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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dp doesnt actually like me

80 replies

Ann46 · 14/01/2022 23:21

For ages now we have had issues. He promises to resolve things and never does. He says he will seek counselling or change his ways and he doesnt. He is emotionally unavailable towards me. He says he cares but he doesnt show it. We dont have sex, we dont kiss. We cuddle and can be playful and that is about it.

I dont like kissing but ive even asked him to kiss me again and he hasnt. He has admitted to living complacent even though he knows it upsets and hurts me. It makes me thinks he just wants me around because we have a child together but he doesnt want to actually bother with me as a person or address or work on my needs.

Today we just had an argument as his parents had recently got involved with his lack of can do atittude towards our relationship and he said he loves me and wants to work on things but doesnt know why he cant. He blames our money situation alot which is abunch of bs.

Since he parents spoke to him he had a kick up his ass but now its been a week since and nothing has changed. He has booked counselling (which i had to coach him to do) but i challenged him and asked why he hasnt even asked me out yet as we rarely spend quality time together and recognised that was part of the problem. He admitted it doesnt come naturally to him to ask me out even if its just for a drink or a walk. I mean what the hell???? Surely if you love someone asking them out isnt rocket science and doesnt require brain power.

Im at a loss with it all. He is good pratically wise but anyone could do the things he does, its just like he is in the swing of things but it requires minimal effort. I think he just doesnt like me at all. In fact i dont even know if he truely likes women all that much. I am his first partner and my instincts are telling me something is majorly wrong here. I have made all the excuses under the sun for his behaviour (and lack of) but im starting to think there isnt much to it other than he doesnt genuinely like me.

Aibu? I feel like i should just leave tomorrow. I have no where to go and no money but i cant take this fakeness and false promises of change anymore. Im only 24

OP posts:

Original poster

Ann46 · 15/01/2022 09:17

@maddening i have thought of that but i dont think i can cope with that. That would basically be keeping myself in the very situation which is driving me nuts. I hate living a lie

OP posts:

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 15/01/2022 09:23

God, stop waiting for him to turn into the man you want him to be!! How long will you wait? You've given him three years!

You're not happy. Neither is he. I'd end it.

Returnoftheowl · 15/01/2022 09:27

He's never going to turn into the man you want him to be. You either need to accept this or move on. He isn't going to change and he's repeatedly demonstrated this to you.

Twirldream · 15/01/2022 09:28

You can’t make someone change - they have to realise and make the changes themselves, and will only do this if they want to.

You’re young and have your whole life ahead of you. Plan to leave - make a huge effort to find a job, what childcare/housing support you could be entitled to, seek family/friend support, and move on with your life and leave him to his. Even his parents recognise he’s a rubbish partner!

tobedtoMN · 15/01/2022 09:44

No one is questioning your mental maturity. They are saying that you are far too young to settle for this. You have your whole life ahead of you.

rainbowstardrops · 15/01/2022 09:45

I agree, you're waiting for him to turn into a person that he isn't. If he had wanted to change then he would have by now.

BloomingTrees · 15/01/2022 13:55

he doesnt try to please me and uses his lack of know how as his excuse

plus he's crap in bed. Life really is too short.

Original poster

Ann46 · 15/01/2022 14:04

Thanks everyone for your advice. I just wanted to know from an outside perspective that i am interpreting this right and im not being a drama queen over nothing

Im tired of feeling unloved

Last night he told me he loved me (we never say it anymore) and it wasnt necessarily the way he said it but i just felt a huge pang of disingenuous with it

OP posts:

Original poster

Ann46 · 15/01/2022 14:07

Thing is i do believe that he thinks he loves me. What does he know he has never been with anyone before. No matter how many times i tell him the way he treats me and the things he puts me through means this is NOT love. Its so tiring and it hurts more when not only you have this realisation but it then becomes your job to make the other person realise. He likes having me there. But in terms of liking ME. Its not enough

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/01/2022 14:36

[quote Ann46]@Choosingtochange i feel trapped and made a fool out of i guess.

Its hard to tell what i feel towards him specifically because i guess in a way i am waiting for him to become the person he says he is going to be for me so i can decide. As he is right now i feel nothing but anger. I loathe the way he is and what he is putting me through. Im trying to cry tonight because i feel so hurt by his comment on his pathetic excuse for not asking me out but i cant. I just want to knock him off our bed instead (putting it lightly)[/quote]
Jeez.
.. What are you waiting for...??

Is it worth him even perusing counselling? .... It's not rocket science what he's not doing...

My nephew is a similar age to you, I'd be really upset if he stayed in a relationship like this.

If you love him still, you have to ask yourself why?

You say you've had a difficult background and be careful of narratives of 'loving people whatever' /unconditional love...
Anyone should only unconditionally love theur children.

Otherwise, it sets you up for a lifetime of pain /borderline abuse.

Concestor · 15/01/2022 14:42

It doesn't matter if he loves you, or thinks he does. What matters is whether you are happy and fulfilled in the relationship. You aren't. So get out. Tell him you aren't compatible, or that "it's not him it's you" or whatever. You deserve a good relationship where you're happy. He just isn't what you want, and that's ok.

Original poster

Ann46 · 15/01/2022 15:02

I just dont feel like i cant leave. Dps parents want us to wait until his counselling because everyone seems to be holding out on that fixing things

I feel suffocated and if i leave i feel like my reasoning is not justifiable to others

OP posts:

Emerald5hamrock · 15/01/2022 15:13

I ust dont feel like i cant leave. Dps parents want us to wait until his counselling because everyone seems to be holding out on that fixing things.
Yes of course they are, they're looking after their sons best interests not yours, take control if you don't want to break up yet and feel obliged to his parents, give them a deadline of 3 weeks.

I feel suffocated and if i leave i feel like my reasoning is not justifiable to others.
You really only need to justify it to yourself, when you think of been free does it relieve your mind? If yes, keep in mind they're looking after him not you, he has made you feel like an unlovable problem and now you're expected to help fix him.
My 2 bad relationships in life were both with people I was trying to fix.
Now in my forties I know I am not responsible for fixing any adult at the price of myself.

ShinyMe · 15/01/2022 15:13

But why on earth do his parents' opinions matter to you? It's YOUR relationship and YOUR life. You are allowed to make your own decisions for your own reasons, you don't have to justify them to anyone else, let alone the parents of someone who doesn't love you.

WonderfulYou · 15/01/2022 15:19

but i challenged him and asked why he hasnt even asked me out yet as we rarely spend quality time together and recognised that was part of the problem.

What happens when you ask him out?

I have gay friends who don’t fancy me but we still have loads of fun together and go out together.

He could be someone who isn’t attracted to anyone (can’t remember what it’s called) but that would just be an intimacy issue and your issues seem bigger than that.

Do you think he has depression?
Does he go out with his friends?

I think his parents are way too involved!!

Life is too short for this.
Take a break from each other. Ask him to move back to his parents for a while (which I’m sure they’re dreading which is why they’re so involved) but use that time to have some space and work out what you want. If he wants to get back with you he will show you.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/01/2022 15:20

@ShinyMe

This...

And even if he does the counselling... How sure are you tjat he could maintain ENOUGH change for EVER...

What you don't want to happen is a half arsed change... Then you're back in this position in 6/12 months....

Or there is a dramatic change... But it only last 1 year, 5 years... And then you'll have more kids... And even more diffocult to leave.

Original poster

Ann46 · 15/01/2022 15:22

@WonderfulYou we live with his parents. They cant help but be involved

OP posts:

Emerald5hamrock · 15/01/2022 15:25

As a condition to you waiting I'd be telling him he must stay with his parents until he is ready to step up.
Do you live in his parents? Didn't notice?
It'll give you space to breathe when he is gone.
You don't have to let him back in, he can still contribute financially, if he refuses then there is your answer.
Don't leave uprooting the baby unnecessarily.

Emerald5hamrock · 15/01/2022 15:27

we live with his parents. They cant help but be involved
Missed that.
That's a disaster, leave f you can.

IncompleteSenten · 15/01/2022 15:29

If you were to ask him what he loves about you, I bet he would be unable to answer.

He's not going to be one what you want him to be. That is clear.

So if you want a different life - you need to be the one to change it .

MsAgnesDiPesto · 15/01/2022 15:30

[quote Ann46]@WonderfulYou we live with his parents. They cant help but be involved[/quote]
You need to leave the situation so you’re not being swayed by being outnumbered.

You also need to leave because this life isn’t suiting you, and is actively bad for you. He can do his counselling whether you’re there or not, and once he’s worked on himself and his issues, if it changes him and he wants to win you back, he can come and talk to you then. You don’t have to wait around for him in the meantime. Go and find out what it’s like to be you, and see if you still want him if and when he sorts himself out.

Zombiemum1946 · 15/01/2022 15:30

Walk. This isn't going anywhere.

EmmasMum12 · 15/01/2022 15:35

You're very young. You're not trapped.

Get out, leave him, find your joy, love your life, live your life for you and your child, don't choose a man like him again

WonderfulYou · 15/01/2022 15:38

Why do you live with his parents?

Blue4YOU · 15/01/2022 15:47

OP - there’s a good chance he is gay or bisexual or asexual- I say that because your instinct says he’s hiding something and you don’t have sex, he doesn’t want physical intimacy but he clearly is interested in one particular form of pornography.
It still doesn’t matter though: what matters is he does not make you happy.
I’ll say that persuading someone to go to counselling rarely gets the results you want- he will probably leave counselling very quickly after starting it (I say that as my DH is a counsellor and almost every one who starts under duress leaves).
Start making firm plans and you’ll feel more in control of your own life.

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