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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be frustrated to spend every evening alone

95 replies

Frustrated1502 · 14/01/2022 22:51

Dh comes home from work, eats the dinner that’s been cooked for him by me, sits on sofa and falls asleep.

Every Single Night!!

I look forward to seeing him, think about our evening together, cook a lovely meal etc.

Aibu to want a little bit more back. Even a conversation. If I try to speak, he glazes over as if to say he’s knackered and can’t be bothered to engage.

When he wakes up, he suddenly becomes really horrible. Spiteful, defensive and pretty vile. It’s either he feels crap for falling asleep yet again and becomes defensive, or he can’t handle the feeling of lethargy. I think the latter as he doesn’t handle emotions well.

I just feel so lonely. Am I bu

OP posts:

Pippa12 · 14/01/2022 22:57

I absolutely feel your pain with this. DH and I have 2 evenings together due to work commitments. It really pisses me off when he falls asleep on the only evenings I get adult conversation.

I just go to bed now and leave him downstairs. I read a book or watch tv in our room. No bad feeling, but I just get mad and sad staring at him snoring knowing I’ve more nights ahead without company.

Funnily enough, it doesn’t happen as much now I do this.

Original poster

Frustrated1502 · 14/01/2022 22:59

Sorry you feel the same.
I try and sneak up but he startles and wakes and then becomes really bad tempered and horrid. It’s a loose loose situation.
I long for someone to engage with me and make me feel listened to.
I’ve tried telling him. He gets cross. Then realised I really mean it, says sorry. But the next night we are back to the same emotional isolation

OP posts:

TYTY4 · 14/01/2022 23:00

Why do you put up with this?

Original poster

Frustrated1502 · 14/01/2022 23:01

But aibu to not put up with it. He’s not murdered anyone. He merely falls asleep on the sofa night after night. Am I being too needy to want more

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 14/01/2022 23:04

He merely falls asleep on the sofa night after night

No he doesn't you said he's nasty and horrible to.

Thirtytimesround · 14/01/2022 23:05

I have something similar OP. It’s hard. With us, DH is on calls / zoom and talking almost all day. When evening comes he just wants to watch tv in silence. Meanwhile I spend a lot of the day alone or with a child and by evening am dying for conversation! It’s very sad-making and depressing but I’m trying to recognise that he is incapable of meeting my social needs. I do think women generally need to talk more than men do, they don’t seem to have the same craving for conversation.

Phone people for chat? Go out? I dunno what the solution is.

TYTY4 · 14/01/2022 23:05

No. I don’t see the point. of you being married if this is what you are getting. The falling asleep every night is bad enough but the being vile with it too? Have you only ever know this relationship because to me that’s not normal.

howsoonisbedtime · 14/01/2022 23:06

This doesn't sound ideal, op, there's actually a few different things going on in the posts.

No yanbu of course it's natural to want conversation, company, companionship....me and my DH are in the little kid phase, we're so knackered co-parenting that we don't get much quality conversation before one or both of us is totally wiped out.

But ...

It sounds like there's more going on for you?

Your making the tea, and he's vile or horrible? That's just not respecting you, aside from how lonely you must be feeling.

Who else if anyone do you have in your life? A mum? A friend?

Sending hugs xx

Thinking2041 · 14/01/2022 23:08

Why does he fall asleep early every night?
Is his job particularly long or intense?

Most healthy people can work a full day and then have a few hours extra at the end of the day. It seems quite extreme to fall asleep early every night

Hankunamatata · 14/01/2022 23:09

Have you had a chat about why he is exhausted? Could it be medical or needs more iron/vitamins or is his sleep poor?

Choosingtochange · 14/01/2022 23:23

Yes you are being unreasonable to put up with this. Yes, you should want more as you deserve it. You know that too

loloballlolo · 14/01/2022 23:42

What are the relationship positives? When you got together would you have if he were like this?

Akire · 14/01/2022 23:50

It’s not normal fall asleep like that. He’s ignoring you sorry. If he is that shattered he can still have half hour chat first can’t he? I would just go up to bed soon as he gets in what’s point staying downstairs to be ignored. Maybe he will get the hint.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2022 23:55

Sorry, op, but you are being a fool and a doormat to put up with this bullshit. I've been married 25+ years and my husband has never treated me this way.

You can do FAR better. Being single is far better than being with a prick who takes you for granted.

dreamingbohemian · 14/01/2022 23:59

Stop cooking nice dinners for him. Like hell would I put any effort toward someone who ignores me all night and thinks that's normal.

You are not asking for too much. Unless it's some kind of medical issue, it sounds like he's not bothered with your relationship at all.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 15/01/2022 00:03

Well yes, I do feel like this quite a lot but that’s because my DH died five years ago. Before that we had lovely companionable evenings.

YANBU.

5foot5 · 15/01/2022 00:13

First off, are there possibly any physical reasons for this? How old is he; has he always done this;if not has anything changed which could cause this?

When he is awake, e.g. weekends or mealtime try suggesting he sees a GP. If he gets indignant you can justify by saying you are worried about him, this isn't normal etc. If there is a physical reason then it will be good you took this approach, if not it might be the first jolt that tells him his behaviour is pissing you off.

Why is it always you cooking anyway? If he has to cook some evenings maybe the extra stimulation might help.

If his work has recently got Moore demanding or stressful then again you need to talk, preferably when he is not tired. Stress how you hate his nasty moods when he wakes

If you have addressed physical and other causes and it is just something he does because he can't be bothered to do anything else maybe you should just very pointedly start cultivating a social life without him. Join clubs, meet with friends, do hobbies in the evening. Make it very clear that you find life with him asleep very boring. It might give him food for thought

Pikaso · 15/01/2022 08:35

Why are you cooking nice meals for someone who doesn’t care for your presence? Sod that

Dillydollydingdong · 15/01/2022 08:43

My dp is the opposite and that can be annoying too. We settle down to watch something on tv and he's chat chat chat. I can't hear the tv and completely lose the thread. And he says eh? eh? to make sure I'm listening. He doesn't get nasty though...

Limer · 15/01/2022 08:53

Does he think the falling asleep every evening is a problem? Maybe a chat where you can suggest he researches why this is happening, and what he can do to help himself. Does he have sleep problems at night? If he's dozing in the evening, he might not be sleeping well overnight, so it's a vicious circle.

The waking up and being nasty is a definite problem.

Viviennemary · 15/01/2022 09:00

What are you doing all day. Sounds like he has

whirlycarly · 15/01/2022 09:10

Can you try and break the cycle and go out for a walk or dinner? Is he worse at this time of year? I find I get really sleepy at about 6-7 pm due to it being so pitch black, but if I can push through that I'm fine.

I don't live with dp. I have a very peopley job and have never felt lonely in the evening but I also have phone calls with friends, WhatsApp chats, Netflix and mn once I finally get to sit down.

I'd find some evening classes and leave him to it. Get that this doesn't fully resolve the issue though. The meanness isn't on.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/01/2022 09:13

@Frustrated1502

But aibu to not put up with it. He’s not murdered anyone. He merely falls asleep on the sofa night after night. Am I being too needy to want more

That's not all he does.

He comes home, eats a meal you've taken the time to prepare, then falls asleep and is vile and rude to you if he wakes up.

However I would be looking at any medical/physical causes before jumping straight to LTB. What are his hours like? Does he do a physical job? Is he getting enough sleep?

NightIbble · 15/01/2022 09:16

Do you eat your dinner at a table? Maybe try this with no distractions (tv on etc...) then you would get some conversation and he wouldn't be able to fall asleep or ignore you. To be honest I am guilty of the sane thing sometimes I try to stay awake and fail but I am never horrible to DH about it that sounds awful.

maddening · 15/01/2022 09:26

The being vile and horrible is inexcusable- he needs to recognise that and work on it, yanbu for not putting up with that.

Re the sleep, perhaps switch it around, he could go for a nap when he gets in and then you prepare dinner for when he gets up from his nap?

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