Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be frustrated to spend every evening alone

95 replies

Frustrated1502 · 14/01/2022 22:51

Dh comes home from work, eats the dinner that’s been cooked for him by me, sits on sofa and falls asleep.

Every Single Night!!

I look forward to seeing him, think about our evening together, cook a lovely meal etc.

Aibu to want a little bit more back. Even a conversation. If I try to speak, he glazes over as if to say he’s knackered and can’t be bothered to engage.

When he wakes up, he suddenly becomes really horrible. Spiteful, defensive and pretty vile. It’s either he feels crap for falling asleep yet again and becomes defensive, or he can’t handle the feeling of lethargy. I think the latter as he doesn’t handle emotions well.

I just feel so lonely. Am I bu

OP posts:
Original poster
Frustrated1502 · 15/01/2022 18:46

He’s a workaholic. He does a 4 hour commute 2-3 times a week. The other days is a 1 hour commute.
Sometimes he leaves at 5:30-6 and not home til about 8.
Other days he leaves at 6:45 and again not home til about 8.
He’s asleep by 9-9:30.

I’ve asked him to go to bed but he gets defensive.

He won’t reduce the hours. He’s also doing a masters! It’s mental!!

I really feel for him but he’s so driven and determined to be successful, that it’s coming at a cost.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/01/2022 19:11

I understand why he’s falling asleep but the abuse when he wakes up is unacceptable. Do you moan at him when he wakes up and he’s defensive and horrible?

Cherrysoup · 15/01/2022 19:12

Sorry, don’t mean to victim blame!

Original poster
Frustrated1502 · 15/01/2022 19:26

No I don’t. I usually wake him and say ‘let’s go to bed, your knackered!’ But he hates giving in, so sees this as a weakness. So therefore becomes snappy and horrid!
If I creep up and walk away, he wakes suddenly and then gets fiesta at me for walking away. I can’t win really!!

I advised him to stay away this week as easier for him not to have the commute and gave me some time without walking on eggshells. He got back last night still tired. We went out to dinner, he came home, sat on sofa and was asleep within seconds!! It’s so disheartening.
Today has been fine. It is generally on the weekends but as soon as he gets tired, he again becomes horrible. This is almost daily currently.
I said this morning how lovely it would be to have a take away and film this evening. He agreed. He’s sat down to watch the football and is already asleep. Not even eaten yet so I’m guessing the film is out too 😞

OP posts:
FredWinnie · 15/01/2022 19:36

If I creep up and walk away, he wakes suddenly and then gets fiesta at me for walking away. I can’t win really!!

Sorry but just to clarify, are you saying that he gets snappy if you walk away from where he's sleeping?

If so, then what does he expect you do do while he's sleeping?

phishy · 15/01/2022 20:15

OP, by your own admission you’r creeping around and walking on eggshells.

Hat is going on here? Why are you so dependent on him?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 15/01/2022 20:36

How old are you? How long have you been married and how long has he behaved like this?

whirlycarly · 15/01/2022 21:54

You sound a bit like a 1950s housewife, existing to serve him.

I think the very best thing you can do is get some of your own interests during the week, go out and leave him to it.

GrandTheftWalrus · 15/01/2022 22:04

My exh was like this. If he wasn't on his laptop he'd just sleep. Even when we went to other people's houses etc.

Hence he is now an ex.

My now dh can fall asleep but I just leave him to it as he's permanently nightshift. Sometimes I see he is sleeping and I take the opportunity to have a nap as well lol.

DontWantTheRivalry · 15/01/2022 22:07

What hours do you work?

I used to work shifts and would sometimes be out the house for 14 hours and it was exhausting. Talking to my husband was the last thing I wanted to do….I just wanted to go to sleep.

He shouldn’t be rude to you any if you’re in a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells then maybe it’s time to re-think whether this is the relationship for you.

speakout · 15/01/2022 22:12

What do you do all day OP? Do you work? Do you have children?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/01/2022 22:13

I wouldn't date (let alone marry) a workaholic. Why would you commit to spending your life with someone who prioritises work and commuting for 4+ hours a day over your marriage and relationship?

You won't change him - I would cut your losses and find someone else tbh. And please don't be foolish enough to have children with him!

Wreath21 · 15/01/2022 22:20

Again: what do you do all day? He is working horrendously long hours, but does he need to put those hours in to support you financially? And how is he actually finding time to do a masters' if he is either working, communting or sleeping?

speakout · 15/01/2022 22:21

What do you do during the day OP?

DDMAC · 15/01/2022 22:25

Totally empathise with you, my husband gets up at 530 (no need to he shouldn’t be starting work til 9 but he gets there for 7:30) and then he gets home at 7 having finished at 6, again supposed to finish at 5 but he’s a workaholic.
Literally the kids go to bed and he immediately falls asleep on the couch, we get no time with him midweek.
I find it very very lonely but I’ve started a course this year so I’m getting some more interaction.

Is it tiredness that’s making him so snappy? What time does he get out of bed?

Serenschintte · 15/01/2022 22:28

Why do you find some evening activities for yourself?
Evening class/WI/book club/gym?
That gets you out the house. Or could you go for dinner couple of time a month.
He can’t fall asleep at a restaurant
The issue is his workaholism, unreasonably long hours and commute. The sleeping is just a symptom

thenightsky · 15/01/2022 22:40

Place marking as I have the same issue.

whirlycarly · 16/01/2022 12:44

From experience, I'd say that there is no salary which compensates for being married to a workaholic. It's miserable and you will never be a priority.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 12:54

@Frustrated1502

No I don’t. I usually wake him and say ‘let’s go to bed, your knackered!’ But he hates giving in, so sees this as a weakness. So therefore becomes snappy and horrid! If I creep up and walk away, he wakes suddenly and then gets fiesta at me for walking away. I can’t win really!!

I advised him to stay away this week as easier for him not to have the commute and gave me some time without walking on eggshells. He got back last night still tired. We went out to dinner, he came home, sat on sofa and was asleep within seconds!! It’s so disheartening.
Today has been fine. It is generally on the weekends but as soon as he gets tired, he again becomes horrible. This is almost daily currently.
I said this morning how lovely it would be to have a take away and film this evening. He agreed. He’s sat down to watch the football and is already asleep. Not even eaten yet so I’m guessing the film is out too 😞

Not sure why you're with him, really.
TracyMosby · 16/01/2022 13:01

I cannot see where you’ve answered if you work or not.

He is absolutely exhausted. But this is no way to live. Can be live away during the week so he can sleep faster and have quality time at the weekend?

He’s not murdered anyone
This is a very low bar to have.

MrsKDB · 16/01/2022 13:06

He’s exhausted from work!!! Do you work or have kids? What else do you have going on in your life?

I get up at 5.30 so go to bed early. That’s what my job entails and i would be raging if my DH tried to make me feel bad about that.

TheHoptimist · 16/01/2022 13:14

Mine did that twice

1st time very rare auto immune thing- but initially too probably leukaemia
2nd time cancer

has he been checked out fully?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 16/01/2022 13:23

I knew someone like this and he had sleep apnea. I know your DH works hard but he shouldn't be falling asleep as soon as he gets comfy.
If he doesn't change then you have to make a life for yourself.

KO81 · 16/01/2022 13:30

Ok with the extra info, he’s not unreasonable for being tired, but he is a total twat for 1.) being an arsehole to you when he wakes up, and 2.) (more importantly) being an arsehole for expecting you to sit in silence next to him while he sleeps.

What the fuck is that about?!

KO81 · 16/01/2022 13:32

@TheHoptimist

Mine did that twice

1st time very rare auto immune thing- but initially too probably leukaemia
2nd time cancer

has he been checked out fully?

He works 60 hours a week with a four hour commute, plus is studying for a masters.

Do you not think it might be that, rather than leukaemia?

Not that those hours justify his appalling behaviour towards the OP.