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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dp doesnt actually like me

80 replies

Ann46 · 14/01/2022 23:21

For ages now we have had issues. He promises to resolve things and never does. He says he will seek counselling or change his ways and he doesnt. He is emotionally unavailable towards me. He says he cares but he doesnt show it. We dont have sex, we dont kiss. We cuddle and can be playful and that is about it.

I dont like kissing but ive even asked him to kiss me again and he hasnt. He has admitted to living complacent even though he knows it upsets and hurts me. It makes me thinks he just wants me around because we have a child together but he doesnt want to actually bother with me as a person or address or work on my needs.

Today we just had an argument as his parents had recently got involved with his lack of can do atittude towards our relationship and he said he loves me and wants to work on things but doesnt know why he cant. He blames our money situation alot which is abunch of bs.

Since he parents spoke to him he had a kick up his ass but now its been a week since and nothing has changed. He has booked counselling (which i had to coach him to do) but i challenged him and asked why he hasnt even asked me out yet as we rarely spend quality time together and recognised that was part of the problem. He admitted it doesnt come naturally to him to ask me out even if its just for a drink or a walk. I mean what the hell???? Surely if you love someone asking them out isnt rocket science and doesnt require brain power.

Im at a loss with it all. He is good pratically wise but anyone could do the things he does, its just like he is in the swing of things but it requires minimal effort. I think he just doesnt like me at all. In fact i dont even know if he truely likes women all that much. I am his first partner and my instincts are telling me something is majorly wrong here. I have made all the excuses under the sun for his behaviour (and lack of) but im starting to think there isnt much to it other than he doesnt genuinely like me.

Aibu? I feel like i should just leave tomorrow. I have no where to go and no money but i cant take this fakeness and false promises of change anymore. Im only 24

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 15/01/2022 15:50

I think he just doesnt like me at all. In fact i dont even know if he truely likes women all that much. I am his first partner and my instincts are telling me something is majorly wrong here.

Do you think you are his Beard, OP?

ChargingBuck · 15/01/2022 15:58

Apologies OP, I didn't cop on that the thread is already 3 pages & you've covered this.

Either way - you are unhappy, the counselling is a red herring as he isn't entering into it willingly or positively.
Your biggest problems are 1) housing 2) work & 3) imagining that what his parents think should influence your decisions.

Please start thinking about those problems, & how you can solve them. You need your independence back, so you can start living your young life in the way you want, free from the dragging weight of being unappreciated.

Josette77 · 15/01/2022 16:04

You need to get a job and move out f his parents. Have you always lived there? Or did he change since living there?

Kuachui · 15/01/2022 16:37

ah ive been here!!! okay so basically i was about 22 and dating a guy, suddenly he stopped wanting intimacy, no sex no kisses instead he would try to just use fingers on me to try pretend everything was fine. about 4 months of this went by until he met his ex, cheated on me which i found out straight away and then told me he liked me but just didnt feel Attracted to me anymore

blacksax · 15/01/2022 16:52

[quote Ann46]@WonderfulYou we live with his parents. They cant help but be involved[/quote]
So when he gets angry and aggressive, and throws a pillow at you, and whatever else, what do his parents say to him?

Why are you living with him and his parents?

Can you not leave him (and them) and move back in with your parents?

MananaTomorrow · 15/01/2022 17:12

You are 24yo.
I’d say stop wondering what he thinks, how he feels, why he is reacting in a certain way and not in another.

You need to start thinking about YOU. What do you want in life? Are you happy to live with someone who you can’t have sex or be intimate (I don’t mean sexually there) with? Is that ok if he doesn’t even bother to have a ‘date night’ with you?

Whatever the reason of his behaviour, you need to chose what works for you. And from your posts, it sounds that the current arrangement works for you.
You’ve given him plenty of chances. Even his parents stepped in. Nothing has changed. Do you think it will ever change? Or are you more hoping to get a Unicorn for Christmas?

Original poster

Ann46 · 16/01/2022 09:28

Update :

Dp apparently feels detached from everyone in his life and depressed even though he doesnt know why. I tried to call for a break and his parents told me to be the one to apologise ( for rowing) and make more of an effort when i literally have nothing left

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 16/01/2022 09:42

And this is why you need to stop paying attention to how his parents instruct you to behave, & get the hell out of their house OP.

MananaTomorrow · 16/01/2022 09:57

Well of course his parents will support him and you will be the vilain. This doesn’t mean you ave to accept to be treated like this.

If he is depressed as he said - and this will have been going on for years right?- the he should have done something about it. He should have gone to see his GP, a counsellor… all the things he said he was going to do but didn’t.

The reality is that you can’t live your life hoping that things will change and that he will suddenly not be depressed and back to his old nice self (Incl having sex, be intimate, caring etc etc).

I’d seriously start planning to leave. How would you cope financially etc… and tell him in black and white that either he does something or you leave.
Otherwise, you will still be there in 10 years time, still smoothing over things, still unhappy. The big difference is that it will have gone on for so long that your self esteem will be shattered and you will probably think it’s normal anyway.. (because it will have become YOUR normal iyswim).

I’m all about supporting someone who is unwell . Even more so because I AM unwell myself. But the person has to want to make things better. They have to want to be the best they can be, for the sake of people around them (and for their sake too).

Quartz2208 · 16/01/2022 10:02

His parents are clearly not wanting to have to deal with this so are making you

But it isnt your responsibility - you are a mother yourself and you need to prioritise

Do you have somewhere to go?

Original poster

Ann46 · 16/01/2022 10:16

@MananaTomorrow

Its hard because like you i am also going through my own things (traumatic birth) ect. But i dont let my emotional state affect our relationship to the point where i am completely checked out. Ive told dp i need him to step up so i can step down and work more on me. Right now im the only one carrying our relationship.

He said he is getting counselling tomorrow but so far no gp appointment. He cant even pin why he is depressed and i suspect its not depression but the fact that he cant deal with the responsibilities of having a dc. He has been very sheltered his whole life and never had to do anything.

It drives me insane because ive got real issues and i feel his are pathetic. Having a dc comes with hardships but for the most part its meant to be a joyful time.

I want to be supportive of him mentally but i cant when his parents have literally lectured him, so have i on numerous occassions and even though he has been told what he needs to do he still choices to do nothing.

Im furious no one has taken my call for a break seriously and that i am expected to put up with this.

What about me

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 16/01/2022 10:30

The balls in your court, not your partner’s or his parents. As long as you continue to wait for others change, things won’t.

Don’t waste more of your time waiting for him to be fixed, this is who he is and you can’t keep putting off things in the hopes he will be different.

IncompleteSenten · 16/01/2022 10:33

Nobody is going to care for you except you. You have to understand that.

Things aren't going to magically change into a living situation that makes you happy.

He doesn't give a shit. His parents won't want you moving out with the baby. They want you to shut up and just accept it.

The only way this changes is if you change it.

You are not going to get what you want - a loving husband who cares about you. That's simply not going to happen. You aren't in control of that. You can't make it happen.

Your actual choices are stay as you are or leave.

rainbowstardrops · 16/01/2022 10:39

Blimey, that's even worse that you live with his parents!
He has support in that case. I would leave and tell him he needs the counselling and to see a GP and when/if he gets on top of things, he can try to win you back (if that's what you want).
Definitely leave for now though because he's destroying you.

Original poster

Ann46 · 16/01/2022 10:40

@IncompleteSenten i know this!! And it drives me up the wall. When my dp "broke up" with me they didnt even batter an eyelid. They had nothing to say on it. But when i am crying my eyes out telling them i need a break for my own sanity they expect me to be the one to apologise!!! And not only that but to put up and shut up. Im going to talk to my dm and see if i can stay with her for even just a week

OP posts:

IncompleteSenten · 16/01/2022 10:45

If you do that, don't tell them it's just for a week.

Think carefully about whether you want to go back into a situation that is making you so unhappy.

Quartz2208 · 16/01/2022 10:47

Why are his parents so involved though - I know you are living with them but they seem to have a lot of control over both of you

Go to your mums

BreakingUpWithMyPhone · 16/01/2022 10:59

You don't need anyone else to agree to you breaking up with your partner, not even your partner. You do need to sort out alternative living arrangements though.

TillyTopper · 16/01/2022 11:04

OP you re only 24! Your post reads like someone weary of life in their fifties! You don't need this useless guy in your life please move on from him and definitely do not have any kids with him. Honestly I wouldn't be working on this relationship I'd be running from it! Good luck and make 2022 your year!

ShinyMe · 16/01/2022 13:24

You don't need their permission for 'a break'. That's a decision you make. You tell him (not them, it's none of their business) that you need a break, you take your things and your baby's things, and your baby, and you leave.

MananaTomorrow · 16/01/2022 13:41

My experience is that you need to walk the talk.
If you say you need a break, don’t carry on and on. By doing that, you are saying that yes a break would be nice but actually you are still coping.
Whereas your DH had down all the tools and is showing that he can’t cope - and is expecting people, you and his parents, to pick up the slack.

So even though you might be at the right place just now to make some big decisions, I’d, at least, take the break you need. That means let’s say, not washing the clothes up. Or going out on your own, leaving baby with him (don’t ask. Just state that’s what you are going to do). Take the break you need because you’ve already said loud and clear you need it. And now you would be doing what is right for you. What you need for your sake and your baby’s sake.

I suspect otherwise, no one is going to actually believe you and take your need for support seriously (see also the fact his parents are asking you to apologise . They see you as being OK despite the fact you are clearly not. And they see you like this because you somehow manage to act normally as if there was no issue).
At the very least YOU need to take that need for a rest/break seriously.

MananaTomorrow · 16/01/2022 13:43

Btw the expectation of put up and shit up is endemic in our society. That’s what women are expected to do again and again. There is no surprise that his parents expect that form you.

However, this doesnt mean YOU should expect from yourself to put up and shut up. If it doesn’t work for you, then it doesn’t. And you are allowed to move in, build your lie in a different way.

Hoppinggreen · 16/01/2022 13:48

[quote Ann46]@Bjarnum i have wondered this and asked him on a few occassions. Thing is he has plenty of gay men hit on him before i came along and never took up on the offer. His parents would love a gay son and are not oppossed to homosexuality at all so he has no reason to be closeted or untrue to himself. He insisits he isnt and if he is i dont really know why he would have to lie....but something is telling me there is something he is hiding and this would fit the bill[/quote]
Why did he have so many gay men hit on him?
Was he hanging out in gay bars or giving off certain vibes?
I know this sometimes happens to men but if it’s happened a lot I would wonder why
Just because his parents would be accepting of him being gay it doesn’t mean he isn’t in the closet

Dillydollydingdong · 16/01/2022 13:48

It's not worth all this heartache. He's the first in a long line of boyfriends, who hopefully you'll have a lot of fun with, before you finally settle down. He probably IS gay but just doesn't want to admit it.

JeshusHChr · 16/01/2022 13:59

The counselling won't help. You can't force someone to counselling.
They have to choose to go because they have decided they want to work on an aspect of themselves or their life. He hasn't. The counsellor won't be working to your agenda or goals, but to his.

Agree with others. Doesn't matter why he is like he is. Or that matters is that how he is is shit for you.

Work towards getting yourself free from him.

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