond to their behaviour

Original poster
Ann46 · 14/01/2022 23:32

@Codswallop20 in all respect i am 24 nearing 25 and even though on paper i guess that sounds young compared to most people my age i have gone through alot of hardships in my life. I dont think my mental maturity is the problem here. I just think my partner wont admit his true feelings and is keeping me in a horrible limbo with false sense of hopes. Everything ive done and am doing is for my dc who is now my world. I am fighting to keep our family together whilst he seems to not care even though ive told him if he doesnt get his act together he will lose me and our family.

OP posts:
BoatisBoatShirley · 14/01/2022 23:32

Please get rid of him. I’m a decade older than you and have wasted my twenties on crap men that didn’t put in the effort. It’s left me a shadow of the person I had hoped to be. Get out while you can.

Choosingtochange · 14/01/2022 23:33

Hi, all I notice from your post is about "he" he feels that and he feels this. What about you? How do you feel? What do you want to do?

2022newyrnewme · 14/01/2022 23:36

I spent 5yrs hoping mine would change, not do the things he did to upset me etc..he didn’t. You’re young..enjoy your life with someone who cares. As long as you allow yourself to put up with it he will be who he is..and trust me I’m telling myself the same at the moment and know it’s not easy.

Original poster
Ann46 · 14/01/2022 23:38

@Choosingtochange i feel trapped and made a fool out of i guess.

Its hard to tell what i feel towards him specifically because i guess in a way i am waiting for him to become the person he says he is going to be for me so i can decide. As he is right now i feel nothing but anger. I loathe the way he is and what he is putting me through. Im trying to cry tonight because i feel so hurt by his comment on his pathetic excuse for not asking me out but i cant. I just want to knock him off our bed instead (putting it lightly)

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2022 23:44

YOU are the maker of your own misery. You are the only one who is making the choice to stay with this horrible, useless man.

Until you decide to raise your standards and get rid of this dead weight, you will continue to be miserable. Wake up and take responsibility for your life.

Choosingtochange · 14/01/2022 23:44

But he's never going to be that person you want is he. You can keep waiting and feel sad an miserable but it's your choice to make a change. Think about you, think about the kids. Then take steps to go forward lovely x

Choosingtochange · 14/01/2022 23:48

Anger and loathing jumped out to me with what you said. If that's how you feel you have to make the steps to leave. What is your housing situation?

Bjarnum · 14/01/2022 23:55

Are you sure he is not gay? DD had a similar experience but finally discovered her DP was watching gay porn and messaging men on a gay website

Scrabblecrabapple · 14/01/2022 23:58

You have tried he has not changed. You cannot do anymore. Do you really want to spend the next 60 years or more feeling unloved and unappreciated with no sex? It sounds so depressing.

Yaya26 · 15/01/2022 00:01

“ I just think my partner wont admit his true feelings”

Sorry but he has admitted his true feelings. He does not love you.

LadyPropane · 15/01/2022 00:02

Good grief, just leave him. It sounds like you've been banging your head against a brick wall for years and nothing is changing.

Ramp up the job hunt, get childcare into place, and get rid of this man.

Emerald5hamrock · 15/01/2022 00:02

You're right but it's his problem not you, you're so young, don't waste years trying to fix him, loving relationships shouldn't need so much mending or make you feel like a burden.

MrsDoraDumble · 15/01/2022 00:06

But you need to make your decision based on who he is… you can’t change a person. Don’t wait for a new shiny version, I don’t think he’s going to show up, and if he does it’ll only be short lived. It’s not that he doesn’t know what you want-he does! he knows.. he’s just not doing it. So the question is-can you stay with him as he is now…?

Original poster
Ann46 · 15/01/2022 00:10

@Bjarnum i have wondered this and asked him on a few occassions. Thing is he has plenty of gay men hit on him before i came along and never took up on the offer. His parents would love a gay son and are not oppossed to homosexuality at all so he has no reason to be closeted or untrue to himself. He insisits he isnt and if he is i dont really know why he would have to lie....but something is telling me there is something he is hiding and this would fit the bill

OP posts:
2022HowDoYouDo · 15/01/2022 00:11

This is a good life lesson to learn: focus on what people do not what they say. In other words, actions speak louder than words. He's never going to step up and you can't change him, you can only change how you respond to him. Don't waste your life on a waster.

Original poster
Ann46 · 15/01/2022 00:12

I havent discovered any gay porn before i have accidentally came acfoss his history and it was alot of anal. Given it wasnt his entire history and anal doesnt equate gay but out sex life has been very one sided (this is a whole different story) in that he doesnt try to please me and uses his lack of know how as his excuse. Matter of fact is he gave up trying pretty quickly

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2022 00:30

[quote Ann46]@Bjarnum i have wondered this and asked him on a few occassions. Thing is he has plenty of gay men hit on him before i came along and never took up on the offer. His parents would love a gay son and are not oppossed to homosexuality at all so he has no reason to be closeted or untrue to himself. He insisits he isnt and if he is i dont really know why he would have to lie....but something is telling me there is something he is hiding and this would fit the bill[/quote]
FFS, stop making excuses for him and stop grasping at straws. Your relationship is horrible, it doesn't matter why, it just is. Care more about yourself than any of these possible reasons why.

maddening · 15/01/2022 00:38

I would say make the decision that the relationship is over, however you don't need to change your relationship status or living conditions at this point, make the decision inside, allow yourself to detached emotionally as you know you are working towards your new life. Give yourself time now to get back in to the working world so that when you are ready you can get your ducks in a row and get out.

Dibbydoos · 15/01/2022 00:40

Could he be gay? It's terrible that so many non heterosexual people behave along social norms versus how they want to. Eg marry a person of the opposite sex when you know you're gay.

At 24 OP, you have both youth and opportunity on your side. You say you have no money. Do you work? Could you do more hours etc? I would def get out. Go live a little x