To be frustrated to spend every evening alone

[Frustrated1502]

Dh comes home from work, eats the dinner that’s been cooked for him by me, sits on sofa and falls asleep.

Every Single Night!!

I look forward to seeing him, think about our evening together, cook a lovely meal etc.

Aibu to want a little bit more back. Even a conversation. If I try to speak, he glazes over as if to say he’s knackered and can’t be bothered to engage.

When he wakes up, he suddenly becomes really horrible. Spiteful, defensive and pretty vile. It’s either he feels crap for falling asleep yet again and becomes defensive, or he can’t handle the feeling of lethargy. I think the latter as he doesn’t handle emotions well.

I just feel so lonely. Am I bu

OP do you work? And does your DH earn ££?

Perhaps you should do a Masters too?

Poor guy, that’s really long hours, your lucky he just falls asleep because if that was me I’d be having a mental breakdown as I wouldn’t be able to cope with that, that’s a lot to shoulder.

Can he change jobs?

My husband is the same but he gets up at 5 every day and works really hard to provide so I do understand. Maybe sit down and talk and suggest doing something at the weekend or when he hasn't been working. If his not working then get rid

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

I knew someone like this and he had sleep apnea. I know your DH works hard but he shouldn't be falling asleep as soon as he gets comfy. If he doesn't change then you have to make a life for yourself.

He works 12+ hours a day and often has a 4+ hour daily commute on top. He's also studying for a masters on top.

If he WASN'T falling asleep as soon as he sat down at the end of the day, I'd want to know his secret. He must be exhausted!

If you haven't got kids i'd be outa there OP.

The consequences of his life choices are understandable, but you don't have to live with it.

OP do you work? Have kids? What do you do all day?

I have kids. One is very poorly. I worked but had to give up to care for dc.

On the weekends, I’m happy for Dh to have hobbies to get a work life balance. I want him to be happy and not exhausted due to a hard life.

He earns a 6 figure salary and that’s down to his drive and determination. Not due to having to. I often say give it up so he has time with us. But he’s so driven and addicted to work that he just can’t slow down. His masters again, is due to racking up self worth and success.

Having said all this…if his exhaustion was work related…why does he do it Saturday and Sunday, having had a lie in both days

Because he is abusive.

He’s got you creeping around him and you’re not even allowed to walk away when he’s sleeping.

What kind of life is that? The 6 figure salary is not worth it.

@Frustrated1502

Having said all this…if his exhaustion was work related…why does he do it Saturday and Sunday, having had a lie in both days

This changes things.

I would be exhausted caring for kids with little support from dh. The thing of you going upstairs etc and him getting annoyed that's not reasonable. You can't make him spend time with you/not fall asleep but you can choose how to spend your time. I would relax/have a bath/ put a good film on. If he wakes invite him to join you.

When do you get your break or lie-in?

Something has to give, he either needs to go upstairs to bed to fall asleep there and give you space downstairs until you go to bed, or you will go upstairs when he falls asleep and do what you want up there.

Does he get bad-tempered and vile with the DC too, if they wake him (even accidentally)?

Even a conversation. If I try to speak, he glazes over as if to say he’s knackered and can’t be bothered to engage.

When he wakes up, he suddenly becomes really horrible. Spiteful, defensive and pretty vile. It’s either he feels crap for falling asleep yet again and becomes defensive, or he can’t handle the feeling of lethargy. I think the latter as he doesn’t handle emotions well.

I just feel so lonely. Am I bu

No YANBU. Situations like this are why I can understand how some people manage to find time for affairs. It sounds very miserable living around him.

This sounds really grim. You've got a sick child to care for and it sounds like he is giving you no support because he has decided that his Important Work is the only thing that matters - he sees you as a domestic appliance rather than a partner or even a person.

He’s working very long days, so I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to chat and watch movies when he’s home after work. When I worked 7-7 the last thing I wanted to do was chat in the evenings, I’d been talking to people non stop all day and needed some alone time to wind down.

If he can’t change his job/hours and you can’t/don’t want to work as well, I think you need to accept he isn’t good company after work and leave him be. Focus on your own interests, friends, hobbies.

Having said all this…if his exhaustion was work related…why does he do it Saturday and Sunday, having had a lie in both days

Work exhaustion and sleep deprivation build up and take their toll physically and mentally. I’m not saying he’s right to over work himself like this, just trying to explain he may be exhausted and incapable of getting up early on weekends after a week of those hours.

I encourage him to have a lie in. All I’m after is a bit of company in the evenings. I’ve kind of written off weekday evenings, but I really do look forward to some adult company in the form of my husband on the weekends.

@Frustrated1502

I encourage him to have a lie in. All I’m after is a bit of company in the evenings. I’ve kind of written off weekday evenings, but I really do look forward to some adult company in the form of my husband on the weekends.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. He’s exhausted from providing for you all, he works very long hours with a big commute and is the only earner.

Build your friendship circle and make plans with them on the weekends or evenings. I’d also try to find a PT / WFH job to take the pressure off financially.

@Frustrated1502

Having said all this…if his exhaustion was work related…why does he do it Saturday and Sunday, having had a lie in both days

Because exhaustion builds up and up. A lie in on the weekend won't solve the fundamental issue which is that he's working too many hours.

But if he's a true workaholic, nothing you say will change him. People like that will quite literally work until they drop.

If we were on six figures I'd be hiring a nanny, getting a part time job that covered it , and finding a hobby. Also suggesting he take a sabbatical to finish the masters if the savings are ok.