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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be frustrated to spend every evening alone

95 replies

Frustrated1502 · 14/01/2022 22:51

Dh comes home from work, eats the dinner that’s been cooked for him by me, sits on sofa and falls asleep.

Every Single Night!!

I look forward to seeing him, think about our evening together, cook a lovely meal etc.

Aibu to want a little bit more back. Even a conversation. If I try to speak, he glazes over as if to say he’s knackered and can’t be bothered to engage.

When he wakes up, he suddenly becomes really horrible. Spiteful, defensive and pretty vile. It’s either he feels crap for falling asleep yet again and becomes defensive, or he can’t handle the feeling of lethargy. I think the latter as he doesn’t handle emotions well.

I just feel so lonely. Am I bu

OP posts:

shouldistop · 15/01/2022 09:28

How many hours does he work and what times? How much sleep does he get in bed at night?

Frostine · 15/01/2022 09:30

Does he sleep evenings but then stay up after you've gone to bed ?
Or go to bed when you do ?

DesdemonaDryEyes · 15/01/2022 09:34

I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons. If he is ok in most ways then accept this is him and make your own life along side it.

Go out with friends, phone family, engage in a hobby.

I don’t think one person can fulfil all our needs.

3scape · 15/01/2022 09:36

Stop making him dinner. Stop being in. This isn't a situation you get anything out of except daily insults and hurt . Your life would be more enjoyable with just the walls for company.

Original poster

Frustrated1502 · 15/01/2022 12:36

Dh works long hours. 7-7, 5 days a week. Sometimes he has a 2hour each way commute depends which office he’s working from.
So I appreciate he has a stressful long job. But I too get up with him and see him off. And am always there in the evening to listen about his day.
We sit at the table to eat, and so chat there. But he can’t wait to leave the table to veg on the sofa. As soon as he sits on the sofa, he’s asleep!!

I try and plan a nice evening at the weekends where we have a take away and watch a film. But again it’s a battle because as soon as he sits on the sofa he’s asleep.

I’ve even joked that he should sit on a dining chair to watch tv!

He doesn’t see it as a problem, saying he’s had a long day etc. I do understand this, I really do. But I just feel I must be boring him which has knocked my confidence a lot.

OP posts:

shouldistop · 15/01/2022 12:53

He must be absolutely exhausted. So sometime he can be out the house for work for 16 hours? No wonder he falls asleep on the sofa. Can he not reduce his hours?

Chamomileteaplease · 15/01/2022 13:07

Yes do you mean that he leaves the house at 5am and gets back at 9pm?!

So does he work 60 hours a week?

If so, you need as a couple to talk about whether this is sustainable not just for your relationship but for his health and quality of life.

Lucinda7 · 15/01/2022 13:08

@DesdemonaDryEyes

I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons. If he is ok in most ways then accept this is him and make your own life along side it.

Go out with friends, phone family, engage in a hobby.

I don’t think one person can fulfil all our needs.

I agree with this. I read somewhere that one person is not responsible for companionship. If he is ok in other ways I would leave him to snooze and get conversation elsewhere.

Redlorryyellowduck · 15/01/2022 13:09

Those are incredibly long hours he's doing.
If I was you I'd aim to my social interaction elsewhere, meet with friends, exercise class, work from work rather than home if possible.
And maybe bring your weekend days forward a bit, if he's knackered by 8pm then get up early, go out and do something nice, be home early.
Presumably he's not got a choice in his working hours, so I think you need to team up and make a plan.
Although him being spiteful to you is bang out of order.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 15/01/2022 13:16

Do you enjoy each other's company at the weekend? Does he talk to you then?

I'd start going out in the evenings tbh. It's miserable spending every night watching someone asleep on the sofa!

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 15/01/2022 13:22

He's checked out of your relationship. Dump him and move on.

PinkSyCo · 15/01/2022 13:45

Can’t blame the bloke for falling asleep after a 12 hour shift and a long commute really, but him being vile when he wakes up is a different kettle of fish, though I kind of get it if you make him feel guilty for being tired. You sound quite needy. Do you work? Have friends, hobbies, kids or is your DH your whole world? Do you spend quality time together at the weekend?

Akire · 15/01/2022 13:51

Maybe give up on weekdays then and plan your own thing. But make it clear that you need awake time together at weekend. Long term though he’s not coping now so he need change of job or cut back on the hours or you work more. It’s no quality of life for anyone. Unless you are on breadline and this is 100% only way to make ends meet short term.

SocialConnection · 15/01/2022 13:52

The tiredness - I used to get up at stupid o'clock and commute. Get home knackered, we'd have dinner in front of tv - and I'd be dozing off by about 9pm, knowing I had another day of it tomorrow. Soul destroying 😞. I changed my work 🤗.

What are his commitments like? Is he exhausted? Does he need to work those hours to keep everything going? How's the fairness in distribution of work hours between you?

And how's his health? Some conditions like diabetes, various deficiencies etc have been mentioned. Blood tests can help pinpoint if there are any other concerns (we've both had a few this year, and BTs have eliminated some concerns re white cells etc).

Start being observant and analytical and make notes. It'll help you step away from an emotional reaction and present a calm, considered proposal (it's how Mum was able to persuade Dad to see a doctor, who discovered his liver condition).

Or if it's personality and habitual behaviour - that's got to be stopped. The same evidenced and reasoned approach, plus counselling.

You're unhappy, he's in a behaviour hole. This won't go away without being addressed.

The tetchiness - waking up isn't everyone's best time.

Normandy144 · 15/01/2022 13:55

So have I got this right, on the days he has a two hour commute he could be leaving home at 5am to start work for 7am and then finishes at 7pm and the earliest he is home is 9pm? I'll be honest I'm not surprised he is falling asleep on the sofa. Sounds like he just needs to decompress. I can't blame him for.being tired but I don't think you should excuse the rudeness. That's not on no matter how tired he is.

Darbs76 · 15/01/2022 13:57

Just tell him to go to bed and get some restful sleep

AuntieMarys · 15/01/2022 14:00

Dh does 12 hour shifts days...leaves at 5 , home at 6.30. I have dinner ready for 7..we eat and chat at the table. Bed by 9.30. He'd never be rude to me!

Chely · 15/01/2022 14:07

Tell him to go to bed rather than fall asleep on the sofa.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 15/01/2022 14:09

Also, don't have children with him unless you want to solo parent within the relationship.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/01/2022 14:20

So he works a 60 hour week and potentially has a 4h commute each day on top of that? That's insane - no wonder he's exhausted. That's just not sustainable long-term, surely?

He shouldn't be rude, but my God I am not surprised he's practically falling asleep in his dinner every night - those hours are just absolutely ridiculous.

A shower before dinner may help to revive him a little bit, but in all honesty, he needs to look at his working pattern and commute - he's going to make himself sick working those kinds of hours.

Do you work? Is it not possible for him to change jobs or to move house so at least he's not commuting 4+ hours a day?

MananaTomorrow · 15/01/2022 14:22

Am I being too needy to want more

Nope, YANBU.

The only way this can change is if he recognises there is an issue with him falling asleep like this. I’d say he need a trip to his GP to check why he is so tired.

MananaTomorrow · 15/01/2022 14:24

And yea he also needs to review his work and whether this is a suitable and sustainable work for him (did something like this for a year and couldn’t keep it up tbh)

Ponoka7 · 15/01/2022 14:32

So he has between eight and ten hours before he's up and out again? That's the reason he's falling asleep. My DH worked similar hours out of necessity. We made the most of daytime hours of a weekend. I'd have my own hobbies and interests. We'd also make the most of time off.

WonderfulYou · 15/01/2022 14:53

Do you work?
Do you have children?
Does he enjoy his job?

I think to have a discussion about him reducing his hours/getting a different job.

He is obviously struggling with the amount of hours he’s doing which is going to affect his health.
If he does fewer hours he’d not only have a better quality of life for himself but you’d also be able to do things as a couple more.
It’s no life just working and sleeping all of the time.

phishy · 15/01/2022 14:58

This sounds like something like 1950s, seeing him off in the mornings and preparing lovely meals for him every night.

I’d be getting a career and making a life for myself.

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