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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we stay with my wife's parents?

86 replies

beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 11:52

Hi, i'm new here, and really looking for some advice.

We are planning a family trip to the US, and my wife who is American wants us to stay with her parents for about a week, the only problem is they live right on a major freeway. The only thing separating the freeway from the house is a breeze block wall which is less than 10m from one of the busiest freeways in the area.

I am VERY concerned about pollution levels from this major freeway and the harm it may cause my children who are 10yrs and 6yrs.

We have stayed at the house previously on more than one occasion, when my first born was a baby for about 2 weeks at a time, admittedly i was not as aware of the freeway, or the potential harm from pollution. However, since that time, there has been more awareness of the dangers of pollution in the news, and my first born was diagnosed with ADHD last year, and although its difficult to say if there is a correlation, it has made me think more about the potential harm of traffic pollution and particulate matter on babies and children.

My wife really wants to stay with her parents from an emotional and also cost saving perspective, however am I being unreasonable to suggest we do not stay at the house this time round?

thanks

OP posts:
Kite22 · 14/01/2022 13:40

Ooh, fat thumbs.....
"but" should say buy in my last post.
Hope you could work that out and wish I could edit a post on here

TopTabby · 14/01/2022 13:53

I actually read your op thinking you & dw were a same sex couple so I absolutely wouldn't have a different view depending on gender.

saraclara · 14/01/2022 13:53

@beatsandbikes76, I'm really glad that you've taken people's comments on board. I know it must be hard to have an avalanche of responses telling you that you're unreasonable. And I'm really sorry that you are struggling with guilt and depression over your child's diagnosis. Again, I totally empathise with that, and i know only too well, that logic doesn't always play a part in that.

I hope you have a wonderful trip, and that when you come back, you're able to get some help to deal with your feelings. It will help your children if you are able to manage these feelings a bit better. The fact that you've responded so well on this thread shows that you are open to help, which is great.

So yes, kudos to you.

betwixtlives · 14/01/2022 13:58

i do wonder if these responses would be different if i were a mother asking these questions about her in-laws, it is Mumsnet after all

🙄 ODFO

whinetime89 · 14/01/2022 13:58

I have ADHD (and grew up on a farm) and 2 of my children also do (both grew up far far away from freeways). There is a bigger likelihood that that adhd is genetic rather than from the car pollution.

Original poster
beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 14:05

[quote saraclara]@beatsandbikes76, I'm really glad that you've taken people's comments on board. I know it must be hard to have an avalanche of responses telling you that you're unreasonable. And I'm really sorry that you are struggling with guilt and depression over your child's diagnosis. Again, I totally empathise with that, and i know only too well, that logic doesn't always play a part in that.

I hope you have a wonderful trip, and that when you come back, you're able to get some help to deal with your feelings. It will help your children if you are able to manage these feelings a bit better. The fact that you've responded so well on this thread shows that you are open to help, which is great.

So yes, kudos to you.[/quote]
thank you and yes, the reason i posted was to get some perspective.

tough love ha! x

OP posts:
RegardingMary · 14/01/2022 14:18

Your child doesn't have adhd because be spent a week near a busy road.

You're either being paranoid or don't want to stay for another reason.

AlexaShutUp · 14/01/2022 14:19

Tough love is a mumsnet speciality!Smile

LakeShoreD · 14/01/2022 14:29

Glad you’re all looking forward to the group and that you’ve decided to stay with the in laws, you’ve made the right decision. Have a great time Grin

LakeShoreD · 14/01/2022 14:29

Group?? Trip I should have said!

AsYouWishButtercup · 14/01/2022 14:31

You think children get ADHD from a fortnights worth of increased pollution? And you want to stop your wife from visiting her parents home find the first time in 10 years?

What a catch you sound. Lucky woman.

Original poster
beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 14:39

@AsYouWishButtercup

You think children get ADHD from a fortnights worth of increased pollution? And you want to stop your wife from visiting her parents home find the first time in 10 years?

What a catch you sound. Lucky woman.

thanks
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/01/2022 14:40

@AsYouWishButtercup

You think children get ADHD from a fortnights worth of increased pollution? And you want to stop your wife from visiting her parents home find the first time in 10 years?

What a catch you sound. Lucky woman.

The oldest is 10 and he said my first born lived at the house for 2 - 6 weeks at a time, over a period of 3 years

She hasn't been away from her parents for 10 years

Original poster
beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 14:51

@girlmom21 correct and she has seen her parents recently - i'm not fwiw trying to stop my wife from seeing her parents - thats ridiculous - my concern was a genuine one because i care about my kids and the situation.

OP posts:
saraclara · 14/01/2022 14:55

[quote beatsandbikes76]@girlmom21 correct and she has seen her parents recently - i'm not fwiw trying to stop my wife from seeing her parents - thats ridiculous - my concern was a genuine one because i care about my kids and the situation.[/quote]
Ignore the people who haven't bothered reading your updates. Now that IS a mumsnet thing! All the posters who only read the OP and then fire off a reply without reading any further!

BurbageBrook · 14/01/2022 14:56

YABU and ridiculous. More risk to life from the negligible radiation on the plane than from a week of staying near a freeway.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/01/2022 15:01

good for you, i'm a first time poster here, and although i appreciate all the responses, i do find some/most replies are quite accusatory, being told to get a grip, get therapy, etc for showing that i care for the health of my children, is not what i expected.

Did you expect everyone on mumsnet to be kind and supportive? Would you have expected the same from a dads website?

Honesty isn't always unkind, even if it is hard to hear.

WhereIsTheHoneyJam · 14/01/2022 15:03

Well done for taking everything onboard OP. ADHD can be seen to run through families, I wonder if this is where some of your guilt stems from? Please don't feel guilty, nobody 'causes' ADHD, an early diagnosis can be game-changing and you are looking at studies (pollution) which means that you are trying to understand - please though do not look at studies that indicate causes of ADHD, instead spend your time researching support and what you can do to help. Enjoy your trip.

Blueberryflavour · 14/01/2022 15:12

I think it’s a bit off when you accuse MN posters of being climate change deniers because they don’t see lasting harm in staying in a house beside a freeway for 1 week, when you and your family are choosing to fly to the US. I’m not a climate change denier and I choose not to fly or own a car in fact, but I don’t come on MN and castigate people who do (apart from you today because of your attitude). Also my youngest son has ADHD and we have never lived near a busy road.

Original poster
beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 15:15

@Mistyplanet

I see where you're coming from but on balance it"s going to be better for your childrens health to have less stress and have their mum happy and see their grandparents than two parents who are fighting. Im sure your wife will really resent you for preventing this time with her family and it will damage your relationship. She'll be really hurt by it. Kids all over the world live with air pollution- i dont think one week will be harmful. The hurt you'll cause by rejecting your wife and inlaws will be alot more damaging to your kids in the long run than air pollution for a week. If you really want maybe buy an air purifier for where they sleep but be careful not to offend your in laws.
@Mistyplanet thank you x
OP posts:
Original poster
beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 15:16

@Blueberryflavour

I think it’s a bit off when you accuse MN posters of being climate change deniers because they don’t see lasting harm in staying in a house beside a freeway for 1 week, when you and your family are choosing to fly to the US. I’m not a climate change denier and I choose not to fly or own a car in fact, but I don’t come on MN and castigate people who do (apart from you today because of your attitude). Also my youngest son has ADHD and we have never lived near a busy road.
ok
OP posts:
Original poster
beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 15:21

@Kite22

Over 150 votes at this point and STILL 100% agreeing YABU. That is pretty unusual for AIBU

I do wonder if these responses would be different if i were a mother asking these questions about her in-laws

Nope.
You are right, some questions get different responses depending on who is posting, but not this one.
This just sounds like a pretty poor scrabbling about for some reason not to stay with the in-laws.

If you asked the internet whether they would but a house to live in permanently besides a very busy road, you would have got different responses, but you are asking about staying with the dcs grandparents for one week when you visit their country. 100% different.

@Kite22 where do i see the votes? when i check it says 0 votes on this thread
OP posts:
Kite22 · 14/01/2022 15:24

As someone who has voted, when I open the thread, the poll is visible.

267 people have now voted and you have 99% saying YABU and 1% now with you. Smile

gamerchick · 14/01/2022 15:24

ADHD and the like is usually genetic. I often see a child diagnosed with ASD or ADHD or both and at least one of the parents starts to wonder about themselves. Some go for assessment and a fair few don't.

Pollution didn't cause ADHD. It's probably come from either you or your wife. Passed down through the family. It's not something to beat yourself up over.

Enjoy your trip

Original poster
beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 15:25

@Kite22

As someone who has voted, when I open the thread, the poll is visible.

267 people have now voted and you have 99% saying YABU and 1% now with you. Smile

i swear i cant see any results and havent voted but thanks for the update
OP posts: