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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we stay with my wife's parents?

86 replies

beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 11:52

Hi, i'm new here, and really looking for some advice.

We are planning a family trip to the US, and my wife who is American wants us to stay with her parents for about a week, the only problem is they live right on a major freeway. The only thing separating the freeway from the house is a breeze block wall which is less than 10m from one of the busiest freeways in the area.

I am VERY concerned about pollution levels from this major freeway and the harm it may cause my children who are 10yrs and 6yrs.

We have stayed at the house previously on more than one occasion, when my first born was a baby for about 2 weeks at a time, admittedly i was not as aware of the freeway, or the potential harm from pollution. However, since that time, there has been more awareness of the dangers of pollution in the news, and my first born was diagnosed with ADHD last year, and although its difficult to say if there is a correlation, it has made me think more about the potential harm of traffic pollution and particulate matter on babies and children.

My wife really wants to stay with her parents from an emotional and also cost saving perspective, however am I being unreasonable to suggest we do not stay at the house this time round?

thanks

OP posts:
LadySybilRamekin · 14/01/2022 11:54

It's a week, surely it couldn't be that harmful!

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 14/01/2022 11:58

It’s for 1 week, get a grip. I could understand if there was immediate danger to your kids, for example they had bad asthma.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 14/01/2022 11:59

Honestly? Get a grip of your self.

You're going to have to come up with a better excuse than that for not staying with your PIL.

PainterMummy · 14/01/2022 12:00

Firstly, most up to date homes in regular American suburbia don’t usually even open their windows. They have warm air heating system with a load of filters and then in hot weather, there is central air conditioning, also with a load of filters in place. You’ll likely never even know about the freeway

Now friending upon the state you’re visiting, they could have very strict emissions testing for the cars annual inspections so the amount of pollution may be far, far less than here in uk. They also have far fewer diesel cars than we have here.

Go stay with them.

If you’re still very concerned about pollution, don’t hang out in the backyard. Do day trips out each day.

YABU to think the ADHD is from staying there for a week when your DC was a baby.

namechange30455 · 14/01/2022 12:03

Are you serious? You think your DC has got ADHD because you stayed with your in laws for a week when they were a baby? Hmm

Isaw3ships · 14/01/2022 12:03

Wise up. It’s a week.

Diggersaursarethebest · 14/01/2022 12:04

The proximity to a freeway and the pollution associated would be a good reason not to buy or rent a house. For a one week stay with family YABU and you’re likely to cause offense if you try to argue this one with the ILs. Even if you do stay elsewhere, you’ll probably be spending quite a lot of time at your ILs house anyway.

MasterBeth · 14/01/2022 12:04

YABU

Diggersaursarethebest · 14/01/2022 12:05

Give up on the speculation that one week’s increased exposure to pollution that’s present everywhere cars are used is responsible for your child’s ADHD too. That’s not a helpful way of thinking.

SlyAvocado · 14/01/2022 12:08

Reverse?

GunsNShips · 14/01/2022 12:09

YABU. Staying at their house for a week did not cause your firstborn to have ADHD, nor will it have any long term impacts if you stay for another week.

SlyAvocado · 14/01/2022 12:14

Maybe see if you can pick up some therapy while you’re Stateside.

HikingforScenery · 14/01/2022 12:17

One week?! Please stay with them.

RenGreen · 14/01/2022 12:18

One week stay with them. How do some people in new Delhi live to a ripe old age with all that pollution for a decades? A week will be fine.

Chloemol · 14/01/2022 12:22

You really do need to get a grip and stop being so precious

It’s a week, you wife hasn’t seen the family in however long, just stay there

Original poster
beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 12:22

Love the direct responses here, thank you everyone who is replying, it does help me put things in perspective.

I am just being an overly cautious Dad, if the freeway was not so close, i wouldn't really be that worried but for the record, my first born lived at the house for 2 - 6 weeks at a time, over a period of 3 years and after her ADHD diagnosis, i found strong evidence that links even short term exposure to high concentrated levels of traffic pollution to development disorders.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4019010/

when you think about the particles that can be inhaled just overnight when you are sleeping in the space of 24/48 hours and what that could do to a babies or young childs developing brain, it is very scary.

sincerely, thanks again everyone x

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 14/01/2022 12:29

OP are you the sort who always desperately needs to find a reason that something happens because it sounds as if rather than just accepting it is what it is. You need answers and are trying to find them.

I would say that yes you just need to stay there - simply due to the emotional side of it all.

Original poster
beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 12:29

@SlyAvocado

Maybe see if you can pick up some therapy while you’re Stateside.
hahaha
OP posts:
Original poster
beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 12:35

@Quartz2208

OP are you the sort who always desperately needs to find a reason that something happens because it sounds as if rather than just accepting it is what it is. You need answers and are trying to find them.

I would say that yes you just need to stay there - simply due to the emotional side of it all.

yes, im very practical - cause and effect person.

i don't think i'm being that unreasonable given that pollution is such a popular topic these days, i do wonder if these responses would be different if i were a mother asking these questions about her in-laws, it is Mumsnet after all, and id also be interested in what peoples views are on pollution and the planet in general, i wouldn't be surprised if many on here were climate change denialists.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 14/01/2022 12:37

@beatsandbikes76, that research was done on less than 300 children, eight years ago. The main funding came via litigation against housing planners. If they'd cross referenced it with rural Nigeria they would see that their findings were rubbish. There isn't a correlation between ADHD and high traffic. You need to learn to recognise what makes credible research and ask yourself why it hasn't been picked up and continued.

LakeShoreD · 14/01/2022 12:50

In a typical American home you have central air for heating and cooling, the system also filters the air and people don’t tend to open the windows very often. I bet the pollution levels in the house aren’t even remotely high. There also isn’t any decent research linking ADHD to pollution. And it’s only a week!! Stay with your in laws.

Burgerqueenbee · 14/01/2022 12:53

id also be interested in what peoples views are on pollution and the planet in general, i wouldn't be surprised if many on here were climate change denialists

That's unduly harsh, there will likely be a proportionate amount of climate change deniers as there are in the general population.

I'm a vegan environmental scientist who drives an electric car when a train or walking is not appropriate, I like my in laws, and have never had a parking dispute or told someone to LTB - we are not all one stereotype just because we are on mumsnet.

Pumperthepumper · 14/01/2022 12:56

Why would the responses be different if you were a woman?

saraclara · 14/01/2022 12:57

There will be families living on the same street as your inlaws. Children/teens who've grown up there. Do you think they all have ADHD?

You're being absolutely paranoid here. I'm sorry that you are struggling with your DC's diagnosis, but please use your logical thinking here. One week staying with your inlaws is not going to damage your children.

saraclara · 14/01/2022 13:00

i do wonder if these responses would be different if i were a mother asking these questions about her in-laws, it is Mumsnet after all

I can guarantee that they wouldn't be. There have been many many OPs from mothers with unreasonable anxieties involving inlaws where the responses have been exactly the same as here.

I agree that OPs about relationships with inlaws can sometimes be hypocritical. But this is not a relationship OP. This is an anxiety one and you're being unreasonable.